Social Question

Shippy's avatar

If everybody is talking about me, should I worry that I do not care?

Asked by Shippy (9852 points ) September 26th, 2012

To keep this short, and not send you all to sleep. I sold my home a while ago, in order to move and secure funds for treatment. (I am Bipolar).

I bumped into a “friend” of mine, I say friend, but she is a person I know through another person I wish I had never met. But really don’t want to get off topic.

This women is in property, so she said no way in hell am I signing this agreement. It is far too low. I took her on, as she seems like a good sales person and I wouldn’t mind extra cash (of course).

Another friend of mine, also in property, said to me, that I should never have divulged the urgency of my sale, and the need for funds. Since their meetings regards this property would be focused on “the client is ill, mentally ill, and need the funds”.

She then proceeded to tell me that the news would be all over town. I don’t care? Should I care? Why does it matter? I would really like to know why it does matter what people think of you. I have Bipolar I need funds, what is so rotten about this? Have I distanced myself so far from humanity that their opinions matter not one iota? I am kind of concerned regards my lack of insight if this is the case?

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30 Answers

marinelife's avatar

I do not care what people think or say about me either. It is very freeing. You should celebrate it.

Mariah's avatar

I think it is awesome you have not allowed these people to make you feel shame about being bipolar. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

JLeslie's avatar

As far as selling your house, people who know it is an urgent selling situation will try to offer very low bids. It’s not so much they know your mental status, it is just that they know you are in a desperate situation as a seller. If you are willing to take low bids and get the sale done woth, then it does not matter. Usually terms that are used are things like “motivated seller” without disclosing why. There are several sitautions that people are desperate to sell fast, divorce, death, even corporate moves. Personally I think it prudent not to disclose why exactly you are selling, but certainly you can advertise as motivated, and if asked why you can say you need the equity out of the house for personal reasons.

wonderingwhy's avatar

I agree you shouldn’t imply urgency in the sale it makes negotiations harder because the buyer can potentially use it as leverage. But other than making sure you get the best price for your home, which is in your agent’s best interest as well so I don’t expect they’ll be saying anything, I’m really not sure why you should care. You are what you are, not what the opinions of others say you are. Good luck with your sale.

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie Thanks for that, so in this case any suggestions on how I can rewind on that score? As ironically I am not that fussed if I sell or not, recently my home business took off. Of course I still need to and want to, but not as desperate as before. Would love any feedback.

Coloma's avatar

No, the fact that you don’t care means you have decent enough self esteem and don’t allow yourself to be swayed by others opinions. Personally if I was home shopping and was looking at a hardship sale, I would still make a reasonable offer and not low ball to gain on anothers misfortune, but that’s just me, I would feel like a lowlife submitting a rock bottom, insulting offer.
Real estate is cut throat, and regardless, it matters not, you are still free to accept or reject any offers regardless of whatever disclosures you have made.

gailcalled's avatar

How big is town? Fire your realtor and find another who is not a “friend.” Have him or her set a reasonable asking price. The usual language is a vague “Buyer is eager to sell.”

You are the boss; these people work for you.

Keep your buddies and your business transactions separate.

JLeslie's avatar

@Shippy Just don’t mention it going forward and the “rumour” if out there will fade somewhat. Don’t worry about it, really. Whatever is done is done. Seriously, don’t dwell for a second. Are you listing with your friend then? Or, is the house listed with someone else right now? If you are still working on that offer, just send back a counter offer and see what the potential buyers do. Even when it is known a seller needs to sell, the seller still can negotiate.

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie I gave sole mandate to the first lady, well it was joint between my other friend and her. But I found out that my friend, was no longer listed to a company she was hoping to do a private sale. I have notified the fist property lady, that I was unaware for example that ruled me out as a private seller. As I have had a lot of cash offers. (I know a lot of investors). But doesn’t mean to say that they will purchase. She may cancel sole mandate due to cooling off period.

I am trying to stay positive and understand the property lady that is now sole mandate is a “piranha” which of course will work in my favor. !!

JLeslie's avatar

@Shippy I don’t understand what sole mandate means in this context. Where do you live? I think I have asked you before, but nothing sticks in my brain. Are you saying you have a realtor listing your property and she has the sole right to sell it? Most contracts would have a way to dissolve the relationship, but sometimes there is a fee to do so. You may not need to do that though, because if she is a representative of yours, most likely she has a fiduciary responsibility to you along with confidentiality, meaning if you tell her not to disclose you are bipolar, she must abide by that going forward.

gailcalled's avatar

OP is living currently in South Africa and planning to move to the UK (Edinburgh, if I remember correctly…I am doing this from memory.)

