@tups It’s hard to know what you are talking about. You clearly are struggling to express and idea, but you don’t seem able to focus in on it.
What I get is that you are experiencing a feeling. It sounds like a kind of dissatisfaction. I would label it as an existential feeling akin to the what is the meaning of life feeling. It reminds me of that sense that there’s some secret out there and maybe other people have it, but you don’t know what it is and it is tantalizingly close but it seems to stay away, always dancing just out of reach.
So it’s more a feeling than anything concrete. It could be motivation. It could be direction. It could be meaning. Or maybe Meaning with a capital M.
And this, I think is what others are responding to, since they talk about being instead of searching. You reject this. You insist that you are already being. But you’re looking, too.
It’s hard to know. My experience with this feeling is similar to others. When I was able to relax and get into what I was doing, that need to be doing something else slowly disappeared. The meaning and the something more are all about being fully into what our lives are now. Be Here Now, they say.
You may think you are here, but it’s kind of hard to have this feeling that you seem to be describing if you really are here. So perhaps you are living in your head somehow.
I don’t know how old you are, but this is the kind of feeling that often happens in your twenties. You can’t see your path so well. It could go anywhere, and that is disquieting.
When we get older, that feeling can happen again, particularly in the forties and fifties during the so-called “Midlife crisis.” Only then it’s usually different because you have work that has played out and kids that have left the house and now you face that same choice: whither now? The same openness. The same uncertainty.
Our minds love to worry. We like to think around and around things, especially big questions of life. My feeling is that that is a kind of entertainment. We like to be fraught so life seems intense, like it matters. In then end, it only matters to ourselves and maybe a few hundred or thousand friends, family members and colleagues. If you want to judge yourself that way, you can, but you’ll probably look bad.
It’s best not to judge yourself, I think. It’s best to follow ones impulses, but also to be kind and caring to others. If you are kind, others appreciate it, and they will make it easier for you to do what you want. So serving others comes first. It is both rewarding and it helps you figure out what you want/need to do.
Your path will unfold before you. If you think you’re supposed to do something, then you are thinking with your parents’ or teachers’ minds. You can listen if you want, but I think their guidance can be pretty onerous. Rather, it is better to seek and seek, being open to knowledge. Trust that in the seeking you will find that which turns out to be important to you. When you find it, allow it to sink into you, instead of feeling you must always seek. Be your future now and this feeling will dissolve as if it never existed.
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