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ETpro's avatar

[NSFW] If you could write and direct your own porn movie, what would it be like?

Asked by ETpro (34232 points ) April 27th, 2012

TGIF time. It’s not through any prudishness, but I find most porn more of a turn-off than turn-on. It’s so coarse and loveless—so utterly unlike any real lovemaking. It’s formulaic. You can expect the performers to go through a series of extremely contrived, impossibly uncomfortable positions, just stopping the action and switching every few minutes to expose some other body part to the camera for an extreme close-up view. And after relentlessly pounding away for the whole 60 to 90 minutes the video runs, there is invariably a jump cut with the guy suddenly out of whatever hole he was last pummeling. Suddenly freed, he’s jacking himself off on his lady-love’s face, fanny or tits while she moans and groans as if she magically orgasms thanks to being sprayed with spooge.

From time to time I get so randy that I forget how much I detest typical porn, I am drawn in perhaps by the attractiveness of the performer/s and blam; I’m hit in the face once more with how ludicrous the action gets after the opening scenes.

Let’s say you have a fully equipped studio and actors of your choosing supplied to you. If you could write and direct your own sex movie/s, what would you create? What sort of actors would you select? What story line would you explore?

Sweet dreams this weekend, all you naughty Jellies. :-)

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36 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

It would definitely happen outdoors. It would have to do with strangers meeting and going crazy for each other. I’m afraid I would have some back story that would make it somehow plausible they meet, take an incredible attraction to each other, and end up doing the dirty in the middle of the great outdoors.

I think I might have several couples, and I think I’d get kind of absurdist. Like imagine it happening in sacred spaces, like on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial, or among the fans at Yankee stadium, or at a Madonna concert (or would that be redundant). On top of Half-Dome at Yosemite, too.

Or maybe on a roller coaster that goes past the loading place without stopping. A different couple each time. And Parachute sex. Definitely!

ragingloli's avatar

Guy gets cursed by a witch, transforms into a tentacle monster and then goes down on his sister, followed by some soft vore.

ucme's avatar

A Right Royal Gang Bang
The clue’s in the title.

Coloma's avatar

Oh easy, forget people, it’s all been done, boring and repetitive.
The world needs more animal porn. I’d film my loose goose and his sexual obsession with the garden hose and his nozzle masturbation techniques which are quite amusing.
He also likes to have sex with cats, if he can catch them. lol

His other fetish is humping a giant red silk floor pillow in my living room and I am determined to catch him on film for a youtube video one of these days. I already have a title picked out ” The big red sex pillow.” He’s star quality no doubt and can also do tricks.

Look out world Marwyn the sexy goose could be the next rising star. lol

Blackberry's avatar

I help a struggling MILF with her groceries to her door, and she tips me inside. Or should I say, I tip her…........

rebbel's avatar

Mine would be a ‘reality’ porn movie, with average-to-above average looking actors.
It has nine scenes of about five minutes.
First scene is of a couple that is ready for some playing.
We see the guy hanging on the couch, watching football (that’s soccer), eating some nuts, drinking a can of beer.
Meanwhile, the girl is showering.
He opens another can.
She comes out of the bath(room), wearing a plain bra and panties, heading to the living.
He doesn’t look up when she enters the room; Barcelona is just about to take a free kick.
Now she starts dancing, daring in front of the television.
Taking off her knickers, she almost trips over her own feet.
Guy prevents her from falling, grabs her, and put her down next to him.
Barcelona missed.
Suddenly he is excited.
We are now at 4 minutes.
He tries to unlock her bra…......
Instead she does it herself.
He is hard now.
4.50 min.
“No foreplay this time” he thinks to himself, and he is ready to penetrate,
The doorbell rings.
He is flaccid now.

SuperMouse's avatar

@Coloma I am pretty sure my people porn has never been done! It would be dirty, dirty, dirty… quad porn! We figure we can do a service for everyone living with a spinal cord injury with our pornography, make some art, and have a great time in the process!

