Social Question

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

At what age did your kids become sexually active?

Asked by Adirondackwannabe (33369 points ) March 26th, 2012

I got in the elevator last week and two young girls were in there obviously lost. I asked what they were trying to find. They finally said Planned Parenthood. One girl was about 14 the other younger. Yeah, that young.

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65 Answers

tedd's avatar

Well don’t jump to conclusions just yet…. I know as I’ve gotten older I see kids who appear to be 13–15 to me.. and later I find out they’re almost 20. A girl I dated once was a coxain (spelling?).. the like little person that shouts at the rowers in a crew team. She was 100 pounds soaking wet. At age 22 she was on a plane for some competition across the country, and she was in the emergency exit aisle.. the stewardess came up and asked “hunny you have to be at least 13 to sit here..” .... My friend was not amused, lol.

I do not have children yet, so I cannot really relate directly to what you asked… But I can impart what I know from myself, my friends, and my x’s. I became sexually active at 16 (didn’t have sex til 18). All of my friends/x’s that I know when they started (as in it came up in conversation at some point) were at least 16 as well. Some were significantly older. I can only think of one situation of a girl I knew (not friends with) who started earlier than that (like wayyyyy earlier, 12 even)... But she was abused (sexually/physically/mentally) and really messed up as a result.

dabbler's avatar

Maybe those girls were curious. And if they’re going to a place like Planned Parenthood for information, good on them, they could do a lot worse.

SuperMouse's avatar

I’m hoping for about 25. I have a 13 year-old and this question freaks me a out!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

The older girl was 14 at best. I’m sure. I’m just glad we have Planned Parenthood. I’m still a little freaked too.

LuckyGuy's avatar

One has been married for 4 years, the other is single near 30. I have no evidence that either has ever been sexually active. It has never been mentioned – not even a hint.
The only evidence they have of my sexual activity is their birth certificates.

AmWiser's avatar

Even with the talk I feel certain it was around age 16–17. I noticed changes in my daughter’s around that time. What could I say except like mother like daughter. Or as my mother would say, ‘the fruit don’t fall to far from the tree’ :-}

Blackberry's avatar

When I was 15 I messed around with a 13 year old…....Sue me. If it makes you feel any better, she was all over me first, lol!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Blackberry I bet you fought back heroically to protect your virtue.

coastiegirl96's avatar

Okay.. I’m almost sixteen, and I became sexually active with my boyfriend last year. My parents had no clue, and when they found out I was the shame of my family. It came with a lot of baggage. I don’t regret it, but I definitely think you should be sure. And if you’re daughter’s sure you can only try to change her mind.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Blackberry Didn’t think so. XD

dappled_leaves's avatar

I think 14 is verging on too late to start asking questions. That alone makes it a good thing that they were at Planned Parenthood. I think they sound very responsible, whether they are sexually active or not.

@tedd – the word you were looking for is cockswain. There is one among our number!

Blackberry's avatar

@coastiegirl96 I’m confused, why were you shamed? Did they want you to wait until marriage or something?

coastiegirl96's avatar

@Blackberry They didn’t trust him first of all. And secondly, yes. They want me to wait. They still do. Now I’m forgiven. But I’m constantly reminded of my forgiveness. And I’m not allowed to have contact with him, but I still do. We’re still together.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@coastiegirl96 That’s your parents shame, not yours. I think everyone of us owes a little to sex. We wouldn’t be here without it.

coastiegirl96's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Thank you. I agree. Not to mention the fact that my parents did it when they were 16 and 17.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@coastiegirl96 My mother got married at 17, 7 months before my sister was born, at full term. :)

6rant6's avatar

Like I’d know.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Oh dear God. My daughters are 11 and almost 6 right now. I hope to high hell they wait until they’re at least old enough to be responsible about it. And that they talk to me about it, so I can give them some kind, motherly advice. I will never shame them for it, nor will I demand that they wait; I just want to point out a few things that they may not have thought of on their own. I would prefer they be 17 or older, but I won’t faint if it happens earlier.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate I’m really glad I’m not in your shoes. Oh man.

Sunny2's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate You initiate “the talk“or it may not happen.
I have no idea about my own kids, but I suspect they were ‘late bloomers’ as was I. They are good, kind people and, with correct information, I knew they’d make reasonable choices. For the most part, they have.

coastiegirl96's avatar

@Sunny2 I agree. My parents never had the talk with me, they just assumed I would come to them. Of course I didn’t it’s crazy embarrassing and awkward. They have to start it.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate Hoping they will talk to you about it is not going to make it happen, haha. I can’t imagine initiating the conversation as a young teen.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I learned about it by doing it, unprotected for the first dozen times or so. I have a guardian angel.

cookieman's avatar

My daughter is only nine – so the answer is not yet. But the day will come – and while I’m a little freaked out about that inevitability, we’ve decided to start talking about sex with her now.

