What do I do about this uncomfortable feeling regarding my g/f's past?

I am not going to criticize you at all. You have your head on straight: you know you shouldn’t feel this way; you know it supposedly does not matter; you know it is in the past; you know you care for her, you know…etc. But still, it is driving you crazy. I imagine it is a bit (1%) like wanting to know who a spouse had adultery with.
You are showing real human emotions and, by the way, this is a good example why it might not always be a good idea to sleep around with a circle of friends.. Most people eventually want to settle down, and while the past is the past, it often makes us what we are today.
All I can say is: “I feel for you.” and “Don’t do anything stupid.” I wish I could buy you a drink.

First of all, understand that this has nothing to do with the ex lover. So even if she did tell you who it was, and even if she never saw him again. Even if she put a hit on him; it wouldn’t matter. You would still feel the way you feel.

That’s because the feeling is yours and probably has more to do with your insecurities than anything else. The way to deal with this is to work on yourself. More than that, I cannot help you. Insecurities come from all kinds of places. They are usually deep-seated and can go back to your infancy. Therapy may help. Or you can just tell yourself to get over it, and then, miracle of miracles, get over it.

Based on things you’ve asked before, I’d say you hold onto your insecurities as, oddly enough, a kind of security blanket. This is your message to yourself saying that this relationship isn’t going to work out. It’s a way of sabotaging things, most likely so you don’t have to deal with a successful relationship.

It’s a common pattern. It’s a very tricky thing since it’s really easy to deny it to yourself. You often aren’t aware of what you are doing and it is only with careful attention to long-standing patterns in your life that you can start to see what you are doing. I suggest you take a look at all your relationships and pay particular attention to how they end—who ends them and under what circumstances. You may see a pattern there that helps inform you about what is going on now.

@wundayatta I very honestly and sincerely think you are way off. I’ve never had these feelings of jealousy before, even with girls I knew I was going to leave. My last g/f and I had a tumultuous relationship that she ended after roughly 2 years. The g/f before her and I were just as successful (on paper) as this current g/f and I.. but I knew I didn’t want to be in the relationship so I ended it. I’m not the type to shy away from dumping a girl if I think it’s not working out, and in fact I’ve dumped 2–3 long term g/f’s in my life, in relationships that were very seemingly going fine. I would never try to deny that I have issues, but I fail to see their link to this current issue.

Let me jump in with you right there in that seemingly turbulent “he had sex with my gf” ocean of thoughts…

It’s possible this guy enjoyed the sex and is fantasizing of doing it again with my gf.
It’s possible this guy didn’t enjoy it and had no interest in a repeat.
It’s possible this guy didn’t enjoy it but would like to try it again.
it’s possible this guy doesn’t give any iota of thought in that sex encounter at this point.
It’s possible my gf enjoyed the sex and sometimes think about it.
It’s possible my gf enjoyed the sex but couldn’t give a rat’s ass about that today.
It’s possible my gf didn’t enjoy the sex but wondering if they could have done it better.
It’s possible my gf didn’t enjoy the sex and doesn’t even wonder about it at all.

Which would you prefer? I think you shouldn’t even choose because any of these scenario may be true but they are and will always be subject to change. In the end you can’t control anything. You just have to wait and see, and then react. In the meantime, enjoy your relationship, be the best bf and if in the long run, she proves unworthy of your love, decide, then move on.

@mazingerz88 sigh* .... I’m doing my best to enjoy the relationship, and by in large I am. She’s spectacular, I couldn’t create a better girl for myself. And yet this thought, this seed, whatever you want to call it… is slowly eating away at me. We’ve talked about it (though not at great length)... and I dunno what to do about it.

This is not about your gf or her history.

It is about you. A therapist would help a lot. But lacking that . . .

Stop the fantasies. Whenever you start to obsess, imagine you and your gf in bed. Just don’t let those fantasies in. Replace them with thoughts of your g/f saying that she loves you or being particularly sexy with you. Hear what she has said to you in bed.

Repeat (out loud if possible). She chose me, This is in her past.

Whenever you are around one of the 3–4 guys that you think might have been the one, imagine that he was not the one.

Do not continue to bring it up to your g/f. This is your problem.

