Our college aged daughter is struggling, what insight might you offer? (Details inside)

Asked by gimmedat (3951) October 21st, 2012 from iPhone

This is an abbreviated version of events over the last year.

When our freshman daughter came home for summer, she got drunk, fell off a bed, suffered a closed head injury and revealed A LOT about the struggles she’d had in her first year at school. She was given consequences including coming home every weekend from school to avoid lots of sorority functions and work to pay off her medical bills. She’s been doing so since August and has said she understands why she’s made to come home and work weekends. She also made the promise that alcohol was not a problem an that she would be more responsible.

While home this weekend, she asked permission to go to a large fraternity function here in town, not at the school. I would pick her up from the event this morning to ensure that she got to work on-time and met that responsibility. I thought this would be a great opportunity to show us that he could earn back some trust and that she respects our expectations I mean, really, if she knew her mother would pick her up at 7 AM, she surely would be responsible. Well, when I got there this morning, she had obviously been drinking. I was spitting nails mad and assured her that she would see greater consequences than those from the summer episode. I did make her go to work – feeling crappy and all.

My husband and I spoke about the latest episode and are really struggling with why to do from here. One of the things my husband wants to do is go to our daughter’s sorority and talk to the house mom about his concerns about our daughter and alcohol as well as to the fraternity she was with last night to talk to the house mom about of age members providing alcohol to minors. I’m just not sure that’s a good idea. My husband is quite intimidating. I’m not sure that he will maintain his composure and I’m upset that he wants to make this other students’ issue when in fact it’s our daughter who is making the poor choices. Our daughter is distraught with the prospect of her dad going to the houses, and has said that she will have nothing to do with him because of his over-bearing ways. I’m at a loss. I’m stuck between the two of them. I want to back my husband, but I don’t want to totally alienate the girl.

Bottom line…would you be OK with your spouse making his/her presence known to the sorority/fraternity as a way to run interference with a struggling kid? BTW…she does have additional consequences, I just haven’t detailed them here.

Sorry for the length of the post and I appreciate the insight.