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nailpolishfanatic's avatar

NSFW - What is your opinion on this relationship?

Asked by nailpolishfanatic (6597 points ) October 26th, 2012

The past couple of days a lot of things have been going through my mind and one of them is the fact that my boyfriend has Chlamydia. We’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now and when we got to the sex talk I asked him if he could go for checking to see if he had any STD’s just so I would be sure before doing anything with him.
His results came out positive and he’s put to medication for the next two weeks.

A month ago I asked another question on here concerning him, you can see it here. There is all the info of him and I’m just wondering if after those two weeks, is it safe for me to sleep with him? Of course I will use protection because I’m not getting any of that Chlamydia!

What are your suggestions and please I beg you, don’t judge.

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29 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Just be sure and use protection until he gets a clean bill of health.

Also, if it was me, I would not sleep with him if he was also sleeping with others at the same time.

Shippy's avatar

You seem to be asking a lot of different people what they think of the relationship. What do I think? I think he sounds like a great guy. He is dealing with his issues. He is open to discussion regards certain things, that could harm you like STD’s. Some guys would never discuss that despite having a so called ‘clean’ past. You can know some people for years and yet know nothing about them. I like the sound of him, that’s my opinion.

gailcalled's avatar

Sexual partners must be treated to prevent passing the infection back and forth. There is no significant immunity following the infection and a person may become repeatedly infected.

A follow-up evaluation may be done in 4 weeks to determine if the infection has been cured.

Source

livelaughlove21's avatar

After two weeks of taking the medication (I’m assuming Doxycycline or something similar) like he should, he will be good to go. And with protection, the risk of you getting Chlamydia is low once he’s been treated. If you want to be extra safe, have him go back to the doctor to be retested. If a doctor gives him the go-ahead to have sex again, you should be fine. Luckily, Chlamydia is treatable.

I’m assuming his tests were negative for everything else, but I’m curious as to what exactly he was tested for. I’m asking because, before we got married, my husband took it upon himself to go get tested for STDs. We had already been sexually active for a few years, and monogamous, but we always used protection and he wanted to be certain he didn’t have anything that I might get once we toss the condoms and try to have babies. I didn’t find out until later that you have to ask specifically for certain tests – such as those for herpes or HPV – or unless the patient presenting symptoms. Men are known for not showing symptoms for many many STDs, so just because he may not have any sores/blisters/warts right now, that doesn’t mean he can’t pass the infection to you. And, unlike Chlamydia, there’s no cure for herpes or HPV. So that’s just a heads up for you. I’d also make sure he was tested for HIV considering he’s had so many sex partners in the past.

I think it’s very mature of you to ask him to get tested before having sex with him, though. You don’t want to get an STD from your first sexual partner. Not a good way to kick off the ‘ole sex life. However, I noticed in your last question you stated that, considering his age of 22, 20 sex partners isn’t all that many. I disagree. I’m 22 and married to 23 year old man and, while I was a virgin when we met, he has had a few sexual partners since he lost his virginity at 14. Nowhere near 20 though. That’s quite a lot. I’m not trying to be judgmental, because I know he had a drinking problem and, yes, he may be on the road to recovery and ready to settle down, but just don’t fool yourself into thinking 20 sex partners isn’t a lot. All it takes is one person to give you something you’ll be stuck with your entire life.

I know your age difference isn’t all that much, but considering he’s been through so much at such a young age and you’re still a virgin with very little, if any, relationship experience, I feel the need to warn you to tread lightly. You may find that you have very little in common with this guy. How long have you known him? I’m not saying all virgins should wait 6 months to have sex with their partner like I did, but waiting isn’t a bad thing to consider, especially if you’re concerned that he may just be interested in sex.

If you’re having any reservations at all, just wait a little longer until you’re sure this is what you want. You only lose your virginity once. You don’t want to look back and regret it.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Listen to @livelaughlove21 . She is wise beyond her years.

wundayatta's avatar

Losing your virginity is not always a special thing. In fact, I think it’s putting an awful lot of pressure on a guy to expect it to be special. In my opinion, making love is special, period. We should put the same amount of effort into it every time. The first time should be no different. I would not want to think I needed to make special memories.

There’s another reason not to think of it as so special. That is because so often, it is not. And then you set yourself up for what you hope is a great experience and then you are nervous and dry and it hurts and the guy goes too fast, and anything else that could go wrong. Now it’s blown up in your face. Where are you?

So I think it is a bad idea to think of virginity as special compared any other time you make love. They should all be equally special, in my opinion.

I think sex is probably the most important experience one can have with a lover. Or maybe in life. If this is a person you love and you want to express your love physically, then get prepared and do it. Don’t expect fireworks the first time, but keep on doing it. Practice makes perfect…. or at leasst better, and when you get good, it is an amazing thing. Hopefully it will be good the first time, but it probably won’t be. But it will get good eventually, if you love each other and communicate with each other and want to make each other feel good.

