General Question

chokolatcake's avatar

Where is my relationship heading?

Asked by chokolatcake (111 points ) January 19th, 2012

My boyfriend went to hospital yesterday and I looked after him, arranged for his cousin to come and see him because he had an inflammed lung and was upset. After we checked out of hospital he was happier and we all arranged to go eat dinner but on the way he wanted me to call his friend up so I did, when his friend answered he was saying random things I didn’t understand and I asked my boyfriend to talk to him but my boyfriend became angry and yelled at me and called me a whore and thick, after all the stress I had worrying about him I broke down and started crying and I yelled back asking why are you yelling at me over a phone call, he got even more angry and kicked me out of the car.

After a bad night he ends up driving me home and when we get to my house he started beating me, told me I deserved it and atleast this time he beat me well so he could leave. I started limping to my door and to my room because he hit me hard in the thigh and he drove off, a little later on he called me crying and saying I am so sorry and then he hanged up. I called him back and he stops crying and we end up arguing and he kept on saying I deserve it and hanging up on me because I said to him if you want to speak to me and apologise you have to come see me face to face but I guess that made him more angry. He kept saying it’s over, I made him a monster (but he has thrown bottles at ex girlfriends and pushed one into a television, so his abusive behaviour did not come from me) he went to hospital again last night and was released this morning, I even called him today to say are you ok but he was soon to hang up again, but he seems fine because he was out with a couple of friends all day and I am hurt he’s left me in this state.

I’ve cut myself off, deleted my facebook and turned off my phone, but I can’t help but turn my phone back on sometimes and he sent me one text message saying I am so sorry but we have pushed eachother so far and I am so sorry again… I don’t know what to do and my chest is hurting alot and I can’t seem to find a way to make it easier for me, I’ve just been crying, I feel like he has no regards for my feelings… please help! :(

ps, I went to the doctor today, and he said I have a concussion from when my boyfriend punched me in the head, I have scratches on my arms, bruises and a large bruise on my leg and a torn muscle so it hurts to walk at the moment. Along with these injuries I have a very high blood pressure and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care at all about my injuries… he’s choked me or hurt me before but straight away he would come back and apologise and I know he has problems, not every one is perfect. I love him so much but this is getting hard :(

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67 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Get yourself some counseling. You need it. This relationship is toxic.

FutureMemory's avatar

A man that abuses women is the lowest form of life…you need to get away from this jerk, immediately.

Mariah's avatar

Only you can decide where your relationship is going at this point. I hope you decide it is ending for good. This guy is very bad news.

harple's avatar

Relationship? Nope, I don’t see a relationship in what you describe. I see someone who needs to get out of a situation, without looking back. You do not deserve to be hit. You do not deserve to be treated like this. The love you have to give will not change or help this person. Direct it towards yourself and get yourself free. Do whatever it takes to be free of him, and then get counselling so that you don’t end up going into a similar relationship again. I’m sorry pet, but you need to end this, and now.

chokolatcake's avatar

Thank you everyone for your help, but I am seeking more explanation other than just get out of this relationship, I know that but I dont know how and my heart does not want to even though I know I should, it’s just very hard.

@harple thank’s for the reply, I dont know how to get out or make myself happy, and I don’t know what he means by his message because he’s said alot of hurtful things but then comes running back… he said “you try to tell me i dont care and I am abusive but you have driven me to a point and you to your point, i cant take it and i am sorry, i dont want to hurt and it seems thats all i am doing to you, i have turned into a monster while being with you and its not the person i truly am, you can not forgive and let my past go and live our lives, if we married nothing will change and only after a year is this is happening there is no future and you can see that to..you got over your ex quickly i am sure you will get over me quickly, I am sorry.

I just want him to stop txting me, to get out of my head, but I dont know what to do or if i should reply, I’ve been trying to ignore him today and I really want to call him to get my answers and everything is hurting and even seeing messages from him is tearing me apart…I feel so lost

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake If you are asking how do you get through the emotional pain of the break up, you just have to go through it. Cry, probably be depressed, it will most like feel like grieving to you, and so you need to go through the mourning process, which will include denial, sadness, bargaining, anger, and eventually acceptance. You just have to know that 100% for sure eventually you will feel better. I promise you will.

Do not stay with that man, he is horrible. Not only for beating you, but also for throwing you out of the car. I remember once have a screaming fight with a boyfriend, and I said, “stop the car, let me out.” it was daylight and a safe area, but still a few miles from my home. His reply was, “I am not going to let you out of the car no matter how pissed I am at you, I’m not going to just abandon you on the street.” I realize now what a good answer that was.

