Social Question

AnonymousWoman's avatar

(NSFW) How would it make you feel if a son or daughter of yours moved in with someone he or she is intimate with, but not committed to?

Asked by AnonymousWoman (6344 points ) August 29th, 2012

Would this bother you as a parent? Does it depend on whether it’s a son or a daughter who chose to do this? What sorts of things would run through your mind? Would you say something about it? If your son or daughter was not initially upfront about it, but you ended up finding out through the grapevine, how would you react?

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23 Answers

Nullo's avatar

It would mean my failure as a parent, so yeah, I’d be pretty upset.

ragingloli's avatar

Good riddance I say.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

No, it wouldn’t bother me at all. I have excellent communication with all three of my children, and that includes intimate matters when appropriate. If this situation arises, I won’t have any qualms discussing it with the child in question. I would offer my love and support.

Bellatrix's avatar

My children are adults. I respect their right to make their own decisions. I also respect them enough to believe they have thought things out carefully. If I was concerned about their welfare, I know I can talk to them and they will listen and then make a decision that’s right for them. If things don’t work out. I will be there for them.

Shippy's avatar

Nothing at all would “run” through my mind. I have enough stuff running through it. I would trust them to make good and bad choices and deal with the consequences.

Pandora's avatar

To answer your question, it would bother me. My adult children are open with me so I would have no problem questioning their decision. This would be for two reasons. One, that they aren’t leading the other person on and making them believe that there is something more to the relationship and that they are aware that the other person may say they don’t want or expect more and two that if it doesn’t work out that they will end up back home.
There is also a third reason I would not like this. And that would be that it may mean they have given up on ever finding a real relationship and they think this is the best they would ever have.
They would also be scaring away any possibility of a chance of a good relationship because many people would think that they are already taken.
They would be better off living alone and having them on the side. No reason to move in together just to get some.

tedd's avatar

If my adult aged child wants to live with their significant other, I would have no problem with that. I would however have issues with them living with a friend with benefits or what have you… but even then only because I know from my own experiences how messy those situations can get, and I wouldn’t want them to be stuck living with someone after things blew up.

creative1's avatar

When they become adults they need to learn to live with the decisions they make in life and it would not necessarily bother me but I would speak to her and let her know my feelings of the situation before hand so when she makes her own decision she also can get another perspective of the situation and hopefully will make whatever decision is right for her but also making sure she is protected in the situation.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Thanks, all of you. I don’t think my parents would like this, so I have been wondering about the variety of reactions a parent might have and how to deal with any potential heartbreak on their part. Or if it’s even worth risking that. I am open to hearing as many opinions from parents as I can get. I figure it’s better to hear as much criticism as possible from other parents while making my decision than actually doing it and breaking my parents hearts without running the idea by other parents and seeing what they think first. I don’t want to go into this blindly if I go into it at all.

OpryLeigh's avatar

Providing it was a mutual agreement (ie: I didn’t think my child wasn’t leading someone on) I would mind my own business. I don’t care about other peoples relationships providing they are consentual and I would igure that, comitted (in the romantic sense) or not, there must be some kind of friendship there for two people to live together and maintain a intmate relationship without it being awkward. The way I see it, that’s just housemates with benefits, no biggie!

Paradox25's avatar

I’d be very upset personally, but the choice is theirs in the end and I would still be there for them.

gailcalled's avatar

I would mention my concerns, once only and in a calm voice. Then I would let life take its inexorable course.

Sunny2's avatar

Once my children were of legal age they made their own decisions. If they asked for advice, Id give it, but otherwise, I had to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.

nikipedia's avatar

If they’re moving in together they sound pretty committed to me.

I don’t think I understand the question.

Blackberry's avatar

Why would I care what this legal adult did with their time? Even if I cared, what would give me the right to control that other adult’s life?

Bellatrix's avatar

@nikipedia it is a ‘friends with benefits’ situation. If I understand it correctly – they aren’t in a loving relationship and have no desire to be but they have sex and want to move in together. I imagine because they are friends, can share expenses and there is the additional ‘benefit’ of being willing to fulfill each other’s sexual needs but without any expectation of emotional commitment.

Mr_Paradox's avatar

I had a “FWB” experiance during university with my friend Grace. We moved in with each other for convienience’s sake and until she got a boyfriend about a year from graduation it went along fine. After that I moved out and he moved in. No hard feelings between us. We still meet up every now and then to catch up. It’s all about knowing what the other person wants.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

^ It is nice to hear a story where this worked out without the stereotypical drama associated with FWB relationships! Thank you so much for sharing, @Mr_Paradox.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

@nikipedia Interesting that you bring this up. He suggested he would be pretty monogamous with me if we lived together (and suggested that that we may even be 100% monogamous). He has also assured me we have been monogamous, and that if he was going to do something with another girl, he would tell me. Oddly, it is me who has been less monogamous than he has. I went through a phase where I had two FWBs. They both knew about it and each other. He could handle it more than the other one could. As a result, I’m only FWBs with him now.

@Bellatrix We do “love” each other as people and as friends, but we’re not “in love” with each other. There are no sparks/butterflies in our stomachs for each other. We also have extremely good communication. Living together seems like a good idea when it’s reasonable to do so, except for other people’s judgements. I feel like that is the only thing holding me back from agreeing to the arrangement. We seem very compatible as roommates, at least on paper (in my opinion).

Bellatrix's avatar

Well I’m glad you care/love about each other @AnonymousWoman and I think you have seen my post in another thread where I say pretty much what you have here. You care about each other but don’t want to be in a romantic relationship.

@AnonymousWoman, if your friend changed his mind and wanted to be in a serious, romantic relationship with you, how would you feel then? Would you want to develop things that way or not? Or what if you changed your mind and developed stronger feelings for him? Would he be open to taking things further? I just wonder if what is holding you back is perhaps commitment fear?

AnonymousWoman's avatar

^ I find you very understanding of this whole thing and I really appreciate it! We have discussed things that might happen if we ever become more serious. It seems that if this ever happens, we would both prefer for it to happen naturally and not have it feel forced. Not only this, but we have also discussed things that might happen if either or both of us ended up getting serious with somebody else. If he developed stronger feelings for me, we may talk about that and see what is the best course of action to take from there. If I develop stronger feelings for him, he does not mind this, as long as I don’t get hurt or get my hopes up for something he is not ready or going to give me. He has also assured me in the past that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. We both went into this knowing that I might fall for him completely and want him for my boyfriend (because of the stereotypes) and were prepared for it to happen, should it ever. For some reason, he also doesn’t seemed phased by the fact that I have friends who said we should just date already. I was nervous about telling him, but did anyway (because I feel weird hiding things like that from him), and he didn’t see what the big deal was that they thought that. Even seemed to think I was silly for thinking he’d be annoyed by it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Legal aged adult children? It’s not about me anymore at that point, they’re on their own to make decisions and accept the bad with the good.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Good news update: He is now my boyfriend. :)

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