Why do we put so much emphasis on weddings?

Oh, God, I hate weddings. I was going to have a small civil service, but my mom pitched a fit. So I told her if she wanted it, it was all hers. I just showed up when told to. But it definitely wasn’t my thing.

Tradition, like most things – people don’t bother questioning it.

You’re not the only one. Think it through to its logical conclusion. Way too many people get married for the wrong reasons and are really focused on the wedding rather than the marriage. I’ve written about this before and don’t have the energy to do it again. I’m enjoying a day off.

Typical weddings costs, what, $20K? With that money you could use if for a home down payment, jump start your kids’ college education savings, buy a new car, save for retirement, ....or you can have a four hour party.

I had the wedding I wanted: small, in a picturesque setting and a nice dinner afterwards for the
16 people who were there. I marvel at how expensive and complicated weddings can be. The girls who look on this as the biggest day in their lives and insist on having the money spent on them even though it may be impractical, really bother me. It’s taken the place of a dowry. It becomes an “anything you can do, I can do better” kind of occasion. I understand, but I disapprove of it.

I think people just don’t question it, or they don’t have enough courage/imagination to do something else. Damn near every wedding I’ve attended has followed this cliche: white gown, tuxedo, vows, flowers, diamond ring, best man, maid of honor, mediocre meal, toasts, bride/groom kiss, first married dance, bride/dad dance, throwing of bouquet, Electric Slide, everyone dies a little inside. Every single one has been a slight variation on that theme.

I agree, they are a waste of time, money, energy and generally a waste. We should be focusing on the marriage rather than just showing off that day!

Births, weddings, and deaths are events of significance to the community as a whole.

We no longer have the sense of community that our ancestors had as village dwellers, but we do have communities of voluntary association. All communities have a stake in things that increase or decrease the community, that affect loyalty to the community, and that create alliances within and between communities.

The vast majority of couples wed in the UK never see the inside of a church, before or since their wedding day & yet are perfectly happy to be married “in the name of god”
Amazing the hypocrisy doesn’t stink the place out, just a minor irritation, that’s all.

These days, weddings are pretty much what you make them. For some, the gathering of spread out family members is fun while others gather their friends to share in their good fortune.

I’ve been to weddings that were more of a potluck with custom non traditional ceremony that were just as enjoyable as if the couple had a traditional reception.

Also, I think most people these days put too much stress on themselves to go to someone’s wedding if invited- if you don’t want to celebrate with the couple then don’t go. No one is making you buy festive clothes, gifts or anything else.

I prefer funerals these days.

I agree, I don’t get/like weddings. They’re just pompous and boring. I honestly do not give a fuck about anyone’s wedding and I don’t plan to go to any weddings in the future.

Also, it’s just fucked up how some people can spend thousands of dollars on their wedding, yet same sex couples in some states are denied the basic right to marry. It’s just a slap in the fucking face.

Why do we put so much emphasis on weddings?
Quite honestly, I don’t know. I hate going to weddings and I don’t get the point of them either.
They’re a thing of the past as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve gotta tell you… I was kind of in the same boat up until the very day of my own wedding. I hated the same music, same mediocre meals, same monkey-suit clad awkward first dance and of course the expense.

We had our wedding in a beach resort in mazatlan. The entire week was spent basically partying with the guests… by the time the wedding came around it was a continuation of said party. We had several dinners, went to clubs, partied on the beach, the pool and the rooms. The ceremony was held in a colonial/baroque cathedral in the historical center of the town, we arrived in an awesome car from the 30’s, everyone was having a blast. My now wife was the happiest I’ve ever seen her… and her gown looked gorgeous on her. That alone (the smile on her face) was worth every cent.

We paid for the whole thing, right down to the booze and the sky lanterns our guests released over the ocean.

The party was so amazing that after the hotel had to close down the hall… every last guest (including my wife’s 90-year-old grandmother) got in cabs (“pulmonias”) and went down the street to Señor Frog’s… we partied until they closed… and then went back to my suite. There were more than a hundred people in there (the hotel owner is friends with my boss… didn’t say a word)... the suite was enormous and we continued to have a blast until the sun came out.

