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3xscorp's avatar

How can I get a platonic male friend that only wants to email?

Asked by 3xscorp (54 points ) April 30th, 2012

I’m a single woman but I’m not looking for a relationship or to flirt online. I’m just looking for a male who can carry on a conversation and doesn’t mind if we never meet.

My story: When I was growing up, there were only boys in my neighborhood so all of my friends were guys and they treated me as just one of the guys. Then we grew older, they got girlfriends and I voluntarily stopped hanging out with them because of the vibes that I got from the girlfriends. I can understand. We’ve always kind of kept in touch but I kept it short – like just passing on information about a mutual friend or something – if they were in a relationship – my choice. A couple of decades later and most of them are married but they meet up once a month to shoot some pool and have dinner and they invite me. I still feel like I have to refuse because of a comment made by one of them about his wife being in a bad mood when she found out that I had been invited.

So I try to have platonic relationships with guys that I happen to meet and it starts out okay but after a while it always ends up that the guy doesn’t want to keep it that way. Now I feel that the only way that I’m going to be able to have a platonic relationship with a guy is long distance through email. I just don’t know how to go about doing that. Please don’t suggest Craigslist because the males posting under “strictly platonic” obviously don’t know what that word means. I have female friends but it’s not the same thing talking to a female. Maybe it’s because I grew up with boys that I just seem to relate to them better. So I was wondering if anyone had any knowledge about how to do this or what site to use.

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20 Answers

Roby's avatar

Put everything out on the table just like you did in here. You will not have a problem. I like platonic female email friends, and I am married. It is a lot of fun sharing pictures of family and information about home town etc. AOL chatt rooms is a good place to connect but be cautious… players in there. What age group are you interested in, or does that matter. I would be happy to be your email friend if you don’t mind chatting with an old retired man. LOL

Blackberry's avatar

Welcome to the internet.

marinelife's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I am a little nonplussed. I have many male friends. (I am married.) Some I am friends with on Facebook, but not their wives or girlfriends. Several I talk on the phone with. Some I am also friends with their wives, but am better friends with the guys.

I don’t see why you can’t go out with your friends or email them, especially if they invite you to. It sounds like your hang-up.

Also, what relationship status are you in? Do you have a partner? A romantic partner?

If you are seeking guys for platonic friendship, just put that out there.

This whole thing seems weird to me.

Thammuz's avatar

Make it clear from the beginning like you did here. Also look for somone who is geographically inconvenient and/or already in a successful relationship, make it harder for the whole thing to degenerate.

Also, make absolutely sure not to say one thing and do another. Many women don’t realize how easily they can be misinterpreted as flirtatious. My GF is like that, the queen of putting her foot in her mouth and involuntary double entendres, luckily i’ve been told by many people that she basically never shuts up about me, which balances it out, i guess.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@3xscorp Fluther has a great feature, the Private Messages, or PM’s for short. I like it better than e-mail.. Welcome to Fluther.

john65pennington's avatar

Adirondackwannabe is correct, concerning the PM feature of Fluther. It’s better to talk on the PM than someones email account. It keeps the suspicion going wondering where a person lives and what the heck they look like. Not too much personal info. And, keep it clean.

Welcome to Fluther. It’s a great, clean site to ask and answer your questions.

The Moderator Police are always on duty and checking you out. This is great as it keeps Fluther on its toes and I like that.

3xscorp's avatar

OK, I’m brand new here so I don’t know if this is how I respond to the comments or whether I’m supposed to send a direct message, etc. but @marinelife, I am single and it’s not my hang-up. I know it would be innocent and my guy friends know it too but their wives and/or girlfriends don’t like the idea and I cannot simply ignore their feelings which some of them have been pretty obvious about Some of my guy friends tell me that it’s ridiculous, we’ve known each other for so long and if their significant others can’t understand then too bad. But you know how most women would see that? As their husband or boyfriend caring more about my feelings than theirs. And that’s what causes problems. I care about my friends too much to bring unnecessary drama into their lives. I’ve already seen one question on this site where the woman is bothered that her boyfriend’s best friend is female.

