Social Question

smryna's avatar

What is wrong with me?

Asked by smryna (87 points ) May 7th, 2012

Hello everyone

I really need your honest answer about my question. I am 23 yo straight girl and I have a very good career and also I have lots of friends. Like some people I have a criteria for having boyfriend but lately I lower my expectations.Unfortunately I started to think what might wrong with me.

When I see a beautiful girls I really admire and wanna look like them. Then I can’t stop thinking about how they act or live their life etc. I wanna know it because I feel like I can find the answer. And then I can have a boyfriend. But sometimes I am fascinated with the girls and I feel awful because I feel like I’ll never have a boyfriend.

I have a huge network but I cannot find anyone.I mean I am not crazy but something is wrong with me and I know it.

All of my friends are getting engage or marry but I am forever alone and it makes me sick.

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30 Answers

laineybug's avatar

Nothing is wrong with you, you just haven’t found the right person yet. Just because you don’t have a boyfriend doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Just enjoy being single and being able to look around for the right guy until you do find him. Being single can be fun, so make the most of it.

smryna's avatar

I don’t want to have lots of bf i just wanna have someone who loves me for me..all my life i tried to find Mr.Right but it never happened..I mean i don’t judge others relationship because we only hear the story but when they have lots of gf-bf, i always alone and sometimes I feel parasite. I really enjoy alone time and always try to make positive attitiude but it’s enough! I wanna share my life with someone.

Sometimes it’s not about having bf. It’s the feeling you had when you were with them..

marinelife's avatar

Perhaps you are questioning your sexuality. It sounds as if you may be bi-sexual. Perhaps what you need is a girlfriend not a boyfriend.

smryna's avatar

@marinelife i also think about it a lot! But i am one hundred percent sure i am straight. I know what made you think in that way because i told you that i am fascinated about girls. But I mean i only wanna understand what they can and i can’t express my feelings!

woodcutter's avatar

23 years is not really old at all. My doc once told me the average age that people’s acne goes away is 26. You have so much time for that relationship business. I’d enjoy the single life now because once it’s gone…it’s gone.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@smryna Relax and be yourself around guys. When I wasn’t expecting it or looking for it women approached me and we hit it off. Have you tried approaching guys in an easy going way? And you’ll have to look through some to find the right guy.

GladysMensch's avatar

I’m in my forties so I have a bit of perspective on this. STOP worrying about finding someone. Go out with friends, travel the world (I can’t stress this one enough), take classes on ceramics or computer graphics, study Brazilian jujitsu. Get a motorcycle. Whatever. Just go out and have as many experiences as you possibly can. And do it now while you aren’t tied down. Having more experiences will make you more interesting, and will give you a better perspective on life… not to mention, you will meet more potential guys along the way.

smryna's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe yes i have tried it but it was the time when i was a light-headed. I am an easy going person if it’s about making friends but i believe that i try so hard or limit my moves. I just don’t want to meet someone at bar. (i hate it right now!)

@GladysMensch Like i said before i maintain positive attitude. I am doing my master degree, going to gym, travel the world, hang out with friends, going concert bla bla bla i always do those activities. Glad that you are an experienced person but i believe that when you were my age, you feel the same. I mean some time later i’ll watch a few friends get marry and several have babies..it hurts because i do wanna have babies sometime. (That’s one of the reason i wanna hurry up) On the other hand, i am young and i can use some fun….but i can’t

glenjamin's avatar

I’ve always found that when you are looking for something you won’t find it. You will find it when you are not looking (expecting something specific to happen – i.e. meeting someone), and when you are keeping an open mind and generally feel good about yourself. People pick up on self-doubt and self-discontentment very quickly, and this turns alot of people off (believe me I know). Relax and try working on your self-esteem a bit, you don’t have to be with someone to feel good about yourself (and if you do then there’s the problem).

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@smryna Bars aren’t usually good places to meet quality guys. Just keep your eyes open as you do your normal activities.

jrpowell's avatar

It sounds like you are looking for perfection and you will never find it.

Play the field a bit so you can get a sense of reasonable expectations. You might not find Mr Right but you will find someone that is a hell of a lot better than the other options.

smryna's avatar

@glenjamin I was happy alone till now. I didn’t make an effort to meet someone till now and I still don’t because I became self-sufficient in the past years.

@Adirondackwannabe I used to drink a little bit but it wasn’t really for me. I realised I was enjoying it more because I was with my friends than I was enjoying it for myself. But i don’t drink anymore. It’s not my thing.