Buy some self help books about breaking up, they will help you understand the feelings you are having, and that what you are going through is very common, you are not alone. Therapy might help if you feel you need someone to talk to. Whether you need therapy in general depends on whether you stay with such a horrible person. If you know you must leave, and you do, and you just need help dealing with the break up, I say you don’t necessarily need therapy. If you stay with him, then I think you do need therapy.

Blackberry's avatar

No where good.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie thanks for your reply, what you have told me is all very true but it is so hard.
I thought he would come rushing once again because I am not very strong, I panic easily and i’ve been feeling like that all day and night and He only got angry that i asked for him to come straight over because I hate to be spoken to by message or txt when something like that should be said in person especially after beating me like that… but he got more angry and said how dare I do this after the hospital but he seemed so happy to see his friend/cousin even though I’ve always stood by him, his loyalties lie with others and it kills me… if he was really sincere this time when it was needed and came rushing to apologise I would definitly have stayed with him and taken him to therapy just to sought out his anger… but it feels like it’s gotten to a dark horrible point in which I am longing for his affection… but I see it wont happen now, and i wont be getting that affection.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake You have to completely cut off communication with him. Every time you talk or text with him it will set you back in the process of getting better and getting over him. Pay attention to how you feel when you talk to him, maybe better for a moment, but still nervous, on eggshells, and then when he disgards you again it feels horrific. That horrific feeling will be your life with him as long as you hang on. The horrific feeling you feel while breaking up will go away. I know that anxiety, my first bug break up with a long term boyfriend ai was so anxious. I had no appetite, dry heaves in the morning for days, I would just all of a sudden start to tremble. The loss felt like I lost a limb, it was very very bad. It does not have to be that bad, not everyone goes through such a physically wrenching time, but if you have some of those symptoms you are not alone. I have to say though, it is the one and only time it was ever that bad for me. Other break ups later on I understood what was going on, and I felt relieved when I broke up bad relationships instead of traumatized.

Hang out with friends, try to keep yourself occupied, and give yourself time to be sad.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I hope I can be that strong but I feel like he’s using this as an excuse to break up, we had a worse fight a couple of weeks ago and i walked home and he waited all that time at my house to apologise but this time when he needed to be here, it cut’s me deep that he wouldnt be… I don’t know if Ill be able to cut myself off so easily, i’ve been trying and it’s extremely difficult, Every mistake he hd made I still stood by him, I feel if it’s this easy for him to bugger off, then we did not have something at the beginning. I can hardly eat, I can’t sleep, I get anxiety bad and I dont know what to do with myself, and I am very anxious as well, hoping to see him really bad but I know if I chase him it will only be worse… but a part of me is saying he is just being really stubborn and angry right now and trying to get a reaction out of me so we can still communicate… I just wish I could forget him completely… he even keeps tabs on me every time i write something on facebook and when we fight he goes through my facebook…. I am wondering if you are that worried about some one is it really that easy to just leave them like how he left me? if that makes sense…

wundayatta's avatar

I’m not sure if you can hear this. Your mind is working overtime to try to explain the unexplainable. This is probably because you have serious self-esteem problems. Most battered women do. And yes, you are a battered woman. You accept this treatment because you figure you don’t deserve any better. When he tells you what a whore and whatever you are, you partly believe him. You shouldn’t.

He’s your lover and he should love you and admire you. That’s what lovers do. They do not hit and insult their lovers all the time. That is not love. That is abuse.

Women who are abused often get something called the Stockholm Syndrome where they start identifying with and defending their abuser. They do this in an attempt to try to make sense of their lives and to make themselves feel better. It’s understandable that you would try to make yourself think that what you are going through is normal and acceptable.

Unfortunately, it isn’t normal and you should not accept it. Being hurt physically is bad for you. It harms your body and it harms your psychology. You may feel no one will ever love you and you can’t survive without love and I agree, it is very difficult to survive without love, but the fact that you can write and speak clearly on fluther shows me that you can find a lover. You will survive.

So you have to do the really hard, scary thing. Cut him off. He is bad for you. He only hurts you. You only think you love him because your mind is doing some kind of mental jujitsu to make things make sense. He may be very romantic and intense at times, but that is not good enough. You can have a lover who is romantic and intense and who actually loves you; who will not treat you like a sparring partner.

He has his own problems, psychologically. He can not fix them with you. He has to get therapy and he has to understand his own lack of self-esteem. He beats you up to make himself feel like he has power. Then he feels guilty about it. But his need to express power is stronger than his guilt about hurting you, and so he will always beat you. Always.

