Social Question

aggsalmost18's avatar

Why do guys go MIA?

Asked by aggsalmost18 (76 points ) September 6th, 2012

I’m really curious why and how guys can talk to you for a couple weeks or even date you and then suddenly fall off the face of the earth. It seems to be happening more and more, with me and a lot of my friends. I really just want to know why. Guys just say “I’m sorry” and make lame excuses, so what’s going through their brain?!

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17 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

How old are these particular guys?

bookish1's avatar

There are so many humans on the planet. People don’t need each other as much anymore, and so they treat other humans as if they are expendable, options. I get the feeling that social media and especially dating sites encourage us to treat people like this.

jerv's avatar

I second @gailcalled since age does play a big role. Boys tend to be impulsive; men are usually smart/wise enough to know better.

gailcalled's avatar

Often guys that age are still emotionally very immature and don’t have the skills to end things in a grown-up way.

It is easier to skulk away and as you said, make lame excuses when you are 18.

wundayatta's avatar

I have found that women often do not indicate their feelings in a way that men understand. A woman might think she is making it clear she likes a guy, but if she isn’t telling him, then it is likely he isn’t picking up the subtle cues. And even if she is telling him, she may not be saying it in a way he truly believes.

I think that for many men, the physical language speaks most loudly. Yet most women feel they are supposed to stay pure and keep sex out of it for a while. I’m not saying either impulse is right or wrong. Just noting what I believe to be true.

If women don’t speak to men in a language they understand easily, then they must speak to men in a less effective language. That means they have to say it louder, more clearly, and more often.

Most men, I believe, if they aren’t getting a good vibe from a woman, will think they are getting a bad vibe. They will think the woman is turning them down. A woman may think she’s being encouraging and the man may be reading a put down into it. So if the man thinks the woman is telling him no, he will disappear. There’s no need to talk about it. He gets the message. He realizes you don’t like him, and he is out of there.

It’s just a theory, based on my personal experience. This is how it was for me as a young man. I never could tell if a woman liked me. Now I had low self esteem and I couldn’t imagine why any woman would like me, but I suspect there are a lot of guys like that.

In any case, if that is what is going on, then you have to go after the guy and let him know you are interested and you like him and you must pursue him and suggest things to do. I have found that young women sometimes take a pretty passive view about everything with respect to dating. They think it’s up to the guy to do everything, and then just sit there and look pretty.

My suggestion is that you make a more active pursuit of guys you like. If you want them, go get them. Don’t sit and wait and wonder. Reach out. Pick up the damn phone. It’s that think you carry in your purse. Rectangular. It makes a lot of beeps and sounds. Pick it up, punch in his phone number and talk to him.

jerv's avatar

@wundayatta Entirely correct. Men generally don’t do subtle, we don’t think many steps ahead, and basically are not subliminal Machiavellians. Boys even less so.

ucme's avatar

Lets go ask Mrs. Farrow.
There was Frank Sinatra & Andre Previn, then Woody Allen…......

aggsalmost18's avatar

I don’t even know who any of those people are?

downtide's avatar

Any time you notice the same pattern repeated over and over again in your relationships with others, the first thing you should ask is “Is it me?”.

There is something you are doing, or something you are not doing, that is putting these guys off. You need to figure out what that something is.

My guess is that @wundayatta is right – you may be being too subtle and the guys are getting the impression that you’re not interested in them.

aggsalmost18's avatar

But it’s not just me. It’s happening to everybody. I think guys just want to make the girls treat them like their kings while they treat us like crap, but try to turn the situation around to make the girl look like it’s her fault. Just my opinion though.

gailcalled's avatar

^^^ “Everyone” is another of those inaccurate and thus unhelpful categories. Are you talking about a specific subset such as your friends?

aggsalmost18's avatar

My friends but also a lot of girls I don’t even know. Maybe girls are just too dramatic, but I’m always hearing the same thing…that the guy that treated them like a princess at first is now ignoring them. Like I said before, it seems to be getting easier and easier for guys to just walk away. Even though we are still young, I don’t understand how it’s so easy for them, because it’s definitely not easy for the girl.

wundayatta's avatar

My first job out of college (bear with me, this is about how you can handle this problem) was selling ideas door to door. After my first night on my own, I didn’t do well, and my boss asked me what the problem was. I said it was the people. They didn’t like the ideas I was selling.

The subtext was there was nothing I could do.

Buzz! Wrong! My boss said.

She told me that I couldn’t afford to have that attitude or think that. I was blaming the world for what was wrong, and as long as I did that, I couldn’t change anything.

This was a problem, because we were in the business of social change.

Eventually, I learned how to study my own attitude and the vibe I was projecting, and I learned to take a proactive stance that allowed me to change my luck. If people were against my ideas, I had the power to change them, by applying my own energy and positivity.

Do you see where I am going? It is never helpful to blame the problem on others. You can say that guys all go MIA, but that doesn’t help you. If you want guys to stay with you, it will be much more helpful if you find positive things you can to turn the situation around.

As I suggested before, if they disappear, you can go after them. You don’t have to treat them like kings to go after them. In fact, that probably won’t work. But you can treat them like they are equal people. Treat them as you would a friend. Reach out to them, instead of waiting for them to reach out to you. Suggest to them what you want to do instead of always waiting on them. Tell them what you want instead of hoping they’ll suggest something you want.

I don’t know how you relate to men. I don’t know what you mean by drama. I don’t know what makes you think boys want to be treated like kinds. As far as I know, only Chinese boys in China could get away with that. In the US, boys have to prove something or else they won’t get any girls.

So I think there’s something about your own attitude that you could change that would make you more successful. In fact, I know you could change things and become more successful. You just refuse to complain, and start taking positive steps to get what you want.

Taciturnu's avatar

If it’s what I think it is, then it’s happened to me with grown men in their 30’s and 40’s.

Everything is going wonderfully, he seems like he’s really into you, then he stops calling or texting with nearly the same frequency. Send one message, let them know you’re thinking of them then resist the urge to communicate until they reach out to you. Sometimes men close themselves off temporarily when they start gaining some attachment. They just need to sort their feelings out and see where they want things to go. If you don’t hear from them in a week or week and a half, it should be a done deal.

aggsalmost18's avatar

So it doesn’t change as they get older?! GREAT _

jerv's avatar

No, but as you get wiser, they are easier to spot and avoid.

aggsalmost18's avatar

I sure hope you’re right

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