@johnpowell i am not looking for perfection. I am different. I am not as sexy, flirty, charming etc as other girls but i am not ugly at all. The thing is that i don’t wanna have lots of bf, i only wanna have one till the rest of my life. (it might not happen- i know) That’s why i am picky!

captainsmooth's avatar

Stop looking.

smryna's avatar

@captainsmooth what am i gonna do? Just stting, waiting and wishing ?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@smryna No, go out and live life, enjoying yourself, and the guy will cross your path.

smryna's avatar

Thank you for all your faithful answers. What i was trying to say i’ve been enjoying life quite a lot and really wouldn’t change a thing. I am grateful, indeed. But now i wanna find deeper connections in my life. I don’t wanna be a third wheel. Not to mention how awkward the whole time.

wundayatta's avatar

Are any boys asking you out at all? If so, how do these dates go?

Where have you been meeting boys up until now? Have you had any long term relationships yet? Have you ever gotten serious about someone? If so, why did it end?

The reason why people tell you to stop looking is that when you look you get an air of desperation around you and that turns guys off. The problem is that you can’t just will yourself to stop. You have to actually give up. Often times, when people give up on trying to find a partner, a partner appears almost right away. This happened to me a couple of times in my life. I believe it is because when I gave up, my neediness disappeared and I could be more natural with women.

It’s all well and good to tell you to give up, but it’s not something you can do. It’s a process. It’ll happen without you meaning it to happen.

But meanwhile, do focus on what you are doing. Distract yourself. Spend time in activities that interest you. It is possible that guys you like might meet you there, but that’s not the point. Also, do not be afraid to use your network. Ask your friends to set you up with guys you might like. People love to play matchmaker.

And when you visit your married friend or friends with children, try to enjoy being with them. If you focus on your jealousy that they have what you want, you will make everything worse. They might even think you want to steal their husbands and then you won’t have any friends at all. So be a good friend. No flirting with husbands.

You are desperate now. That comes across very strongly. That is probably what is chasing the men away. Work on calming down and doing things because you want to, not because you might meet a guy.

And if you must work on a guy, why not use the internet? They must have dating sites all over the world for people of all cultures. Don’t you have dating sites you can use?

tranquilsea's avatar

I can only speak to personal experience. When I stopped looking is when I seemed to attract many guys including my husband. That wasn’t a game with me as I was really distancing myself from dating. My husband had to put on a full charm offensive to even budge me.

I think through that time I was just me. I joked, talked and even flirted with guys knowing that I wasn’t looking for anything.

Pandora's avatar

You are just feel alone and nervous about the future. You should re-exam you thoughts about a boyfriend and make sure you haven’t set the bar reasonable. But please to lower it to scum level. Things will happen when they are meant too. My brother in law dated a lot but he didn’t find the woman he wanted to marry till he was 35. I met my love at 20. Its just different times for everyone. I recently heard that the average age of marriage these days are climbing up to 28 years of age for both male and female. People are putting it on hold because of the economy and for their careers. So no need to panic yet.

Sunny2's avatar

I didn’t meet my guy until I had given up the idea that I would ever be married. I decided I would be an “old maid” school teacher. I was 29. I agree with the idea that if you are looking too hard, you won’t find him.

glenjamin's avatar

@wundayatta gave some very good advice, imo

prasad's avatar

How to Make Yourself a God (or Goddess)
in the Eyes of the One You Want

Above link might interest you.

What, otherwise, I would advise will not be accepted by atheists, but I’ll write for your sake. Feeling of incompleteness or deficiency can be satiated only by God. Please read one page a day: http://sriramasamartha.wordpress.com/2009/05/08/. You’ll come across some advice everyday that can help you. You need not change your religion or anything.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Here is a story about two young women who felt almost exactly like you do. They both hung out with a group of single friends in their mid to late 20’s. Everyone in the group was focused on their careers and just having fun in their spare time. Then over a two year period, all but three of the members met someone, married and moved away. The third, a guy, also moved away.

The two women wanted to marry as well, and one really wanted to have children. They made a pact that if both were not married by the time they turned 35, the one would get pregnant and the other would help her raise the child.

They both continued to sporadically date and focus on their careers. One ended up moving to several other cities, but the friends stayed in touch. Years later, one of the women sent her friend an e-mail that said, “So, are you ready to carry through with your half of the pact?” and attached was a photo of a beautiful baby.