Unless he gets help and unless he works really hard to face his own psychological issues. Unfortunately, he thinks being a man means hurting others. What he needs to understand is that a real man is a lover. A real man is always kind. A real man supports the people around him. A wimp beats others and tears them down.

Your so-called “man” is really a wimp. He’s disgusting, in fact. When you wrap your head around this, you will be a little disgusted at yourself for staying with him. It’s ok, though. This is a common pattern of behavior. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Well, you will, but that’s ok. You will grow through this and end up learning a lot, and your life will get better. You will find a true love, once you learn to love yourself. It will be a long hard journey, and it will take years. I urge you to start that journey now.

gailcalled's avatar

Abusive men escalate their violent behavior. Your job is not to understand why he behaves as he does; your job is to save your life.

Yesterday bruises, today concussion, tomorrow perhaps death.

Get out now; find support with family or friends or a shelter. Tell the police and get a restraining order.

Save yourself. The rest can wait.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Not easy at all. This is going to be very difficult, but you must do it. He is not being stubborn, he wants to break up to, but he knows how emotional you are, and he can do whatever the hell he wants and you still want to be with him to get rid of the anxiety you feel. He is using you period. Using you when you are useful, and discards you when something better is around, or when he just does not feel like he wants to deal with you. It is not that you are difficult to deal with, but rather he is so awful that he creates a circumstance that you are upset, or questioning him, or fighting with him, that is unless you ignore his horrible behavior, or if you leave. He might actually care about you, but he in no way knows how to be in a good, happy relationship, he may never know, it is likely he will never know.

See a therapist if the anxiety is very bad. I took Xanax for 6 weeks to get through it. I tried to deal with it for about three weeks, but I was not doing well at all. My psychiatrist game me Xanax to take the edge off and it worked wonders. It is very addictive, which scared me, but I went off as soon as I felt I could. I am not a drug or alcohol person, so I was able to handle it. If you already use and/or abuse drugs or alcohol in anregular way, I do not recommend Xanax. Still, I would try to just suffer through for a few weeks before jumping to any sort of drug. Sometimes the bad feelings only last a few days or weeks, and then things get noticeably better. Give yourself a chance.

chokolatcake's avatar

@wundayatta thank you for the explanation, I can hear you loud and clear but it’s another thing and very hard to even put things in motion :( but you make perfect sense. I love the guy to bits, but I know it’s completely wrong what he’s doing but who ever has gone through such things must understand how hard it is to listen when people say break up, and how painful it is to go through break up when your heart still loves him so much, even when they dont care about your feelings… I feel so torn apart and inside me still refuses to want to leave him (even though he said he is already leaving me) we have been through so much and we have had great times, weighing out the good and the bad still confuses me greatly! I just wanted things to work out, and I know I am better than this…

JLeslie's avatar

Think about it like this. If a close girlfriend of yours was dating a guy like that, what would you tell her to do? How would you see the relationship if you were being objective?

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Part of the love you feel is the Stockholm Syndrome @wundayatta speaks of. Eventually when you are truly in a loving relationship with a respectful caring man, you will really understand that your love with this man is a desperate love that is unhealthy. You think you love him, because it hurts so badly to be separated from him, but that is part of the battered woman’s dynamic.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I do see your point, and I do not do any drugs or abuse drinking, so I might ask the doctor or therapist about Xanax, Do you reckon if I cut communication for a while and put my foot down there is a good chance he will turn around and change his attitude, I know he wont change for good unless he gets some help but I believe it might help communicating IF he actually starts to caring more, that way I can direct him to getting help, or even catching up to talk in a public place for coffee, and we might actually listen to eachother, he knows what he does is wrong but I think it’s happened too many times that it’s become habit and now he is starting to BLAME me for his actions and that he was never like this even though he had abused his previous girlfriends before.

I would of course tell my girlfriend to break up, but being in the situation it is so hard to face it

and what I don’t get is if he was so unwell that he went to hospital he had time to see friends today all day and night but he did not even think to come and see me, he kept saying how dare I do this when he was in hospital but he seemed fine to have dinner with his friend, and he went to hospital again last night and came out this morning, and yet he is so well enough to seek his friends out and spend time with them all day and night.

wundayatta's avatar

@chokolatcake Yes. I understand the difference between understanding what is going on, and doing something about it. You know him. You feel love. It is scary to think of that going away, especially when you don’t, in your heart, think you deserve any better.