SomeoneElse's avatar

@rebbel Question: Who will answer the door? Who will have the TV remote? This is a cliff-hanger here . . .

woodcutter's avatar

Space sex, call it “Zero G…Spot”

amujinx's avatar

Mine would have to be something like a Mulholland Drive type mind-fuck movie. Why just show fucking when you can fuck minds at the same time?

tom_g's avatar

Scene opens on an attractive couple sitting on a couch in silence. After five minutes, it cuts to a 90-minute loop of this.

The End.

Nimis's avatar

Flash mob porn in the middle of classical concert at Carnegie Hall.

Orchestra crescendo.

poisonedantidote's avatar

[ The screen starts off black as the movie title fades in to the middle of the screen. ]

Acerbus ” – (In a rainbow color font)

[ The screen fades to black and then the first scene fades in ]

The audience see a close up of a womans eyes, she looks scared and you can hear distorted heavy metal music playing in the background.

As the camera pans out you can see that she is tied up with a gag in her mouth.

As the camera pans out even further you can see that she is tied up to a piece of wood that looks like some kind of crucifix in some sort of dungeon. The dungeon floor is covered in myst and is illuminated by a strobe light and faint candles.

She struggles to get away but it is no use, the ropes are too tight and she is running out of energy to keep trying to get loose.

Suddenly the music stops, and she stops struggling to get loose as she wonders what is going on.

A large door can be heard opening and slammed shut, as some whispering voices can be heard coming closer. The woman now looks like she is in shock from what she is seeing.

The camera turns round to reveal what the woman can see. Four body builder clowns in brown mankinis, with blood covered sharp teeth and Nazi/swastika arm bands.

A particularly dumb looking clown with a large forehead pulls out a violin and starts playing it poorly. The woman again begins to panic and tries to get loose.

The largest of the clowns pulls out a gun and shoots the dumb looking clown in the head, causing his large lifeless body to fall to the floor. The large clown then says in a rough demonic voice: “Stop your damned noise Terry, can’t you see, you are upsetting our guest. There is no need to be rude, I’m sure she will cooperate.”

The smallest clown jumps forwards, clutching the largest clowns arm and says in a high pitched voice: “can we kill her boss? hu? hu? can we?” The large clown then replies “Shut up Squibbs, we still have to have our fun yet”.

The big clown now known as “boss” steps towards the woman, and starts feeling in between her legs, he whispers in her ear: “I’m going to take the gag out of your mouth now, I don’t like to be rude, but if you make any noise we will skin you alive. Do you understand?”.

The woman nods her head in agreement as she starts to calm down a little, “Very well then” says the boss, and he removes her gag from her mouth.

The woman asks the boss “what do you want? please don’t kill me”. This causes the boss to start laughing.

The large clown known as the boss asks the woman if she wants to live, and she says yes. He then responds: “very well then, you can live, but first you have to do something for us” the woman says “yes, anything, I’ll do anything you want just please don’t kill me”.

The clown then says: “fine, if you want to live, all you have to do is blow me, then you blow squibbs and bobby, as for terry you can skip him, seeing as he is now dead. I never liked his violin playing anyway. Do we have a deal?”.

The woman agrees, so the large clown aims the gun at her and says: “If you try anything funny I’ll shoot you, us clowns do all the funny stuff, not you. Squibbs, untie her!”.

Squibbs unties her and walks back besides the boss, rubbing his hands and laughing.

The boss then says to the woman: “well, what are you waiting for, it’s not going to blow its self”. and takes a couple steps forwards before whipping out his pale white clown cock with a bright red head with a smilie face painted on it.

The woman begins blowing the boss, when suddenly she bites down, ripping off his cock and grabbing the gun off of him. “GET BACK!” she yells at the clowns, as she orders them to not do anything, the boss rolls around on the floor in agony as he bleeds out from a hole where his dick used to be.

The woman then orders Squibbs and Bobby to hog tie the boss. They both do as they are told, then the woman shoots both Bobby and Squibbs dead.

