Do you ever feel that it is safer to PM people on this site?

Safer than what? Facebook? Other sites?

No. Safer than posting public opinions that might end up attacked by someone you weren’t even talking to in the first place.

Well, that’s the thing about public fora on the internet, if you put it out there, anyone can respond. I expect that there will be dissenting views, angry rude ones, sometimes, and people that will treat what I say with respect and some with disrespect. Yeah, if I want a private conversation, I’ll do PMs. If I want a discussion, I’ll post the Q. If you post it, they will come.

^ Well said. I do need to keep that in mind more often.

You should always remain cognizant that anything you post in a thread will be read and potentially responded to by dozens if not hundreds of people. Think twice before you post anything private or sensitive on a Fluther thread.

Don’t worry about flare ups now and then. If you can’t speak your mind and give your own personal honest opinion, observation, experience, suspicion or whatnot in here then where else will people “tell you like it is”?

There are actually only a few consistently flamer type jellies I’ve noticed in the past 3yrs and now and then they will knock you on your feet with something you can appreciate and keep. Glean what works for you and let yourself be amused by or ignore the rest.

Also remember than anything you write in a PM is viewable by the mods. If someone makes a complaint about you, the mods can review the pms and give you a warning or even kick you off of fluther. Never say anything on fluther, either publicly or privately, that you don’t think would stand up to review by the moderation team.

It is important to not that this place does not guarantee you privacy. Our words are the content of the website, and they are responsible for all of it, legally speaking. It’s not a set of rules I would have used, but it’s not my website. What it means is I can hold them responsible if someone says something that harms me and I might even be able to sue them for it.

The Terms and Conditions are pretty clear about that, @wundayatta , you agree not to sue or hold them responsible. Of course, anyone can sue anyone, but whether it would hold up is another matter.

Moderators cannot read private messages. Only the Founders and the Community Manager can do that.

@wundayatta: Really? I’ve talked serious shite back and forth with jellies about ass——e jellies via PM and have never been had a problem with mods. We swear in full words, everything!

Only that pesky cat, what’s-his-name has peeked in, that I know of.

I don’t mind if the people “at the top” can read my private messages. That doesn’t bother me. That being said, @wundayatta‘s advice is still good!

Bickering folk would certainly be better served going down that particular route.
Although some arguing can be quite amusing, it’s better to take it to your own backyard, as it were.

Furthermore, I should point out that the only time the Founders or the Community Manager read PMs is after there has been a complaint about some private interaction. They don’t just go around checking out what people are saying.

It’s not safer, per say, but I do find it best when you want to discuss something with someone on a more personel level.

@ucme I don’t like arguing on this site and people who try to argue with me publicly are one of the reasons I feel this way. It is frustrating because I felt it was nice here because of the lack of arguments. I, unfortunately, fall into the argument trap when arguments are directed at me personally. I don’t know how to deal with them on here as well as I might on another site. I know that is my problem and I am not really sure what to do about it. It makes me want to leave, but at the same time, maybe walking away from a site I otherwise enjoy is not a good idea.

@AnonymousGirl If you want to stay, then do so, don’t be put off by the occasional “crowd pleaser” spoiling for a fight, there aren’t enough of them worth bothering yourself over anyway.
Kick arse if you feel the need, then smile & move on to the next question, it’s fun you know :¬)

Thank you for the positivity, @ucme! I needed that. :)

That’s okay, positivity is my middle name…..actually it’s Jimmy, but you catch my drift :¬)

Yes. If you want to go further into discussion with a particular subject, on one particular view, there’s no harm in PM’ing someone and getting down to the knitty gritty one on one. (It’s less chaotic and conclusions can still be derived at high quality, calm tone and the feeling of the mob vs mob won’t exist)

Safer than posting public opinions that might end up attacked by someone you weren’t even talking to in the first place. What? Someone would have the audacity to attack someone’s opinion in open forum, here on Fluther? Heavens no, that never happens. (sorry is was so arid, sarcasm is the dish best served very dry) Many times IT IS a lot safer than commenting in open forum seeing how some people can go from zero to spit pissy mad in ½000th of a second.

I am so trying to find a way to meanly and unfairly attack you right now, @Hypocrisy_Central , and as soon as I figure out what the hell amount of time you just cited I will. You’re prolly safe for awhile, I’m very confused… ;-)

@Hypocrisy_Central @JilltheTooth Oh shoot, two vets going at it. This will be juicy.

Thanks for the laugh, @Hypocrisy_Central. I do appreciate sarcasm when it is done well… as it has been in your case. :)

I occasionally use the PM to avoid the general mayhem of the open forum.

@JilltheTooth I am so trying to find a way to meanly and unfairly attack you right now, @Hypocrisy_Central , and as soon as I figure out what the hell amount of time you just cited I will. Try? You have to try? When the smoke thins on the field of challenge and you are on the crest of the hill atop your mighty steed, the glare off your pollaxe and broad sword let me know it is more than a “try”. LOL LOL ;-)

I have a mighty steed and a poleaxe? And a broad sword??? Cool! Thanks, Hypo, for the lovely Christmas presents! And yeah, now that I’m better equipped to smite you, I’ll be there as soon as I figure out that ½000th of a second. That’s a pesky bugger, it is!

And a Merry Christmas to you, Typo-crisy Central!

