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JLeslie's avatar

Do you hate one or both of your parents?

Asked by JLeslie (47573 points ) December 11th, 2011

First, for the point of this question I want to exclude people who were physically or sexually abused by the parent.

Here are my question:

1. Did you limit your time with your parent(s) or completely cut off for a while, or ongoing, because of the anger or anxiety it caused you?

2. Do you have children yourself?

3. If you have children, did having children give you a different perspective of your parents and more understanding, or just reinforce they were horrible parents?

If you are willing, give us a brief summary of why you cannot tolerate the parent?

Any other comments you want to add to the discussion relating to the topic are welcome.

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32 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

“I want to exclude people who were physically or sexually abused by the parent.”

Later

judochop's avatar

I’m with @johnpowell, sorta. I was physically abused to the point of broken bones. I’ve ben thrown down stairs, slammed against walls and drug across a sharp bedpost while trying to avoid the wrath, been hit in the head with trophy’s, made to stack bricks in the yard and grounded and confined to my bedroom for up to six weeks at a time. All up until the age of 14. It made for some very rough times in my life and although I felt what I thought was hate for my father whom done these things and for my mother whom stayed with him through it all I don’t think that I actually ever hated either of them.
Today my father, mother and I have one of the best, most open relationships in the world. In hindsight I don’t think I would even change anything about the way I was raised. I grew up fast and I still remember the feelings as they haunt me almost daily. I have a ten year old daughter of my own now and we have an amazing relationship. I’ve caught myself getting overly angry for mundane things before, slipping in to the way I was raised but…..I never will treat my child like that. Ever.

muppetish's avatar

This isn’t directly relative to me as I love both of my parents and grew up in an extremely close family, despite our differing perspectives on certain matters. However, my dad hates his father. I never met my paternal grandfather. He walked out on his family—a wife and five children—and since my dad was the oldest, he pretty much was the father figure in the household. I’m not sure how young he was when this happened because he doesn’t like talking about it much. Some of his siblings retained a relatively normal relationship with their father, but my dad hated him so much that he completely cut off ties with the man.

My dad still has a wonderful relationship with his mom—the only grandparent I had since my maternal grandparents passed away and I never met my paternal grandfather before he died when I was about twelve or so. I’m twenty-two. My dad’s perspective of his father has probably worsened over the years. The more I have learned about my grandfather, the more I dislike him.

TheIntern55's avatar

I hate them now, but when I get older, I’m sure I’ll realize how right they were. But for the moment, they both irritate me, partially because they had me late and are confused on how to raise a child these days and not in the 80’s and 90’s.

Bart19's avatar

1. Did you limit your time with your parent(s) or completely cut off for a while, or ongoing, because of the anger or anxiety it caused you?

I don’t like to visit my parents. I don’t want to go back to the Netherlands for that reason. My contact with them is limited but this mostly their own doing. There are no texts, hardly any phonecalls, they refuse to go on facebook and hardly appear on msn. Today my dad called me out of the blue which caught me completely off guard. I hadn’t heard from him in more than three months. First I thought he was going to blame me for something but it was surprisingly alright. It was the first time in nine months he actually called me out of interest.

2. Do you have children yourself?

No.

My mother probably has a personality disorder and is a heavy drinker. During my time of need she has said some unforgivable things. She also has a tendency to blame everything on me. Both her and my dad blanked me on my own wedding, didn’t support me during my emigration, refuse to acknowledge the existence of my wife and made me feel unworthy of breathing. Whenever I return I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be here and nobody seems glad to see me.

JLeslie's avatar

@johnpowell and @judochop I hope I did not word it on a way that suggested if your were physically or sexually abused your opinion does not count in a general sense, it just does not fit what I am curious about for this particular question. Anyone who was physically or sexually abused it is perfectly understandable they would hate or cut off contact with their parents. I am more curious about those who might have felt verbally abused, unsupported, or generally had a lot of conflict with their parents, or some other reason I have not thought of, to not be able to tolerate or have a hard time spending time with their parents.

judochop's avatar

@JLeslie I really try to never hate anyone and I am always forgiving of the past. My father was abused himself so it was up to me to end the cycle and I have.

marinelife's avatar

I have hated both of my parents at various times in my life.

My father was rage-filled and made my childhood a horror. I have since figured out that he had OCD (undiagnosed in the time he was alive) so i have some understanding.

I once cut myself off from my mother for more than a year. We are reconciled now, but I do not feel the blind love of childhood that I felt for her. She is extremely manipulative.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@JLeslie I don’t know why severe emotional abuse would be better than light physical abuse. Abuse of any kind really seems to create estrangement.

JLeslie's avatar

@judochop Hate might have been the wrong word for me to use. I am interested in people who have a really hard time dealing with their parents, and have some sort of resentment or anger, or a general feeling the parent sucked while they were growing up, and maybe still sucks. I find it interesting how siblings can view parents very differently, and have very different reactions also. And, of course as the question states, if having children gave the person a different perspective, if they relaxed a little once they saw how difficult parenting can be.