All I can say is that it is possible to change. It can take a long time, so you have to believe that even though it is taking far longer than you think you can stand, you will get to where you want to go. You are a resilient person. You can stand all kinds of being hit and beaten. So how much harder can it be to stand being alone? Well. It is harder. But not too much harder. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But I believe that anyone who can put up with being beaten can put up with being alone until they get their self back together.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake I think you should not count on or hope for him to change. The chances he will change are very very slim.

Did you grow up with physical abuse in your home?

How old are you?

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I am 21, a few friends and family do say I have had quite a bit of mental abuse from my mum and dad, but apart from that nothing else, my mum though has suffered alot of hard times and I guess she has been taking it out on me, these days she is much better at controlling herself. I can;t help but hope for him to change, he said he shouldn’t be with me until he gets help but I think its all excuses to break up with me.

@wundayatta Maybe I am scared to be alone but when I think about it I really do care for him and want to love him and be with him, but I know it has become an extremely difficult situation and I dont want to lose him, I think partly because I feel desperate for his love, but I know that comes from being insecure, but I know with in myself I do love him so much apart from feeling desperate and separated that also what triggers my anxiety, Sometimes when he doesn’t come to fix things straight away I panic quite bad and cry about it…

I don’t know if what he is saying to me about we can’t be together is his way of wanting me to chase him? I know if he isn’t giving me the affection I want do not chase him for it.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Again, be objective. He is spending time with friends not you. I know it feels really awful to think he’d rather be with others than you, but his actions speak volumes. He wants to break up, but isn’t doing it well. He is abusing you enough physically and psychologically, so you will be the one to leave. Many many people do this. He is weak and immature. It is very hard to be the one to break up, because then you have the burden of feeling to blame when you feel badly that you are broken up. He is being a wimp. He is being passive aggressive, and aggressive, and controlling all wrapped in a tidy box with a big fat black bow. He is completely dysfunctional, and you are just caught in his web right now.

I promise you will feel better eventually. i feel strongly your relationship with him is over. Promise me you will not do anything rash. That you will reavh out for help in times you feel the worst, while you work through all this.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake He is not waiting for you to chase him, he is breaking up with you.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I just don’t know why it had to be this way :(

I don’t understand if he wanted to break up why would be constantly pay for me, and buy me things, he’s bought me jewellery etc always pays when we go out (due to the fact I have no money have been discriminated from my job) and wanted to marry me…
He even said to me we are stuck for life even when we had the worst fights, that we already made a serious commitment and we would never break up,,, he even said this a week ago

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Life can really suck sometimes. This will hopefully never happen again to you, because you will see the signs much sooner and get out yourself. Most of us have been through very difficult break ups, we know how much it hurts :(. Take care of yourself. And, nothing hasty or rash. Promise me you won’t try to hurt or endanger yourself.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I promise I wont endanger myself, my heart is already doing that to itself… I just dont understand how you think you know some one and suddenly you know.

should I keep my phone on and ignore him completely? or off as to show I am cutting myself of completely?

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Many times we see what we want to see. How long have you been dating him? In the beginning of relationships some people put up a good front. A false front.

No matter what breaking up is almost always hard to do. It frequently ends badly. The physical abuse is an unnacceptible extreme, but it is not uncommon to feel a little mentally abused or very emotional at the end of all relationships, even if they had been very good for many years. Part of being able to break up is having to know the other person is not the right person, and many times people kind of turn the other person into a bad person to help them leave. It’s complicated to explain.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I’ve been with him for almost 3 years now… But we had not fought for a while up until one of his friends played a horrible joke and invited an ex he never wanted to see only because she had a go at me a long time ago, and this happened a few days ago, I guess that both upset us quite a bit, but he’s treated me like the enemy.

I even cried when he went to hospital, I was by his side holding his hand and I spoke to his cousin arranged for him to come because they are good friends, and it’s become an even bigger problem.

chokolatcake's avatar

He also just messaged me a long text saying he is sorry he can’t look at himself for what he did, he is sorry and he was the one who ruined this relationship, I am his one true love and i am sorry again, I don’t want him anymore he obviously lost my trust, I wish to always be there for you still etc etc… if he already broke up with me earlier why is he still txting me?

marinelife's avatar

What are you doing calling this abuser your “boyfriend”? He is a thug.

You need therapy to help you understand why you are letting someone beat you.

You need to get a restraining order keeping him from contacting you.

Please contact a women’s shelter or organization that helps with domestic abuse.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@chokolatcake You need to do some research on abusers and psychopaths. You have to be able to see what this guy is doing to you before you can understand the relationship.

marinelife's avatar

@chokolatcake Because he is trying to get you back under his control. Block his number.

wundayatta's avatar

Does anyone know the name of those support groups for abused women? They help you break away from your abuser?

