General Question

chokolatcake's avatar

Is it a good thing to react well to a break up?

Asked by chokolatcake (111 points ) January 20th, 2012

Going through break up is extremely hard for everyone, and in the past few days I have cut my self off completely from my recent partner and gone through quite a few emotions. I’ve cried alot, felt like I was in total agony but even though he has been abusive and hurtful before why do I need to be the same? He sent me a couple of long text messages one day ago and I ignored him completely. From what I gathered from the messages it sounded like he was breaking up with me, it explained I love you, we can’t keep hurting eachother, I am so sorry, after what I did I dont think you would want me etc. I couldn’t sleep from crying in the past 3 nights but tonight I realised all I ever did was love him. He need’s therapy and help to get over his anger issues and I know he is a good guy. So today I sent him a quick message over facebook saying

since you really broke up with me, I’m just letting you know I still have quite a few of your things, (named a few items), if you want I can pass these items to a friend anytime, or if you want to come by and collect them yourself oneday its no problem, please let me know if i left anything at your place.
Hope you are feeling much better (he has been sick lately) Please take better care of yourself, and quit smoking for good, live a healthier life xox
You are a good guy, you just need some help with your anger and take action, take care xox

please let me know if this was a good idea, I feel like I have given myself a little bit of relief and my love for him is deep and passionate but I don’t know what he wants right now… all I can do is be civil and show kindess.

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31 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Your message to him is not a good reaction to your problems with Mr Wrong. You need to cut him off completely, do not initiate communication. He beat you up, he should never be allowed near you again.

If he asks about his stuff, he needs to have a third party come over to get it, and he should not be with them.

And you have no reason to show kindness. He hurt you. People who love you will not physically hurt you.

Blackberry's avatar

I think so. It seems the norm is over reacting and making breakups harder than they have to be. Even if you follow the book to sit the person down, face to face, and tell them truth, you will still be an asshole to someone.

chokolatcake's avatar

@zenvelo thank you for the comment

@Blackberry its true, the normal thing to do would be to react, I dont think we will be meeting face to face to explain anything. I got angry and upset in my room and cut my self off from the world, tonight I did the same thing but even though it hurts and it cuts me deep and as stupid as it may be I do feel I could give him another chance, and I would take action to change alot of things in our relationship, saying something positive has made feel a little better. I dont stress about what he thinks of me or what i think of him, I love him and I just need to show a kind gesture, other wise what good would come from lashing out… honestly it will fuel his fire and worse things may happen. I’m not afraid of him at all but I don’t need to step down to anyones level. I love him and always will.

CWOTUS's avatar

No one outside of your head can say “what is a good thing” when it comes to how you handle a breakup, other than “it’s a good thing to have survived”. That’s as objective as one who is not you can comment on your breakup.

Whether you’re the kind of woman who throws all his things on the lawn and never speaks his name again, or breaks all the dishes, or gives up on love forever and joins a convent, “good” is only in your own head. No one else gets to say what is “good” for you. Whatever helps you to survive is “good” in that sense.

On the other hand, we make assessments of others all the time, don’t we? So in that sense the way you’ve described your grieving and handling process seems “good” to me: You did grieve, because he meant something to you, you seem to have processed the grief and gotten over the worst of it, according to your description, and you want to be mature and responsible about settling the issue of his belongings still in your possession.

On the other hand, typing ‘alot’ as if it were a real word… that’s never good.

Good luck to you, and welcome to Fluther.

Hain_roo's avatar

After reading your other question I would walk RUN as far away from that person as I could. He will NOT stop with the abuse, it will get worse. That’s Not Love :( Please stay away from him.

john65pennington's avatar

You did absolutely the correct wording to him.

I did this. When I retired from my police department, I had anger issues that had been inside me for about 44 years. Being a macho cop, I did not want to show or express my anger that had been bottled up for so many years. Seeing dead people, babies raped and killed and just about anything else you can imagine, was parked in my brain in a vault. I would never let it be shown the emotions I felt inside, until I retired.

My wife noticed my aggresive behavior and being angry at her all the time for nothing at all. She suggested a counselor for me. I loved her enough to make that call and am I ever glad I did. I relayed all my contained emotions to the therapist and boy did I let her have it. It was suggested I start taking Cymbalta and it has been a blessing for my anger and my marriage..

The key here is, I knew what I had to do and I did it. You seem to be truly in love, both of you. He needs help and you are the one that will have to convince him to seek it. It will be a blessing, also, for you two, if he gets on medication.

If he loves you enough, he will take your advice and seek medical help.

I wish the best for both of you, truly. jp

Coloma's avatar

Being emotionally mature during a break up is a good thing, but, as others have said, this guy is an abuser, you owe him nothing, least of all a display of emotion or kindness.
Maybe you are harboring a passive desire to make him feel guilty for mistreating you.
I agree with @zenvelo , follow his words of wisdom and go completely no contact.

Showing kindness and empathy for an abusive person is like dumping a bucket of bloody chum into shark infested waters.
You are actually EMPOWERING him by showing him even more vulnerability.
Take it from us older and wiser folks, and be aware, he WILL try to rope you in again.
Never go belly up in front of a predator.