I find shedding light on these things makes the mystery, and subsequently a lot of the jealousy, disappear. Just ask her. Who was it, did she enjoy it, does she ever think about it now.

Jealousy and irrational feelings are terrible. But I think it is important to remember that 1. they happen 2. they’re normal and 3. they pass.

It may be worth it to try to zero in on the insecurity issue you mentioned. Why are you feeling insecure? Is there anything she can say or do to reassure you?

@nikipedia I could see how that might help. But I have this fear that if I know who it is for sure, all I’m going to think of everytime I see them is .. well you know, lol… I dunno how I would ever be comfortable around that person, or with my g/f being around that person again. That could be problematic as all of the guys who it could potentially be are good friends of my g/f.

I guess at the moment I’m just waiting for this to pass, but it isn’t.

wow, paranoia central much? look, it doesn’t matter which guy, it’s ridiculous to even care…her past does not belong to you…when you have these thoughts, roll up a paper and smack yourself on the head…basically, try to systematically push away these thoughts and try to work on improving your self-esteem.

My husband is still friends with several of his ex’s. I know who they are, including the one for which he broke up with me when we were younger, and I have been told by her friends that she still holds a torch, even though she is now married to someone else. The other one is the mother of his oldest son, who we have quite a bit to do with in regards to the child’s care, birthday parties and we all celebrate Christmas together. It was a bit weird and awkward at first, but then I got over it. He is with me now. If they pine for him at all, tough. If they feel sorry for me, now that he’s my problem, they have never voiced it. Yeah, I have a feeling there are more I meet that he has ‘hooked up’ with at parties in the past, but it can’t bother me. We are all grown ups here.

@tedd Dude, sex is a beautiful thing. What happened between them happens everyday to other people. Don’t punish them and yourself because of that. Sometimes things need to be trivialized. And this is it.

Would you feel better if that guy found your gf the worst in that area? Let him fantasize. That is the most normal thing in the world. You’d do it too. He’s not gonna have it. She’s with you. Don’t smell rotten eggs till they break.

Also, here’s a crazy idea. Go out and do volunteer work. Sometimes helping others in need kind of distract you from things that pester your brain. Doing good work also expands your universe in ways that eliminate worries of all sorts.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I don’t really have self-esteem issues thank you. And I never proclaimed ownership of my g/f’s past, I even exclaimed how ridiculous I know this to be and how I used to frown upon guys who had concerns such as this. But fact of the matter is I am here now, and I have feelings that I cannot deny. While I appreciate your attempt at advice, I fail to see how hitting myself in the head and fighting non-present-self-esteem issues is going to help.

@cazzie I have actually been thinking about it and in the terms of still having a child with an X, for some reason I don’t think it would bother me then. Like you have a reason to still be close to this person. I realize that this may very well be a childish reaction/emotion to this revelation with my g/f… but I still can’t shake it. I keep telling myself the obvious stuff, and that this is dumb its the past. But here I am, lol. I am in fact still “friends” with several of my X’s or past flings. In fact my g/f is now friends with a few of them. But the ones I still converse with regularly and would legitimately consider “friends”.. were girls I basically made out with, and that’s it. I haven’t seen in person or had more than a few passing sentences on facebook or the like with another girl I’ve had sex with, in well over a year. And even at those passing online sentences or e-mails, my g/f has made it abundantly clear that she is uncomfortable with me trying to rebuild a friendship with my most recent X (a goal I’m likely giving up on because of a combination of it not working, and it upsetting my g/f.. who frankly matters more to me at this point).

@mazingerz88 I could honestly care less what the guy thinks about my g/f and his sexual experience with her. I have no concerns that she would leave me or cheat on me if he came back (or anyone else tried to get her from me for that matter). The problem I have is with the images and such that are flooding into my head and tearing me apart. It’s a me issue, not so much an issue of them.

Part of it is almost just how non-nonchalantly it sounded to her when explaining it to me. Something along the lines of “it was bound to happen eventually..” were her words in explaining how it happened. They didn’t date or have a fling, they just kind of “hooked up.” Never had anything again after that. I don’t have anyone like that in my history (which is admittedly more extensive). All the girls I had sex with had a definite relationship that ran it’s course in one fashion or another. I never had sex with a girl and then went on to be a good friend of her with no further relations.

