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chelle21689's avatar

Is it likely he loves me but just hasn't said it after 9 months?

Asked by chelle21689 (5086 points ) April 26th, 2012

We’ve been officially dating for 9 months. I can say judging by his actions that it seems he loves me but he hasn’t said it. He treats me great, talks to me as if I’m the best, we are compatible, we have good times, we bring out the good in each other.
Make fun of me or call me a traditional, but I hate making the first moves. He already knows and I told him that I hate making first moves and that I’m traditional about that type of stuff. Example: I won’t ask a guy to be my bf, I won’t propose, I won’t be the first to say I love you.

That’s just how I am and he knows it. I don’t hear him say it to his family much…rarely but he’s very close to them. It’s like my family, we don’t say it much. There’s been times I really wanted to say it but I want him to say it first. I know it sounds childish so don’t lecture me on that lol.

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27 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

What else is there to say besides it being kind of childish? What are those 3 words going to do for your relationshp that isn’t already there? Do you want it said to make you feel better or something?

Sunny2's avatar

With both of you coming from verbally undemonstrative families, there’s little hope it will change unless one of you breaks the tradition. Looks like it’s up to you to be more assertive if you want to hear those 3 little words more often.

bkcunningham's avatar

I never let a moment pass to tell someone I love how I feel about them. You may never get another chance. He may have the same feelings you have and he’s afraid of being rejected since you haven’t told him how you feel.

yankeetooter's avatar

I too am traditional, and like the guy to make the first move. I can’t ever imagine proposing to a guy, although I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with it.

But, and here’s the thing, expressing your feelings for someone…that is not just a male or female thing. In fact, in general, women probably have an easier time with that type of thing, whereas, in general, men show their feelings through their actions.

I get the traditional thing, but don’t let something really good pass you by because you can’t tell the guy you love him…

nikipedia's avatar

If this is important to you then you need to just talk to him. You don’t have to “make the first move,” but instead have a conversation about how you and he are feeling about the relationship and how it’s progressing.

sinscriven's avatar

Fortune favors the bold.
If you’re not willing to take a risk, then you aren’t entitled to receive the reward.

This whole “traditional” view is ridiculous. Just say you love him now. He might be dead tomorrow and you’ll kick yourself for not doing it because you let your stubborn ego get in the way.

john65pennington's avatar

For some people, saying I Love You is as challenging as walking into a bank and saying, okay this is an armed robbery!

By your statement above, to me he has shown how he feels about you, by the actions he has taken with you. Some people just cannot say those words. Its like, “if I say those words to her, I will be taken out of the water….hook, line and sinker. I am hooked on her and now she knows it”.

To me, it really does not matter which person says those three words first. You gotta say what you feel and let the emotions fly.

I know a man that has never told his wife that he loved her. They have been married for many years. It’s just a charater flaw that some men have and its mainly derived from one or both of their parents.

If this bothers you so much, then why don’t you break the ice and tell him I Love You. The immediate response from him should be, “I Love You, too”. If not, that should be a red flag to you that all is not well in your relationship.

Be a brave person and take the first step.

JustPlainBarb's avatar

If you love the guy, tell him. But make sure it’s love before you do. People say they love someone too soon and for the wrong reasons .. that could be part of the reason no one is saying it yet.

But if you’re sure you’re in love, waiting for him to say it first and/or vice versa is just ridiculous. I have a feeling you both might be too immature for a meaningful relationship if that’s the case. Believe me, if you’re in love now and can’t say it… it’s not going to get better as time goes by. It should be easier now than ever since it’s so fresh and new.

I would suggest just seeing what happens before committing to anything. Hopefully, if and when it is the right time, you’ll both be inspired to be honest about it.

the100thmonkey's avatar

He might look the wrong way crossing the road tomorrow and get hit by a car.

How would you feel if you hadn’t told him how you feel?

Rules are made to be broken.

marinelife's avatar

Nine months is still early to say I love you. Just don’t put pressure on him or pressure on yourself. You said that you are enjoying the relationship so let it play out in its own time. Sit back, relay and enjoy a new and wonderful relationship.

CWOTUS's avatar

For all the failings that my wife and I have had in our long and now-suspended relationship, this is one that I absolutely have to give her full credit and high praise for. She always told me (and she was the first of us to say), “I love you.” And she taught me to say it, not because she extorted it out of me with tears, the silent treatment or burned dinners, but because it was how I felt and because saying it made us both feel better.

Now I can say it to my kids or anyone else at any time and it doesn’t feel weird, unmanly, weak or in any way wrong. It’s who I am and how I feel, and the times that I’ve said it and the feelings haven’t been reciprocated (or stated), I know it’s not my failing.

Just because “you’ve always been” a certain way is no reason for you to “always be” that way, especially if being that way interferes with the life that you’d like to have.

Coloma's avatar

Are you sexually involved?

