Social Question

the_overthinker's avatar

What should be my next move?

Asked by the_overthinker (1247 points ) March 21st, 2012

I’m a little hesitant at asking this question on fluther.. but here goes.. might be a little long..

Seems my head is still stuck in the clouds and my little meaningless crush has now become a big obsessive crush.

I met him in a college class. We’re school friends, and have been for a year now. I speak to him regularly, although, only at school. We’d have those “moments” of extended eye contact when we both would just stare into each others eyes and he would just look so sparkly and dreamy. haha.. embarrassed

I do have a previous question on fluther regarding the way I attempted to ask him to hang out.

That I did. Somewhat awkwardly… I avoided eye contact as I asked him to hang out sometime, and then I made eye contact after I finished speaking. And all the while, he observed me and then when we locked eyes, he told me to text him.

I texted him about 4 days later. It had nothing to do with hanging out though, and the conversation lead to nowhere. And no we still have not hung out out of school.. And I do not text him, and he does not text me..

Well, I was confused and did not know if he liked me at all or not. So I observed a little. I would listen to him while he talked, smile, giggle at the right times, give good eye contact. etc. Just those little things. And he flirted with me! Good sign? I thought so. He would tease me, and said some ridiculous things to make me laugh.. he even mentioned that he was single. I could tell when he was trying to impress me as well.

But I’m not sure if this is leading anywhere. I don’t know if it was harmless flirting.. I’m not sure.. When we chat, nobody else is around. Some days our conversation is just dull. I suppose some days I find myself subconsciously avoiding eye contact.. or maybe because we’re studying and don’t need to constantly talk. I hope I’m not sending mixed signals at all. I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I don’t know what to do. He has my number too, but nothing is initiated. He also doesn’t ask me to hang out.

What should be my next move? Is he just not that into me? Or am I not showing that I’m interested? Move on and throw him into the friend zone? Or, put him on the spot and be straightforward about my intentions/ interest?

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10 Answers

Bellatrix's avatar

Stop dancing around each other? Make a move. Ask him if he wants to go and see a film, get some food at the cafeteria (I think you are quite young?). If you both like sports, ask him to go to a game with you.

What is the worst that can happen? He says no? At least you will know then. Be brave and just ask him out.

the_overthinker's avatar

@Bellatrix; the way I see it, he may assume that I am just befriending him… He’s already agreed to hang out with me.. So… even when we do go hang out, he may not assume anything else, or even know that I’m interested in him that way. Seems if I don’t even plan anything out, we’ll never even hang out out of school!..

It’s just that right now there is also no time.. finals are nearing, and he will be gone all summer until next semester starts. I’m not sure if I’ll see him next semester…

Bellatrix's avatar

Well you have to start somewhere and you have a much better chance of letting him know you want to be more than friends if you go out together, on your own. Even if it is just going and grabbing a burger together. Give it a go and if the opportunity arises, don’t be shy about asking him if he is interested in being more than friends.

As to being busy, well your exams are more important really.

I should say but really… do you want to always wonder? What if he goes off for the summer and you don’t keep in touch? Be brave and let him know you like him. He can only say no and then you will be a bit embarrassed but you will get over it. He might say he feels the same way!

the_overthinker's avatar

@Bellatrix; I guess after finals there will be some time. I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for the encouragement in my time of confusion!

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I also encourage you to be as upfront with him as you feel comfortable being. Ask him to get a soda or walk somewhere together. Keep it simple. Talk about your interest, and ask him about his. If he’s shy, he may speak slowly or in simple sentences. Don’t let that confuse you.

Remember that boys talk less than girls. That’s a fact. I have no idea why. It’s seems like boys are built that way.

Best of luck to you and enjoy yourself.

marinelife's avatar

Ask him out. In a text if you must. “Want to go get a coffee after class today? Do not leave it vague.

wundayatta's avatar

If you really like him, then I would advise you to try to forget about the thought “is he a friend or is he a boyfriend.” Tell yourself that doesn’t matter. It does matter, of course, but it is not a helpful thought to you.

Instead, focus on building the relationship. Ask him to do things with you. Tell yourself that it is just as friends, but that you are open for whatever might come along. Your goal is to spend more time with him and to get to know him better. Your goal, frankly, is to get rid of your crush and see if there is any “there” there.

Right now, your mind is overwhelmed with the chemicals of the crush. You are giddy. That’s fine, but it doesn’t stop you from using your mind to think rationally and strategically. The more time he spends with you, the more he feels comfortable with you and likely, the more he likes you. That’s the way it works.

If you ask him to do things from this ambiguous place, this place of not knowing, then you can’t really be embarrassed. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a friendly invitation, not a fraught one. Never mind that deep down you are fraught; on the surface, you are happy and comfortable and confident. And this isn’t a lie, either. This is the truth of how you want to relate to him. You are just keeping a small part of you from going too crazy.

Be his friend. Get to know him. Trust me. If things work out, one thing will follow from the next. There is no need to rush. Even if summer is coming. There are many delights to corresponding while apart from each other. Often you can say things that you couldn’t otherwise say.

Trust this process. Let it run as it wants to go. Trust that the right outcome will appear if you do not put arbitrary pressures on the process. You need not be anxious. Instead, enjoy following the path and enjoy not knowing what will happen at the end. If it does work out, will be that much more special. If it does not work out, you will have enjoyed getting to know him, anyway. You will not be wasting time. In fact, you can not waste time if you are fully invested in finding out what will happen (as opposed to trying to make something happen).

To do this, you need to create opportunities for things to happen. You need to create opportunities to be together. But you must stay agnostic about what happens when you are together. What happens will be determined by the moment, not by your planning or your desires.

deni's avatar

I agree the best way to stop stressing about these things is to be direct with him. “LOOK, do you like me or not?” Okay, maybe word it a little nicer but seriously, I think straight forwardness works out best most of the time. You’ll feel so much better.

annewilliams5's avatar

Ah, sweetie, just ask him out. What’s the worst that can happen? Either way it goes, you’ll survive, I promise.

the_overthinker's avatar

@wundayatta, I just love your answers. That’s so true.. I always find that I’m much more comfortable when I think of them as only a friend. But then usually… I convince myself that they’re much better as friends, and I don’t leave it agnostic, and actually push them into the friend zone :(. It’s happened so many times. I thought that I should change it.. And thus why I wanted to be clear from the start. But it seems you’re right. I’ll get to know him better, and also will try to leave it open for more. Let’s see how this new approach will end off.

Thanks all for input! Next step: hanging out, with specific time and place. :)

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