@tedd So this is a first, I see. Hence your discomfort. “It was bound to happen”...I take it meant shallow sexual attraction? So this is what’s bothering you, that your gf did something that shallow?

@tedd Easier said than done but, relax…You’re normal. I’ll bet most guys in that situation feel the same way and simply pretend they don’t. Smile and act like it does not matter.
You are discovering the pitfalls of free love – something us old folks from the 60s and 70s learned a while ago only without the fear of AIDS. ;-).
As adults, we all have to put on the “I don’t care face” for all sorts of things, like: my 401k tanked, my kid is moving back home with us, my prostate is rotten, I’m getting laid off, .etc. You just do it. You recognize that it will not change, and fretting about it will only make it worse.
Someone who radiates an air of confidence is a lot more attractive than a person who dwells on the past. You’re wearing “big boy” underwear – you can do it.
Trust me, like a bad burrito, this phase will pass.

By the way, this feeling is not limited to just guys. Many women are the same way.
Any of you young’ns who think it does not matter, take note. Right now it doesn’t, but it will.

Here’s something to help with those images:
Know why they only did it once?
His equipment was the size of her thumb. ;-)

@tedd It was a thought. Probably way off, as you say.

Your reply was very interesting, though. You wrote:

The g/f before her and I were just as successful (on paper) as this current g/f and I.. but I knew I didn’t want to be in the relationship so I ended it. I’m not the type to shy away from dumping a girl if I think it’s not working out, and in fact I’ve dumped 2–3 long term g/f’s in my life, in relationships that were very seemingly going fine. I would never try to deny that I have issues, but I fail to see their link to this current issue.

I really do think there is something to be gained from looking at the patterns. Why do you end these relationships? Do they really need to end? Could you have done something else? What else? Could you try something else in this relationship?

Are you running? I ask this not as a challenge, because it can be easy to be defensive to this question. So please don’t answer the question. It’s just for you to ask yourself in the dark of the night when you have nothing else to think about. Think about other relationships in your past—particularly your parents’ relationship. What happened? Did someone leave? Did someone leave several times? How about your grandparents?

What were your parent’s relationships to you? Did you feel close? Understood? Care for? Abandoned? Held to too high a standard? Safe? Anxious?

Again, this is for you. It’s not something you need to defend. Just think about. If you want to talk about it, find a safe place where there are others struggling with the same things. Not here. It’s too combative here.

Maybe you can learn from the patterns of your past relationships. Maybe not. I suspect there is something to be found there, even if it isn’t what I suspect. There’s no harm in asking yourself if there is a pattern. You don’t have to tell anyone if you find one. It’s just for you, to help you get more of what you want out of life. Conversely, you can ignore the past, and spend time repeating it over and over, like most of us. It’s not the worst thing.

@wundayatta I appreciate the further attempt, but I honestly think you’re reading into it way too much. I ended that relationship because I wasn’t in love with the girl, and I realized it. I waited a month or so to see if it was a phase that would pass, and it didn’t.. so I ended it. In the past I’ve ended relationships for a host of reasons… I wasn’t ready to settle down yet (in HS), issues with distance, etc, etc… While I understand that my relationships with my family are a huge part of who I am, I do not think they have any direct bearing on this situation.

@LuckyGuy Haha that’s certainly one way to tame the demons and “reduce” them to a more manageable level.

Yes..I agree that your obsessional ruminating about your GF’s past liasions MUST stop, it is very unhealthy for you and the relationship as a whole. If you are unable to untangle your own insecurities and jealousies then some theraputic intervention might be in order.
She is with YOU now, try to focus on that. Also, be aware that the double standard is still alive and well in our society, it is still far more socially acceptable for men to have a sexual past than it is for most women.

@tedd I place no value (negative or positive) on saying you have self-esteem issues so don’t take offense. When a person concerns themselves to such a degree with obsessing over their partner’s past sex life, it is NOT about their partner, it’s about them and their self-esteem.

@tedd Honest. I’m not reading anything into it at this point. This is a matter of general principle. It is always worth looking for patterns in your relationships. Both what works and what doesn’t work.

