Social Question

babybadger's avatar

Why might Nick be upset with Sam? (Please read)?

Asked by babybadger (1790 points ) February 6th, 2012

My friend Nick was texting my other friend, Samantha, about something and somehow he got around to telling her that he cut himself over this past summer. Samantha told her math teacher at school without telling Nick about it, and he was called down to guidance the following morning. Later, Sam told Nick that it was she who told, and now he is refusing to speak to her.

I have a few theories as to why he’s so upset (my mother has depression and was in a similar situation when she was in school, so she attempted to explain her feelings to me), but I’m curious to here if any of the jellies have any opinions as to why Nick is upset or their experiences in similar situations.

I personally believe Sam did the right thing, except perhaps telling Nick ahead of time…although that may have caused him to do something more drastic, right?

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14 Answers

WestRiverrat's avatar

Nick is upset because Sam broke a trust he had in her.
That can be damaging to a young person, even if it is to their benefit.

Hopefully Nick will eventually realize Sam was looking out for his best interests and forgive her.

For what it is worth, I think Sam did right to tell the teacher.

everephebe's avatar

Sam was out of bounds, what she should have done is encourage Nick to see the counselor, not force the issue. If you can’t understand why Nick is upset, imagine what it would be like in his shoes, honestly it’s a pretty fucked up thing for a friend to tell on you – even if it’s supposedly for your own good. Bad form Sam, and bad form you for not being able to relate.

Cutting is common, and making it a big huge fuss, will be much much worse short or long term. Nick probably should see a counselor, but if it is on his own terms wouldn’t that be better? Fucking high school bullshit drama if you ask me.

From a voice of experience.

zenvelo's avatar

Samantha violated a trust. She should have told him to get help or at least warned him.

babybadger's avatar

@everephebe Bad form on me for not being able to relate? I wouldn’t tell anyone about my issue unless I was reaching out for help, as Nick was probably doing unconciously. Nick knew Sam well enough to know that she wouldn’t just sit on it and not do something. Also, as I said before, perhaps telling Nick that Sam was going to get him help would have sparked something drastic on his part. Obviously he wasn’t getting the help he needed on his own terms if it was from the past summer, anyway.

Nimis's avatar

Just cause you might be doing the right thing in the long run, it doesn’t mean people aren’t going to be pissed with you.

babybadger's avatar

@Nimis great answer!

everephebe's avatar

@babybadger Yes those are your shoes, what about his? People are different. Again bad form on you for not being able to relate. You asked the question, so clearly, according to your own logic, you need someone to tell you off. Because subconsciously that’s what you want, at least according to me and my shoes! See, it’s silly to do things that way.

It doesn’t matter what you’d do, it matters how Nick feels. If you can’t relate to that, don’t post a question here. You can’t try to relate using only your own feeling, you have to imagine what’s up with him. Unconsciously Nick was expecting Sam not to be a tattle-tale.

You’re rationalizing what Sam did, but not what Nick did. Your socialization limits your ability to entertain pluralities, other possibilities, other ways of being. Nick talked with Sam, I imagine in confidence, and she violated that. If someone told on you, because you told them a secret how would you feel? It’s that plain and simple. Who says going behind someone’s back in order to “help” them is the right thing? It isn’t friendly certainly.

Obviously he wasn’t getting the help he needed on his own terms if it was from the past summer, anyway.” Really? Because what’s obvious to me is you’re not going to understand what Nick feels no matter what anyone on fluther says, so long as you’re just expecting to be validated in some way. Forcing him into counseling against his will – will accelerate not alleviate his situation.

If you can’t relate to Nick, and don’t want to, don’t post a question here. If you’re looking for validation, get lost.

WestRiverrat's avatar

@everephebe But how would Sam feel if she did nothing and Nick succeeded in committing suicide?

That is a burden Nick should not expect a friend to carry just because it is bad form.

A voice of experience from the other side of the conversation.

everephebe's avatar

@WestRiverrat This question, in theory, is about what Nick felt not anybody else. Anything else is validation, and backpats. Your other side experience is irrelevant here in this question. We can debate the selfishness of suicide somewhere else but not in this question if you please. Suicide isn’t necessarily as connected to cutting as you would think.

He just cut himself, which really isn’t a big deal, and it was last summer. Millions of people cut themselves! Where does the suicidal bent come in to this, are you a therapist? Or just projecting. Come on, yes he should probably talk to someone in counseling but that is no grantee that things get better not worse. Making a mountain out of a molehill, could be the catalyst for him to off himself. (If indeed he is suicidal.)

WestRiverrat's avatar

You seem to think Nick is the only one at risk here, not true. By telling Sue, he put her at risk too.

Maybe Sam can’t force Nick to get counselling, but she has a duty and a right to protect her sanity. If that means ratting Nick out so be it, she should not be expected to sacrifice her mental health for him.

Response moderated (Flame-Bait)
babybadger's avatar

@everephebe I’m trying to get Nick’s feelings to make sense in my mind, and to me your opinions don’t make any sense. I’m not looking for validation. I am trying to understand his feelings…I understand that it’s horrible to have a friend tell on you, but under these circumstances (which are pretty dire in my opinion), I feel like Nick should be able to realize that the tattling was for the greater good. I’m trying to understand, and I suppose the gist of what your saying is that tattling overrules morals in Nick’s mind. Am I correct?

WestRiverrat's avatar

@babybadger If Nick accepts the counselling he needs, he may eventually see that Sam did what was best.

It takes time to overcome the emotions raised by a betrayal even a necessary one. Given enough time hopefully Nick will realize that Sam cared enough about him to risk their friendship for his health.

babybadger's avatar

Ahhh. That makes a lot of sense, I hope he sees that soon….thank you @WestRiverrat .

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