A phone call to the friend uncovered the story. The woman, a hotel manager, had just broken off a long-term relationship with a deadbeat guy and decided that she would look into In vitro fertilization in the near future. A week after the breakup, one of the hotel clerks called her at home and asked, “Do you know anyone who wants to adopt a baby? One of the guests just asked for directions to the closest fire station so that she could drop her baby off there.”

The woman ended up adopting the baby. At the last court hearing, the judge said, “You know that taking on this responsibility will greatly limit your chances of finding a partner.” The woman’s quick and honest response: “Yes, and it will be for the best. I will be much more selective on who I would consider dating than I have in the past.”

Back to the other woman. She immediately went to visit her friend, but the two women both knew that the pact wouldn’t be upheld. A few years later, she met a man online purely by accident while doing some research for work. They met in person six months later and became engaged by the end of the year. It will be a first marriage for both of them, despite being in their mid-40s. She gave up her career and is planning to move from the US to England.

Trust those that advise you to keep focusing on learning more about yourself through education, career and personal interests. Do not lower the bar when it comes to what you want in a relationship just to find a husband. Both of the women above did this at some point in their lives, and both realized it would have been a huge mistake in the long run.

P.S. The second woman is me. The one with the beautiful young daughter is my best friend.

submariner's avatar

@smryna What country are you in? That might make a difference.

YARNLADY's avatar

People misunderstand the whole idea of having a boyfriend. You don’t go looking for one because the ONLY reason for having one is when you meet someone you WANT to be with all the time. It’s not something you look for, it’s something that comes to you.

It’s entirely possible this might not happen to you. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Just live your life as entirely independent, with no need to have someone else, and you will be much happier.

As for wanting to be like the beautiful people, that is an attainable goal. To improve your self, take some modeling classes. They will teach you what to wear, how to dress, and make up techniques that work best with you. Self Improvement goes a long way toward making you feel good, and that’s what a potential partner is looking for – someone who feels good about herself.

Look at Julia Roberts she’s basically very plain looking, but she makes up real nice.

Pandora's avatar

God, I should never comment when I’m tired and feeling sick. I actually read my post twice before hitting print.
You should re-exam you thoughts about a boyfriend and make sure you haven’t set the bar reasonable (to unreasonable). But please (DO NOT) lower it to scum level.—
I’m tired now so I should probably stop now.

Only138's avatar

You’re not in any race. Just chill….relax and let nature take its course. It will happen when it is meant to happen.

captainsmooth's avatar

No you are not sitting, waiting and wishing. You are enjoying your life, the people you know and meet, the experiences you have. You are exploring the things that you are interested in, and growing as an individual.

After I my divorce, I met a lot of women online. I met a couple of dozies, but I also met a lot of nice ladies. We didn’t always make the kind of connection I was looking for, but it was very easy to meet someone, get to know them a little through messaging, texting, and talking, then in person to see if there was some physical and emotional chemistry. I met a beautiful woman that way, and we have been seeing each other for over a year now.

smryna's avatar

it’s been a long time since my last response… Thank you in advance for all your help. I’d like to answer some of it.

@wundayatta No one has ever asked me out.(i mean some of my friends tried to mention it but i didn’t wanna be in relation with them so i just turned them down.)
Like you said i am desperate right now. And i believe that i am not sending out signals that i am happy and normal. But when i am not interested getting any bf at all, it also didn’t work for me.( I mean while i was happy and enjoying all by myself)

@Pied_Pfeffer it was an inspiring story. As time goes by, I will be much more selective on who I would consider dating than I have in the past, too. (That’s gonna make things difficult than ever! )

@YARNLADY i am happy with myself. I’ve enjoyed for 23 years and now it’s time to move on to the next level. I’d like to share my happiness and concerns etc. with someone. I’d like to hold hand and do stupid things like all the lovers..

@Pandora I am told by my friends that I have really high standards when it comes to dating, and that’s why I never meet anyone. I don’t wanna lower my standards for anyone because that’s who i am.

@Sunny2 i wasn’t looking for a bf until this age. I insistently want to be someone all the time..that’s new for me…

All these years i did think positive but it couldnt help me to get through it and start to believe never it will. But i know that sometimes, to get something we want, we have to pretend we don’t want it. But i’ve been doing myself a disservice through making clear how badly i want something…something means a nice love life… if i can distance myself and appear less needy, maybe i get what i want..but i also tried this one and it was useless… you may pull my leg but i pray God to make me strong…my hands are tied…don’t wanna be all by myself anymore and don’t know what to do

wundayatta's avatar

All I can say is that you should do what you love. You are most likely to meet someone compatible doing something you love and they love, too.

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