But I understand not wanting to look. It’s kind of a pain. Life has a kind of momentum and it’s really hard to make change. If you’re not going to change, why bother trying to understand? Of course, if that’s how you feel, I have a word of warning—you really don’t want to end up like me. And I just analyzed for the hell of it.

You said @wundayatta was way off when he suggested that you are just insecure about it….but these types of issues, I think, always have their roots in your insecurities. Maybe you are more in love with this girl than you have been in the past, which is why you care more. I don’t know, like everyone else probably said, you shouldn’t care about who your partner has been with before you, but that’s not always the easiest thing to do.

My ex had quite a few female best friends from college, and they’re all awesome, but then I found out that he hooked up, repeatedly, with one of them, while she had a boyfriend! I had a tough time with that one, more specifically the fact that he was part of her cheating . When he was visiting her across the country, I felt very uneasy about it. But, I am admittedly insecure. Workin on it!

I hope you feel better about it. Try not to dwell.

@wundayatta Believe you me, I’ve over-analyzed the majority of my past relationships (or at least the ones that mattered).. to the point where I’m fairly confident in what they each meant to me and said about my development at the time as far as relationships goes. And trust me, I frequently pull from those past experiences to help understand/explain my current situation.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I won’t deny for a second that this is a me issue. As I’ve said, I have no concern that she would leave me or cheat on me or anything like that. I just can’t get rid of these images and thoughts in my head. And I know it may sound cocky, but I assure you, I have zero self-esteem issues. I am actually quite confident/pleased in myself.

@deni I understand that. I don’t honestly have insecurities about her doing something. I trust her completely. And knowing most of these guys, and about all of them, I don’t think any of them would be the type to attempt some kind of a move on her while she was with me. I have no worries on that front. I just have these in-escapable images of her having sex with each of them… and it’s very bothersome. I am trying not to dwell…. Essentially I’m waiting for it to pass…. But it hasn’t yet so I’m trying to get advice for it.

@tedd Well at least pick one of them to picture her having sex with, that might be a little easier than four of them. I hope in your images she isn’t with all four at the same time. That’d be kooky.

@deni lol… no thankfully it hasn’t come to that.

Hi @tedd… Okay, dealing with the only issue you have, which is these images, let me give you some input from someone who has suffered from panic attacks in the past:—(No, I’m not suggesting you are suffering from panic attacks. It is just my experience of unwanted reactions in myself that can feel out of my control.)

You need to work out what the triggers are that lead to you having these images
– I’m not talking about the fact it has happened, I’m talking about the things that occur immediately prior to the images coming into your head. Work it out backwards if need be.

Then you need to come up with a way that you can recognise the early triggers.

Then work out a way of changing course at this point.
– It might be that you have to move to a different room, or that you have to pick up a book/magazine, or that you make a cuppa, go for a run…. whatever works for you as a method of changing your thought pattern.

You will also need a way of coping when you haven’t spotted and reacted to the early triggers. That might be where @Simone_De_Beauvoir‘s rolled up newspaper comes in. It’s daft, it doesn’t actually hurt you, but it is a physical action and it distracts you from the moment.

Hi friend. A little tiny bit of jealousy is probably pretty normal, but the amount of jealousy and obsession that you are feeling over this situation is not, and it is bound to destroy your relationship with this girl. Only because I have been on your other threads about your former girlfriend, I know that you tend to get pretty intense and slightly obsessive thoughts that lead you down the path of despair. I don’t want that to happen to you again.

I know you talked about marriage with this current young lady, but before you do that, I think now is the perfect time for the two of you to get some pre-marital counseling and lay all of this out in the open. You can either go to a religious counselor, if you guys belong to any particular religion, or a secular therapist. Either way, the therapist is not there to punish you, they are there to bring out all of the “what ifs” and “what do you really think about XY and Z” and “what are your hopes and expectations for a relationship.”

While you (or anyone else for that matter) is in the passionate heat of a new-ish relationship, you don’t sit around wondering about money issues, potential jealousy issues, issues with your partner’s family or friends or exes. That is until you do. Now you are thinking about some of these things, but just knowing your past and knowing that you tend to allow yourself to get dragged into depressive states and highly charged states of anxiety (when it’s not warranted or necessary or helpful) I really urge you and your lady to get the pre-marital counseling now and deal with some of these things before you get any more involved or attached, legally or spiritually.