It’s not like I don’t talk to them at all. It’s just that I can’t have the kind of deep and soul searching conversations that we all used to have for hours when they were single. Anyway, that’s why I’m seeking a guy to exchange emails with who is unattached and who resides far away enough from me that we won’t be meeting in person. That shouldn’t be too hard since I live in Hawaii but no one has suggested any good websites to me, which was the original point of my question. (Except for @Roby who suggested AOL.com which I haven’t looked at yet).

blueiiznh's avatar

I understand your quandry. I think this is also quite common an issue for both sides of the fence.
I think you can find this, but it may take awhile and with a fairly forward thinking confident person who knows and observes the limit and where the line is drawn.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Your plight is understandable. I’ve had close friends whose wives voiced suspicion about how platonic the relationship really was. It’s a shame, really. It’s put a damper on some successful friendships, and I really like their wives as well.

The SO (male) has two female pen-pals from a website we all used to belong to. One time, he asked me to respond to one of their messages for him, as he was really busy. I refused to do so, as I didn’t want her to think that I was worried about ulterior motives by either.

If you want to play it safe, look for some men who share your interests and are gay. They are much less likely to desire to change the relationship from platonic to romantic. In my experience, their partners, if they have one, have never voiced concern or jealousy about the friendship.

marinelife's avatar

@3xscorp OK, I hear you, but I still think that you should let the guys manage their relationships, and you should not worry about that.

Let me suggest that you introduce yourself to @HawaiiJake, a FLuther user who lives in Hawaai, who is very interested and active in theatre, who loves to read.

Best of luck finding email pals.

janbb's avatar

I seem to have an opposite problem; I have many male friends – several of them online – and it is strictly platonic. As someone said, hanging around Fluther and getting to know folk over time here is a great way to make online friends and the PM feature is a nice way to connect further. Another social site that is very supportive of friendships is Plurk which is kind of like a microblog site but there it helps if you know at least one person first who can introduce you to others on their timeline.

wundayatta's avatar

Keep writing and maintain an active presence on fluther or other semi-similar sites. Over time, people will come to know you and you will find guys who want platonic relationships.

I think.

I say I think because I think the temptation for a single guy writing to a single woman to try to move it into something more if they like each other is pretty strong. Maybe you should send them a picture of an ugly woman and say it is you.

But in the end, there are no guarantees. You’re just going to have to work hard to keep things where you want them to be. Feelings are feelings and there is no guarantee in advance about how that will play out. You can have all the best intentions and then something happens you did not plan for.

Anyway, good luck. Hope you hang out here just as a jelly, not seeking a platonic friend.

janbb's avatar

As an afterthought, nice gay guys make lovely friends!

CWOTUS's avatar

While it may be possible to have male friends who acquiesce to your request and do so with all sincerity, do you want a friend (can there be such a person?), who could promise “I will never develop ‘feelings’ for you. I will never attempt to take this relationship to any level other than ‘friendly email’.”

Make your friendships, and be as forthright in beginning them as you have been here, but don’t expect people to “never change” just because you want that… for now, anyway.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I’m waving from the corner of the room.

Welcome to Fluther.

janbb's avatar

intelligent doggies make nice platonic friends too!

mazingerz88's avatar

@3xscorp My initial thought was, it shouldn’t be very hard to find a platonic email exclusive male friend. And then I remember the movie, You’ve Got Mail. Lol. Yeah, Fluther would be a good bet. I believe there are great guys here, really. I just can’t pinpoint right now from whom I could borrow money from. They are so sneaky! I would volunteer myself but I’m not so sure after you read my posted questions if you would find me agreeable. But, yeah, I could do platonic. I’m curious about earthquakes. : )

janbb's avatar

@mazingerz88 Isn’t that plate tectonics? :-) I want that kind of friend too!

wundayatta's avatar

@janbb Might I recommend one of those vibrating lounge chairs? You could supplement that with other vibrating appliances as necessary. It should be sufficient to make you feel as if the earth moved. ;-)

3xscorp's avatar

Thanks to everyone for responding. I’ve been looking around this site and the people here (for the most part anyway) seem more intelligent and friendly than some of the other sites I’ve seen. I think I’ll stay a while. @janbb – I lost my angel of a dog last year and haven’t been able to talk myself into getting another. I’ve had other pets but this one was very, very special. But you’re right about them being beautiful friends. Maybe I’ll make her sweet face my avatar.

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