Jude's avatar

As hard as it may be for you, no more contact. Time to distance yourself and take care of you. Really.

Like @zenvelo said, give his belongings to a 3rd party, so, that they can give it to your ex.

Don’t get sucked back into it. It is easy to do so, when you’re feeling emotionally weak.

The boy needs help and you can’t fix him.

chokolatcake's avatar

@john65pennington thank you for you reply, it was most helpful and I am sorry for what you have had to go through in life.

My recent partner just replied to my message saying he miss’s me, he is so sorry, am I really ok, and he wishes me all the best, wants to see me and talk to me again explained he’s gone straight to therapy and it sounds alot like what you have been through, with bottled up rage and anxiety, now that he is getting the help and actually acted upon it we could truly salvage this relationship. The doctor does not want to put him on any medication at the moment, because of his sensative nature at the moment any side effects wouldnt help him. Its really comforting to relate to some one, thank you very much for your piece of input xox we both want to have children, we have been engaged for a while and a part of me can not give up on him.

Blueroses's avatar

The pain of breaking up won’t kill you, though you might sometimes wish it would.

I feel for you tremendously and I think you’re handling your feelings reasonably well but examine your own motivations as well as his in keeping in contact. It’s healthy if you truly want to purge your emotions and heal yourself. It’s less healthy if you hope his reaction will be “Look how well she’s handling things. Maybe I made a mistake. I want her back.”

I don’t believe there are any black & white answers for your situation. Your friends (and the Fluther communitiy) will tell you to run away, stay away, protect yourself and this is good advice for crisis management but it fails to address the underlying emotions you have and how you can justify to yourself that the good times outweigh the isolated abusive incidents.

I’m not in the camp that says “an abuser never changes”. People can and do change with the right help but they do NOT change if they have the support of somebody who will accept their unchanged state. Changing behavior is a hard, personal journey and you need to give him time to do that before either of you consider resuming your intimacy.

Please, please don’t think it will get better and everything will solve itself if you have children together. Not now. Maybe after he demonstrates consistent control over himself over the long run… you can see if there’s anything left to start building anew.

Please, don’t forgive, enable and support his bad decisions. You can be civil but your yielding won’t help him and it certainly won’t help you.

I understand how hard it is to feel you’re giving up on somebody you deeply love. Don’t give up on yourself. Try to focus on other people and activities. You will get better without him. I promise.

chokolatcake's avatar

@Blueroses Thank you for you reply, I loved reading your input and I agree with you,

I’ve replied to his message letting him know If he wants a relationship I am willing to support him on his path to being a happier and better person and no matter how much time we spend together we will still have eachothers support, so right now he can take his time getting better and still be my partner, but he has to let me know what he wants because right now I do not know what that is. I explained we need to change things in our relationship if its what you want and we need to better ourselves.

I was wondering if I should say anything along the lines of – I am willing to take it slow with you and learn to build on a better foundation etc.. though I thought I’d wait for his response on the subject.

Everyone has been really helpful, thank you everyone for you time to comment on my questions

CaptainHarley's avatar

Sounds to me as if you’re right on the money. Just keep doing what you’re doing until things change.

john65pennington's avatar

Chokolatecake. I say give him one more chance. Sometimes, our emotions make us say and do things we cannot help. You two need to fight it to keep it together.

Its obvious you two have something serious together.

If you do not, it may be the most serious mistake you could make in your life and you will have to live with it.

One more time.

chokolatcake's avatar

@john65pennington thank you for the reply, I feel like I need to give him a second chance because as a couple we went through a lazy period, and in order to change that we need to change, but that doesnt mean we can’t be together… Do you still think he wants to still be with me, I am just very confused by him at the moment, he broke up with me but he sounds like he wants another chance. I am just waiting for him to tell me if this is what he wants, I can’t do much about anything if it’s not what he wants, but I can be nice and civil so I can be more positive for myself, and then we both don’t need to be stressed over arguing

Jude's avatar

@gailcalled fell asleep.

chokolatcake's avatar

@gailcalled head is on the key board repeatedly spaming keys… zZ

marinelife's avatar

I think that you should have cut off all contact with him. I think now that you have sent this message, you should block his number.

chokolatcake's avatar

@marinelife thank you for your comment,

either way I have found my closure or “happy place” so I am no longer upset… but I would like to know where we stand because we are not perfect, but we are learning and I can give him another chance, if its what he wants, but if he doesn’t I will remain strong.
what I am saying is never chase affection if its not given freely

chokolatcake's avatar

Also, if he ends up telling me no he doesn’t want to be with me then it is a clear indication to cut myself off, I don’t need to be there for some one who doesn’t give me the chance when I am willing to give them an even bigger oppotunity.

Hain_roo's avatar

Please don’t forget this: “ps, I went to the doctor today, and he said I have a concussion from when my boyfriend punched me in the head, I have scratches on my arms, bruises and a large bruise on my leg and a torn muscle so it hurts to walk at the moment. Along with these injuries I have a very high blood pressure and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care at all about my injuries…”

marinelife's avatar

YOUR BOYFRIEND BEATS YOU. Do not give him another chance. He cannot change without extensive therapy if then., He has not changed since he beat you last time.’