It’s no fun thinking about your lady with another man, but you have to find a way to stop thinking about it all the time, and learn to realize that she isn’t with him, she chose you. You are letting this dude take up space in your brain and he isn’t paying rent, as they say.

You need to move forward and focus on your relationship with your lady, not on his past relationship with her. Pre-marital counseling can do wonders to stop your obsessive thinking in it’s tracks by giving you tools and exercises to re-train your mind, to push out the negative thinking patterns. It will also bring up a lot of things that might not have occurred to you, to be able to better predict whether or not you two as a couple will be able to weather the storms that will inevitably be in your future path. I wish you good luck : )

Kardamom gave a darn good synopsis of the overall situation here and you’ve gotten lots of really good advice from Lucky Guy, Simone, Wundy and others.

But if you STILL cannot arm-wrestle your mind out of these obsessive thoughts and images, it will definitely eventually poison your relationship and destroy it.

You need to make a decision about whether to get some competent professional help.

You are an intelligent rational person with obsessional thinking and feeling which you simply cannot control and it’s intensely frustrating. I know somewhat about that. Totally different area from yours but the same principle at work.

When you can’t just force yourself to “put on your big-boy underwear” no matter how much you may want to, that’s when you quit with DIY and call in the pros.

If it’s super important to you to figure out the whys and wherefores, look for a therapist on the more analytical end of the spectrum. That process could take awhile.

If you just want to drive these obsessive thoughts from your mind and keep them out, you’re looking for a Behavioral therapist. (hint: it’s a shorter, more efficient, less expensive process).

There your choices about this issue are pretty limited. Either DIY or find a pro to help you with it. It really is that simple, I hate to say.

What is not simple is the entirety of it. But there isnt any bewildering array of choices. Only two.

You’ve already tried the “fade with time approach” and it’s just not up to the task. More time won’t change it.

If this girl means a lot to you, you owe it to yourself to spend whatever time, effort and money it costs to find a solution for your obsession.

If you recoil at the thought of either spending the money or time, that pretty much gives you your answer from within.

It’s your decision.

(should you go down the therapy path, I think you should follow his lead on if/when to involve her in the process. It’s YOUR issue.)

She didn’t cause it, can’t cure it nor change it. Before you get premarital counseling, you need to get your own shit on this issue straightened out. It’s toxic to the entire relationship until resolved. It’s YOUR work to do for this. Then the two of you together can tackle any other issues you have as a couple. First things first.

The ball is entirely in your court.

I wish the best for you. I really do understand from experience how frustrating it can be for an intelligent rational person such as yourself to realize that there is one small area where rational thinking simply isn’t enough. I’ve been there.

But re-training is possible and it works. But plain old time just isn’t enough for the task. Go get some tools from a pro and be happy. You deserve it.

BTW: Wundayatta’s approach is a perfect example of Analyst side of the spectrum.

Lucky Guy’s approach is a textbook example of the Behavioral therapy method.

BOTH are equally valid therapeutic techniques. Pick the one that seems to resonate better with you and find someone skilled at it. Or don’t.

I disagree strongly with the idea that it’s “Wrong” to think that way. That would be like saying it’s wrong to feel hungry when you are. Feeling possessive is something that’s been encoded into us genetically, We can recognize that having these feelings doesn’t promote other personal goals – like tranquility and self-respect (two things that can also be compromised by literal hunger.) We can decide not to act out when prompted by these feelings. But we can’t will them away, and they don’t disappear because we watch Sex and the City II.

It seems to me that part of what’s going on is an intimacy issue. When you are around this third person, he knows he’s had her, she knows he’s had her, but you are sort of a time-inverted cuckold. It might help a little to know who it is. Then at least you won’t feel all snarly around the other umpteen guys you suspect. Plus you can put out that contract.

If you stay with her, I think eventually these feelings will subside to livable level and perhaps even disappear entirely. I’d give those 10 and 30 years respectively.

@6rant6

I agree completely on right/wrong regarding feelings. Those two words are more appropriate descriptors of actions.