Everyone was laughing, dancing, drinkng, taking pictures and making friends.

Our friends from Mazatlan (where my wife is from) and our friends from home met for the first time… everyone got along and had an amazing time.

The advantage, I think, is that we didn’t feel obligated to invite anyone other than our closest friends and family. Everyone got to participate as much or as little as they wanted. The setting was fantastic, the food was prepared by a friend who happens to be a master chef… the cake was prepared by another friend who used to work as a pastry chef at the presidential residence in Mexico… I picked the music for the dinner period myself.. the DJ was given specific instructions as to what kind of music to avoid… the booze was flowing freely. A great time was had by all.

We all met by the pool the next day and filled each-other in to what some of us had missed or just couldn’t remember.

It changed my perspective on weddings as boring, archaic tradition and stuffy. I had a blast!
My friends are still calling and sending pics. It was a once in a lifetime experience… and I got to give my wife the wedding she always dreamed of.

Totally worth it.

I just went to my best friend in war and peace daughter’s wedding. It was big and too expensive. On the other hand he was so happy and proud that it was heart warming. I figure as we get older we get a little jaded, but we still put plenty of meaning into ceremony, especially the ones that represent optimism and hope, like holiday family dinners, and weddings and the like. So I guess that is why.

It really does seem like a waste of money.

I’m engaged. My goal is to come in under @Jeruba‘s wedding expense of ~$1000. Justice of the peace service, only the SO’s parents invited, no gift registry. The parents will come home with us for an Indian takeaway dinner and spend the night. I may bake a cake. The biggest expense will be having the SO’s gold band made (long story). I plan to buy my plain gold band at a second-hand jewelry store. While this will be the first marriage for both of us, we don’t want all of the pomp and circumstance that typically goes into a wedding, much less the expense.

@Dr_C That sounds like a great wedding.

Your answer is at the very top. See @syz: ”…my mom pitched a fit.”

Weddings are about tradition, and as @Jeruba says, community, but they’re also about family. Often people go all-out for their weddings because it’s expected by their parents, who are often either living vicariously through their children or are caught up in keeping up with the Joneses.

I often tell friends who are hyperventilating about what their parents are telling them to do by reminding them, “The wedding is a party, it’s for everyone else. The marriage is for you.” That usually calms them down, a bit.

However, I do think people need to stand up and determine what they want; after all, if they’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to be assertive and speak for themselves. But if Mommy and Daddy are the ones footing the bill, then it’s time to compromise (and knowing how and when to compromise is a necessary skill, so the sooner one learns, the better).

One final thought: weddings are celebrations. If you think of weddings in those terms, then it’s a bit easier to bear, despite the hoopla and the tens of thousands spent on fluff and glitter. At its heart, the wedding is about the two people getting married, and that’s reason enough to just go and be supportive, and genuinely happy for the couple getting hitched.

Now as for what wedding I’d prefer, been there, done that. Small wedding, about thirty people, small lunch after. That was that.

Weddings seem to have become more of a spectacle than a commitment witnessed by family and friends in recent years. I do not understand why people put themselves in debt for a big day out, inviting hundreds of guests for such an intimate thing.
Personally, I think it should be an occasion shared with one’s nearest and dearest.

I think it’s ridiculous! It’s mostly down to the young couples that go all out with extravagance. It’s a stupid decision because that money could be used for better things. They’re often penniless afterwards and what is one of the most common cause for stress and arguments in relationships? It’s money! I’m not surprised that more people are getting divorced these days in the current economic climate. It’s the people that get married for the second time who get it right.

You know what I think is sad is when people say they are going to the reception only and not the wedding. Really??! I mean, if you are good enough friends and close enough to want to go to the party, don’t you also want to go to the main event?

I do think the expenses can get all out of control and it’s not worth going into major debt over. That said, it is, hopefully, a once in a lifetime event. I think of the party as a way of sharing your happiness with the people you love the most. A joy shared is doubled, they say. Especially nowadays, families are spread out all over and don’t get to share many important events in each others lives in person. It’s all weddings, and funerals, sadly, that bring us together. It is a sort of social glue to share these events with each other. Sure we make a big deal out of it, but isn’t it a big deal? We are commiting ourselves to share a life together. The party sets that day apart and makes it special. I don’t think you have to spend a lot of money to make it special though. On the other hand, if you can afford it, go for it.