Couldn’t resist… XD

“If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you’ll never learn.”
—Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Argument is good for the soul, losing an argument doubly so. If you really feel the need to converse through PM, just make sure you don’t place yourself in an echo chamber. Find people who can give you constructive criticism as well as people who will give you praise. Both are forms of positive feedback.

^ I don’t mind being challenged, as long as the person is being reasonable. It is people who like arguing for the sake of arguing that I prefer to avoid on here. :)

@Neizvestnaya They won’t look unless you’re snitched on. There was a jelly who was harassing me a lot. Nudge, nudge. Finally I had enough of it, and I told her off. She reported it to the mods and then next thing I knew Augustlan was telling me that she had read the correspondence and to stay away from this woman. It was highly ironic, since all I wanted was to get get the jelly out of my face. Had it even occurred to me to be a big baby tattle tale, maybe I would have begged Augie to tell her to cease and desist, and I would have invited her to see the correspondence.

But I’m a big boy, so I handle my problems myself. She seemed to feel she couldn’t, so she tattletaled. Auggie told me that she warned the other jelly to stay away from me, and I haven’t heard or seen her since. I suppose she may have come back under another name. I hope she stays away because I have no respect for her at all.

But the important lesson is that our community manager can and does read our private correspondence. All it takes is a report. Like Soviet Russia. It doesn’t matter whether there’s any merit to the complaint. The CM will read your correspondence. Jump first. Ask questions later.

I’m not complaining, mind you. I’m just thinking that I was an idiot to think this place could be run fairly. Management makes decisions without talking to anyone except to complainants. No one asked me for my side of the story. I don’t even know if they read the whole correspondence. If they did, I have no idea what they made of it since no one ever explained their thinking to me.

So it’s fine to act as if people will treat you fairly or reasonably or you can get away with whatever you want because it is in a pm. But if you do get knocked around because of it, don’t say you weren’t warned. My suggestion is that if you don’t like someone, don’t be honest to them even in private. Just do it behind their back. If you tell someone exactly what you think about them in a pm, don’t be surprised if Auggie tells you to cease and desist.

@wundayatta Since you’ve made this a public matter by posting about it here I will respond here, too. I would never assume that the one reporting a problem to me is innocent of any wrongdoing, and I’m extremely disappointed that you imply I would. Especially since I specifically told you that I had read all of the correspondence between the two of you before any action was taken. The fact that you were both warned should be proof of that, don’t you think?

In addition, the messages she sent you were not at all like the message you sent her. While she was PMing you against your wishes, her PMs were in no way attacking you. Yours to her was quite a bit different in tone, as you may recall.

“Like Soviet Russia…” hahahahaha.

@wundayatta I’ve chatted with @augustlan about two separate issues on here and she explained to me what her opinion was about both in a way that made sense to me, even if we saw things totally differently. I’d like to think that both conversations ended on good terms. I am now curious to see those messages you talked about, but I know it is none of my business… so I will make sure to listen to the advice “curiosity killed the cat”. I’ve learned that bringing your concerns to @augustlan privately when you have them is probably the best thing you can do… because she is not against explaining her opinion in a way that would (hopefully) make more sense to you. You just have to ask. :)

Chinese water torture. I’ll admit. I broke. I could not take it. One pm too many. I blew up. I was tired of being harassed. One fuck up for me. The woman got away with murder because I didn’t complain.

My advice is that you don’t pm with people who have it in for you. They’ll turn you in for giving then what they earned. Don’t expect fair treatment. There’s one judge here and she doesn’t bother to try to understand my point of view. She doesn’t do anything more than the most cursory investigation.

I don’t say anything important in pm any more. I use email if I have anything private to say. You have to protect yourself here. If you expect to be judged fairly here, I’ve got some investments you might bee interested in.

It is true that things can be seen differently by more than one person. It is also true that when something is directed at you personally, it can seem and feel a lot worse to you than it would seem to someone from the outside looking in who is reading those very same words.

We are all human and it is natural for us to want to defend ourselves when we feel unfairly slighted… attacked… or harassed. It is also natural for someone on the outside looking in to feel like at least one person involved in the conversation is overreacting and/or is too emotionally invested in it.

What matters isn’t the words you or the other person or @augustlan said, but your intent. That’s my take, anyway. I realize that may be an unpopular opinion, but I definitely prefer the direct approach much of the time, even if harsh words are exchanged (as long as no words are twisted around and what the person is saying makes sense).

If you ever feel like telling me off, @wundayatta, feel free to! If I’m harassing you, I want to know. If you hate my guts, I want to know. If I’m a hypocritical idiot, I want to know.

How can I ever know I need to change when I do if nobody ever tells me what I’m doing wrong because they’re walking on eggshells around me? I don’t mind even having my character attacked as long as my words aren’t being twisted around in the process. In fact, I encourage it. Sometimes, a personal attack in my direction is just what I need for me to know I need to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that… yes, as a matter of fact, I’m wrong and I needed some tough love to help me see the light.

Now, I realize we do seem to get along, so I don’t expect you to hate me or anything, but I’m just saying that there are some people who actually do appreciate your direct approach to things. People like me. I wish more people were as honest and straightforward as you are. It would be a lot easier to trust people if that were the case. Since you don’t beat around the bush, I will believe you when you tell me where I stand with you and I trust you. ^_^

@wundayatta Hey man, sometimes you gotta just take it one day at a time, know what I mean?