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Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Can you help me with this relationship issue I have?

Asked by Vincent_Lloyd (2954 points ) April 7th, 2012

Within these past several months, I’ve done something I regret, and I need advice, and I seek immediate help. The story is basically I cheated, I’ve done wrong and I will admit to it, since I’m not running from the wrong I’ve done. The reason for me doing what I did is because I’ve had a very…Intricate internal conflict. With being in love with 2 and wanting both…But I was with one already. I’ve made the horrible road…And I knew I shouldn’t have taken the one I made. That’s just what’s happened somewhat in a nut shell I guess. Say what you want I’m a horrible person i know, don’t remind me. But at the moment, trust. HUGE issue and I need to find a way to gain it back. Along with that forgiveness. So… The main question is…How can I achieve this? I’ve already told her I’ve done wrong, and I admit to it. And that I’m deeply sorry from the bottom of the so called heart I have. I’ve told her honest things, she’s said she forgive me but I knew she really didn’t. I understand this is a hard thing to get over…But also another thing is too forgiveness is what she needs before we can get past anything..Right? I just need help on this whole situation, and I really need someone with a good over view of what I can do..And I’d really rather talk privately about it…It’s a deed I’m not proud of…But It’s my mistake I need to fix what I’ve done. But I know I’ve definitely learned from it. Never again will it happen.

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10 Answers

Judi's avatar

Time will tell. There is nothing more you can do at this point. Just be as kind and humble as possible.
It may be that this is an egg that can’t be unscrambled.
She needs time to process this information and decide if she can really live with it. All you can do is respect her feelings and her decisions.
I would think that she WANTS to forgive you and has said the words, but internalizing that is much harder and might be impossible for her. You’ve done your part. You left a pile of crap at her feet and she has to decide if she wants to wade through it or turn around and walk away.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Trust, once broken, is very difficult to repair. This will take lots of time and lots of proving yourself again. Good luck!

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marinelife's avatar

1. You should not have told her. You were looking to make yourself feel better about what you did. Now you have placed the burden on her,

2. Broken trust can be gotten back, but it takes time and willingness.

3. Stop looking for her to forgive you on a timetable. She will trust you again when she can, but she may never forgive the betrayal.

4. All that you can do to regain her trust is to be open and trustworthy. Reassure her (if she needs it or ask for it) that you have leaned your lesson and will not cheat again. Don’t give her any reason to doubt you.

5. Be thankful every day that she is giving you another chance. You took the chance to decide if she would want you if you wanted someone else away from her,

BosM's avatar

Trust is often initially given, until it’s broken and then needs to be earned, again.

There is no easy answer here. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. This takes time and is evidenced more by what you do than what you say.

It sounds like you’ve done some soul searching and need to realize that doing a bad thing, and being a bad person are two different things. So, stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself, get to the root of why you did this, and try to fix that. Therapy can often help, either a person or a couple. Good luck to you both. Peace, BosM

gailcalled's avatar

For a, what, 15 years old, you have had a very complicated emotional life for as long as you have been on fluther.

Do I remember you asking about similar issues in the past? I did just check back on your Q and A’s and I still wonder about your parents and the availability of school counselors and professional therapists as @BosM so wisely suggests.

You do seem to be examining these issues but continuing to go around in emotional circles.

gailcalled's avatar

edit; 15-year-old.

Coloma's avatar

Well, being so young and making this mistake is forgivable, but often not forgettable.
Better you learn this lesson now as a young person than at 40 or 50 in a marriage or LTR.
Bottom line, most cases of cheating take YEARS to resolve, or, to dissolve the relationship. I doubt being so young you’ll be dealing with the fallout for years as you might if you were older and in a longterm relationship.

All you can do is keep expressing your regret, and yes, only time will tell.
The best hope you have is to be able to continue showing sincere remorse for your behavior and being patient with your girl friend. Good luck, and really, while it may not feel like it to you right now, really, it’s a blessing in disguise to have this experience sooner rather than later when maybe an entire family is at stake.
Forgive yourself for your error and take this lesson to heart in future relationships.

letmeknow17's avatar

don’t rush the forgiveness process and just understand people make mistakes.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

@letmeknow17 yeah I understand that forgiveness always takes time and same with trust since time is the only way to really gain it back, bit by bit.

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