General Question

CuriousLoner's avatar

How does a introvert or a "loner" come to get in a relationship?

Asked by CuriousLoner (1808 points ) July 1st, 2012

I believe the question is self-explanatory. I feel like I’m at a point in life where having a relationship would be nice. But where do I begin?

I’m not really a “scene guy” into the whole
bar and get drunk every weekend thing or party till I
die. I figure at this living my life and wandering till
I find the right girl. But is there anything I could be doing maybe?

Also I’m 21, new location don’t know anyone really, and in the military drinking is the thing to do needless to say it is not mine.

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23 Answers

Gabby101's avatar

Try social activities that don’t involve drinking, like a cooking class or some other interest group. Volunteering is also a good way to meet people. Online dating is another option – just stay away from sites that are too focused on sex (Craigslist!). The most important thing is to value and respect yourself – girls don’t like “nice” guys because nice doesn’t usually just mean nice, but also that a guy is willing to put up with being treated poorly just for the opportunity to be with that person.

Ponderer983's avatar

Online dating. You do it all from home until you have to meet the person. And you get to know each other, and you can find someone who prefers to stay in as well and not the social butterfly.

CuriousLoner's avatar

To the online dating suggestion I did try it once, place called Plenty of Fish. I did not like it much and honestly had no luck.

Never thought of taking a cooking class as means to socialize I suppose.

Adagio's avatar

I like @Gabby101 suggestion of getting involved with social activities and volunteering, I’m not a great believer that going out consciously looking for something is the way to find it, things come to us when we least expect it, that has been my experience anyway.

And I want to add that being an introvert (I am one myself) does not necessarily mean being completely antisocial, sure, introverts may not be the life of the party but it doesn’t mean we are not interesting people that other people want to get to know, one on one conversation has always worked best for me.

Gabby101's avatar

I have heard that eHarmony is a good site for men because there are a lot more women on it than men (unlike other sites). That’s because it has the reputation of being a place where guys go when they want more than just sex (dont know if that’s true!).

Gabby101's avatar

I agree with adagio – love shows up when you least expect it. That being said, it rarely comes knocking on your door, so you at least need to get out of the house!

CuriousLoner's avatar

I have gone that route for close to a year now(maybe longer). I didn’t mind it, I was quite content.I have been busy with BCT/AIT and moving to my new duty station. That being said after I came from home and settled in my new duty station I suddenly felt a massive void.

I get out of the house just I enjoy running, hiking,reading, playing my guitar, typically most people don’t care for this.

gailcalled's avatar

@CuriousLoner: Plenty of people love to run, hike, read and play the guitar. Can you find groups in your area to hike or run with, and can you hang out at the library or the local book store?

^^I was also about to mention meetup.com. My daughter has used it to find people to hike, ski or mountain bike with when she was traveling a lot.. due to the nature of the activities, everyone was healthy and reasonably sane.

tranquilsea's avatar

Most of the people I know (including me) met our spouses at work or school. I got to know my husband before we dated which took the pressure off.

If I was back on the dating scene I’d use Meetup.com to find men via groups/sports/reading events etc. and then let the chips fall where they may.

gondwanalon's avatar

You have to step out of your comfort zone and try and try and then try some more. Be ready for disappointments but as I like to say: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I was and introvert (still am) and pretty much a loner. But I got tired of being along.

Back in the 80’s before the internet I joined 2 singles dating clubs, and answered news paper adds. I net my wife from a dating club and we are still vary happily married.

I learned that women love to go to see live plays, concerts fancy restaurants so as long as I had money I could usually get a date. Most of the time I think that women took advantage of me and I did get hurt a couple times. No big deal as I usually had such a good time dating beautiful women. I just brushed off my ego and asked more women out.

Have fun and good luck to you!

CuriousLoner's avatar

I just wanted to say Fairbanks is one jacked up place.

Aqua's avatar

Dating is a fairly extroverted activity. You’ll have to act a little bit against your preference, but it has to be done if you want to meet new people and have a relationship. The truth is that extroverts generally have an advantage over introverts in dating. Don’t let that stop you though. Dating as an introvert is challenging, but it’s worth it.

Try to find ways to meet people who have similar interests and go from there.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I met my very introverted husband by the pool of the apartment complex we both lived in.

Be open to conversing with women you meet anywhere.
At least open enough to say “Hi” and smile.

An extroverted gal, or at least one less introverted than you, will take it from there.

Sunny2's avatar

Taking a class is a good idea. It doesn’t have to be a cooking class. Could be literature. There may be community outing groups that hike together. Outreach groups that work on problems in the community. That sort of thing.Church groups. If you choose a group where talking to each other is a must, you have a better chance of making friends. Good luck.

bookish1's avatar

To add to the online-dating bandwagon, I highly recommend OKCupid. It is more geared toward young people and far less creepy than eHarmony.