Nothing serious or scary, just putting it out there like its a perfectly natural part of life between two adults who love each other. She asks questions, we answer. I’m hoping by the time she’s in a position to decide, she choose wisely. fingers crossed

LuckyGuy's avatar

I know I sound like a broken record (or an 8 second techno loop from Cereal Killaz- for you young’uns) but I’ll say it again.
We have a family friend over 21 who was charged (and convicted in NYS) for having consensual sex with his girlfriend 10 days before her 17th birthday. In some states that would be called holy matrimony, but in NY it is classified as Rape 3rd. He is now a registered sex offender. His life is ruined.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Sunny2 and @dappled_leaves Oh definitely. I didn’t mean that I plan to just sit by and wait for them to bring it up. I meant that I hope they feel comfortable talking to me about their intentions. I’ve already had “the talk” with my oldest and I imagine I’ll be having “the talk” with my youngest in 3–4 years.

I plan to start conversations with them about the possibility of sex and that I want them to feel comfortable coming to me beforehand, if they’re even thinking about it, so I can get them on birth control. I’d much rather know what they’re doing, than have them sneak around and get pregnant at an early age.

wilma's avatar

I have three sons, I talk to them everyday about what @LuckyGuy says. I also have a friend whose son is in that same situation, consensual sex, he had just turned18 she was almost 16. Right now he is in jail, his life is ruined.

I don’t know for sure when my older kids started having sex, they are both married and parents now. I suspect my daughter was 17, my son 19.

Mariah's avatar

Keep in mind one of the girls may have been raped, although honestly a (consentually) sexually active 14 year old isn’t too much of a shocker to me.

Coloma's avatar

My daughter who is 24 was not sexually active until she was 21 and has been with her same boyfriend for 3 years now.
I, on the other hand, was 16. Probably fairly average, all in all.
But the times have changed, I was a 70’s kid and everybody knows what that era was all about, sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. I’m pleased my daughter waited a lot longer than I did.

Yes, 14 is very young, but the important thing is these girls were taking responsibility for their reproductive heath and that counts for a lot.
Also, it wasn’t all that long ago that kids were marrying and having babies in their teens.
While 14 is still an extremely tender age, better safe than sorry.

Coloma's avatar

@LuckyGuy Wow, that is a shame, poor guy, just awful!
Jeez, I was dating a 24 yr. old guy at 17 and engaging in consensual sexuality. Mercy…that is just so WRONG, that guy would have been better off with a felony of some sort than being branded a sexual offender for the rest of his life. Truly sad.

captainsmooth's avatar

The answer about my 11 year old is: she had better not be active yet! LOL

I know that she is not because she doesn’t want to hang out with the 14 year old female neighbor and her friends because it makes her uncomfortable since they are starting to become more sexually active with the boys in the hood.

nikipedia's avatar

Maybe one of them had a yeast infection, or is getting an HPV vaccination, or just started her period and doesn’t have a mother figure to talk to about everything. Or maybe they were volunteering for community service hours. Or putting up a flyer offering babysitting services. Who knows. There are a lot of possible explanations out there.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@nikipedia Yeah that’s possible. Would that also explain all the giggles?

Coloma's avatar

@nikipedia Good point, yes, one can never assume anything. It would be like assuming everyone you see in a court house is a criminal rather than just getting a divorce. lol

nikipedia's avatar

Having once been a 14 year old girl, I think just being 14 explains all the giggles.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@nikipedia Yeah some of it.:)

tedd's avatar

@LuckyGuy @Coloma Yep, that’s America for you…. Same country where someone dumps a bag of flour on Kim Kardashian and gets arrested on the spot… but a man shoots a 17 year old boy to death and is still free weeks later.

SuperMouse's avatar

@nikipedia thank you for your extremely rational explanations! You brought a bit of peace of mind to the mother of adolescents.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Coloma Seriously. He would be better off if he had killed someone. He served time, has to follow that up with 10 years parole, and will be on the SO list for life. His life is over.

@wilma See? You get it. Before our friend got arrested I had no idea the laws were so dumb. After watching this fiasco play out, I now feel the 16 year old should be charged too- for contributing to the delinquency of an adult. She had been chasing him for months. But, he is the adult so…

A 16 year old who gives an 18 year old a hand job is potentially ruining his life. Incredible.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Maybe they thought you were cute, and that’s why they were giggling. I know when I was 14, I developed crushes on older men every day.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate Yeah I’ll go with that idea.:)

Judi's avatar

I was 14 and glad that planned parenthood was around. My children all waited longer than I did.

Akua's avatar

Well by sexually active I’m assuming you mean sex with other people. That I don’t know. Of course my daughter is 17 and not sexually active but my son started to experiment with his body around the age of 13–14 yrs old. I remember him yelling for me to come and look at something. He was in the bathroom. I went because I thought he was bleeding from somewhere. Anyway, I opened the bathroom door (concerned) and he very happily and proudly showed me a handful of semen and he was very shocked at what apparently just happened with his body.

wilma's avatar

Oh my gosh @Akua what did you do?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Akua No that’s a parenting moment.

tedd's avatar

@Akua wowza…. Here’s to hoping I never have that experience when I become a father, lol.

