Social Question

paperbackhead's avatar

What did I say wrong?

Asked by paperbackhead (330 points ) July 26th, 2012

I recently met this decent guy on my way to work, not much was exchanged between us during the time in which we first met, but it was enough to make me take down his number.

For awhile we were texting back and fourth, and he kept asking me questions like: “How do you feel about sex without a condom?”, “How many days per week do you think its cool to have sex?”, and my favorite one “How do you feel about cuddling?” I didn’t feel these questions were appropriate to ask especially since we just met. We spoke about other things besides sex, and I thought we had a bit in common. When he then asked me what I thought about the conversation so far I honestly answered, “It seems as if you’re looking for something more physical than mental” he then said “Well I want a relationship in which we are both physical, so in a way you are right”. It then felt a little rushed when he asked “What are your impressions?” So I responded with “It just seems like your just trying to F#$%” He then said “Well your making assumptions that aren’t true, which will lead to an argument, and please delete my number from your phone”

I’m not sure what I said wrong? If you’re asking someone about unprotected sex, and their sexual behavior I’m going to assume that your just interested in sex. This had me confused pretty much all week.

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24 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

You didn’t say anything wrong, he’s an immature ass who won’t stay around to clarify and probably isn’t all that honest. You’re better off without a prick like him. Move on.

DigitalBlue's avatar

Sounds like you called him out and he didn’t like that. Nothing “wrong” about it. Probably better for you, because he sounds like a jerk.

jca's avatar

It was inappropriate to move on to “sex talk” so soon. I would not think twice about him and erase him from my memory bank.

Aethelflaed's avatar

I can’t see anything you said wrong, but I only know your side of the story. But this guy is seriously conflict avoidant if you saying anything that might lead to a fight results in him ending the relationship, so he’s clearly someone to stay far, far away from anyway.

ragingloli's avatar

So you met a stranger on the street, gave him your phone number, and he immediately started sex talk?
You should have severed all links after the first message.

zenvelo's avatar

This guy sounds like he was asking questions straight from OKCupid!

You didn’t say anything wrong at all, and you have avoided getting into a relationship with an asshole. Good for you! Time to move on.

paperbackhead's avatar

@zenvelo Thats EXACTLY what I said when he started asking me those questions, and I agree!

tedd's avatar

Ehh… you just confronted him on the question, and they were fair assumptions on your part. Maybe a little more diplomatically wouldn’t have offended him so much, but at the base of it if you’re not down for the same things he is in a relationship (be they physical or whatever) ... then it’s probably not worth losing sleep over.

flutherother's avatar

Don’t blame yourself for this. You didn’t do or say anything wrong. You spoke the truth to him and he couldn’t take it and the fact that he couldn’t take it a sort of proves it was the truth. People aren’t always how they first appear to be. All that glitters is not gold.

bookish1's avatar

You didn’t say anything wrong. He sounds like a waffly tool. There are a lot of them out there.

paperbackhead's avatar

@flutherother I don’t, but why are all the best looking ones, with the good jobs assholes?

CWOTUS's avatar

Can I take it that you’re free for the weekend?

How do you feel about… well, okay, let’s start with “cuddling”?

I think your response was cool, and his was very uncool.

tedd's avatar

@paperbackhead I take offense to that statement :)

Mariah's avatar

I think he just got defensive because you saw through his guise.

wundayatta's avatar

What did you say wrong? Let’s not try to make this about right and wrong. Let’s see if we can understand his reaction.

I think that when you said, “It just seems like your just trying to F#$%,” you were making an angry statement. I assume you mean “fuck” and your spell checker is broken. When you express your anger that way, a guy gets your meaning pretty quickly. It sounds like you’re telling him that you don’t respect him or like the way he’s been going about things.

Now he may value a physical relationship highly, and so in finding out that you are not open to a physical relationship, he may have decided already that you are not the right person for him. When you get angry at him for valuing the physical, then he’ll feel angry, too, and try to hurt you by just cutting off the relationship.

On the other hand, he may truly have been insulted because that wasn’t his major goal in the relationship, or because he sees sex as a spiritual thing and was trying to see if you did, too. Of course, having insulted him, you have to expect he would lash back.

In the future, if you suspect that a man is emphasizing sex more than you are comfortable with, you might handle it differently. I think you might talk about how what he is saying makes you feel. I.e., that it sounds like he is talking about sex too soon for your taste. You like to get to know a person better before you are ready to start talking about it.

I think it would be helpful to him to know how he’s coming across. And it is also helpful for you not to tell him he is talking about sex too soon. He is talking about is sooner than you are ready.

Who knows. If he had agreed to delay the conversation a bit, and you hadn’t attacked him for pushing the conversation too soon, maybe you would have been able to buy time to get to know each other. Instead you ended up impugning each other’s morals or something, and you had no chance.

Possibly the only thing he was interested in was sex. I don’t know. Women often accuse men of this. I think sex means something different to men than it does to women, on average, but most people seem to think it’s only about sex (both men and women), and that this is bad. I think it may be an issue of bad communications, and that sex means different things to men and women and that we don’t understand each other that well.

KNOWITALL's avatar

A lot of people flirt by talking about sex, I think perhaps you weren’t sophisticated enough for him (no offense!), and by being so blunt/ accusatory, you ruined the entire fantasy/romance.
To me, having lots of guy friends all my life, he was trying to get to know you and how you think, perhaps see how sexual you were as a person, but since you weren’t ‘talking the same language’ and you were obviously affronted, perhaps it’s better this way as something else would have come up next.

paperbackhead's avatar

@wundayatta I feel like you read deeply into these questions, but very much felt as if he was being so direct so soon. And that to him was like, “wow you really kinda kicked me in the balls, cause you figured I was talking about sex.” It’s so true it hurts my ears.

wundayatta's avatar

@paperbackhead Then he wasn’t the right guy for you. You don’t owe him anything.

I just wish people could express themselves more clearly on this subject. There is a lot of moral judgment about people based on things like whether you are all about sex or not. If we were more accepting, then people could be more honest and more clear, and our messages wouldn’t get crossed up. At least, I hope that’s what would happen. I’m not at all sure it would.

But what bothers me is that you thought you said something wrong. You judged yourself badly, and I don’t think that is necessary. I don’t think it’s necessary to judge either of you badly. If he wants sex, fine. If you don’t, fine. All you need to do is figure that out without making each other feel bad about it.

chyna's avatar

Your response to him was appropriate. He was out of line.

blueiiznh's avatar

You did nothing wrong. He was acting in a pervy way and asking inappropriate questions given the situation.
Glad you stood up for yourself and put him in his place.
Put it behind you.

Judi's avatar

You called a dog a dog. Food riddance!

Shippy's avatar

Yes he sounded kinda “Ikky” right from the start, you must (as he suggested) delete his number to get rid of him. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Dsg's avatar

I have had a few guys online get that way with me too. Yes, sex questions are important but not when you are just getting to know someone, especially if you are feeling uncomfortable by it. You were totally correct in your statements. He probably felt guilty because he knew where he was going with the questions…to the bed. Kudos to you!!

Judi's avatar

so sorry for my fat iPhone fingers. I hope y’all know that “Food” was supposed to be “Good.”

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