The woman turns to the boss who is in agony bleeding out in a pool of his own blood, and says to him: “well well, looks like ‘tis rule of the roost”

The woman walks towards the boss, and starts anally penetrating him with his own severed cock, the boss howls in agony.

She then walks over to the corpse of the dumb looking clown and drags him over to the now hog tied boss. “Blow him!” she shouts, and the boss begins to blow his corpse.

The woman begins to look sad, and orderes the boss to stop blowing the corpse. She crouches down with tears in her eyes and starts stroking the bosses rainbow color hair.

She stands up, rushes over to one of the tool racks and takes a knife and cuts the boss loose, she throws the gun to the side, and crouches down next to the boss. “son, can you ever forgive me?” she says. The boss replies “yes mother, I forgive you” .

The both hug and kiss.

[ The screen fades to black, and the credits roll ]

Bellatrix's avatar

Outdoors in the rain and I suspect it would end up being a comedy.

linguaphile's avatar

@Bellatrix I second your locale and weather conditions, but I raise you one—add “on a mountain ledge.”

ddude1116's avatar

I’d make arthouse porn. It’d chronicle the events of a first date between this new couple who hit it off well: The opening shot would be them getting off a train and walking to a restaurant, arm-in-arm, excited for this date, and then it would go into a montage of events, summarizing the date, with a voiceover of bits of their conversation, describing their characters. Then, they’re at her door, he walked her home, and they kiss a bit apprehensively at the door, she opens it and pulls him inside by the arm. He sits on the couch and she gets wine and glasses. She begins to pour when he goes to her and kisses her, apprehensive at first, but then senses her feedback, and it finds its own rhythm. After that they have sex, but it’s sensual and passionate, focusing more on the actual enjoyment of it, rather than the mechanical action of it. Focusing on things like, how he helps her get undressed, how he softly kisses her stomach or her elbow or whatever, how she gently plays with his chest hair. I don’t know. But sensual-like. I’d like it to show how sex is more than just sex.

Trillian's avatar

Hey! What happened to hungry guy? I haven’t heard about a woman trapped in a box with her head sticking out and a cock rammed down her throat while she pees on herself in… forever.
I can’t. What @Bellatrix said, only in Minnesota in February. While wearing snowshoes.

Symbeline's avatar

lmao, ’‘spooge’’

But I denno. Unless it’s mainstream porn like you’re talking about, or amateur porn, if I made a porn movie that didn’t use the elements those use, it would just be a movie with a lot of sex in it.

I’m thinking it would be funny to make a movie that makes fun of the everyday normal movie and their sex scenes. See like, take some action movie. Hero falls in love with the girl, and at one point, they have sex. They don’t show much, but you get the point. So I’d make an action or horror movie where not much action or horror is ever shown, only hints thereof in fact, like how sex is shown in traditional movies. So basically, I’d just gather all these people in a weak plot, (Béatrice Dalle for one) and they’d be fucking. Hmm. I missed the whole point didn’t I.
Or maybe I’d make some Goth porn film, where Dracula and his succubi have a double date with John and Mina; and Lucy.

And yeah, what @Trillian said. We need HungryGuy in here. I’d star in whatever movie he’d make

Bellatrix's avatar

I like the addition of a mountain ledge and snow shoes…. sexy. I was thinking of a BBQ table under a tree though… in a forest.

ETpro's avatar

@wundayatta Yes, the great outdoors. If you join the mile-high club by doing the nasty dance soped up in a tiny airliner restroom at above 5,280 ft., what do we call it when you get laid above a mile high and sky diving? Is it an off-chute of muff diving?

@ragingloli Like Hentai [Very NSFW] do you?

@ucme Kate Middleton fan or just want to see her get her cum-uppance?

@Coloma I can’t wait to catch Marwyn the porn goose, cuming to nearby theaters soon.

@Blackberry Good one. Being a nice guy finally wins a reward.

@rebbel About like reality TV, I already have enough of that sort of reality around. :-)

@SuperMouse Now that I’d like to watch. No spinal cord injury, but I can pretend.