JLeslie's avatar

@Aethelflaed It is different in my opinion, because of what I just stated to @judochop, children seem to have their own perception of mental and emotional abuse, while a broken arm and rape are pretty cut and dry. For instance my sister thinks it is horrific my parents yelled all the time, and did some absent minded thinga, she was very affected, I am much more lax about it, and even find some humour in how they are like TV shows like Seinfeld and The Nanny. Not that I think the yelling was good, I think it is better to be calm believe me.

ucme's avatar

My parents were divorced when I was around six, I maybe saw my dad a dozen times after that, xmas & birthdays.
I haven’t clapped eyes on the fella for about twenty some years now, I don’t hate him, more like pity the sad fucker.
I can’t conceive of any scenario where i’d even come close to that course of action with my own kids, but then, I guess it takes all sorts.

MissAusten's avatar

Sometimes I hate my mom. I’d probably hate her all of the time and have to cut off contact with her if I didn’t live halfway across the country. As it is, I have a lot of control over when I talk to her and for how long. Thanks to Caller ID, I can choose not to answer the phone. She is on Facebook, but after I deleted several of her more outrageous comments she seemed to get the message and toned down her act.

I think my mom, like @Bart19 ‘s, has some kind of personality disorder. My theory is histrionic personality disorder. She was always a bit eccentric but, luckily for my childhood, didn’t really go off the deep end until I was in college. She is a pathological liar, refuses to acknowledge her lies, behaves in the most dramatic and emotional way imaginable. It is embarrassing in public and tiresome in private. She has told hurtful and damaging lies about me, my dad (my parents are divorced), and in-laws. For example, she claims she was abused when my parents were married (not remotely true), that my in-laws abused our daughter and stole money from us (not remotely true), told my brother I called him a loser and deadbeat so that he wouldn’t speak to me for over a year, and on and on and on. I used to drive myself crazy by confronting her when she lied, but years ago I decided it was pointless. I set clear boundaries (she isn’t allowed to speak to me about my dad) and limit myself to rolling my eyes a lot when we speak on the phone. She isn’t allowed to be alone with my children.

Because I don’t go home often and my mom doesn’t visit us more than once a decade or so, the painful experience of being around her can mostly be avoided. For her sake, I try to be as pleasant as I can and just do a lot of nodding and smiling. But when she starts on her drama, especially things that cause hurt feelings, I get so angry. When I think about all of the selfish, deceitful, and manipulative things she’s done…yep, I hate her sometimes.

But I haven’t hated my dad since I was a teenager and felt oppressed. :)

Aethelflaed's avatar

@JLeslie It is different; it’s much harder to recognize. But it doesn’t seem to lead to any warmer feelings or less hate and resentment. It seems to depend more on the severity and regularity of the abuse than on if it’s physical or emotional.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I have a love/annoyed relationship with my biological father, but I don’t hate him. It’s difficult spending time with a father who is still 8 years old, but it’s tolerable a few times a year. He’s emotionally abusive.

JLeslie's avatar

@Aethelflaed I only half agree. I think it depends on how severe and how often and the personality of the individual child.

comity's avatar

My parents believed in spare the rod and spoil the child and were abusive. I didn’t hate them, but I felt like the Rabbi in Fiddler On The Roof when asked about the Czar, “May the good lord bless and keep him (them) far away from me”. It wasn’t healthy for me or my family to be around them. We moved on, friends became family and so on.

Tbag's avatar

I love them both more than anything <3

MilkyWay's avatar

Not really sure if I should be answering or not…
Do you hate one or both of your parents?
Yes.
1. Did you limit your time with your parent(s) or completely cut off for a while, or ongoing, because of the anger or anxiety it caused you?
Yes. Spending less time with them makes me feel a bit calmer and safer.
2. Do you have children yourself?
No.
If you are willing, give us a brief summary of why you cannot tolerate the parent?
They’re forceful, never listen to what I have to say, don’t really care what my opinion is on matters that affect my life such as education, don’t respect me as an individual, see me as their ‘property’ to treat however they please, have neglected me in health, been abusive at times, are emotional blackmailers etc…....

comity's avatar

Oops! I looked at the question without reading further and you didn’t want responses from those that were physically abused. But, people that physically abuse are often verbal abusers too. One usually goes along with the other.

DominicX's avatar

Nope.

It’s not like we’ve never had fights, but those are few and far between. I’ve had an excellent relationship with my parents.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

There were many times I’ve felt intense hatred for both or either of my parents. Dad’s dead now, life’s easier. Mom lives with me and every once in a while, we have really bad fights. I am a parent myself, yes. My children have reinforced that my parents were in many ways terrible parents.

filmfann's avatar

I loved my parents, and I liked them as people. I have a lot of friends, though, who had real assholes for parents, and I can understand hating them.

cookieman's avatar

Why does it seem so rare that people actually like their parents?

I don’t hate my parents. I did, however, remove my mother from my life after my father died. Not because I hated her, but because her behavior is toxic.

Being a parent myself is part if what led me to that decision. I simply couldn’t have that behavior around my child anymore.

I do, however, catch myself acting similarly and put a stop to it.

blueiiznh's avatar

I had a great childhood and anything I may have disliked about them when I was a kid was because I deserved the punishment.