@chokolatcake if someone can suggest the group, you might want to go to a meeting just to hear from other people in the same situation.

Abusers act contrite. They pour it on. Then you go back with them, and they find another excuse to get angry. How many times through this cycle will it take you before you believe this is the way it is and this is not a mistake? He needs help. You can’t go back to him unless he gets help with his anger management issues.

You are risking more abuse. And it is far too common that abusers go one step too far and their girlfriend is permanently damaged… sometimes even killed. Sounds so dramatic and impossible, right? Unfortunately, it happens, and it’s not so easy to say it won’t happen to you. These things happen by mistake.

No matter how much you need him… and I know it seems enormous… I hope you won’t risk it.

Here’s how to think about it. Think of it as a cooling off period. You won’t talk to him, just for today. Only today. You can manage one day. It’s only a day.

Tomorrow, maybe try for another day. That’s how it works. One day at a time. Wundayatta time.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@chokolatcake The things you are describing are the typical abuse cycle that is seen in most abusive relationships. You mention that he has hurt ex-girlfriends as well and has gone far enough to give you a concussion and tear your muscle. Generally, the cycle in abusive relationships is this:

Things are going okay.
A trigger occurs, causing the abuser to lash out and hurt their partner.
The abuser blames their partner at first, saying that if they didn’t do _____ they wouldn’t have been hit.
The abuser then apologizes, often buys their partner gifts, and vows that they will change.
Things go okay again.
Another trigger comes up. The abuser lashes out again, usually more than the last time.
From here, the cycle just repeats. Each time the cycle repeats, the abuse is likely to get worse and worse.

Please, please, please, do everything you can to end this relationship and move on. I know that is easier said than done, but this guy has already hurt you enough. Have you considered pressing charges against him for the abuse? I know that’s probably the last thing you want to do, but it may help you find the strength to get out of this relationship with him. It could also lead to a restraining order, which means he would have to leave you alone, which may help you with avoiding contact with him.

Even if you decide not to press charges on him, it’s really best if you can cut off all contact with him. I know that’s also easier said than done, but it’s necessary for you to get past this stage of the breakup. Check with your cell phone provider to see if you can block his number. That way he can’t call or text you anymore. Block him on Facebook and any instant messengers you use. Give yourself time to get over him. It will take time and it will be hard, but you can do it.

Rock2's avatar

Dump this guy.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I whole heartily agree with @marinelife on all points.

I have lived through this with my mother twice. You must employ support for yourself through outside resources now. Do not wait. Call a shelter or a group immediately. They will assist you.

From my personal experience: You need a restraining order. You need photos. And you need to inform at least one of your closest family members or friends.

What this guy is doing right now is trying to pull you back into his abuse cycle: the apologies, the texts…he’s leading up to yet another short-lived “honeymoon period”. Do not allow him to get to you so this cycle can end here.

partyrock's avatar

Girl….......... I was in an abusive relationship too, when I was your age, 21…. I’m 22 now… Just turned 22 and I got the psycho creep away from me for good.

Although you feel the whirl of romance, and it’s confusing because your heart and mind feel for him., YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS.

We can have a thousand people on here telling you to get out and never speak to him again but only YOU can do that for yourself….. I don’t know how many times people told me to leave and I didn’t. I said yes I am tired of the abuse but went back.

Supposedly I heard it take a woman around 7 or 8 times to actually LEAVE HER ABUSER FOR GOOD.

I can tell you from personal experience this will only get WORSE.

You can NOT change him. You can NOT change yourself for him to stop abusing you.

PLEASE, PLEASE get out.

I went through so much trauma, so much abuse that I am still recovering from.

Get out now while you can.

The longer you stay it is like going further down into a deep dark black hole and not seeing your way out.

If you need someone to talk to please send me a private message.

This is serious and people all over the world DIE from domestic violence.

Please save yourself now while you can.

