Social Question

babybadger's avatar

Do you think it's fair for someone to be angry at you but not tell you why?

Asked by babybadger (1790 points ) December 28th, 2011

Someone has been mad at me since last year, upset because apparantly I’ve been talking behind his back (which isn’t true). He didn’t confront me or try to talk to me at all. I had no idea if and why he was angry. Is that fair?

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23 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

Nope, pretty immature.

babybadger's avatar

Also, is it fair to be angry at someone for so long when they didn’t even have a chance to defend their side? I mean, he’s been mad based on other peoples’ accusations.

blueiiznh's avatar

It is certainly unfair and passive aggressive in nature.

Simply state what your feelings are to this person. There is nothing wrong with saying how you feel. See what they reply. It may help.

DrBill's avatar

it is extremely unfair, but it happens all the time

jazmina88's avatar

sometimes we hold it in to avoid drama and hope we get over it before there is a confrontation.
I speak for myself.

Tbag's avatar

Unreasonable. I agree with @jazmina88 and the rest too.

whitetigress's avatar

Darling, here’s one of my all time favorite quotes.

“Great people talk about ideas; ordinary people talk about things going on; small-minded people talk about other people.”

I hope you find the answer in there.

linguaphile's avatar

It happens all the time, and I always feel it’s wrong on so many levels. Where’s my contribution to this discussion when I’m shut out? It’s a power imbalance and a type of mind-game to shut someone out. That’s my total deal-breaker in a friendship or relationship—I don’t care how ugly it gets as long as it’s not a silent treatment. I get so mad when that happens which is worse because I’m mad at a brick wall basically—ooh!

Have you tried to talk with him? If you have and opened the door for a discussion, but he hasn’t given you the respect of a returned discussion, then move on. There’s a difference between being quiet to process emotions, and a full out silent treatment.

john65pennington's avatar

You can nip this in the bud really fast. Confront this person in quite place and ask away.

You may have to get this person in a talking mood, so think of something you two have in common.

Do not leave this person, until you hear the reasons he has not told you.

babybadger's avatar

Thanks guys. I was thinking I was at fault, but I realize that it’s his fault too.

Symbeline's avatar

It’s immature behavior, and the sort of guilt trip I absolutely cannot stand. So I may be slightly biased. If he’s angry with something you did, he should confront you. If he doesn’t WANT to, that’s fine. He’s the one who knows what’s up with all that. However, giving out signs and obviously making it known that he’s pissed but not directly telling you is not only immature, it’s mean, and unhealthy for both of you.

marinelife's avatar

No, it is not fair.

linguaphile's avatar

@Symbeline Agree, completely. Well said.

blueiiznh's avatar

You are also not being very fair to yourself for holding on to things from the past.
Either ask or let it go. Deal with any issue as soon as possible. No need to hold on to or build baggage. IMHO keep a very short account of the offenses that occur in relationships.

AshLeigh's avatar

I blame the parents. ;)

jca's avatar

He is mad at you for something he is doing. He has been gossiping about you, in telling these people that you are talking about him. I would not waste my time with him. Let him say whatever he wants. If he’s going to be so petty that he is going to pout and be mad at you, without giving you the benefit of knowing what the issues are so you can discuss them with him, then good riddance to him. Don’t bother with him, and hopefully those he has been gossiping to don’t believe him. Save your concern for someone that matters. He is acting like a child.

Male's avatar

He’s being passive aggressive, but since he doesn’t have a solid reason to be angry, he’s being unfair.

If he was angry at you once in a while, then that’s okay. Some people just have mood swings or sometimes feel angry for no reason, even if nothing happened. I’m sure this happens to most people occasionally.

wundayatta's avatar

Fair? What does fair have to do with this? If you want to live your life based on rumor and innuendo, feel free to enjoy the drama. But if I were in your shoes, then as far as I’m concerned absolutely nothing has happened. If the dude has not spoken to me, then everything, as far as I know, is peachy keen.

Until someone tells me there’s a problem, I assume things are fine, unless I want the drama, in which case I drive myself nuts imagining what this person thinks about me. I love to drive myself nuts, but that’s my problem.