Feelings are what they are. Apart from action, there is no standard measure for “wrong” and I’m quite careful to avoid that type of black and white thinking.

However, there is healthy and unhealthy. What separated one from the other is a matter of degree.

We are only discussing these thoughts of his because they are a problem FOR HIM. several people have already stated firmly how absolutely normal these feelings are so nobody is judging him for it.

Obsessive thinking is simply unhealthy. Period. Regardless of whether the subject involves sex or a fear of dogs or whatever. If the thoughts are disproportional to the situation, right or wrong is totally irrelevant.

But healthy vs. unhealthy is the crux of the matter. We can only accept him at his word for how out of kilter these thoughts make him feel.

Whether they should or shouldn’t be doing so is also totally irrelevant. Perception is reality FOR HIM. And for him, this is a real ongoing problem.

Obsessional thinking, panic disorder, and the like don’t always fade away on their own. Again, it’s a matter of degree. He already knows that his obsession is really out of whack, given the situation. Thus it’s a big problem for him and an unhealthy one to boot.

If she hasn’t sensed that unspoken “something” yet she will. The more time that passes, the greater the likelihood. That is poison to a relationship.

An earlier poster mentioned their struggle with panic disorder and there are similarities in how to deal with things in a healthier way.

The OP, of course, doesn’t have panic disorder. But, by his own definition, he has obsessional thinking.

The roots of panic disorder lie within obsessional thinking. Obsessional thinking is unhealthy and causes many types of unhealthy situations.

It is rarely resolved by time alone. Time may work for grief, but doesn’t do much for obsessive intrusive thoughts and mental images.

Time is not the most efficient and productive way to deal with obsessive thoughts. Therapy is. And it has a proven track record of success.

Why would one want to choose the less efficient (and possibly more damaging way) to deal with THIS issue?

Only thing springs to mind is the expense and time commitment. Everybody makes their own choices.

If one has the means tho, why not choose the more efficient route?

@Buttonstc “his obsession is really out of whack” That’s your opinion. Both the diagnosis and the assessment.

You make it sound like cognitive therapy is the quick and easy answer to all this. Really? Cognitive therapy is an expensive, time-consuming, and uncertain solution. Even when it helps people conquer simple, well-understood issues like panic, it does not eliminate them or prevent them from coming back. The present issue is far less clear, I think.

I empathize with the OP. It’s crappy. Living with it isn’t anything I’d propose. But first things first. 1. It’s not “out of whack.” Blame evolution, but that’s how we are. 2. There is no quick and easy solution.

I don’t know all of the circumstances, of course, so my read could be wrong, but it seems to me manipulative of the GF to tell enough to make you jealous but not enough to let you know when it’s not necessary. And if anyone out there thinks that once things are over, there’s nothing to be jealous about isn’t living in the real world. People rekindle, especially under circumstances like one or both of them being single. That’s not to say being jealous is righteous or productive. I just mean that on top of being half-crazy about your GF, it’s of no benefit to beat yourself up for being half-crazy.

@tedd Well, if you’re confident that you’re all that and you trust your partner, who she slept with has no direct bearing on your life whatsoever. These thoughts, however, are not there from nowhere. You need to figure out where it all began.

Oh good grief.

Toodle-oo Fluther, I’ve got too much going on in real life to deal with this pettiness.

@6rant6

For the record, I did NOT say that having those feelings was out of whack. That’s perfectly normal. Were you not paying attention when I wrote that.

No one else suggested that either so you can safely come down from your high horse, Don Quixote. Tilting at windmills will not provide any meaningful insight into this mess.

The OP obviously feels that his inability to get rid of those thoughts by rational means is definitely out of whack IN HIS LIFE. Not your life. Not my life HIS.

It’s the proportionality that is completely off kilter. Way much more than the situation warrants since HE HIMSELF has stated that he trusts his gf to not still be doing these guys.

For most people, that’s enough. They “pull up their big-boy underpants” put a smile on their face and get on with life.

He stated that he’s tried to do just that and finds it distressing to him that he just can’t, for whatever reason.

It doesn’t affect my life in the slightest whether the OP ever is able to do this or not. Nor whether he ever sees a therapist or not.

