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noraasnave's avatar

Where are you at in your grieving process?

Asked by noraasnave (3057 points ) March 23rd, 2012

Grieving describes more than mourning the loss of a loved one. I found out recently that the roller coaster ride I have been on lately, just having been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis is considered grieving for what i will lose in the future. Breaking up with a S.O. is a grieving process as well. This is one of the many listings online of the 7 stages of grief: grieving Where are you at in your grieving process. I ask because I care.

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18 Answers

janbb's avatar

I can’t answer fully because I am hosting a dinner party for new friends (yay me!) but I would say somewhere between 5 and 6 However, it is a real roller-coaster and I can cycle through all the stages in the course of a day. Luckily, I have not been mired in total depression for a long period of time during this process which amazes me. (End of a long, long marriage.)

dappled_leaves's avatar

I think I’m through depression, but not quite at acceptance yet. I mean, I can say the words, but I don’t quite yet believe them.

Blackberry's avatar

I recently had a chip on my shoulder due to my divorce. Not because I miss her or anything, but because I was upset with myself for not seeing through her, and the subsequent draining of my bank account.

The divorce was final in September of 2009, and in my current state I’ve recovered quite well: I have a savings again and I’ve regained my freedom and independence. I was upset because I hadn’t recovered yet, but now that I have more personal and economic freedom, it’s easier to move on.

noraasnave's avatar

@janbb @dappled_leaves @Blackberry Thanks for sharing! I have found that taking a look and evaluating where I am in the process actually helps. Do you agree?

janbb's avatar

Yes – and I am reading a very good book that helps with the process. PM me at some point.

Coloma's avatar

@noraasnave I’m sorry about your diagnosis, but don’t panic, it can take years and years for the effects to become bad, sometimes they just stay in a limbo place and don’t escalate. Try to stay in the present moment. :-)

The only grieving process I am in at this time is grieving my dwindling savings due to the state of the economy. I’d say I am still in relative denial. lol
I went through a bad divorce in 2003 and it took about 2 years to really, fully, recover, even though it was my choice. Therapy and my spiritual journey carried me through.

Akua's avatar

In the beginning I was afraid and felt guilt about my past. Then I was ashamed and depressed because I thought the way I was treated was my fault. When I realized it wasn’t my fault I became angry. Really angry. Now the anger is beginning to subside (although I still feel it at times) and it’s been replaced with sadness of what things might have been like and what I could have achieved. I won’t ever forget and I think the sadness will always linger somewhere in the back of my mind when I think about it but I know that soon I will also learn to accept it completely and be happy.

filmfann's avatar

I am always at a 4 (depression and loneliness), so it’s hard to judge.

Ron_C's avatar

Wow this is a loaded question. I think that I am all over the chart in the grieving steps. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a number of problems, some life threatening, others debilitating. Since there was actually little change in my life except that it may be a little shorter than I expected, I’m about at the end of that one.

Two years ago, my Dad died, you would think that since I’m middle aged and date had a good 93 years I would have reached the acceptance stage but I haven’t. I still can’t believe it.

Now it turns out that I am having flashbacks and PTSD from Vietnam, since that was almost fifty years ago I am incredulous. My doctor says it’s common with men when they are contemplating retirement. I am very angry about that because I am in the first stages of grief for a 50 year old event—-shit!!!!

gailcalled's avatar

Tomorrow is the 16th anniversary of the untimely and accidental death of a beloved family member. I have no words to describe what that feels like.

I sit in my woods and run the video in my head of the well-documented events of that day in 1996. Milo trots around and makes me laugh. Then the day is over.

cookieman's avatar

Here’s my problem with the “grieving process” – real life is not nearly as neat and tidy as the seven steps implies.

I could be grieving the loss of a loved one, and be at (say) stage 5. Then, I lose my job and in grieving that, I’m at (maybe) a 2. Then, over in another part of my life, everything’s peachy – so I’m well past number 7. And…I’m experiencing this all simultaneously while just trying to get through the day-to-day.

So what stage am I at? I have no fucking clue because, frankly, I can’t stop to do the emotional algebra.

talljasperman's avatar

I am muti-tasking all 7 stages at once for multiple griefs… with new and old ones added and deleted daily.

noraasnave's avatar

@cprevite Wow, that would be some emotional algebra. I have only had to figure out a slight parallel to the situation you are describing: My diagnosis, transitioning to civilian life (finding a job, enrolling in college, being a stay at home dad for a change), learning to give myself shots, and a few other things that I can’t recall at this hour maybe this means I have navigated the grieving process for them

Anyway juggling these different ‘griefs’ is overwhelming to the point of anger and tears. I can only share what has worked for me:

Journaling, talking to a network of 10 friends, professional counselor, working through them ‘out loud’ on fluther, and talking to myself about them. This helps solve the maddening emotional algebra for me.

AshLeigh's avatar

It depends which event I’m talking about.
I am in each of these stages.

Mostly, I would say 2, and 4.
It has been nine months, and the pain has not lessened. I miss Nick. I miss Asher. I never stop missing Asher.

harple's avatar

I’ve been through all seven in the last 12 months for a lost love (circumstances and logic rather than feelings decided our fate)... but am glad to say I am now mostly at stage 7 for that. Stage 2 was incredibly strong – not ever experienced it to that degree for a lost love before.

My ongoing process for my father who died so long ago jumps between 4 and 7… I’m not sure, given that I was three when he died, that I ever experienced 5 and 6. 95% of the time I am in 7 for that though. Occasionally, but only very occasionally, I have a stint of stage 2 or 3, but it only lasts an evening, and is usually triggered by something such as watching a movie.

I recently unexpectedly lost some work (I’m self-employed so it’s not the be all and end all, I have other work, but at the same time, it was a significant chunk of my income will take some replacing)... It has really thrown me, and I think I am actually grieving for it. Definitely in stage 1 – have not been able to motivate myself into doing anything about it, which is a dangerous place for me to stay as I need to replace it to survive.

Aster's avatar

I remain grieving most of the time each day for things that are going to happen. It’s a neurosis, I think. Or depression? I’ve been in this mental state for so long that it feels normal to me and I wonder why everybody isn’t grieving for all the losses they’re going to have to deal with at some point sooner or later. From kids to adults to pets I’m grieving. Seems like I’d be that way about myself but I’m not. lol

noraasnave's avatar

@harple I don’t know if this could work for you, but I read (I think from Tony Robbins) that when you visualize a situation your mind reacts to the visualization very similarly to how it reacts to a real situation. I know that it helped me relax a little thinking about giving myself a shot of interferon.

If you felt adventurous you could attempt to visualize a casket with your father in it…visualize his casket going into the ground…etc. I can’t think of a way that this would be easy, but it might help you move through the healing process. Actually, I am pretty sure that this is going to be painful for you.

The only way I would wish pain on anyone would be if I knew that a little pain now might cause less pain and more freedom in the future.

I read a book on death and dying…actually I think that was the title, and my summary of the grieving process is that if one wants healing and wholeness again then if they fight for it (try everything they can think of), they will get it, if one doesn’t want to fight and push through it…they stay stuck.

harple's avatar

Erm, no.

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