Pandora's avatar

You asked where is this relationship going. Hopefully NO WHERE. You said you don’t want advice on giving up the relationship which means you want help in trying to hang on. Yes it hurts to be dumped, but doesn’t it hurt more to be betrayed? He sees your love as something to be spurned. He values you as much as he values a roach. A real man would never need to lay his hands in anger on anyone. Much less blame you for his abuse. He has deep mental problems and you think loving him can cure him. It can’t. Loving him can only end with you 6 feet under.
Be a real woman and pick up your self esteem off the floor where he can wipe his feet on, and move on.
If it were me my chest would hurt because I didn’t have a bat on me to beat him back.
Ask yourself one thing. If you had a daughter who you loved and took excellent care into adulthood; Would you want her in a relationship where a guy beat her and treated her like crap on his shoes?
Would you want this kind of relationship, for a sister, mother, aunt?
Or do you think they all deserve to be treated with respect and love?
If you expect that for them, then why would you wish less for yourself?

captainsmooth's avatar

This relationship is heading to the emergency room for you, and jail for him, unless you leave now. He may end up in jail someday anyway, but you don’t need to go to the emergency room.

windimera's avatar

First of all he said it was over. So he is no longer your boyfriend. Yes, he has problems. He is a mean person that you need never talk to again. I would even get a restraining order on him. I would also like to caution you about your behavior. First remember, we were not born into this world to get beat on by no one. My caution for you is that you seem to have let yourself become a victim. Victims normally are reliant on another for emotional support and the abuser will capitalise on this by making you feel safe but afraid of them in some way. They will also isolate you from family and friends by making you believe that it was your decision . A victim of abuse always see’s this too late after the damage is done. As a Tip let me inform you that love between 2 people has to be joined in the middle at 50/50. No one hits their love one no matter the level of anger. The loved one will feel hurt and anger and may say something awful because they are trying to hurt you back mentally so you can taste their hurt. However, rage is insane and unstable. It comes about when a person no longer cares to be thoughtful of the other. Your ex-boyfriend thinks more of his friends well being than yours. You are nothing to him that is why he treated you lower than an animal by beating you. There was no thoughtfulness for you as a loved one or even someone he liked. You were treated lower than an animal and sent away. You must never put yourself in a position were you are treated less than a great person. Never let down your guard. If you do, then the monsters of this world will see and know and think you are ripe for the using completely. You need to learn about “discernment or to discern” a person’s soul or inner self. That should keep you away from the lowly scum of the this world and allow you to live at peace with yourself and others without worry. Love hurts sometimes but keep your chin up and time will release your pain.

A Concerned Friend.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Are you saying that for 3 years he treated you well, and then in the last few days everything went bad? He never was controlling before, never lied before, never cheated before, never hit you before?

chokolatcake's avatar

Thanks again everyone for you comment, it is really appreciated <3

@JLeslie He never cheated on me, in the past 3 years if he was about to get out of control or angry he’d hold back, a couple of weeks ago he started to do this and a couple of days ago he’d done the most damage, he’s lied to me before but he has been working on that, I have seen it but I have always spoken to him about what I dont like and I would feel like he’s actually listened, such as please dont rush off and neglect me and go see friends, I would love it if you came to me straight away so we could fix the problem and then I’d be happy to let you go and have fun… but it seems to happen again and again, but since he’s seen his ex, we were both in shock and since then we have been fighting alot more… I know it may be stress on both of us but I still havent understood why he’s just left me like this… from what I gather from people he just does no care about my well being, or feelings.

gailcalled's avatar

The primary caretaker of your well-being and your feelings is you. You don’t need to understand why he just left you like that. His thinking or his reasons are irrelevant.

As everyone here has said, the only person you can take care of is you. And you need to start doing that now, hard as it may feel. You need to learn, perhaps with professional help, how to never ever again give someone else so much power over you.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake I hate to say it, but he is bad news. He has not treated you well.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie and @gailcalled it is really hard to break away I don’t know if I can… I honestly feel alot of pain in my chest because I feel his back is turned, I feel embarassed and I’ve lost myself caring about others more than myself.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake You can do it. It will be painful, but the pain is temporary. A life with him would be a misery, believe me. I’m sorry you are going through this. Can you talk to your parents? Or, maybe aunt or friend who has gone through a bad break up or divorce? Let you friends and family be there for you.

Sunny2's avatar

Where is your relationship going? It will continue to be the same for the rest of your life. He’ll be sorry and things will be okay and then something will “make” him hit you again. And he’ll say he’s sorry and be contrite. You’ll get married and he’ll be really sweet for a while and you’ll be happy. You’ll get pregnant and then he’ll hit you again. You’ll be lucky if the baby is okay. You’ll be black and blue and not want to go out because your face is so beat up. After the baby is born, he’ll go out a lot and not explain where he’s goes. You’ll wish things were different, but will stick by him because you “love” him. He may hit the child and break a limb. Who knows?
All of this is imaginary but, given his actions so far, it’s a possible outcome. Is this this the life you want? Where would you have decided to get out of it?

chokolatcake's avatar

@Sunny2 I doubt any of that will happen now, he already broke up with me… but I don’t know how to deal with it. he said I’m sure you will get over me as quickly as you got over your ex… my ex was extremely abusive mentally, played mind games, constantly lying possibly cheated, making a promise to see me and doesnt show up, alot of unexplained situations etc and I always paid because I was that gullible… I never wanted to go through abuse with my current partner/ex boyfriend… and it’s so much harder because I have never felt this way before and we went through so much together.

