What do you guys think about my mom's opinion on me not being home as much?

MY opinion of your mother’s opinions is irrelevant.

Why not sit down with your mom and talk with her?

Don’t have your sisters be the messengers.

Your mom sounds like she is going through a hard time. Lonely. She obviously misses you, and is having a hard time letting you go. You are the last girl, so she is trying to hold on a little longer maybe? Plus, culturally she might have pinned you as the one who would always be very attentive, who knows. I don’t know much about your culture, but some cultures each child takes on very specific roles. The oldest begins to take over decision making for the family, the youngest left in a more nuturing role. I have no idea if that applies to you.

What I do know is the time when kids leave home is almost always very difficult for the child and the parents. It is many times a struggle. My husband’s family it happened with each child. Each time the child left the home there was some negativity from the parents especially their mom. It was overt, as opposed to in America it tends to be more covert, with each party knowing the child must move on and people being rather surprised by their feelings and the arguments or something, not sure. Back to my husband’s mom she was pissed how her children went about it, how they informed her and their father, that they did it too hastily, that they would not get anymore help from them, etc. His sister moved out at 25 to get married, my husband left for university at 18, which was traumatic, and then again when we got engaged at 24 they tried to do all sorts of things to get him to change his mind. His brother left home in his mid 30’s, and they were pissed.

What you’re describing has been very well described by Asian writers such as Amy Tan, Lisa See and Jhumpa Lahiri, among others. They have each written very well about Chinese and Indian immigrants to the US and the generational conflicts that arise as the newcomers attempt to raise their children in the New World with Old World values.

I’d recommend that you do some reading to gain some insight into the stress your mother is feeling – and maybe recommend the same reading for her so that she can understand your point of view better.

Mostly, I agree with @gailcalled that nothing will beat talking to (instead of through) each other, without intermediaries to muddy the waters.

@chelle21689 You’re the youngest daughter or do you have one younger sister? Either way, she’s getting empty nest syndrome.

How old is your mom? Is she going to menopause or maybe has some other hormonal issue? It could be empty nest syndrome but she doesn’t have an empty nest. You say your sister lives there.

It will be easier when you move out. Most moms have trouble with the thought of their baby girl having sex. If you don’t live there she can imagine that your still her pure virginal baby. When you don’t come home her imagination takes off. As a mom, I can tell you that no matter how hip I want to be its still hard. Easier now that their married.

It’s just how your mother grew up. I took 2 courses of Asian American History classes and I remember a lot of girls in the class saying they felt held back or had the pressure being something in the sciences. i.e. nurse, medical doctor, engineering & etc. The intense pressure you are dealing with is nothing new in the Asian culture, even in the USA. I grew up with a pretty intense step dad (Filipino) who wanted to control my life. I started staying out late in the 7th grade, but during summer of course. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Perhaps it’s time to take the next step in you life and move out? I feel you might be living in a “glass roof” environment, (You can see the sky, but the walls are keeping you from moving out into the real world). Just tell her you love her when you move out. Remember she’s struggling to let go of you too and in the Asian culture she strongly believes she knows what’s best for you and believes pretty much close to nothing else. (*Note this is my subjective opinion)

Seems like you two need to hook up away from work and do chic stuff together. I’ve been told mom and daughter time is fun. Do special things like spa stuff and probably some obligitory shopping etc.

I am the youngest daughter lol. I honestly think she’ll get over it eventually. She cried a teeny bit when the 2nd oldest moved out.

And no my sisters do not live there, I mentioned they moved out. It’s just me and my brother left but he is at his gf’s house most of the time. My mom seems to not be bothered by him being gone as much. He’s a year younger than me and the only son.

WhiteTigress..yeah, I feel like I’m ready to move out but not financially ready. It kinda sucks. Funny thing is, when my 3rd older sister told me my dad told her recently, “It’s been a year since you been gone now…do you want to move back in?” LOL

My mom is Filipino and my dad is a Chinese-Thai

@chelle21689 For all you know she cried a lot. Awww. She will get over it, but it’s obviously hard for her. I think it will be easier once you are totally out. While you are living in her house she might have specific ideas about what is respectful while living there.

Yeah, she makes me feel terrible about it. How can she say I don’t love her? I’m around A LOT more than she thinks. I’m just not at home at night sometimes.

@chelle21689 it was mean to say that. I guess she is telling you how she feels. She feels unloved, that you don’t need her anymore. Was she a stay at home mom? Did her whole life revolve around you kids for the last 30 years? It is a really hard transition for some parents. They feel useful by doing for their husband and children, and useless when they cannot do those things. It is a sort of an identity crisis. Or, it can be, I don’t know for sure what your mom is going through obviously. It can simply be she just is sad she won’t have you there every day. That’s natural. It’s a loss.

Maybe ask her for some advice, or ask her to go to lunch? Something to show you value her opinion and being with her, and will still come to her.

Only way to spend time is just shop with her and have family get togethers which we do have. My mom and dad are the hardest people to please in the world. They hate going out because it costs money, they’re very picky with restaurant food and would rather cook, they hate the weather if it’s not perfect and stay inside, they don’t do much LOL. They do like going to casino together that’s about it!

I’m not really looking for advice…just a discussion to talk about. But thank you.

I think the expectations of the youngest daughter are different. You’re the last daughter, so you’re the one who is supposed to take care of them. You are their social security system.

I’m not sure what the Filipino custom is. I know in Tibet, it is the son that takes care of the parents. Probably in China, too. But somehow that may be different depending on which Asian culture. What do you think? When you get married, whose family do you belong to then, yours or your husband’s?

But you’re not married yet, and I suppose, until you do get married, your mom probably thinks you belong at home, taking care of them. Of course she knows times are changing, but I’m sure she still wants the old ways to hold on.

And I have no idea what her attitudes about sex are. When you spend the night with your boyfriend, does she act uncomfortable about it, or does she even get in your face about it?

The big thing, though, is that you are youngest daughter. You are the last. She realizes she will be alone after this. No more daughters. So she wants to hold onto you as much as she can. This is all subconscious, most likely, so I doubt that talking will do much good. All you can do is tell her you love her, and do things for her, and live you life, moving out when it’s time. Meanwhile, enjoy the time you have with her relying on you.

My girlfriend is from Taiwan, and we have been through this.

I think you need to talk to them, and make them realize that things are different now. You also need to get them off your back regarding your freedom.

I was amazed to learn that parents still control their kids past their mid teens. It may have worked and done good in the past, but it is time to move on and live modern lives.

Actually, in Asian culture the oldest looks after the family. But I think me being one of the youngest has to do with it.

About the spending the night, at first she said I’m not supposed to do that because I’m a girl LOL. It’s okay for my brother but not me.

Even though we are Asian I think that we are much more Americanized than other Asian families I know because my bf jokes that I’m a “white” girl.

I like the discussions we are having. It makes me feel better everyone :)

@chelle21689 : I’m glad that this is helping;

What would be most helpful, however, is for you and your mother to find a way to talk and listen to each other. The longer you put off the work you need to do for that, the longer she will try to infantilize and intimidate you.

@chelle21689 You being the last one is the toughest on parents too. It marks the end of the family as it once was. I was the last one to move out in my family. My mother cleans when she is upset. When I moved in with my S/O the house got cleaned to death.