Social Question

Shippy's avatar

Can some people only love over the net?

Asked by Shippy (9852 points ) April 3rd, 2012

Eight years ago I met a person on the net, and we became great mates At the time I had a very good career, great home, great car you know all the signs of being successful. He however lived at home with his parents. He was 25 then. He was a much closed person and did not socialize with others on the sites we visited. However with me he was fine after time, chatty, funny and a great listener.

I only saw him as a guy I chatted to on the net. But as time went on, things happened; we consoled each other over deaths, heartaches and other things. We grew so very close. We moved from site to site chat room to chat room as well as chatting daily on Yahoo. Finally we fell in love.

Fast forward some six years, I started to get “ill” and fell into a deep depression. Slowly but surely I lost all my savings etc. trying to survive
I am a British subject by birth and he resides in the UK. When I became ill, he said he would try to get me over there, as I can attain benefits. You must understand that, I could not even go to the shop to buy food, dress myself, bath or do any routine chores. So was really counting on him.
He always wanted to come here to “fetch” me. He also tells me daily how much he loves me; however, here is the issue.

He does not work, and is still living with his parents. He is now, 33.he suffers from social phobias. Which I imagine is very difficult. That s about the only phobia I do not have! Over the last couple of months he started a small business and sends through a few pounds very little as he earns very little, to assist. I still have no positive word from the UK he says he has been dealing with then regularly to help get me over there for the benefits. Somehow I feel like I am in a circle with him that goes no where, we have the same argument daily, I say get a job? Come over here, go to therapy but it never happens. Am I wasting my time? He shows such love, compassion caring and understanding to me as a person but all on the net. Does that mean he cannot have real life relationships? As he has never had one. I really would love some insight into this dilemma as I am much older than him, plus am counting on him.

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12 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

There are no rules and no generalizations that can be made about internet relationships. You have to look at the person, not the means of communication. I have heard of many other people in an internet relationship who didn’t come through. They never got their act together. I’ve also heard of others who did extraordinary things for their lovers, and they ended up together in real life.

My sense is you have to look at your person individually. Look at his pattern of behavior. He is 33 and still lives at home. He has severe social phobias. He can’t leave his parents. He doesn’t have a job.

If you were hiring someone to come rescue you, are these the qualifications you would want in your savior? If not, is there anything that shows you this person will overcome these tendencies and turn out to be a good savior?

Based on what you have written here, I would say you should not expect to see this person in person any time soon. You should not expect material help from them. Emotional support—yes. But not material support.

I would work to lower your expectations about this person. He does love you, but his capabilities are what they are, and they may not allow him to do the things you hope for. Be realistic about what he can provide you. Try not to hope for things that are not likely. Love him for who he is, not for who you wish he could be.

marinelife's avatar

If it was a real relationship, he would be acting on it. you are wasting your time arguing with him.

Your relationship is not real.

Trillian's avatar

I question your definition of the word “love”. I see nothing here to indicate it.

Akua's avatar

People DO find love over the internet (I’m an example) but it has to be some “show” to his “tell”. When I needed help, my internet love drove 150 miles to get my daughter and I, gave us a place to stay and then risked his safety to get my possessions that were being held hostage. I’m not saying you should give up on him because he is dealing with a lot more emotionally but maybe he is afraid. Tell him that you don’t think his concern and love in genuine because he has failed to act on them. See what he says and if he still doesn’t make a move then leave him alone.

Shippy's avatar

@trillian I hear you but I see his constant commitment to talking through issues I am having if I am having a bad day. We miss each other and cannot miss a day of not talking. He watches me sleep on cam. Maybe though I missed the point of your answer, if so I’d like to know as yes it is confusing.

janbb's avatar

@Shippy It sounds like he truly does love you but that has very real problems dealing with life. I think you can count on him for emotional support but he is not likely to rescue you. If you have UK citizenship, is there not a way you can get yourself over there without him? In any case, I think you have to learn to accept the limitations of the love that he is able to offer you. Onlt you can decide if that is enough for you.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Have the two of you ever met in person? How sure are you of his current situation (living with his parents)? I really hate to say this, but 6 years of talking with never meeting (if you haven’t met) seems like a long time to me and I can’t help but wonder if there is more going on that what you’ve said so far. I’m also curious as to why you aren’t trying to do more with getting over there. I mean, can’t you make calls or do research to find what you need to do to move? I can understand if you physically need help to move, but it sounds like you are just waiting for him.

What would he do or say if you said you got it all straightened out and had a flight booked for next month? Would he be excited and welcome you with open arms or would it be a problem? To me, this would explain a lot about if he’s really ready to take this off line and move it to real life. He might not be comfortable with a real life relationship, but if you want something in real life and he doesn’t, then it’s time to be honest with each other and not keep waiting for it to happen.

Shippy's avatar

@Seaofclouds When he started to apply for this benefit situation, at that stage I had literally stopped bathing and was almost imobile, catatonic. Prior to that, I had, had some dealings with UK Benefits regards my parents and their needs, several emails, registered letters and phone calls met dead ends, so he being next door to their offices was easier.

He is not married as for (eight years not six) we have been on camera, everyday, I see his bedroom and his parents wondering about. The part that does puzzle me is , he is not around during the day, which I have always found a bit strange, he says he does not work. But on occassion he is. He doesnt work because he has social phobias, he says. I canlt do this alone, I have been a giant in my lifetime, I looked after many people, financially, emotionally this time I just cant. So I have given up. Whenever I tell him its over because he cannot love me in a way I want, he will refute it and argue and convince me, so its a circle.

janbb's avatar

But it does not sound like he can meet any of your practical needs, even if he can be of emotional support, so while you can love each other, I think you have to find another way out of your depression. I mean this with great understanding and empathy; I have looked for support in all the wrong places too in recent years.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@Shippy Obviously his convincing you is only temporary if you are here asking this. It’s very obvious that he is not meeting a need you have and that need is for the relationship to be taken off the computer and into real life. Relationships can grow and develop online, but the whole point of them is to eventually get off the computer. I know it’s hard to stick by your guns, but why continue to settle for something/someone that cannot meet your needs. It’s been eight years of talking online and you’ve never met in person. I’m sorry, but that does sound like a big issue in my opinion. There’s nothing wrong with being friends, but I honestly think you will be waiting a long time for it to finally be offline. How long are you willing to wait? What if it never happens?

You never did answer my question about what he would do/say if you told him you had everything taken care of and you were going to be there next month. How do you think that would go over?

Shippy's avatar

@Seaofclouds well a funny thing happened over the last few days.Well since yesterday. Someone I know, has been to the benefits office, he did so within hours. He said he will report back fully after his second appointment. He also knows an MP which maybe useful. So my guy listened to all this, in silence. I feel somehow because we talk in circles this could could break this pattern in some way. So I am yet to see how it plays out. So I might have to test him I think to get past this in terms of saying, its a done deal, which it pretty much is. I will report back.

janbb's avatar

@Shippy That was a little unclear, but it sounds positive.

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