How can I overcome my fear of abandonment now that my biggest fear has come true?
I apologize ahead of time for the length of this story but I feel its necessary to give as many details as possible so that you may understand better and hopefully help come up with a solution.
I have always had a huge fear of my significant other one day leaving me and never coming back. From when I was young and just starting to date I had control issues with boyfriends. I always needed to make sure I knew where they were, who they were with, be positive they were going to keep in contact, etc. If they didn’t and there was a moment that I was unsure of their whereabouts, I would lose my mind. I’d panic. I’d cry. But the moment they would call, or come over, a rush of relief would pass through me. If you’ve never experienced this or can’t relate, compare it to this…imagine if there was a chance your loved one could have been involved in a plane crash that you heard about on the news. You aren’t sure if it’s their flight for sure but they won’t answer their cell and you have no way of finding out until they either call you, or they don’t, which would mean the worst is true. But it’s a waiting game until then. That is how I feel.
This could stem from a number of events in my life. Could be due to the fact that my father was never around for me and would promise to come pick me up and then never would. Or would promise to call and never would. It could also stem from my very first official boyfriend. We dated for 9 months before I decided to give him my virginity. The very next day, he disappeared. He moved out of state with his mom and I never heard from him again. It was crushing. And I was completely out of control of the situation. It seems like ever since then, I have had a terrible fear of abandonment.
Well, my worst fear is coming true right now. My boyfriend, who is the father of my 6 month of son is gone. I dropped him off at a friends house last week and he never returned. I know he’s alive. I have talked to him in texts and I actually seen him yesterday. But he won’t come home yet and I’m not sure he ever will. This was completely out of the blue. I’m not sure what exactly he’s going through but I believe he panicked and ran away from his problems. We have been struggling financially. He just started a new job but discovered it was significantly less money and we would never make our bills. Instead of figuring out a solution together or voicing his concerns to me, he ran and hid. Leaving me and our son to fend for ourselves. My loving, free spirited, caring father to our son, has turned into the total opposite. And needless to say, I am not dealing well at all. I’m ashamed that I was blinded. I’m embarrassed to tell my family (other than my mom) because I feel like a failure. And besides being humiliated, I can’t function in my daily life. I wake up with a terrible feeling in my gut. I go to bed crying. During the day I’m a zombie, when I’m not in a total panic. My heart hasn’t stopped skipping beats yet. Everytime my phone goes off I almost die. I keep thinking he’ll walk through the door and everything will be normal again. But if that doesn’t happen, what happens to me? How do I go on with life? It’s unimaginable right now. All I can think about is how to get him home. How to change his way of thinking and make him realize that no matter how tough things get, we have to stick together.
Yes, this would be a tragedy to any normal person with a baby at home. But for me, it feels beyond tragic. It feels like I’m dying more and more inside every minute he’s not here. To go from being with your best friend, the love of your life almost every waking minute of the day, to not seeing or speaking to them for over a week is something I haven’t learned how to deal with yet. My home feels empty, my bed feels empty, and my heart feels empty. How can I be ok again? Not great, not happy, but just ok. Is there anything I can do to help keep my mind off of this terrible situation? I hide it enough from the outside world because I don’t want anyone to see me that low. I don’t want my son to see mommy upset and wonder why. But inside, I’m a disaster and I fear that eventually I will break down. Any advice?
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