1. Did you limit your time with your parent(s) or completely cut off for a while, or ongoing, because of the anger or anxiety it caused you? Nope. Always stayed connected and still do on a daily basis. I always enjoyed being around my parents and learned a lot from them.

2. Do you have children yourself? YES

3. If you have children, did having children give you a different perspective of your parents and more understanding, or just reinforce they were horrible parents? Like I stated above, it reinforced that parenting is about guidance and not about being a best friend. Sometimes you have to make tough hard choices that the child is not always going to like. If you are doing it fairly and out of support and love, then it will be understood.

While there are a few aspects of my parents parenting techniques I choose to avoid (mostly generational), what I did experience was a great basis for trying to be the best parent I could be.

abysmalbeauty's avatar

Pick me, I hate both and have cut off both for some time now. I have a child and he has not changed my perspective on the subject. My dad is a jerk. He abandoned us countless times and then he would come back and accuse us of not trying to contact him when he never made his whereabouts known. Finally got sick of his crap and hid my own whereabouts.

My mom I truly believe is a sociopath. She is two faced to everyone she knows. She used me and my sister primarily to get money for a very long time, has said things to us that one should never say to their child for example a. you ruined my chance at a good life and b. you make me want to commit suicide. So I cut her off too and I feel a whole lot better now!

comity's avatar

“If you’re going through hell, keep going” Winston Churchill

“Think of all the beauty still left around us and be happy” Anne Frank

Philosophies I have learned to live with, and I hope those who have suffered and are suffering, learn to live with them too!

Leanne1986's avatar

I don’t hate either of my parents.

1. My mother and I clash at times so I choose to spend “short but sweet” times with her. I love spending time with my dad.
2. I don’t have children myself.
3. N/A

augustlan's avatar

I don’t hate any of my parents (though I spent a lot of time thinking I hated my biological father because I grew up without him in my life). I have a fabulous step-father (who was only married to my mom for a few years), and I could never think badly of him. Just saw him yesterday, as a matter of fact.

Now, my mother is a different story. Because of issues in our past, and the fact that she has Borderline Personality Disorder, I have cut her completely out of my life. As I said, I don’t hate her. She is just extremely bad for my mental health, and it came down to either continuing to protect her feelings or protecting my sanity. I finally chose in my own favor. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve had any contact with her and it was the single best decision I ever made in relation to the quality of my life.

Background story: I was sexually abused by an uncle (one of her brothers) for the first 13 years of my life. She knew about it but never called the police, never did much to protect me, never moved us away from him, never barred him from our house, and never even stopped being friends with him. Even when I was an adult, they continued to hang out together, see movies together, etc. She never understood how damaging all of this was to me. I spent several years going the “set strong boundaries” route, but she routinely ignored my boundaries. I finally felt I had no choice but to get her out of my life altogether.

Edit: I forgot to mention my children. Having them definitely reinforced my feelings about my mother’s parenting. I could not imagine allowing my children to be harmed the way I was, and couldn’t fathom how she didn’t protect me from that harm.

When I had kids, it also brought a whole new (bad) dimension to my relationship with my mom, because she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t allow her to babysit them, even after I told her point blank that she has extremely poor judgment and that I couldn’t risk them being hurt by it. In spite of that, when she moved far away, she continually asked that we send them to her house for vacations (sans parents), and couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t allow that, either. Her denial seemed to grow along with the children. Very, very weird.

comity's avatar

@augustlan Sometimes one has to move on and get away especially from people that are destructive to you and your mental health. Good for you for having the strength!
“If you’re going through hell, keep going” Winston Churchill

justgotlicked's avatar

I at first hated my dad because he had me and my previous girlfriend break up, then I went to go live with my mom. Then the manipulation started, woooooh, but compared to the hate I had for my dad, feelings towards my mom actually made me feel disgusted at being this person’s son.
My mom is a goldigging, selfish, manipulative, fake, lying bitch and only to her son, not even to strangers.
She fabricates stories about why she divorced my dad, his temper, his personality etc, but it only boils down to, my dad didn’t get an inheritance from my grandfather.
My mom and her boyfriend got into a huge fight once, standing on my mom’s side, chased him out, 2 days later he lives in the house again, with her excuse being that we shouldn’t destroy our social circle.
After that I leave the house for a period of time, reading self help books regarding forgiveness, those kind of books shouldn’t be allowed on the fxcking market cause manipulators use this to their advantage. Cause she knows I have forgiven her, so she manipulates over and over again, and I forgive her over and over again.
She tells me how great a mother’s love is and one should be filial to their parents (It’s like she WANTS me to believe that so she can continue manipulating) not only once but everyday for years.
I am always in defence mode whenever I go into my OWN house for no apparent reason.
Oh yeah, and my achievements get a simple “oh, that’s nice” and her achievements are made public, for a period of time.
She’s rather superstitious, so had me change my name so SHE could benefit, checked my NEW name meaning, and well, not much benefit for me.
So, of the two whom I hate the most? My mother, with a passion. Couldn’t care less if she is alive or dead, wouldn’t miss her, I just hope she pays all her debts before she goes.

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