What's the best way to help someone find a relationship?

First, nothing sets me off quicker than someone telling me to “calm down”. It’s patronizing.
I don’t think going to a gay bar is the best place for him to pick up a woman. What makes you think bachelorette parties will guarantee that he will find a “professionally driven” women any more than looking on a dating site? If he is going to bars looking for dates, maybe he needs to cruise the upper scale bars and restaurants. Or he could join certain groups that are professional in nature that would give him access to the professional women he is interested in. I’m not sure why you think dating sites are not for professionals. I have read that professional people are really too busy to go out and do the bar scene, etc. looking for a partner, so they are choosing to use dating sites to cut to the chase.

Looking for a relationship is the best way to not find one.

The only exception being dating websites, which is where I met two of my last 3 g/fs… including the current one. Both of them were extremely driven. I would suggest giving that another swing, but with tempered expectations. I probably initiated contact with 20–30 girls the last time I was on there, had return contact with around 10, regular contact with 5 or 6, set up dates with 2… one didn’t show up, the other one I’ve dated for a year and a half now.

edit: I thought you were talking about Dan at first…. but then I remembered he isn’t successful…. heyoooooooo

“I guess what I am asking is, how do I tell him to just calm down and not be depressed about it, when saying calm down and don’t be depressed about it doesn’t work?”
What @chyna said. Talk about throwing gasoline on the flames;
“DON’T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!”
At the very least, this attitude invalidates and diminishes what your friend is feeling.
This is not your problem. You can observe, and talk about behaviours if he asks you. Just reverse the situation for a minute. Do you enjoy people telling you that your life would be better if only you would do this or that? Especially without you asking?
Do you believe you need to fix everything? When your friend vents to you are you under the impression that you have to take action?
I can understand that listening to the same shit over and over can be annoying, if there is a pattern of negative behaviour. And you are certainly within your rights to mention something to this effect.
But ultimately, your friend has to live his own life without your assistance.
Your assessment of online dating is invalid. If he wants to try those sites, ha has the option to pre-screen all his prospects with his criteria, and has a much better chance to “find a match”.
Let him be picky. That may be his first problem. But again, it is his problem.

See above.
Why do you feel that you have to do anything but be a reliable friend and confidante, while he goes about the business of sorting through the standard and predictable challenges of his social life.
If he wants you to “do” something, he will ask you, plus tell you what it is that he wants you to “do”.

Otherwise, all you need to do is be accessible.

I think it’s admirable that you want to help your friend out. That’s how good friends feel.

With that said, I have to agree with the others that taking your friend to a gay bar to potentially hit on participants of a bachelorette party will unlikely bring results. When I go out with the girls, and if we were to choose a gay bar, that’s sending a pretty strong signal we they don’t want to be hit on by men.

It’s difficult, if not impossible, to convince a person to ‘calm down’ and that when the time is right, they will find the ideal partner. While it’s often the case, there isn’t any guarantee that this will be the fate of everyone.

A better strategy for your friend is what @chyna suggests: he needs to get out and join business groups or clubs that hold personal interest. Dating sites shouldn’t be ruled out either. As @Trillian points out, members have to weed through a lot of profiles to find potential partners, but it’s much more interesting than the bar scene (IMO), and there is a certain degree of assurance that they are single as well. More of my friends are finding their partners through online dating sites, and they are all professionals.

A better way to help him cope with the disappointment (or depression, as you call it), would be for him to talk to people who have found the right partner at 30 or over. They are more likely the ones who can paint the picture that at the mere age of 30, it isn’t time to worry about it.

I wouldn’t mention that he’s being too ‘picky’ either. There’s nothing wrong with being selective. If more people were, there might be less divorces in the world. One of my best friends from school married because, according to him, “She was the first woman who would sleep with me.” Not surprisingly, it didn’t last. That’s an extreme example, but it makes a point about lowering one’s standards.

Please keep us updated, if possible. It has the makings for a good romance story.

Edit: One more thought based upon personal experience. It’s much better to focus on living a single life with the expectation of never finding a partner. A roommate at one point was dead set on finding a husband, and she was miserable. I just went with the flow. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-forties before I met a person that not only met but exceeded my expectations for the ideal mate. He was more like your friend, according to your mother. Yet we both know now that it was worth the wait.

Just be a friend and go out and do stuff with him. Anything, because you never know where a good match is going to turn up.

If there’s nothing wrong with him that makes him undateable, then he is single by choice, even if he doesn’t realize it. He is being too picky, and sabotaging himself, and it is not your problem and you can’t help him.

If there is something wrong with him that makes him undateable, you can help him fix whatever that is.

I don’t think where you meet people matters much, so I’d back up further than other posters to look at what his problem is.

It sounds like your friend has problems making connections in relationships period. Most guys I know that age who have been unsuccessful in relationships are neurotic and unempathetic. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about other people at all per se, but they don’t connect to other people emotionally. One of the tell-tale signs of this is talking about completely uninteresting irrelevancies or talking about themselves a lot.

Does he use “I” a lot in sentences when talking to women? Maybe he should try three (1 and 2 go together, 3 you do period) rather simple tactics to at least break the ice better: (1) talk about them, ask their opinions, and (2) find some common interests, and (3) try some active-listening techniques to keep conversation alive. Unless asked, avoid the self as a subject. One guy I know just does this tit for tat thing where he asks a question and gives a symmetrical response about himself. It’s important to contrive questions, and to maybe know when to stop when things aren’t working – no common interests, nothing more to say, no cues that you’re seeing interest from the other party.

