Doesn't the phone work both ways?

I provably WOULD say something, but I have a chronic case of foot in mouth disease so I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I would definitely say something. I would start out lightly with, “I called you on today and on x date. When’s the last time you called me?”

Then see how they respond. If they know about your agoraphobia, you could say something like, “You know it’s difficult for me to come over. I’ve invited you here, but you’ve never come.”

Wait and see what their response is.

I do know people like this. My MIL used to answer the phone, “what a miracle!” when my husband would call her. We were the only ones doing the calling. When we were on her side of town we often called up and said we would love to drop by, she never once called to drop by our place, it always had to be us formerly inviting her. It was extremely onesided, and we were accused of being the ones who were not family oriented enough. It felt very unloving and unnappreciative to me. Finally there was a sort of blow up in the family and this topic came up. I asked, “is there some sort of cultural thing maybe I am not aware of, is it supposed to be the children always doing the calling and inviting” (I am American and they are Mexican). I meant it without malice, truly just trying to figure out what the hell was going on? What I might be doing wring in her eyes regarding some unwritten expectation I did not know of. She seemed a little insulted by the question. I said I am just trying to figure out the rules, but she said there are no rules. Well, more time passed and I stopped almost completely doing anything to get together. In my mind and in practice I finally got to the point where I felt like if I get no credit for what I do, f!!! ‘em. When I finally reached that point things changed. They started pursuing my husband and me. Not sure if they realized it was unfair, or realized we were pulling away a little or what. Now, a couple years later, things have become more even.

Definitely say something. And, I would recommend not mentioning your anxiety. Just lay out the facts about how often you have called and that they don’t. If they have it in their head you are agoraphobic they might be working on how they perceive you, rather than what really happens. You would be amazed at how people can believe something that isn’t true.

My Mom would always say, “Call your mother,” or “Come see your mother.” I pulled the, “The phone works both ways,” and “It is the same distance to my house,” on her once. She just said, “But I’m your mother.” I would give anything I have to be able to call her or go to see her now that she’s gone. The same goes for friends and others I love and have lost in my life.

The thing to me, @DigitalBlue, is it shows me how loved you are by those that complain about not seeing you often enough. I get what you are saying though. I honestly do. But, I am really striving to stop allowing others to steal my happiness…even if it is a fleeting comment.

When they start on you, just smile and tell them you love them very much.

@bkcunningham But, then they still get away with their actions. Telling them you love them, that’s nice to reassure them you love them, but it doesn’t call them on the carpet about how unfair they are being. And, how self unaware they are. Without putting the facts in frint of them and making them come up with data to support their unfair accustations, they keep believing their mean fantasy. If I was angry with someine and their response was, “I love you,” I would find it evasive and dismissive on its own, unless it was followed up by a reall conversation about wanting to sort things out.

Your mom wanted you to call, because she felt it was her child’s role to make the calls. That I can accept. It sounds like she doesn’t expect it to be even, she has different rules for theposition in the family, she would probably agree she puts the burden on you to make the calls.

She was hilarious and always got her way with me, @JLeslie. I’m just saying that life is short and NOW, looking back after having lost people who loved me and people I loved, an argument over who calls who isn’t a battle I would EVER fight again. Hindsight is 20/20 though.

I understand @DigitalBlue‘s situation with agoraphobia is very different. I just want to give my advice that it sounds like @DigitalBlue is very loved, otherwise there wouldn’t be a discussion about who called whom or who visited last. It just seems like a loving and wonderful thing to have to worry about to me.

I probably wouldn’t get on the offense with them, nor would I get too defensive. I would just kind of pretend they didn’t say it, and say something like “Busy busy busy, how bout you?” or “I’m here now! How are you doing?” Non-confrontational, and just kind of looking to be sociable without getting pulled into an argument.

You may have to explain the agoraphobia problem to them separately or as a group. My sister in law, who has never said that she has agoraphobia (although my poor brother has used it as an excuse for her for years now) never comes to family events, never calls and always has a reason for why she can’t attend or participate, yet she’s never told us (and it certainly doesn’t appear that she has agoraphobia) that she is agoraphobic.

So unless people are told, that you are agorphobic, they’re just going to assume that you’re being rude or crazy or whatever. I’ve had to explain to many, many relatives why my SIL won’t be attending their wedding, birthday party, Christmas gathering, picnic, trip to theme park, dinner party, so and so’s going away party, so and so’s graduation party, baby shower, bridal shower, visit them in the hospital. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer, because she’s never told me or anyone else that she’s agoraphobic and she doesn’t seem that way at all. She has a job where she’s with lots of people, visits her own family members on her side and has a few girlfriends that she does things with, but anything to do with my brother’s family (and we’re all very pleasant, no people constantly asking personal questions, no one ranting about politics or religion, we mostly get together to hang out and eat) she never participates. I’ve had several relatives ask me if they’d done something to offend her.

On the other hand, one of my aunts, has told us, or she’s told us through her daughters, that she does have agoraphobia and she exhibits all of the symptoms. So we all know that she suffers with this problem, but she also likes to have company, occasionally. So we go to her, and know to exect that she won’t/can’t come to us. My SIL, on the other hand has made it pretty clear that she’d rather not have any of us come to her either, but no explanation has ever been given as to why. I’m still guessing myself, but I don’t think it’s agoraphobia.

I think you have to come up with a way to let everybody know your situation, and you may have to repeat it over and over. Just like I always have to remind everybody that I’m still a vegetarian and have been for the past 25 years. It kind of makes me laugh when my cousin acts like I’ve just told her that for the first time and she’s shocked and embarrassed. And then throws in, “That must be hard, what do you eat?” Oy vey!