Of course I would get over my ex as quickly as he left me, he was a horrible horrible person, but with my current partner he actually gave me some wonderful times, most of them are wonderful and loving.
But all I can see is how little I must mean to him that he left me like this. it’s shattered my heart and I still hope inside we could talk it over but its been 2 days and i just feel too anxious, and anxiety… I feel like such an idiot

JLeslie's avatar

Uh oh. Seeing a pattern. I am worried you are either drawn to men who lie and are abusive, or find their personalities either exciting or familiar.

I know maybe it might seem normal to you, some of these things men do. It is so common to hear men suck, all men lie, men have to have a guys night out, etc., etc. But, there are men who are not like that. Who have integrity. Who will treat women well. Who never lie. Who will always want you to come with him when he goes out.

Sunny2's avatar

It won’t happen if you can get through the pain of a broken heart . You’re NOT an idiot. Keep busy. Find new things to do. And try not to think about him. I’m relieved you are at least considering letting go. You certainly have enough answers suggesting that would be best.
Good luck and come here to chat if you need reinforcement. Jellies are pretty good at being supportive.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie and @Sunny2 it’s getting harder to be stronger, and he seems fine… I haven’t contacted him at all, I see he is fine with or with out me, I see how much time I’ve wasted over some one who is not here for me at all. I don’t know how I am going to cope…. I didn’t want to go through shit like this again and with some one I actually love.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake You did not waste time. Finding the right person is a process. These bad situations will help you find the right person to settle down with and build a life with. Now you know what to avoid, what you won’t put up with. Whether you cope well or not for the next few weeks, in the end you will come through it and be ok. Eventually you will look back and be glad you got away from him. These sorts of things also will make you a better friend and family member, because when one of your friends or family members goes through a difficult loss in the future, you will know how to be there for them, and be able to be very understanding. I’m not one of those people who talks about silver linings, or being glad about bad times, because we learn and grow. I personally would rather skip every shitty time I have ever had. But, if we must go through them, at least there is some good that comes from it eventually.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie Thanks for another great reply.

I decided i will be civil and nice to him, just because he has acted out, left me and treated me badly and is confused doesn’t mean I need to lash out. I sent him a very polite nice message saying since you really broke up with me, i am just letting you know i will tidy your things so I can give them back to you, you left a shirt, couple of tshirts, your belt etc ill pass them to a friend anytime you like, or you can come get them one day. Let me know if i left anything at yours.

love my name

I dont need anymore abuse, but I dont need to be as bad, he’s hurt me and I have taken the last 3 nights to have a really good cry about it, but now im tired of hurting eachother and if he wants to break up with me i will let it go and be civil when speaking to him

chokolatcake's avatar

Ps: I also said Hope you are much better after the hospital, please take better care of yourself and live a healthier life.

harple's avatar

@chokolatcake Well done… I’m still concerned that you are only accepting this because it’s his decision. That suggests to me that you would take him back if he asked, and THAT WOULD BE REALLY DAFT. (That’s me being gentle.) PLEASE look after yourself and stay strong. You CAN do it, and everyone here will give you as much encouragement as you need from us to support you remotely.

chokolatcake's avatar

@harple thank you so much for your support, your words, and everyones input has given me a bit more comfort and insight… I still love him, of course when you really love some one it does not automatically disappear, all I can do is go through the motion now and take each day as it comes even if I am in pain. I love him and every one deserves chances, he’s never cheated and I have had some amazing times with this guy, if he wanted a relationship with me I would definitly take alot of caution and we would work on things extremely slowly, I would also make sure he’s getting the help he needs. every person can be good, life just makes it harder. but I wanted to say something kind before he really ended our relationship. I don’t need to feel sorry for myself but I know the road ahead wont be easy, like everyone, you feel better than you always can have a doubt but I will just have to go through the motion as i said. My best option is to keep active. I dont think he will be coming back. I shouldnt bring back my feelings of anxious and anxiety back hoping for him to come back, he knows what he is doing, he eithers loves me and wants to be with me or not apart from all the other issues we have. I just wish it did not have to be this way

harple's avatar

@chokolatcake you gave him a second change a “couple of weeks ago” when he first hit you. That was more generosity than I could ever advise someone to give. From the second time he hit you (and personally I would say from the first, but I’m trying to be generous) he became someone who did not deserve any further chances.