What part of “it’s your decision” or “the ball is in your court” were so incomprehensible to you?

When someone simply cannot rid oneself of negative obsessive thought patterns and images regardless of time and effort, their life starts getting unbalanced as these thoughts dig deeper.

Unbalanced=out of whack. Using a different word doesn’t change the reality of how distressing this pattern is to the OP.

YOU may wish to paint a smiley face on it and convince yourself that it’s really perfectly normal to have obsessive thoughts and images dominating one’s mind.

But HE HIMSELF realizes that the DEGREE of this is making him intensely unhappy. Neither I nor anyone else in this thread is imposing that upon him and I have yet to see anyone suggesting that these thoughts are wrong or abnormal in the first place. But he finds their dominance in his mind out of his control. The obsessiveness is the problem. Not the thoughts themselves. He fully realizes how put of whack this is regardless of whether you do or not. Use a different word if you will. He knows something is off kilter about their pervasiveness. Whether you do of not is beside the point. It’s his life and his reality.

So, I don’t even know with whom you “strongly disagree” in your FIRST post. Nobody had said they were wrong in the first place.

But for the OP, the degree that these thoughts obsess him is distressing and unhealthy. And that’s certainly not because I or anyone else is imposing that upon him. Everyone is telling him to just relax and chill about it a bit, but evidently that’s not sufficient since HE STATES that he really really tried to do that and it just doesn’t work thus far.

Neither I nor anyone else is interpreting anything here. We aren’t causing the problem. He came here with it according to his own words.

HE HIMSELF feels that the relation of these thoughts to objective reality is clearly out of whack (DISPROPORTIONAL) for him and trying his best to control it hasn’t worked thus far.

Neither I nor anyone else is imposing any interpretation upon him. His own words describe it quite adequately. Perhaps you should take a breath here and read ALL of his posts before you keep on shadowboxing against that which doesn’t exist.

Neither I nor anyone else even remotely suggested that therapy is a quick cure all or easy in any way. (you really should read more carefully before making half baked pronouncements like that)

Nobody in this thread ever suggested that it was NOT expensive nor time consuming and I specifically pointed out that it’s a major commitment of finances, time and energy.

So railing against that as if ANYONE even remotely suggested otherwise, makes one appear to be protesting a bit too much.

No one said the thoughts themselves are wrong or abnormal so you can relax your need to defend their existence. We understand.

The OP will either follow the advice of everybody in this thread suggesting getting some help with this or he’ll just keep metaphorically banging his head against the wall.

Trying to shift the blame to the gf for simply being open and honest with him does not help the situation in the slightest. And it’s ridiculous.

HE HIMSELF realizes that it’s HIS problem and has stated so. Nobody arm-twisted him into it. Don’t you read that carefully?

Or are you convinced that he doesn’t know what be knows. It has zero to do with her or her past. It’s his inability to let go of it. Those are HIS OWN realizations.

But I guess you know his mind better than he does? Come on. Get real here.

He will make his choice of action or inaction and it will not impact my life or anyone else’s on this thread.

It’s the Internet, after all. Get a grip.

And now I have a real life to live. So, toodles.

@tedd You got such great advice here from all sides. How you sort it out and apply it, is up to you. I hope other lurkers read and learn from it.
The only way our past is truly past is when we’re gone.

Well the g/f and I talked about it. A few things. One, it appears as though it was none of the guys I thought it was, and is a guy I haven’t met yet (I’m not 100% sure that she’s not just trying to appease me on that, cuz I still don’t know who it is… but I guess I have to take her at her word). She also said she would not be attempting to continue talking to him (apparently they don’t talk that much anymore anyways, as she put it). So on the one hand that feels like a relief, but I’m not sure how it’ll play out… cuz I kinda feel like a dick about “keeping her from” one of her friends, and I dunno if it’ll really end the feeling in the long run….. But I guess we’ll see how it plays out.

I’m contemplating just asking her who it is so I can eliminate that question from my head.

In all though, I feel somewhat better about it now.

Good stuff. I’m glad you talked.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced it, but I’ve had women complain that I wasn’t jealous when I should be. There’s no working it out.

But you talked about it, learned a bit more about each other, and hopefully became closer. What else is there?