If not, then perhaps he either does not feel he loves you, is unsure or just not comfortable with saying the words.
IF you’ve been sexually involved for months and he has not said it, well….not a good sign. lol

gorillapaws's avatar

I really don’t think there’s anything more manly than stepping up to the plate and saying “I love you” to a woman you love—It takes a lot of guts. Likewise, I think it’s stupid to play games about “being traditional.” What the hell does that even mean anyways? As others have said, he could get struck by lightning tomorrow, and I know you’ll feel really damn shitty if you never got to tell him how you really feel about him because you valued “being traditional” over communicating with the person you love.

submariner's avatar

Maybe he hasn’t said it because he takes it more seriously than you do. What does “I love you” mean to you? Does it mean, “I want to be your life-partner, grow old with you, raise children with you, and I’ll never be happy unless I know that you are happy too”, or does it just mean, “I feel all yummy and tingly when I’m around you”? Or does it mean nothing at all, but is just a shibboleth that you use to see who has the upper hand in a relationship, hence your unwillingness to say it first? Or is it just a ritual greeting? “How are you?”—“Fine.”—“I love you.” —“I love you too.”

Reflect sufficiently upon love, language, meaning, and action, and on how these four phenomena are related, and a solution to your problem will become manifest.

letmeknow17's avatar

I think it’s likely if he doesn’t say it to his own family much.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Stating “I love you” can be a big deal to some people. Isn’t it more important that he say so by his actions rather than the words? Sure, he could do both, but it sounds as if saying, “I love you” is not comfortable for him. Or maybe he is waiting until he is absolutely sure. A nine-month old relationship may seem long to you, but in the big picture, it isn’t.

If the feeling of having to wait for him to say those three little words first is important to you, then just patiently wait for it to happen. If you decide to take the leap and say it first, what is the worst thing that can happen? Let’s say that he doesn’t reciprocate the sentiment. It just means that he is either not ready to make such a claim or has some aversion to saying it out loud. On the surface, a response of “I want to break up” might sound like the worst-case scenario, but I’d rather know this nine months into the relationship than further down the road.

chelle21689's avatar

It’d just be nice to hear those words. I wouldn’t expect to hear it all the time but just to finally hear it ya know? and NO it’s not tingling blah blah blah feelings. Those were long gone. Well, sometimes I get the warm moments but not as much as before.

deni's avatar

This may not be the answer you want but if you’re bursting at the seams to tell him this, just tell him! He probably feels the same way! You’re both getting all bottled up and frustrated and there’s no need. Yes, it’s a HUGE deal. 2 outcomes: You say I love you, he says I love you back, you feel so satisfied and are super happy. Other outcome: You say I love you, he says “sorry, I don’t…..” and that’s about it. And do you really think the latter is gonna happen? Yes, it’s likely he loves you. If it’s a big deal for you to hear it, just man up and say it first. Good luck, my last relationship I remember when I wanted to tell him I loved him and I JUST COULDN’T. I was so scared. When I finally did it I literally smiled for 2 weeks straight.

chelle21689's avatar

Since we’re on the topic of love… do you guys think its bad if you don’t say “I love you” to family? I feel bad that I don’t say it to my family but we’re the type to not say it really. I know they love me and I hope they know I love them through actions and what we do for each other despite common arguments between child and parent.

bkcunningham's avatar

I wouldn’t consider that good or bad. My husband’s family doesn’t hug or say, “I love you” very often. It just isn’t part of their nature. I think they are like you, @chelle21689. They have very strong family ties and love is just a given, not something that has to be said over and over again.

LostInParadise's avatar

Actions speak louder than words. If he is sensitive to your needs, offers encouragement and brings out the best in you, that is much more important than coming out and saying that he loves you. Has he said how good it makes him feel to be with you? Did he take you out for your birthday? Does he buy you thoughtful gifts? The phrase I love you may be one of the most universally abused. There are so many people who say it without meaning it. I would wait a little longer, until you have been together for a year, one full cycle of the calendar. I think that for many people that triggers a certain response.

rachet's avatar

If you whant him to say it first – be patient

Leanne1986's avatar

It took my boyfriend three years to tell me he loved me but I always had an inkling and his actions told me he cared very deeply for me even if he was having a hard time actually saying it. I never questioned him about it, he told me when he was ready and it was the best feeling in the world for me when I finally heard it. He tells me all the time now! If your boyfriend treats you well (and it sounds like he does) then I wouldn’t push for anything more just yet.

Don’t forget, just because he knows that you are traditional and won’t say “I love you” first, does not make it any easier for him to say it first. Also, I don’t mean this to be a lecture but “tradition” is a really lame excuse for not telling someone you love them if that’s really how you feel. You never know when the chance to tell someone you love them will be gone and that would feel worse than breaking a “tradition”.

deni's avatar

if it’s just how your family is then whatever works for you guys. I hope you at least write it in cards or emails or say it SOMEHOW even if it’s not actually spoken out loud, though.

Sunny2's avatar

You might try saying, “I know you care for me and I care for you, but I’m beginning to think I may be falling in love with you. Do you ever feel like that?” If you think it might scare him off, don’t say it. Your relationship sounds just right for this time in your life. You want to keep it as long as possible. There’s no rush.

Paradox25's avatar

Many guys aren’t traditional, and I don’t think it is fair to hold him (or any other guy) to such a standard. If being ‘traditional’ is more important to you than his feelings or the relationship itself then I would seriously evaluate why you are really with him in the first place.

It seems like he cares about you but on such limited info it is hard to say here. Guys have feelings too, so maybe try understanding him and his feelings a little better and maybe you will get a more favorable response.

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