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie Yes sole mandate meaning only her company can sell my property for a specified time. To get me to sign that, shows the caliber of person she is. I am not an easy sign! Although maybe scrap that remark, lately I have been too easy all round! @gailcalled yes correct.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, you don’t have to sign any agreements of sale. You can take your house off the market and wait a little bit before selling. No one can force you to sell now, although, of course, there is your financial situation. But if your business is earning you enough to fix the apartment and pay your health care bills, then you do have leeway. And I thought you didn’t really want to move, anyway.

As to your mental status being “all over town,” I would not be happy about that. There are different schools of thought on this. On the one hand, people think that we should be “out” about our mental illnesses in order to show people that mentally ill people are all over the place and that we should be treated as perfectly capable members of society (when we are well).

My thinking is that this is pie in the sky thinking. There is no way that people will ever come to understand that you can be mentally ill and then you can be well and recovered and it’s all over. They will always remember, and always judge you in the light of your illness, and never forget.

People have all kinds of prejudices about the mentally ill. They think we are irresponsible. They think we will always try to get out of responsibility for something by blaming our illnesses. They don’t believe we might truly make bad decisions from illness. They think we are just faking it. They think we could pull ourselves out of it if we wanted to. They think we are mean because we are mean, not because of the illness.

They just don’t know how to tell if we are ourselves or if we are sick. So it is better just to not have anything to do with us. It is like we are criminals from prison. They won’t hire us if they find out.

So I’m not telling. No one in my life, except my wife, children, and a few, selected friends know. My workplaces doesn’t know. My neighbors don’t know. My parents and siblings don’t know. One uncle knows, although now I’m regretting having told him. Fuck it. Maybe he told my parents. But now they can know and not admit that they know.

You’re out, and you have to deal with that now. You have to be an exemplary citizen, I think. Ick. I’d hate that. I’d always be wondering what people are thinking of me. Well, nothing you can do about it. Just fuck ‘em. You can’t afford to care about what they think. I guess, in a way, that’s freeing. You can just be out there. As crazy as you want to be.

I have a friend who is like that. To his detriment, I think. He’s always putting his craziness in their faces, even lawyers and judges who want to help him. Even doctors who want to help him. He has a self-destructive bent, I think. Nothing I can do about it. But I do admire how he tells everyone how it is, and makes his jokes, and if they don’t get it, or misunderstand him, he doesn’t care, even though it hurts his cause.

I can’t do that. He uses his illness as an excuse to be who he is, which is fine. He is very smart, and he never gives anyone any quarter on that. He uses literary references and makes fun of people if they don’t get it. He intimidates people with his intelligence. Especially those who think they are smart, like lawyers representing him in his divorce. He won’t try to take their point of view. So, while it’s obvious to him his ex-wife’s accusations are nonsense, he doesn’t understand why it isn’t obvious to the judge. He makes jokes designed to put people on the defensive. Why? I guess it’s the only power he has.

He also does that with women. He seems very hateful and disrespectful to women, which works to get him laid, oddly enough, and then works to get rid of them. All so they can’t get close to him, emotionally. He doesn’t trust a soul to be close to him. Maybe me, a little. I can’t imagine him telling anyone else the stuff he tells me, but he knows that I both care and don’t care. So he can tell me deep stuff and I’ll listen and care, but I won’t make a big deal out of it. I don’t want anything from him, except someone to understand my own shit that no one else understands.

So he’s one example of how you can be out about your illness. I’m another. In a way, it’s kind of polar opposites and I’m sure there’s a range of behavior inbetween. I can’t say what’s best. Just that if you’re out, you might as well be really out. If you do move to GB, you can be closeted again.

If you can make it while being out, I’d rather be like that. Then you can be publicly crazy and people expect it, and you can get away with all kinds of outrageous shit. If I had no family, I think I’d do that. If I had no family and no job. I’d do that. But I’m not that badly off, and I have shit to protect, so that’s what I do. Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a chicken. But I am self protective because I can be and I like my creature comforts. If I ever lose them… who knows? God. What a relief it would be, I think, to say everything I think in real life.

JLeslie's avatar

@Shippy Honestly, I don’t see a problem with it. She has the sole mandate (in the states we say exclusive right) to list, market and receive commission for the sale of your property. That is usually how these things work. The only thing that can be a proble here is sometimes the contract does not state how the comission split will be. For instance, if you are willing to pay a total of 6%, some contracts in the states allow the listing/selling agent to decide how much to offer to the buyers agent. Some contract specifically say an even split 3% and 3%, sometimes the slit is different. For instance for friends and family I have done 1% 3% split, so my friends only pay a total of 4% and the buyer’s agent still makes the typical/competitive 3% in my market.