If you want something from this person, then be a grown-up and reach out to them. If you don’t give a shit about them, then be a grown up and ignore them. There is no nead to complain or worry about what they think. No need to worry about what other people say they think. What you need to worry about is what you want and what is actually communicated directly between the two of you. Anything in excess of that is on you.

If other people insist on rumor-mongering, I would tell them to shut up. If so-and-so wants to say something to me, he should say it directly. But did he hire you to pass on a message? If not, then I don’t want to hear it.

But fairness is for kindergartners. Maybe for kindergarten teachers, too. I mean, someone has to give kids the delusion that life should be fair. It isn’t, of course. And frankly, I think this idea of fairness as a right is one of the most dysfunctional ideas we have going.

Fairness is a theoretical concept, in my opinion. But it has no reality. It is impossible to create. It is an ideal to shoot for—although step one is to agree on what fair is, and that won’t happen, so we’ll probably never even get to step two – trying to make the world be a little more fair. The world doesn’t care. Only people care. And our idea of fair isn’t the only idea of fair.

So my advice is to get rid of your thoughts about fairness. Replace them with thoughts about what you want out of life, and how you can get what you want, and how you can maximize your chances of getting what you want long term. Think tactically.

Thinking in terms of fairness is preschool thinking, in my opinion. Stop it. Grow up. Think like an adult. Be in charge of your life, not a passive whiner.

Symbeline's avatar

@wundayatta Great post, I like how you see things. Not saying I’ll adopt that mindframe, but it certainly is inspiring. Also, this; I love to drive myself nuts, but that’s my problem.

Epic! :D

linguaphile's avatar

@wundayatta I agree, great post. I almost want to print this out and stick it up on my classroom door for my students to read. I love the “If you want to live your life based on rumor and innuendo, feel free to enjoy the drama” line… I think I indeed will post it next to FiddlePlayingCreoleBastard’s quote from another thread.

saint's avatar

Fair applies to rules of games. The concept does not apply here. Still, it is pretty shitty. Proof that the person in question is not worthy of your energies.

wundayatta's avatar

I’m not being facetious about the drama. I know most people look down on it, but I have found that I like it in my life. It makes me feel like my life is intense. Like it matters. But I think it’s important to understand that we do create most of this drama ourselves, and that if we decide to ask others for sympathy for the drama we live (that we invited into our lives), we are asking a huge favor. Only a fellow drama lover would give us that sympathy in their right mind.

When we ask—if we do anything more than ask—then we are manipulating people into giving us attention. That is not something I would be proud of, and I hope no one else would feel proud of manipulating others into paying attention just because we have drama. Personally, if someone tries to manipulate me, I’m done with them. But if they ask me to pay attention to them just because they want me to, then I will not look down on them.

I’m not going to beg anyone. But I want you all to know that any time you feel like loving me (platonically), just because, I will be grateful and happy. There is no reason why you should. You don’t owe me anything. I don’t deserve anything. But damn! If you want to do it, I will be eternally grateful. There is nothing better than being loved for no reason at all. Just because you happen to be there.

Well…. maybe something better: being loved because you are lovable. Or being loved because you love someone. That’s probably the best. And it’s all I ever want out of life. There is never too much love, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t expect to be loved, but when someone loves me, it’s just pure awesomeness! Feel free to be awesome in my general direction! ;-)

Symbeline's avatar

@wundayatta Although I admit I didn’t see the two sides of drama you present, or rather, the different sources which may drive them, whether favorable or not to whoever wants what, the following is what inspires me;

If you don’t give a shit about them, then be a grown up and ignore them. There is no nead to complain or worry about what they think. No need to worry about what other people say they think. What you need to worry about is what you want and what is actually communicated directly between the two of you. Anything in excess of that is on you.

Among other things. Although in liking that piece of your post, I did tend to overlook the fact that the asker DOES give a shit about the person they’re talking about. Although your second last sentence pretty much covers that, I think. What do I always have to read your stuff over and over lol.

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