Is this emotional abuse?

I think it is emotional abuse and absolutely wrong for a parent to try to turn the children against the other parent. A parent should love his/her children more than they hate their spouse or ex-spouse.
Eventually the child will figure out who the real bad guy is, the person doing the bad mouthing.

I need a conceptual definition of “emotional abuse” Is that the same thing as being an asshole?

I could never figure out the I love you enough to marry you (assumption here) and then I few years later I hate your guts enough to want to poison your relationship with our child thing. Yeah, it’s abuse.

@saint Seriously damaging the child in some way without leaving physical scars?

@Adirondackwannabe I know lots of people whose parents were bozos, but the children turned out OK. I know some pretty fucked up people who had model parents.
So how do you prove the presence of damage if there are no scars. Sounds like nonsense to me.

It’s immature and innappropriate that’s for sure.

Yes. It is. Putting the children in the middle is cruel and abusive. Regardless of your feelings towards you spouse, you should never belittle them in front of the Children.
My first daughters father was a relationship I had at a very vulnerable time in my life. I allowed him to emotionally abuse me and believed I didn’t deserve better.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a cloud was lifted. I thought to myself, “I can’t raise a child in this kind of atmosphere!” I immediately started getting my life in order. I moved back in with my mom.
I was only 19 and this was 31 years ago. When I applied for welfare he first denied she was his and said he was going to “prove I was sleeping around.” Then he said he was going to try to get custody.
This was all because he didn’t want to pay child support. The amount ordered was only $100 per month and he paid less than $500. Her entire life.
In spite of all this, I never said a negative word about him to her and I never denied him access to her. (although he only saw her twice in her life, when she was newborn and when she was 8.)
When she asked why I didn’t marry him I told her that we had religious differences that we couldn’t overcome. (Which was true, in addition to the abuse.)
When she was 16 she decided that she wanted to talk to him. I hunted him down and she called him. She talked to him every night for nearly a week.
Finally, she said, “Mom, why didn’t you warn me? He’s a self centered jerk! I thought I would find a dad who cared about me and would listen to me, and all he wants to do is talk about himself and convert me.”
She contacted him when her first child was born and hasn’t talked to him since. I think she has way more respect for me now that I didn’t put her father down. In my opinion, he is a part of her, and to put him down in front of her would have been to belittle her as well.

Well said @Judi

Yes, it is abusive. When going for custody mediation in the county where I live, it is something they ask the parents about. It’s also called parental alienation.

My ex did this to my daughter, telling her that I would take her from school and keep her away from home.

It almost always backfires, though, as the child grows older and realizes the parent who says that is lying, and can’t be trusted.

@saint My Father used to do this to me, when he and my Mum where splitting up. I think that if he hadn’t said the things he had, and tried to rip my and my Mothers relationship apart, I would behave differently towards him, and my Mother. My relationship with my Mum is so strong, whereas I feel as if my relationship with my Dad isn’t as good as a father daughter bond should be. Alot of my emotional pain is down to my Dad, and he has changed my life and put me on a completly different track to the one I was on before he started doing this to me and my Mum. So its not nonsense, it ruins families and although I love my Dad unconditional even though he made some serious mistakes, I can never forgive him. It really does leave scars, very deep ones too.

@zenvelo Yes! It came back round and gave my Dad a serous kick in the backside, and its mine and my Mums relationship that has grown stronger because of this, and my Dads has got worse.

@itsjustcruel: You do not have to (and should not) talk about “loving someone unconditionally” if he was (and still) is emotionally abusive.

Have you thought of getting some therapy to sort all this out? You are right. It does ruin families if the victims continue to let themselves be victims.

Stop giving him any power.

@saint The scars aren’t visible unless you know what to look for. They’re under the skin.

@saint The “scars” manifest themselves in the way the child develops relationships when older. People who suffered such abuse when younger find it difficult to trust others, and have problems bonding.

The issues may not even become evident until the person is much older and seeks help wondering why they can’t have a healthy relationship.

Yes. It’s taking advantage of a child’s trust and putting the child in an unfair position. It’s hurting a child’s feelings for no good reason and encouraging an irrational loss of trust in the other parent. It’s using the child as a pawn against the other parent. It is emotionally abusive because it is emotionally damaging to the child.

This book might help someone in such a situation.

I like reading psychology books and I feel that that book can be very helpful to someone who is wondering what emotional abuse is and possibly even needs to heal from it. I didn’t buy it, though. I borrowed it from a library.

I honestly don’t know if it’s “emotional abuse” or not, but it’s certainly the mark of a cruel and selfish person. As mad as I got with my ex-wife, I never ran her down to our children in any way, manner, shape or form. The way I see it, she will always be their mother, and they are at least as much her children as they are mine.