Shippy's avatar

Well I hear you @wundayatta in some places it does matter. Employment perhaps. But then you have to be honest don’t you? It’s a matter of disclosure? A lot of employment offices will ask you if you have any mental illness, physical illness or are on medication. If so what for? For me my ship so to speak was sunk. I am well known in my industry. I fell, flat on my face. The whole of my industry knows. I really don’t care, I never want to go back there ever again. In fact it caused me to become sicker.

My neighbors know, because they saw what happened to me, so do my friends. Some vanished, some stayed. It really doesn’t matter to me at all. Because of all this I am on a different path altogether in life, and I am loving it! I have found precious jewels, in people who I know love me unconditionally, not many I admit. But a rich man can count five true friends, I have more. I just don’t buy into life and it’s ignorance. And if you find my illness fascinating different or odd, then stuff off I say! Not you, them. (To clarify).

Reminds me of the old days, when I was dating a woman. My mother told me “So and so at work still like you, even though you are gay!”. I said to my mom “That’s nice but do I like her?”.

JLeslie's avatar

@Shippy The only thing that occurs to me about you not caring is mania can kind of induce a state of not caring if you know what I mean? It is usually a very selfish, self endulgent place, and so I would just warn that it can be part of your diagnosis. On the other hand, not giving a shit in general about what others think I generally believe to be a good thing. Worry about what others think is wasted energy most of the time.

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie I do care about the people closest to me ? Oddly I know little about Bipolar, I don’t know why, as I could have searched loads of the Net. I don’t get mania apparently, I get hyper mania, which I think is irritation and aggression. As I am BP2 not BP1. But there is a hint or irritation when I think about people and if I do care or not, so maybe.

JLeslie's avatar

Do you mean hypo mania? I have never heard of hyper mania, but I am not a medical professional; neither psych nor any other kind, so my knowledge is limited. Here is a link for you.

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie Yes loll, shows how much I know.

Shippy's avatar

@JLeslie Read your link, not so sure, yes I get those, but I also get highly aggressive, argumentative and down right awful. So I’m a bit confused now. I have become catatonic in the past. Where I didn’t move once for about three days. My psychiatrist admits to a large extent I confuse her. I felt that feeling come over me the other night. Where there was almost a door in my head, if I entered it, I would never come back. It scared me. I don’t understand that at all.

JLeslie's avatar

If you search bipolar on our site you can find several discussions regarding the topic if you are interested.

Jeruba's avatar

I love your question. It sounds pretty down-to-earth to me. No, I don’t think you should worry, although this is strictly a layperson’s opinion. Go on about your business and never mind what they’re saying as long as it harms no one.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@Shippy, I care. What people think about me is important. It’s not life-or-death important, but it has ramifications. As far as potential buyers knowing about my bipolar diagnosis, I care a lot. It’s absolutely none of their business. They don’t need to know why I might be selling my place.

But you asked if you should care. I don’t know. I don’t know the culture in S.A. I don’t know what people there think about mental illness.

I understand you extremely well when you talk about the fact that many of your friends left you when they found out you were bipolar. Besides family, I can count on 2 hands the number of people who have found out my diagnosis and have decided to remain friends with me. All the others left. All of them.

Maybe that tells me that mental illness carries a bad stigma in the States. Maybe it tells me that those people who used to be my friends were actually small minded. The answer may be a mixture.

The question still remains whether you should care. On an important basic level, no, you should not. You are you. You are not your diagnosis. You are a living, breathing human deserving of respect and love just like all others.

On other levels, I keep my diagnosis private. Not everyone I meet needs to know my medical history.

If—that’s a big if—a potential buyer comes forward and makes an offer simply because they know you’re desperate to sell because of your mental diagnosis, you can tell them you need to return to the UK for treatment and accept.

Or you can decline the offer and cite the rise in your business prospects in S.A.

It appears to me you are in control of your selling situation. That’s a good place to be.

Good luck to you.

AlaskanNobody's avatar

I’m not certain I even understand your question! IS it a question? You feel the need to seek treatment for a disorder, and of course, should do so if you think it’s a correct diagnosis. In the US, many people today are getting 2nd and 3rd opinions about the ‘bipolar 1’ dx because it became the “diagnosis du jour” and found they were actually reading up and then living the symptoms! It IS a mood disorder, and we can control our moods quite a bit so… first, get more opinions before uprooting yourself from familiar surroundings to “get treatment.” For one thing, the only treatment for this disorder are oral medicatoins and talk therapy – neither of whch are expensive or hard to find anywhere in any Euro-American community. Personally, I would never tell anyone anything that personal – especially when it concerns a mental illness. People are incredibly ignorant about the entire matter and often have no idea that they do NOT know what they’re even talking about! Save yourself, your reputation, etc from harm – say nothing. It’s none of their business, but be SURE you have more than one physician’s opinion, and do not go in to the 2nd or 3rd letting them know of the 1st opinion. Let them figure it out on their own.