Bellatrix's avatar

I always think if you just get out there and do things you enjoy doing, you will find other people who enjoy similar things. If you can join groups connected to things you want to do, you won’t have to think of things to talk about, you will already have a connection. So what do you like to do? Join a walking group, or a photography club, a writer’s group. The more people you get to know, the more likely you are to make connections.

PurpleClouds's avatar

Church is a good place to meet nice people. Volunteer to work in a hospital or somethings and classes are always a way. Actually, smiling at a nice looking girl at the grocery store might work. I would stay away from dating websites, but that’s just me. You might meet someone nice on a site like this who, if distance wasn’t extreme, you could actually meet. You must be very careful with online stuff. Sites like this are full of nutbars. Dating sites are even more scary to me.

digitalimpression's avatar

The biggest steps have already been mentioned: Get with people who do what you do. Even introverted people have to socialize to begin and remain in a relationship.

wundayatta's avatar

You must keep trying. Doing this and that. Get involved in activities you care about. You will meet people who can become friends. Try not to worry about finding potential lovers. You will worry, of course, but it’s part of the process.

Eventually, you will get despondent and at some point you will actually give up. You will stop trying to find people to date. You will stop approaching people with that agenda in mind.

Almost the second you give up, completely and utterly, someone will appear in your life.

The problem is you can fake this giving up. You really have to believe you are done and there’s nothing more for you. You have to actually stop looking so much that you forget you were looking. This can’t be faked.

But once it happens, you will become a natural you. You won’t be trying. You won’t have any agenda in mind. And when that happens, your charms will be absolutely evident to anyone who is interested. Then, something will happen.

mowens's avatar

I’m sure that this will probably freak you out… but I am going to say it anyway.

After hearing you describe yourself, I thought to myself, this guy seems awesome and probably hot.

Down side is… I am a 28 year old gay male. But, my point remains the same: You have attractive attributes. Put yourself in situations where you meet people, and you will eventually find a girl that likes you for you.

Kardamom's avatar

You gotta go where people are and learn to converse with people. But don’t just go anywhere, go and do things that you actually like.

Drinking and bars are not the best place to find a mate (although there’s tons of anecdotal stories about people finding their spouse in there). Bars are not conducive to participating in activities (other than drinking) that are important to you, and they’re often loud, full of other people hittin’ on the ladies (so you gotta compete more) and most people are often drunk and not exactly themselves. Plus the women are dressed up in club clothes (which is sexy and fun to look at) instead of what they are most likely to wear on a regular basis, something you want to know early on.

So get started on your list of 100 activities that you enjoy. Maybe it’s writing, book clubs, photography, hiking, art (looking at it or making it) cooking, eating, micro-breweries, wine tasting, bicycling, roller blading, animals (walking dogs, going to the zoo, volunteering at the local shelter) sewing (a lot of my straight guy friends sew and it’s a real turn-on!) comic books (apparently there’s lots of hot ladies at comic-con) music (listening to it or playing it).

Now, after you have your list, pick up one of your local activities guides. These are usually free and can be an actual guide book, or one of the local free papers that has listings for everything from concerts, to festivals, to outings to classes. Then get out your calendar and start making some plans to do some of these things. Don’t cram too many things in at once, just try a couple of things, and then a few more and then a few more. Decide what you really like to do!

Then, when you get there, don’t just sit there on the sidelines. Walk right up to people, males and females alike, and say something like, “I’ve always wanted to take a Spanish cooking class, have you ever been to this place before?” or “Hey, do you mind if I join your group/table?” or “Wow, this stained glass class looks like it’s going to be fun, I’ve never done it before have you?” or “This forest is so beautiful, I’m from the big city so I don’t have much experience with the great outdoors, I hope I bought the right hiking boots.”

Report back : )

Paradox25's avatar

I would suggest just putting yourself out there to some degree, whether it be at a job, hobby, or other activity. Try to be open and personable, and don’t chase anyone or crawl up their a$$. People tend to respect you more when you respect yourself for some reason.

There is also the online dating option, but from what little you’ve described of yourself I would suggest eharmony. On eharmony women work equally as hard as the men do, and they tend to be more down to earth when compared to other sites I’ve been involved with. Stay away from match.com! Match is nothing more than a competition fest where the guys send out tons of emails just to land a date with somebody. Also, on match I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for a woman to message you first either. From my experience eharmony is more friendly towards introverted men when compared to match.com. Either way be prepared to do some work on any online dating site as well, and don’t let others know that your desperate! Good luck.

bookish1's avatar

Lots of great advice on here. I just wanted to second what @wundayatta said; it might be hard to believe but it has come true for me several times already:
“Almost the second you give up, completely and utterly, someone will appear in your life.”
And I think it was great advice to look for friends and camarades rather than just looking for a lover. Having that kind of mindset might make you feel more open around people you’ve just met, rather than just trying to gauge if they will be a compatible date.

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