I think when it comes to where to meet people, other posters are spot on. Bars are allowed, but they aren’t ideal for lots of reasons. Networking events or even speed dating provide ample opportunity to learn about people. Yeah, the Internet is easy, so if you don’t mind that, do it. The important part is making a connection and then keeping it.

I’m going on a few assumptions here. Your friend is straight, you’re gay, so he’s not a troglodyte. You schemed to take him out to meet bachelorette party guests in a gay club, so he’s not deformed somehow, and I guess is reasonably attractive.

@chyna So I agree with you. That a bachlorette party is a terrible place to find a relationship, but he needs to get it out of his head that women are not regular people. It is almost like he is star struck when talking to girls that he is attracted to. He is otherwise a very sociable guy… and if he would just be himself, there would be no problems. But he is like super intense, and super attentive to a girls every need on the first date. It scares people away. My thought… is if I can get him to talk to enough women, he will eventually get good at it.
@Pied_Pfeffer ^

@mowens You just nailed his problem. Women usually hate that. He needs to relax and let them come to him.

@tedd Hahahahah no it isnt dan. Dan can actually talk to girls. Although, come to think of it we should make Dan seriously date someone that he doesnt meet on Craigslist. This is for another friend of mine, Matt. (not you obviously) And the problem with profession is, he literally makes close to 150k a year. (in the midwest that is really really good, I dont know about california or NYC)

Most girls he dates, while sucessful, only make around 40–60k a year. One girl asked him how much he made, and he refused to answer becuase he didnt think it was any of her business. Which, it isn’t.

Also, it should be noted, he does not look or dress rich. He lives in a smaller house, drives a Camry, and really doesnt buy much… so it isnt the fact that they dont have money that bothers him. He is worried that someone might try to date him JUST BECAUSE he has money… which, i cant blame him. I would not want that either.

@Adirondackwannabe THe problem there is that he just wont! It’s like watching someone crash a car. He went on a few dates with this one girl. I met her over at his house… and he kept trying to ‘force’ closeness for lack of a better term. He just tries entirely way to hard. Which, is a problem I used to have…. then one day I realized I didnt care if I dated guy A or guy B…if they didnt like me then I would find guy C or guy D, or guy E… the list goes on. If they dont like you, than someone else will. Easy as that. I dont know… it makes sense in my head. But it is an entire mindset that had to change for me… and I hate to see a friend go through the same thing.

@mowens If he’s going to limit himself to women who make around the same amount as he is, then he’s a moron and he’s going to have about 10 women in the entire state to pick from. He should be able to figure out if they’re into him for his money or not, it’s not that hard.

FWIW, I saw a number of ads for dating services targeted specifically at mid-30s-ish professionals, in an airline magazine recently. Aside from free online sites like OKCupid (which I highly recommend), perhaps your friend could look into these paid services.

But I definitely second what other jellies have said about not looking too hard. People definitely pick up on the “Are we going to spend the rest of our lives together?” vibe on the first date, and maybe that is what is scaring women off.

Relationships can & do happen when you least expect it, certainly when you’re not actively seeking one. My advice would be to kick back, chill & let life happen, it’ll find a way for sure.

@tedd Thats not what I meant. I meant, he wants to make sure that they arent after his money.

He needs to put himself out there….and by that I do not mean singles bars or Internet dating sites.

Things to do to meet a potentional love interest:
Volunteer, take music/dance/fitness lessons, go for walks/hikes/bike rides, sit at a coffee shop to read whilst looking to say Hi & meet new people, join meet-up groups, serve on a Board, socialize after work——etc.

He needs to be willing to meet new people. Not just female people, but all people.

The fact that he is concerned that women may be after his money is troublesome. If he isn’t flaunting it, then why is this a concern of his?

I live in a wealthy burb in the Midwest. $150K is a normal salary here. If he’s looking to meet a woman that is professionally minded, he’ll need to hang out where they hang out. In my community, that’d be at the park, the gym, the museums…normal places everyone hangs out.

It’s not your job to find him a relationship. If anything, tell him good things about himself to boost his confidence….I think that’d help all around. And tell him to stop “looking”! We never know what we’re looking for til we find something we WEREN’T looking for and realize that’s what we SHOULD have been looking for all along! Searching for a relationship is a bad idea and rarely results in good things. Maybe he just needs a self esteem boost, so give him one and then maybe his confidence will attract the ladiez.

I see no reason for a friend to interfere here unless he has asked you to help him find a girlfriend. I doubt that’s the case. No having a girlfriend doesn’t equate to unhappiness for everyone.

Well I think this further proves my point that despite what most self-help or dating advice ‘experts’ tell us, you can’t use the same protocols when dealing with other personalities that you would use in trying to attain success with the materialistic goals in our lives. I’m not a fan of online dating since the majority of these sites are just competition fests where guys essentially compete for women, and many of these guys send nearly an endless amount emails/messages out until they get a response.

I’m not sure what to tell your friend here. I do know one thing, relationships need to be mutual, and they need to start mutually as well. Many relationships are one way streets as far as effort goes, so they fail. It sounds like he is trying too hard, both in trying to find somebody, and when he is dating them. My advice to your friend here would be to let some of these women do a little work as well. Also, it sounds like he may be a bit picky as well. Personally, I wouldn’t meddle here.

Um, I don’t think looking for an equal is having ‘high standards.’ He should not settle.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree with that.. But I think it’s foolish to eliminate prospects because they don’t have the income you do… Essentially I’m saying I don’t think someone is not equal with me simply because they make less.

@tedd Yes, I didn’t mean income, obviously.