I don’t see why you would need to sell your entire home to get treatment – anywhere! From what I’ve read, you are located in a country with nationalized medicine and don’t need to pay cash as you go, like in the USA (although even here, we have mental health clinics for all, on a sliding scale fee). If you ARE bipolar, and are doing this in a manic phase… STOP NOW. WAIT. The mood swings can make you do some pretty stupid things – in hindsight. Don’t lose your home because you jus “think” it’s the right thing to do NOW… it may not be when you balance out! Give is six months, THEN see how you feel about it.

Not caring about what others think can be a form of denial as well as apathy, It is often seen when a person is depressed. Or, you just may not give a flying flip what anyone ever thinks and youv’ve always been like that! :-) I find that hard to buy though. We all have a bit of care regarding our place in society. The depth we do or do not care is the key. Best of luck!

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@AlaskanNobody : It IS a mood disorder, and we can control our moods quite a bit…

With that logic, all mental illness is the fault of the sufferer. I call that malarkey.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

“It IS a mood disorder, and we can control our moods quite a bit so…”

I don’t understand, if we can control our moods then there is no bipolar and those who have “mood swings” are just out of control because they want to and they make the decision to do so. So it’s all drama? I don’t mean to be harsh but that cancels out your next comment, “people are incredibly ignorant about the entire matter…”

wundayatta's avatar

The OP’s national health system is national in name only. She lives in a country where you really don’t want to use the public system, if you don’t have to. So you need private insurance or to pay on your own in order to see private doctors. This country is also kind of backwards with respect to mental illness. A lot of stigma. It seems to me that there are some good reasons there to want to move to a country that treats mental illnesses more effectively and compassionately.

Adagio's avatar

Harry Nilsson wrote a song about it…

Shippy's avatar

@AlaskanNobody There were some good points in your post, I too believe Bipolar is bandied around, particularly if you are on private medical insurance. It is a way to get claims paid. I was diagnosed by two different psychiatrists. The second is old school, very slow to diagnose. I have seen her for a over a year (when I could still afford to) before she made a decision. She had told me before she was reserved about any diagnosis. I went the other day, to get my scripts. She chatted to me for about an hour. The said “You do accept you are Bipolar?” I was quite shocked. As no I don’t. But if you ask me to explain why I am doing a lot of the things I am doing I cant tell you. For me the mania seem very low on my problem list, its the anxiety and depression that is killing me.

The question was an acute irritation that I “should” care what society at large think or individuals. Of course I do care, about people and particularly certain people. Oddly care about what Fluther thinks of me, I cannot explain that either. But the part I cannot change is what they think of “me”. My height, my hair color, my age, my illness, and which shoes I wear. (Unless I am at church and are wearing stripper platforms). Then I do care. I also care about being appropriate,because a lot of the time I feel I say strange things. Then think about it afterwards and feel awful. I also don’t like to hurt people at all. Not even strangers.

I will have to stabilize before I go, so good point. Mostly the anxiety and panic. I am still trying to keep this boat afloat here, so that my move is smooth and not something that shatters me into little pieces. I am currently relying on Fluther and the Net in general for that. I also do not see my “illness” as an excuse for bad behavior and that alone eats me up. If I make a snarky comment I don’t like myself much afterward.I don’t expect any different treatment than anyone else and am the first to apologize.

Perhaps that puts my question into perspective? It would have just read too long to write all this. Also before, the me, before this me, I was a people pleaser. I spent a lifetime pleasing. I am so glad that has gone. But it has gone with a vengeance. My psychiatrist is very rude to me actually, She finds me confusing, and doesn’t know how to treat me? Her own words. As she feels there is something else? Also worry s me, but I trust her judgment. When she finally decides as she said there are other things “wrong”. Not nice to confuse your psychiatrist when you are confused yourself. She is some forty years in the business!

wundayatta's avatar

@Shippy Thanks for sharing that. Useful information.

I am not sure that any kind of precise diagnosis is useful. It certainly doesn’t help that much with meds. So I think a more generic diagnosis—ie., as vague as it could be bipolar or could be schizophrenia or could be depression or could be schizo-affective or on and on—is sufficient to take action on. You’ll still be trying many of the same meds, no matter what the diagnosis, since they don’t know which ones work with which diagnoses and sets of symptoms.

I’m actually part of a study now to see if Lithium can be linked to any specific genetic markers. That’s where they are at. They still don’t know. Not even close.

But if you’ve got something “in the ballpark” then you’ve got something that needs treating, and the treatment options are always the same: experiment with drugs until you find something that works, and experiment with therapists until you find one that works.

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