I do understand the pain of a breaking heart, please believe me, I do. You WILL come out the other side of that though. If you allow him back into your life to avoid a broken heart now, you will end up with many more parts of you broken… parts of your body, your spirit…

Please make a conscious decision that, even if he wanted to come back, that it is not an option. Gather family and friends around you, tell them what has happened, show them the bruises, and ask them to support you in staying away from him. Photograph the bruises and scratches, and place them somewhere visible where you can constantly remind yourself that you are BETTER OFF without him.

chokolatcake's avatar

@harple I feel him getting the help he needs is the best situations that can come from this relationship. I love him and still do but once he’s told me its over and leaves me to move on then my heart is closed off to him. it’s his risk and his own fault for what he’s put me through and what he is doing to himself. he now can find himself and change into some one better.
IF he however came to me sooner than later with evidence of his change and didn’t leave us to drift apart then I would help him and support him. Better of with out him won’t get him better, and I feel part of me wants to help him get better. now he can do that.

harple's avatar

You’re a very kind and generous person @chokolatcake. To answer you I would only be repeating myself, and I have no desire for you to decide to discount what I’m saying because I am saying so firmly what you don’t want to hear.

Sadly, the only “evidence of change” would be him not getting into a rage and not hitting or hurting you. That’s all very well, until he does it again, and then you’re back in this place, only further into it all than now. The longer it continues, the harder it is.

The abused person is not the right person to help their abuser. Yes, he does need help. No, you can’t be the person to give that.

chokolatcake's avatar

@harple thanks again for the reply, thank you for your sweet words, your too kind and supporting to actually listen and reply to my life problems. don’t worry I hear everyone loud and clear, but at the end of the day everyone will go with what they feel is right and what will be better! but everyones input really helps with understanding everything a bit better! he messaged me back, I didn’t know he’d be that quick, he went to the doctors, getting the help he needs, he said he miss’s me and loves me and never wanted things to happen the way they did, and that he hope’s i am truly ok, he also says he hopes to see me and talk to me… and he wishes me all the best etc. I think positive action gets a positive reaction. I don’t think he wants to break up… what does it sound like to you? I would love a second opinion x I know his wrong doings and it’s not to be tolerated but I can atleast work on some things to make some one else a better person

harple's avatar

Oh honey, did your positive action of taking him to the hospital stop him from physically hurting you later that same day?

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Once he collects his things I think you should cut off all communication with him.

What do you look for in an SO? I worry you are attracted to the wrong type of guy. This is very very common. Or, maybe you are just working through the process of who will be the right guy. That would be understandable. But, I have friends in their 40’s who date the wrong guys, and it is pretty obvious to everyone around them. I just hate to think you might be on that path. I truly believe having your list of top 5 must haves in a boyfriend are important to know and stick to, no compromising. What are your top five must haves?

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie My top 5 would be, never lie to me, never cheat on me, never abuse me, be loyal and support me 50/50 in life

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Those are good. Most people write them as, honest, respectful, loyal, supportive, integrity. I guess I think of it in terms of wanting the guy to be honest as part of his character, not only as a promise to me. But, I think that is what you mea. Also, just worded slightly differently.

I would have been nervous if you had written, tall, good body, blue eyes, etc. All my friends with troubled relationships one after another all dwell on how someone looks when they choose a man.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie to be seeking looks while surely narrow down the wrong type of guys >_> and it’s a really bad way to find a relationship. I dont look for looks at all, You find a guy and the more you grow to like some one attraction will come naturally.

Like they always say an ugly personality will shine through and ruin a pretty face.
but you need to find some one who takes you as you are and loves you for you.Every side of you needs love.

JLeslie's avatar

@chokolatcake Maybe focus less on the word love, and more on the very practical parts of relationships. More like a business deal. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband intensely, but for me, more importantly is the respect, support, all those things you mentioned.

chokolatcake's avatar

@JLeslie I agree, when you get married its a partnership, your working together to build a home and a life, sadly love becomes one of the less important but it’s always good to have it there

JLeslie's avatar

The love becomes more intense during a long marriage, not the opposite. During a good marriage. But, when deciding who to marry, better to think about it in a logical way at least partly. I love my husband much much more than when we were dating, or even our first 5 years of marriage. I have been married almost 19 years.

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