@deni What it is for you is different that it was for me. I was desperate for some particular reasons having to do with what was going on in my life at the time. I was in a situation I didn’t know how to handle and I’m sure most people would say that I made a mistake in doing what I did. I don’t need to shame myself for such mistakes because that has other dangerous consequences for me.
What I learned was the lengths I would go to to try to find a human connection of the physical sort. I learned that I was suppressing or trying to suppress some very important needs, and that just doesn’t work for me. Others can deny themselves, perhaps, but it was more than I could stand.
I learned that I wasn’t looking for just sex. I was looking for something more meaningful than that. I was looking for a deeper connection than I could find with something fast and anonymous. I learned that I needed to know the people I wanted to meet; that what I really wanted was a much deeper connection.
After that experience, I learned that I had alternatives to looking on Craigslist. I had ways of meeting people online that were much more likely to get me to where I wanted to go, and eventually I met people who could give me what I needed. I also learned that what I needed was something I had to give myself, too. I couldn’t rely totally on others for it. I needed to find some of it inside myself.
Personally, I have discovered that when all I think I want is sex, I am wrong. That’s never the whole story. That’s not what it was about for me.
I don’t know what it’s about for you, really. Many people believe that it can be “just” sex. I don’t. I never did. I tried to make myself believe it, but it didn’t work.
I think that we are really looking for something that is much deeper. “Just” sex, I think, will always be unsatisfying because I think we want more than that. Sex is inherently symbolic of the deepest and most intimate aspects of humanity. It is symbolic of deep acceptance and of love, even when love and acceptance aren’t a part of it. I think that much of the satisfaction people get from sex is this simulation of love and connection and acceptance.
But when it isn’t there, people treat it like a sport. They score. They judge each other on how technically proficient they are. It’s like sexual olympic tryouts. You feel good based on how hot your partner is, as if that says something about you. You feel attractive. You feel hot.
These are nice things. Unfortunately, I think we allow ourselves to be fooled that this is what we want, and we ignore that tiny gnawing hunger, and even say it is too romantic. We’re realists. Cynics. True love doesn’t really exist. It’s just chemicals. This is good enough, and we don’t have to pick up anyone’s dirty socks, too.
So this is the weirdest thing. What I discovered was that while I thought I wanted anonymous hot sex with an endless stream of sexy women (and that desire is never far from the surface for me, anyway), what I wanted most of all was to pick up my love’s dirty socks. That is an act of intimacy that makes me feel more connected, oddly, than the pure joy of sex.
Don’t get me wrong. I want sex. I crave it. I think about it all the time. I want love. For me, sex is love. It is the proof of love. There are lots of reasons for this I won’t go into here, but it is a truth for me. But sex alone won’t do it. I also need dirty socks. I need them so badly, it almost makes me cry.
Craigslist will get you sex. If that’s what you really want, then just understand it is a learning process. You have to learn how to filter through your responses to get what you really want, and you also have to learn how to keep yourself safe. The problem is that if you only think you want sex, and what you really want is dirty socks, then “casual encounters” is not where you want to be.
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