In my own opinion, sexually active means anything sexual… not necessarily sex (IE oral sex, manual sex, etc).. but involving two or more people. Sex, is sex to me.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Akua Your son didn’t know what semen was at 13? Dude.

wilma's avatar

@dappled_leaves that’s what I was thinking.
@Akua Hadn’t he at least had some sex ed at school?

Coloma's avatar

There’s no accounting for kids and what they might do.

I remember a friend in Jr. High that saved a little glob of vaginal mucus wrapped up in a napkin to show her mother. haha
She was really concerned that something was wrong with her.
We were all still virgins at the time.

It was most likely that she was ovulating.Of course knowing this later in our maturity.
We were about 14–15 and she showed us this in the girls bathroom at school and said she was going to show it to her mother. I NEVER would have thought of doing the same. lol

downtide's avatar

To my knowledge my daughter was 16, but I know she’d been experimenting on her own before that because my vibrator would keep disappearing from my bedroom and appearing in hers.

Akua's avatar

@wilma I didnt do anything. He said “Ma LOOK!” I just looked at it and said oh ok! Well that what happens with boys your age. He said something about that it was not the first time he had been aroused but it WAS the first time anything ever came out. I asked him if he wanted to come out of the bathroom and talk some more and he said “No, I just wanted to show you that”. I said “Okay, cool, wash your hands”. I remember feeling very proud that my son felt comfortable enough with me to show me that, to confide in me. It didn’t freak me out in the least. @dappled_leaves Yes I’m sure he knew what it was, and from what he said I gathered that he had been working overtime trying to get to that point. When he did he couldn’t contain his excitement. @wilma no he had not had any sex Ed at school but I did teach him about sex at home. He saw his sister born and sex was never taboo in our home. He knew more than most his age. He wasn’t clueless just surprised and he was still learning what his body could do. For him it meant he was a man. He had masturbated before but never got to that point (i’m assuming). @Adirondackwannabe it sure was a kodak moment.
@Coloma very true, I wasn’t taught ANYTHING about my body and sex and basically learned it as I went along. I would never have been able to tell my parents that stuff.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Akua 100 GA’s. Kodak moment. I’m LMAO.

Akua's avatar

@downtide REALLY? Why didn’t you get her one of her own? Just curious.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Akua Thanks for that, that really made me laugh. :)

downtide's avatar

@Akua I did eventually.

Akua's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks. @dappled_leaves My pleasure, anytime. @downtide Thumbs up!

noraasnave's avatar

I waited until I was on “boot leave” or otherwise known as the leave period after boot camp to have sex for the first time. Doing sexual things started around 16 with my first girlfriend.

I don’t remember why, but at the age of 11 or 12 I had this fear that my Parents were going to teach me about sex by “showing me” how sex worked by doing it themselves.

So you can imagine how relieved I was for Dad to grab the Illustrated instructional book that they kept hidden, under their bed (which I had already been looking at for 6 months secretly). Dad turned to pictures of female genitalia, and showed me. It was kind of awkward and uncomfortable. Then we never talked about it again.

I try to keep an open line of communication with my 12 year old son about sex. Saying that it is going to probably be a driving force as he gets older. That I am an expert on sex (as far as he knows) and that I would be happy to answer any questions he has without jumping to conclusions.

I plan to speak with him concerning casual sex in the near future. Just because he has sex with someone doesn’t mean he has to marry them. That is the ideal place for sex to blossom; in a relationship with his soul mate, but not to rush into anything on sex’s account.

If it isn’t apparent by the intent I have already spelled out…I am a bit naive about the ‘right way’ to talk about this, because my parent’s method wasn’t comfortable or helpful at all.

Secretly (until this moment), to me the youth of a person when they first have sex is an indication of how healthy a relationship with their parents is, so I use that theory as leverage to be the best parent I can be.

wilma's avatar

@noraasnave Secretly (until this moment), to me the youth of a person when they first have sex is an indication of how healthy a relationship with their parents is, so I use that theory as leverage to be the best parent I can be.
Can you explain that further? I’m not sure I get what you mean.

noraasnave's avatar

@wilma I was saying that I this is a theory that I have never announced to the world before. I know it is true in my case. I had and still have a lot of issues to work through. I believe that this is directly related to how broken my relationship with my parents was and continues to be.

I am happy, healthy, and mostly well adjusted to life and chasing my dreams at this point, but 38, to me, seems late in life to just be starting this journey.

Am I now making sense?

wilma's avatar

@noraasnave I think I understand, but when you said “the youth of a person when they first have sex is an indication of how healthy a relationship with their parents is,”
Did you mean that you think the age of a person when they start having sex is an indication of a good or bad relationship with their parents? and would older mean a better relationship? and younger worse? Or the other way around?

I really don’t think that 38 is all that late to be making that journey. I am still making that journey and I’m a lot older than you are. By that I mean, we are always changing and learning.
I’m glad that you are happy with your life.

noraasnave's avatar

Hmmm. I see the confusing wording. substitute “age” for “youth” and I think it straightens it out. I was drinking a bit ago. I can see that it impaired my choice of words considerably.

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