Being nice after you leave is a ploy to reel you back in.

gailcalled's avatar

I finally decided that no matter how finely crafted my response would be, I would be repeating myself and everyone else here.

PS. If you need to write or communicate with him in any way, be brief, be courteous, be measured and be gone. Don’t sign anything with “love; or “xox.” YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.

Repeat after me: HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

Again: HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

Go to the doctor’s. Have the wax removed from your ears. You are not listening to the many people here who are all giving you the same advice.

chokolatcake's avatar

@Hain roo and @marinelife I haven’t forgotten he beat me, but I want to be there when he changes.
so being nice now is a plot to get me back into a relationship with him?

zenvelo's avatar

@chokolatcake He is going to beat you up again, He gave you a concussion. Concussions are life threatening, they cause brain damage. He was willing to kill you if he hit you like that.

Why do you want to get back with a man who tried to murder you?

Hain_roo's avatar

70% of men who abuse their wives abuse their children too.

Mariah's avatar

“but I want to be there when he changes. so being nice now is a plot to get me back into a relationship with him?”

Don’t ever sit around waiting for someone to change. Planning to get back with him someday will prevent you from ever feeling closure. I know it hurts, but start thinking of this end as permanent, please.

windimera's avatar

I would say be civil but don’t let him in your house. Send his stuff by with a friend or leave it on the porch for him to pick up. Break contact with him. If you see him out somewhere——go go go the other way, as in leave the party. Remember, this is a dangerous person that you have gotten yourself mixed up with. I understand that a lot of people do this out of yearning for someone to be close to them. And they fall into this web of confusion with the partner they haven chosen. However, the partner they chose to be close to them and thought was the sun and stars are actually not. Sometimes it takes years to figure this out, that is why there are so many divorces. Be glad you don’t have children with your partner. Often abusers turn on the children too. This ex-partner you had is not a long run relationship type or the daddy type. Your are better off to be free of him. Sometimes, anger helps relieve the emotional pain of being a estranged from someone you love. Just think about all the stuff you have been through and get good and angery. Stay pee-off until you can somehow adjust your thinking to the level of sorting it out in your mind. I know that your are hurting mentally and physically right now but time always give way….It took me 8 months to get over my first love and I went through alot of anxiety fighting myself not calling him. To hear his voice or just to make sure he was alright….Just got to fight it and perhaps see your doctor and tell him what is going on. Perhaps the doc can you something for the anxiety and depression. Always stand strong and fight for a better life. You are a great person with incredible tendencies to love how ever hard. This is not bad. We should forgive and pray for others but not at the expenses of our health of the physical or mentally arena. No love is worth what you have been through.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Please, do not be there with him waiting for him to change. If he wants to change, he needs to change without you by his side. You are only setting yourself up for more physical, psychological, and emotional pain by offering to get back into a relationship with him. You need to stay away from him and make sure he stays away from you.

I understand you love him and you want him to change so that the two of you can be together, but the odds of that happening are extremely low. He can tell you over and over again that he’ll never hit you again, but actions speak louder than words. He’s already given you a concussion and tore one of your muscles. Is it going to take something worse than that for you to realize how of an idea it is to be with him?

@john65pennington You said, “Chokolatecake. I say give him one more chance. Sometimes, our emotions make us say and do things we cannot help. You two need to fight it to keep it together.” Do you really think it’s a good idea for her to give this guy another chance when he has already beat her? He gave her a concussion and tore one of her muscles from beating her. Please tell me you aren’t seriously suggesting she give him another chance. I know you’ve seen women that have been abused by their partners in your career field. Did you tell them to give the guy another chance as well?

john65pennington's avatar

Seaofclouds, this is new information, I did not have at the top of this question and answer session. I do not condone anyone assaulting another person and thank you for updating me.

Due to the updated information, I now suggest a complete separation. It will only become worse as time progresses. He will tell you anything to be back with you and could lead to serious body and emotional issues for you.

CWOTUS's avatar

With what I’ve been learning about the background of this “relationship” through the progression of the thread, I’m here to change my earlier answer 180°. “A civil parting” with this individual and “waiting to be there when he changes” is objectively bad behavior. Self-destructive, even. It’s certainly enabling to the abuser. I used to wonder at the women who would think “Now that he’s apologized for real I know he’ll change.” It’s true; he changes. He gets worse, because his previous behavior wasn’t enough to kill his victim, and here she is asking for more.

In this case, it appears, everyone except @chokolatcake can see what is happening and how bad this situation is.

chyna's avatar

He won’t change. He will say he has, but he won’t. Once you meet a decent loving man, you will wonder what made you think you loved this piece of scum. Don’t wait on him, run as fast as you can in the other direction. I hope you really take what everyone has said to heart and quit telliing yourself this is a wonderful person. He isn’t. He will end up killing or maiming you badly.

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