@Earthgirl I think that’s it…for the most part, it is no longer a “once in a lifetime event.” Not with the options that women have today to get out of a relationship that is one sided.

I like weddings. I like to see the happy couple, I like the big party. It doesn’t have to be formal, one of my favorite weddings was a close girlfriend of mine who was married in a Catholic church late morning, and then we all drove to her parents house, which is on 100 acres, changed to jeans and shorts and ate barbequed chicken, sides and danced on the driveway.

I also keenly remember the wedding of a friend who when the bride first entered the room to walk down the aisle her groom had tears coming down his face. The whole room sighed. The wedding was amazing. Flowers everywhere, a floating chupah, the cocktail hour had four food stations, Chinese, Italian, Japanese, and American, and then after was the three course meal, and a live band. Must have cost $40k, but they had the money.

If someone wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding and they have the money to do it, why shouldn’t they if they? It’s a celebration of their new life together, that is a pretty big deal. It is an excuse for family to get together, which is a nice thing. These events, barmitzvah, weddings, birthdays, can be like family reunions. The four hours is too short to really spend time with people, but out of town people are usually there for at least the weekend. Some weddings have events planned all weekend. Rehearsal dinners, golf games, boat cruise, night at the movies, brunch the day after, I have seen all sorts of events.

Small weddings are fine too, simple, a nice meal, but I like a good party with dancing and the whole nine yards. But, I don’t think anyone should go into debt for a wedding, I find that ludicrous.

Waste of money, 50% end in divorce anyhow. Save the money for the attorney’s fees!

Congratulations @Dr_C !

”...we didn’t feel obligated to invite anyone other than our closest friends and family. Everyone got to participate as much or as little as they wanted.”

That’s why some people still do wedding celebrations. The people who want to be with you will be with you for those memories. The people who are more focused on they feel about weddings rather than how they feel about celebrating with the couple, they will decline their invitations.

Unless I think the couple is doomed, I actually like weddings.

Big or small. Traditional or quirky. It’s two people who’ve decided to tackle Life together and want to share that moment with you.

Then there’s a party.
What’s not to like?

Most weddings are like what @GladysMensch said – the same things with slight variations on a theme. The majority of weddings I’ve been to in my life are one big blur of sameness. Catering hall, DJ/band, choice of 3 entrees, coffee, dancing (I hate the standard wedding songs like Alley Cat but most people seem to love them). There are a very few that stand out, either for incredible dancing, or some type of feature. They seem like a huge waste of money, big money that can be spent on something better, but if you have it and that’s how you choose to spend it, who am I to oppose?

Most weddings now seem like a vehicle for the bride to show off and one-up her friends and show off – it seems like it’s for the bride to have “her day.”

@Dr_C‘s weddings sounds like one incredible time that will stand out for everyone as a truly memorable event!

@jca I had a list of don’t play songs for my band and it was all those typical wedding songs. One that comes to mind is What I Like About You. What is it with that song? On of my closest girlfriends who was married before me had the worst music at her wedding ever played in the history of weddings; the DJ was terrible. She was not happy. Only traditional things we did were the prayer over the bread, my dad did a toast and that’s it. I didn’t do any garter thing, didn’t throw the bouquet, didn’t do any stupid songs, although I did do the hora and they lifted us up in the chairs.

Because rituals helps us structure our lives. But becoming obsessed about rituals, including weddings is problematic. A wedding is important but not necessarily the most important day of one’s life. A wedding does not have to be perfect. A wedding does not have to be extremely expensive. A spouse does not have to be perfect. The obsession with perfection destroys the capability for maintaining long-term relationships.

Completely agree with @righty.
I understand the very first time you get married, you probably want to make it a big deal, and spend lots of money on your dream wedding. But doing it again and again, I really see no call for it. The sad thing is doing all this and spending lots of money on it and then getting divorced five months later.