Every time my partner started a new phase of withdrawal and treatment. I have a very pessimistic view of addiction as far as success stories go and gambling my guy would be able to make changes to his life was more than I imagined. There were days I wished I’d never met him because I felt I was being drained in all ways. Every insecurity, paranoia, bias, suspicion and defense went on full alert.
Without turning to outside help, without both of our parents’ involvement, I know I would have let him go. There are no accolades for me. I spent most of the time panicking and trying to get away. I was tempted to start abusing drugs again myself in order to shut down my anger and panic. Gah, it sucked! He gets a lot of credit for working harder on our relationship than I have, even with what’s been on his plate.
Everytime things happen to me all at once. Like, once when my best friend said she wanted to hurt herself when I boyfriend left her, my girlfriend at the time told me she took a bunch of pills to hurt herself and my aunt got drunk and told my religious zealot grandma that I was gay. About 11.5 years ago when I moved to the ghetto in Columbus, got beat up by my girlfriend at that time and was being harrassed outta my job for being gay. At least that time, I got a hot nurse girlfriend outta the whole thing. She screwed me too, though. She had pushed me into moving into a really nice and expensive apartment, left me and then stole a bunch of my shit. I got “palimony” out of her ass for rackin up the credit cards and them taking the shit I paid for. A few years back when I got really sick, lost my super good paying job and my really awesome apartment. Also, now since my mom threw me outta my family, my girl left me and my cat became fatally ill and needed to be put down this past Sept. 24th. Shit always happens to me in 3’s and I REALLY wish it would stop. Even when I make myself say that it won’t happen, it still does.
When I was in middle school, I had so much social anxiety over it that I didn’t speak except when directly spoken to by a teacher for two years. There were people at the school who thought I spoke no English.
I also skipped a lot of school. My parents caught on and I had to do more and more creative things to skip school, like walking halfway to the bus stop and hiding in a ditch for hours.
I know it doesn’t seem like a traumatic thing, but I had terrible free-floating anxiety and hated the school.
When I was 19, I hastily moved in with a new boyfriend (his mom’s house!), when there were problems at home and I couldn’t afford rent anywhere. I felt like a huge scheming mooch, realizing we had nothing in common whatsoever shortly after cohabitation (he started talking about ditching birth control, living in his mom’s house forever, etc). Since we didn’t know each other well enough, we had no patience with each others’ emotions and it got old really fast. Before mustering up the courage to move out and dump him (I didn’t want to be alone), I felt like I was forever trapped in a deep-South redneck nightmare.
Everything felt like the end of the world when I was 19!
@keobooks; that sounds REALLY traumatic. I’m so sorry it was that miserable. I was almost that miserable in high school and dropped out. I ended up in a HS completion program at a community college and went on to college. I don’t know how you survived if it caused you so much anxiety. You must be a very strong person.
I felt lots of social anxiety during my college years, and a lot of anxiety during relationships. I just cant help that im a certain way. Im liberal, im social, Im honest, im loyal, I’m loud, Ironic, I give everyone a chance, and i hate social awkwardness. Im pretty open with people. For some, this poses a problem. I’ve been in trouble due to this many times before. But i have to accept that some people love me for it and some people dont.
Last night was a great example. My bf unleased a verbal bomb at my head. He invited me for a social gathering and apperantly I was ‘too comfortable’ with his friends and it came across as rude. He lectured me for an hour. Said that i was being invasive. Basically I spent all night in tears, questioning if i really did something wrong.
And im sorry you guys had to go through what you did. Anxiety is a bitch!
I’m not fond of bringing back too many bad memories so I’ll just go as far as saying when my brother and dad passed away (very close time period of each other) a few years ago. I never really gotten over the anxiety associated with those events either. It is odd since I was really starting to get over my life long battle with anxiety and panic when those tragedies struck.