When is it okay to try to stop someone from marrying somebody else?

I think I would take a different tactic: What are the chances that you saying this will result in your sister deciding not to marry this guy, and what are the possible downsides to telling her? That she didn’t tell you herself that she’s engaged might indicate that she already knows about your opinion on him. And there’s often a good chance in these situations that she won’t agree with you now, but it will create tension between the two of you that will make it harder for her to see you as part of her support system when/if she is starting to think about leaving.

You can totally hold those things against him if you want. However, I’m not sure it’s your place to tell your sister who to marry, and I think telling her just might blow up in your face.

It is my experience that people have to follow their own paths in life. You can talk to her and tell her your concerns but if it was me I’d leave at that. You don’t want to make her so upset that stops talking to you.

My younger sister married an abuser who quickly isolated her from the family and stepped up the abuse. We all (I have a large family) tried to talk her out of the relationship as we were terrified. She stopped talking to us for 3 years. She only started talking to us once she hit rock bottom and then left him. I asked her if there was anything we could have said or done so she could see what was happening and she told me no. It was a decision she needed to come to on her own.

I feel for you because those 3 years where some of the hardest for our family.

You can’t make your sister give up this guy. Nor are you likely to be able to talk sense into her about him if she has stood by him while he committed a robbery and served time for it.

If it is bugging you, ask to really think hard before marrying him, but tell her that you love her and will stick by her decision.

we choose our own destiny. and you can not control others, only your actions and feelings.
Support her. always

But do be honest about how you feel.

You can say whatever you like, but, seeing as she didn’t tell you about the engagement, she’s likely not open to hearing it.

Okay. Thanks, all. I won’t try to stop her (I wasn’t planning to, I just wanted to see if it would be wrong for me not to), but I’m still worried about her. I feel like it’s my fault she ended up in this mess already because I introduced them years ago when I thought he was a completely nice guy and encouraged them to get together.

@AnonymousGirl It’s her choice to stay, every single day. Introducing them is not the same thing as making them be together forever.

You can’t blame yourself for that. There’s no way you could foresee the future and, I’m sure you had the best of intentions.

Furthermore, your sister is an adult freely making her own choices (regardless of how manipulative he may be). Don’t beat yourself up.

Your concern is genuine. Simply be there for her.

One of the first things they tell you in crisis training, about these types of relationships, is that it’s not a crisis until the woman (or man) decide it is a crisis. You can have interventions, share your concerns, or even drag her out of there, but until she sees that it is a problem, it’s fundamentally not a problem for her.

It’s one of the hardest thing to watch someone go through because you can’t stop the runaway train, just be there when she wakes up and realizes all this.

They are all so right. Another thing that should concern you is that your sister probably has self-esteem issues. Wanting to be with a person like that indicates that she may think he is the best she can do in life. I guess when she is ready to see that she deserves much better and that she is worth a whole lot more, is when she will “wake up” from her deep sleep and get out of there. I only hope the pain won’t be too deep. Just be there for her as you already are and keep the channels of communication open.

^^ The problem is, she can do better, and has been told this by friends of hers. The more people tell her that, though, the more she thinks he’s the best one for her. Even if she knows she can do better, she doesn’t want better, because she wants him. She is the type of person who attracts several men, even decent and attractive men who don’t have pasts like that, but yet she picks this guy…

:: shakes head ::

I love my sister and I plan on being there if she ever needs someone to talk to.

She’s been there for me. When a boyfriend of mine cheated, she wrote a letter to the girl he cheated with and went and confronted her about it with a few of her friends who were royally pissed that she would do such a thing to me behind my back while acting like she was my friend at the same time. When she sees my ex-boyfriend at the college she goes to or on the bus, she gives him dirty looks. I have moved on a lot from that relationship (we haven’t been in a “relationship” since the summer of 2009), but she still holds resentment for him because of the things he’s done to me while we were together.

She views it as okay to stand up for me and tell people who hurt me off because she “loves me” and feels that they are messing with “the wrong person”, and nothing I can ever say will stop her from sticking up for me and confronting people she knows have hurt me. However, when it comes to her, she doesn’t want anyone saying anything negative about someone she wants to be with in her presence… and she’ll intentionally isolate people she feels aren’t okay with the relationship or can somehow prevent them from being together.

:/

Conflicting…

If it was me in her situation and she knew about it, she’d be up in the guy’s face about it.

I guess you can’t always treat people the way they treat you…

The friend who told me about their engagement has actually told me something similar in the past… that it doesn’t matter if she stood up for me before…. that just because she did, that doesn’t mean I should treat her the same way. He also reminded me how I felt when she did that to me and explained to me something that made me realize my confronting what I believed were the problems in their relationship would most likely result in her feeling the same way…

@AnonymousGirl exactly! Don’t worry, she WILL come around, let’s hope he won’t have hurt her feelings too much by then. It’s sad that some people don’t realize their worth and let others walk all over them. What’s worse, they don’t see that all you want to do is save them from a lot of pain. I guess we all have to go down our own path, no short cuts! I hope all goes well and who knows, she may even turn out happy with him many years from now!

^^ Since we were raised to believe divorce is wrong and to be careful who we marry, I really hope their marriage ends up working out for the best. None of my siblings who are married have ever gotten a divorce and she is not likely to get one, either. That’s the part that worries me—if it turns out badly, she may be stuck… feeling like she has nowhere to go, nowhere to escape to, because she may feel trapped in a marriage. :/

You can’t blame yourself because it was you who introduced them. She had plenty of time after that introduction to learn his nature and somehow accept it. You can be honest and say (if ever asked) you don’t support him as a husband for her based on his past behaviors. You can tell her you’d much rather see her go through hurt, insecurity and rebuilding now than down the line as is likely when she’ll have children to support alone and possibly no resources if she leaves him.