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trailsillustrated's avatar

Say you were beaten and abandoned as children, but you had small moments?

Asked by trailsillustrated (15308 points ) February 17th, 2012

Would you now, as a middle aged adult, care for or care about this parent? Further, imagine that you are all this parent has. Would you do it? And, if this parent told you more during this time and you came to know each other, when caring for this parent. Would you do it?

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12 Answers

Coloma's avatar

Small moments of what? lol

If my parent was sincerely sorry, had taken great steps in therapy or other personel growth work and the behaviors had been apologized for, sincerely and were no longer occuring in any way, emotional/psychological/physical abuse, manipulation…...maybe. If they had not taken these measures no.

Bed. Made. Lie.

tinyfaery's avatar

Of course there were moments, that’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

I’m not sure it’s possible to atone for such horrific behavior when it’s affects are still experienced, everyday.

john65pennington's avatar

Not until my wife and I had been married for about 12 years, did she ever tell me about her childhood and the beer drinking drunken assaults her real father inflicted on her and her older brother. Like I have said before, some people are fun when intoxicated and others are the devil. Her father was the devil. He had a decent job, but his alcohol was controlling his actions toward his children. My wife has told me that he has hit her in the face, at the age of 4, without any reason. I definetely believe her. She and her brother were abandoned as her father took off for Oklahoma woman chasing and her mother went looking for him. He wound up in Miami where some Cuban almost cut his arm off with a machet. Her mother came back home.

Her mother apologized to my wife for her past actions and we understood why she did what she did. We took care of her until she died.

I only met my wifes father once, shortly after our marriage. Like I said, I had no knowledge what had taken place in my wife childhood, until later.

Her father finally died in Florida because of liver damage from his alcohol.

Its a good thing or I would have killed him myself.

You do not hurt the people you love, especially your children.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Yes @trailsillustrated I have. Yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

King_Pariah's avatar

Too much hate, anger, bitterness… I couldn’t.

augustlan's avatar

It depends. If the parent were truly remorseful, and had at least tried to make amends in the past (prior to needing care), I might. If not, no way.

rooeytoo's avatar

A shrink told me once, treat everyone (parents included) in such a fashion that you will have no regrets when they are dead. And that is regardless of how they treated you. It was a good thing to hear and has made my life a lot simpler and easier for me to look at myself in the mirror.

Coloma's avatar

@rooeytoo I agree, however, removing oneself from an abusive relationship of any kind is often the only healthy and sane thing to do. There is nothing wrong with saying to somebody ” I can’t remain in a relationship with you, it is not healthy for me.”

rooeytoo's avatar

@Coloma – if you will not regret the move after they are dead, then that is the way to go. If you think you will however, then you may have to rethink. If you have never read Just For Today give it a look and especially at number 4. That one in particular has helped me to get through a lot of situations I might have regretted if I had behaved differently.

linguaphile's avatar

I have a hard time understanding my feelings related to adults who hurt me while I was growing up—I feel nothing. I don’t have anger, hatred, repulsion or even defeat… just watchful indifference. I still talk to and am in touch with family members who hurt me as a child- I don’t love or hate them, I just interact with them and don’t have any plans to change the status quo. I have wondered about why I feel and act that way but haven’t yet found an answer.

On the other hand, I have a deep, deep anger that I know is on its way to the surface—it scares me and I haven’t really taken a look at the anger or where it has come from. Maybe when I look at the anger, my feelings about these people will change.

Coloma's avatar

@rooeytoo I mastered the art of loving detatchment years ago. No regrets, and while I have compassion for those that do harm out of their own unhealed wounds I am easily able to choose to release them to their own destiny. :-)

hearkat's avatar

There are too many variables. My perpetrator was not one of my parents, but I they were to blame for the environment that allowed the psychological and sexual abuse in my childhood to take place, and I was not protected, nor do I ever remember feeling loved or valued.

I’ve had varying degrees of contact with them over the years, and had more difficulty with my father. I’d make peace and re-open door, only to have him behave in a way that was hurtful or showed complete disregard for us. I finally cut ties when he moved to Florida ~2004. When I got a call in Feb. 2010 stating that he had died, I felt nothing. I still feel no grief, only pity because I know he had the burden of his own horrendous childhood and life to bear. But I already had complete closure on that relationship and so I have no regrets.

My mother is a different issue—she’s still quite healthy, but in her 70s; and I am the closest relative to her, so I am her power of attorney and such. I like her as a person, but I don’t love her like a mother. Intellectually, I don’t mind doing it, since I am nearest and have medical knowledge. But emotionally, I know that I can not be a good “caretaker” to her. So I’m just riding it out, and will deal with situations as they arise with her, and process whatever emotions as they surface.

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