General Question

realisticality's avatar

Move away, or stay close to home?

Asked by realisticality (45 points ) February 22nd, 2012

So I’m currently living on the east coast and I am graduating college this year. I want to move to California and work for a relative who has a creative business that I really enjoy working in, and my boyfriend still has another year to go in school because he’s in a 5 year program. My job search has been futile as of late, and if I don’t find a job and stay on the east coast, I will be forced to work for my mother as her receptionist and be stuck under the constant watchful eyes of my family members.

However…while I am interested in going to California because doing so would allow me to work under my relative in the field I’m passionate about, I am terrified of leaving behind all my friends, family, and boyfriend of 4 years. My grandfather passed away about a 1.5 years ago, and my grandmother tends to get lonely easily. I’m afraid that..What if I leave for California, and something happens to her because I wasn’t around to be with her? I’m one of her favorite grandchildren and seeing me go across the country would really break her heart. I’m not too worried about my parents because they take care of themselves well.

I’m also worried about my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve already been in a long distance relationship the last 3 years, and while we’ve gotten used to being far apart for months at a time, we still feel the happiest when we’re together. We know we want to be together in the long run, and have often spoken of our dreams for our future together. Will moving across the country and the additional miles change our relationship for the worse? I’m hoping it will still be the same, since he will still be in school for one more year. I was planning on perhaps working in California for one year, and make another decision after my boyfriend graduates whether or not to stay in California or move back to the east coast. In all truthfulness, I’m scared that I might not want to move back to the east coast. Every time I visit California the feeling of wanting to stay gets stronger because I love everything there. However, my boyfriend isn’t very inclined on moving there for various reasons—family, financial, etc. He said that he doesn’t mind moving there later on in life when he is able to, but I’m not sure when that will be…Or perhaps depending on where he finds his job, I’ll move to the city he wants to stay in? I’m willing to relocate for him, but I’m terrified that if I do go to California and decide to stay because I’ve settled down and grown roots there, it will end our relationship, and I don’t want that at all. If only I knew the future :( I want to believe in the strength of our relationship and that we’ll stick together, but it’s hard if I wedge about 2000 miles in between us :(

What should I do? Stay for the sake of my family and boyfriend? Or move across the country to start a new life and do work that makes me happy? I just don’t know what to do. Perhaps just stay with my original plan, go for a year, and decide again later?

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16 Answers

WestRiverrat's avatar

Definately go. I know people that have never been outside the county they were born in, you don’t want to be one of those. Even if you decide you don’t like California and come back, the experience will do you worlds of good.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

It’s a good time to try out your own wings. Remember that it is easy enough to stay in touch with the important people in your life.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, go. We cannot live our lives on “what ifs..?”

Your grandmother may live another 20 years and if it’s meant to be with your bf time will tell.
Both should want what you want, and true “love” is never about holding someone back for selfish reasons. Both your grandmother and boyfriend should understand and be supportive.
Life is an adventure and I have never understood people that have never ventured from the areas they grew up in. It is one thing to go and return but another thing entirely to never leave ones little speck on the planet.

Go, go, go, and have an adventure!

lonelydragon's avatar

All signs point to go. You have a great career opportunity in a field you love, in a location that you like, which is a rarity in these difficult economic times. Of course it will be difficult to leave family and friends, but remember that as much as you love them, you can’t put your life on hold for others. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself endlessly deferring your dreams, because there’s always a reason to delay. You have a wonderful opportunity for success ahead of you, and your family and boyfriend should support you in that. Remember, they can always visit. Who wouldn’t want an excuse to vacation in California? :) You never know, your boyfriend may fall in love with the place as you have and decide to join you there.

Jeruba's avatar

Realistically, you may have some regrets whichever way you decide. If you go, your relationship may not survive that much separation and/or a disagreement over where to live. You may love the Cal. job but find you can’t afford the cost of living. If you stay, you may begin to feel resentful and crowded. You may feel that you’ve passed up a great opportunity that may never come again, in order to tie yourself to the past.

But you can’t expect to get through life without any regrets. That isn’t realistic. It’s holding you hostage to fear, and that could turn out to be your biggest regret of all.

You can’t solve this one with columns of pluses and minuses; it’s not a mathematical decision. You also can’t just leap without thought, no matter how romantic that sounds.

Most of all, you can’t take the advice of strangers who not only don’t know your real-life situation but haven’t even known you on Fluther for more than a few minutes.

I think you already know what you want to do and are looking for affirmation. If we could sit down and have a cup of coffee together, I would listen to your words and echo back what I hear, and pretty soon you’d be telling me that I’m right, that is what you want to do, and I’d be telling you that I haven’t done a thing but reflect what you’ve been telling me.

So here’s my best suggestion: go back and look at your own description of the situation. Look at your choice of words. Look at your strongest words, such as “creative,” “futile,” “forced,” “stuck,” and “passionate,” and see what you’ve tied them to. Also look at “dreams,” “truthfulness,” “scared,” and “terrified.” Which way is your choice of language trying to influence us to advise you? That’s your decision, right there.

Also note, however, that your California opportunity is not without the constant watchful eyes of a family member.

I don’t know anyone who truly has no regrets; they’re part of the real cost of living. But we can at least choose which things we take a risk for and make sure we believe they’re worth it.

marinelife's avatar

It sounds like you want to move to California.
1. you love the state and you want to live there.
2. It’s a dream job in your field.

What’s to think about?
Your boyfriend may not be right for you if he is unwilling to move to California.
Your family will be fine.
Your grandmother wants for you to be happy.

jazmina88's avatar

I’d say go for it!

creative1's avatar

GOOOOOOOOOOOO you can always take a plane back to the east coast to visit your grandma‚Ķ. This is an opportunity to work in a field you love and when you do that you don’t mind working. This answer is easy to me, you will make more friends and get to experience a different part of the country to live in. You may just love it there, if you don’t you can alway just move back, nothing ventured nothing gained.

skfinkel's avatar

Can you imagine if you go, and how you feel? And then if you stay, how you feel? Close your eyes and see if you can do that. See what feels better. This is a decision that only you can make, but in the way you asked it, it sounded like you want to go to CA (and this is reflected as well in the answers you are getting, I think).

WestRiverrat's avatar

Listen to Bette Middler’s The Rose, it should put it in perspective for you. Pay attention to the second verse.

realisticality's avatar

thanks everyone…I know in my heart I want to go…I just wasn’t sure if I should because I tend to listen to my emotions more than logic…

Jeruba's avatar

This isn’t about logic.

CaptainHarley's avatar

You are not responsible for your grandmother, although it’s obvious you feel very deeply about her. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will find a way to be with you as soon as he is able.

If you don’t do this, you will always wonder “what if?” If it’s something you truly want to do, then do it. If you find you don’t like California, you can always move back.

Jeruba's avatar

I disagree ^^^. If your boyfriend doesn’t find a way, that does not mean he doesn’t truly love you. “If you loved me, you’d…” has no meaning; it’s just a way to mislead your thinking.

However, I do agree that this is a reversible decision. If you choose California and it turns out to be the wrong choice, you can go back. Not all decisions have this pleasant feature.

lemming's avatar

Usually I would agree and advise young people like you to take the pluge and go. But reading your answer, I can see that you have a very nice life where you are, with your boyfriend and friends and obviously your family.

Before you decide I think you need to realise and accept that you are sacraficing these things if you leave, especially your boyfriend.

Could you find a job closer to home and then move to California when your boyfriend graduates?

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