@SomeoneElse Just guessing here, but those are probably the details that change in pushing the script up to 9 5-minute scenes.

@woodcutter There is one position that I find massively attractive at an intellectual level but awkward as a cow on roller skates in reality. That’s going 69. But in Zero G, it would be a floating delight. Sign me up for the casting call.

@amujinx That is a fascinating concept. A film I would definitely want to watch.

@tom_g Ha! That gets the point across with no need for unseemly details. :-)

@Nimis Great concept! Pan to reaction shots among the more snooty members of the audience.

@poisonedantidote That’s vivid enough. What an imagination. But darned if that doesn’t make ordinary porn seem more palatable.

@Bellatrix A BBQ in the rain? But any kind of wet works for me. :-)

@linguaphile Wow! Snow boot sex on a rainy mountain ledge—with BBQ. Cool—downright cold.

@ddude1116 Now you’re talking. That would be hot to watch.

@Trillian Maybe this is just to tame for @HungryGuy

@Symbeline I’ll have you know spooge is an actual word.

I love the turnabout idea. That’s all the plot a porn movie really needs. Just something to reasonably bring the leading characters together. Past that, it’s all about how they are together.

Symbeline's avatar

semi liquid gunk; lol

ETpro's avatar

@Symbeline You got it. The third meaning and that. We;re not talking sealants—thanks be for that.

linguaphile's avatar

The only erotica I’ve ever written involves no physical contact in the story… I wrote it on a dare. :D I would like to see something in film that does the same thing.

lillycoyote's avatar

I’m not going to go into the details, but my porno movie would definitely contain more romance and a lot fewer close-ups of the “old in and out,” whatever it is that is going in and out of whatever orifice, and a lot fewer close-up of engorged organs spewing their particular effluvia, whatever that effluvia might be… than your average, basic porno movie.

ETpro's avatar

@linguaphile That sounds interesting. If you could figure out how to pull that off and make it erotically interesting, you’d have a winning new genre that could get R or PG-13 ratings.

@lillycoyote Amen to all of that. Pulling out at the moment of truth is unconscionable. It’s a crime against nature.

lillycoyote's avatar

@ETpro And amen to your amen. While I may have managed to take alll the sex out of pornography with my comment, your question did allow me to use one of my favorite words “effluvia,” twice! I thank you for that, if nothing else.

ETpro's avatar

@lillycoyote My pleasure, though I usually associate the word with wastes from big city sewers and nasty industrial processes. :-)

lillycoyote's avatar

@ETpro That also should have been, again, without going into more details, not only more romance, but more foreplay, in addition to my distaste for ll those close-ups I mentioned.

ucme's avatar

@ETpro She’s a bonny lass, but it’d be lack humping a bag of bones.

ragingloli's avatar

@ETpro “Like Hentai [Very NSFW] do you?”

Oh [NSFW]absolutely

wildpotato's avatar

Music gets me hot more than visuals, so something gorgeous and sexy and dangerous set to Jimi or Grand Funk or Uriah Heep. Or Manson.

ETpro's avatar

@lillycoyote Ditto to that too.

@ucme Huh? Who is?

@ragingloli Wow! Wet too.

@wildpotato Music has to be a part of it. There are classical pieces that work, like Beethoven’s Eroica or his slowly building crescendo of exuberance in the 7th Symphony II. On an different track, there is the psychedelic music that dives us into all that’s wild edges of sex, like Time by Pink Floyd and Tangerine Dream’s Marrakesh. Or we could go to the perverted, deliciously dirty songs like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

ucme's avatar

@ETpro Err, the royal bitch you asked about up yonder, come on man, keep up.

ETpro's avatar

@ucme Well then, being English, speak English. WTF did you mean?

ucme's avatar

Oh dear, calm down old timer. I was speaking english, but I see you are easily confused & this being the case I shall move on, smiling as I go.

ETpro's avatar

@ucme No need for insults. Bye.

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