You may want to send out a short sweet e-mail or Facebook posting or even cards, to all of these folks saying the same thing. Dear Relatives, I want you to know that I love you all and I enjoy your company. I hope you don’t find me rude when sometimes I have to beg off. Some of you may already know that I suffer from agoraphobia and that means I have a lot of fear and anxiety when it comes to social situations, so sometimes it’s not easy or possible for me to visit or go outside or to travel and sometimes I can only manage to experience social situations on a limited basis. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want and appreciate your company, because I do, and I love every one of you. I just want to know that I enjoy your company and phone calls, but unfortunately, it’s easier on me, emotionally, to have you come to my home, rather than for me to venture out. Just wanted to let you all understand a little bit more about me, and hope that I haven’t offended any of you. Please don’t hesitate to call me or plan to come and visit me, I just wanted to remind everyone of my unfortunate limitations, because some of you have been asking about why I don’t come over as often. I hope you can understand. Love @DigitalBlue

I have a hard time with that. My son told me he was coming over Sunday to do some laundry, so I put off doing mine or using the dishwasher because I didn’t want to delay his work. He finally called about 8 pm and said he forgot. He said I should have called him to verify he was coming earlier.

I didn’t call, because I thought he would be showing up any minute now.

I do know people like this. “You never write to us!”, “You never call!”

[My thoughts on hearing this] “And what, you have bones in your arms preventing you from doing either of those things.”

Bah… try not to let it get to you.

More than half of my blood family have the same attitude towards me but I let it ride anymore. I do what I do, when I can. If I had to wait for 99% of them to come to me before I next went to them then I’d be out of luck, just the way it is. One thing I know is this though, whenever I do see them, the feelings I get are worth the short spurts of snarkiness :)

@bkcunningham I see your point. I could not have done it personally, because I felt it was so mean. Now, I can ignore them when they say things like that, but I don’t feel close to them in the same way I did before. For me they ruined the bond, althought they are building it back.

With my own mother it would not get to me though. So, I guess who it is makes a difference for me.

I second @marinelife. One of my husband’s grandmothers is like this. In fact, not once has she ever been to one of my daughters’ birthday parties that we’ve invited her to.

I’d say something. Try to keep it lighthearted, especially if it’s in front of other people, but yeah, I’d probably say something like, “Hey, I don’t see you knocking on my door, either, you know.” If they don’t know about your anxiety issues, tell them. I just learned that the hard way, myself. My father was very hurt about how rarely I participate in family functions, and I had no clue until recently. It dawned on me that I’d never told him about my anxiety, so I did. But now, I suspect he thinks I’m just using it as an excuse. :(

I think that it could be like how when someone asks you, “How are you?” they really don’t want to know. Likewise, “you don’t visit/phone enough” doesn’t mean that they really want you to contact them more (especially since they never contact you). If you must respond when placed in this position, you have already chosen the words. Tilt your head, show an amused smile and say, “The phone works both ways.” and gently laugh at the irony.

This occurs. It is human nature for some and a way of saying they want to have more contact.
Keep your feedback light hearted but sincere.
All you can do is the effort you can make. Do your part and know that you are. If the other side falls in place and reciprocates then a big win. Otherwise you simply know that you did your part in action and word.
Don’t loose sleep about anything that is not in your control.

My phone only works one way. It is always someone asking me for something.
I hate it.

^^ If you weren’t so darned useful, people would stop calling you : )

I never call, write or visit anyone. Or barely. However, I don’t bitch when people don’t call, write or visit me, either.
I know people like that who just love to reproach this to me, maybe because I have a bit of a bad rep about it. Like you, I’m not always comfortable with people that much all the time. I’m also kind of shy and insecure and would rather be alone most times. Not saying those are really justifiable factors, but people do the same to me as they do to you, yet they don’t communicate with me anymore than I do with them. Like my roomate, we’ve known each other for years before she moved here. She doesn’t go to see anybody ever, even her long time childhood friend has to come over here, because she doesn’t go see her.
But before she moved here, she complained that I never went to see her, even though I freakin did, sometimes. And half the time I went to see her she’d barely talk, just watch TV or play games, and I’d just sit there and watch. She never came to see me though.

My grandma is also always scolding me for barely calling; but I can’t say anything about her, because she calls me all the time, and sends me letters and presents. But she knows what I’m like, and anyways she’s only half joking, I often send her letters too. I continue to horrify her with my atrocious French grammar, which she also scolds me about

I think maybe it’s people trying to avoid a sense of responsibility they create for themselves when they realize they feel bad, then they imagine that by blaming someone else, they can be a victim through osmosis and therefore avoid their own damn lazy asses. Or something. I mean I’ve felt it, but I have enough class not to puke it all over people, and accept it as my own fault. Fuck sakes.

My grandmother is one of the people who complains, though I do call her at least weekly, I think she just forgets that I’ve called. She cries almost every time I call her, as if it hasn’t been only 4 days since we last spoke. She doesn’t call or visit, but I cut her slack because… well… she’s pretty old.
My in laws, however, just don’t seem to make any effort to visit my husband or I, and I don’t really feel like I should have to explain why I don’t come to every function, when they don’t come to any of ours. Again, I am not counting my husband’s grandparents, as they are quite elderly, and I don’t expect them to go bouncing all over or always remember to call.
But my parents and siblings come over pretty frequently, they come to our picnics and Sunday dinners and just drop by to visit. My husbands’ parents and siblings don’t, and I am not especially close to them where I feel like I should have to explain my situation. Even if I were 100% anxiety free, I still don’t think it makes the situation fair.
I doubt I will say anything, but, I definitely don’t see myself giving explanations for why my effort may seem insufficient, when they don’t appear to be putting forth any effort at all… because agoraphobia, or not, I’m pretty sure that is all in their perception. I will just continue to smile and nod.

Thanks for the answers.

So few people have insight, its a social disease.