Shippy's avatar

I’m with @wundayatta on this one. Losing ones virginity shouldn’t be the basis of or foundation of something out of this world. Particularly for example if you were abused as a kid. Or it has been ripped from you viciously. Far too much importance is placed on virginity. Not enough on honesty, caring, communication and the heart and soul of a person.Plus that persons intentions with you.

_Whitetigress's avatar

Please, please, please. Do not perform sexual acts with him.
Think about your body in the long run. Really think about it.
Chlamydia is the result of promiscuity and reckless research of partners.
I personally don’t want you do have sex with this person. Why? Because although I am a stranger to you, I have a heart, I’m seeing the black and white of this, I am an alien to your world, not judging character, but calculating the risks here. The potential of you getting an STD from him, is extremely high.
If he loves you, he’ll respect that. If you love yourself, you’ll respect your body.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@_Whitetigress That’s a little extreme. Yes, STDs are serious and yes, the OP should take every precaution before having sex with someone. But if people refused to have sex with anyone who’s ever had an STD, slim pickings would be an understatement. Sooo many people have been in these situations before. Ok, the man in question has a history of promiscuity, but all it takes is one sex partner to get something. And having an STD does not make someone a leper or less worthy of love/sex/etc. I think the OP is fortunate that her beau was open and honest about his past and was willing to get tested before having sex – because not everyone would. Many, if not most, people have had sex with someone who has or once had an STD without ever knowing about it. “I had chlamydia when I was 18” isn’t really something one brags about to sexual partners when he or she is 30, and they have no obligation to. Unless you have an STD at the time of the sex, it’s irrelevant.

Buttonstc's avatar

Why the big rush to sleep with him? Why not wait until he is medically cleared?

Plus, as someone else mentioned, have you actually seen the lab report so that you know WHICH diseases have been tested?

Chlamidya is one that’s been on the rise as of late, so no surprise there. But what about the rest. Regardless of condoms, one can still catch Herpes. And has he been tested for HPV? it doesn’t affect males but can be potentially deadly for females since there is such a high correlation between the HPV virus and endometrial and cervical cancer.

Have you been vaccinated against HPV yet? It’s not 100% guarantee, but every sexually active female should get it IMHO (and the opinion of the medical profession)

Also check to see how long after the shot before protection level is reached.

In addition to HIV, HPV is also a virus which you want to avoid getting ever in your lifetime (and it’s possible to do so) since the eventual results are eventually deadly.

Just remember that when you have sex with anyone, it is the medical equivalent of having slept with every previous person with whom they have had sex, in terms of disease transmission. And 20 is a lot. I have no idea why you’re in such a rush to be number 21 (and my guess is there were likely more than 20. When people are drinking to excess, they don’t have the most capable memory. You’ve heard of alcoholic blackouts?)

You asked for opinions on the relationship so here’s mine fwiw. There are far better choices out there than this guy for someone with your youth and lack of experience. But I don’t expect you’re going to listen to all the cautionary voices who’ve weighed in so far. So take precautions for yourself.

Are you aware that one of the most frequent characteristics of alcoholics and addicts is how charming and manipulative they are? Probably not. And this is not a characteristic that magically disappears with 3 short years of sobriety. It takes a longer time spent in self honesty practice than that.

But if you are as determined as you seem to be to make yourself vulnerable to this guy, there is one thing I wish you would take the time to do for your own sake and protection (and while waiting for the STD to clear up gives you that time)

Go BY YOURSELF to an AA meeting. (there are what’s called open meetings where anybody can attend.) You can find which meetings in your area are classified as open simply by calling the phone number listed for AA in the phone book.

After the meeting, ask a friendly person to introduce you to a few longtime group members with the longest track record of sobriety (AT LEAST 10 years).

Explain your situation to them and ask what advice they could give you, if any. Are there any red flags they think you should watch out for? Ask them if they feel comfortable sharing about their relationship successes or failures.

There is a lot of wisdom in these groups, especially from oldtimers in sobriety (old enough to be your father.) and there are usually a few in every group. FIND THEM. ASK.

They’ve down this road. They may have helpful advice for you that none of us could give.

If you were going to be involved with someone with any other serious disease (MS,Diabetes, cancer, PTSD, amputation or whatever) I would be giving you similar advice. You need to educate yourself as much as possible so that you know what to expect. That’s just being smart about things.

And make no mistake about it. Alcoholism and adfiction is a lifelong disease subject to relapse througout someones lifetime. The ONLY treatment is continuous abstinence. There is no cure. Similar to Diabetes, it can be managed with vigilance but there is no cure.

Developing cross addictions to OTHER substances is not unusual. Even pot smoking is out of the question for an alcoholic to maintain sobriety. And even medically prescribed painkillers can potentially become abused in a surprisingly short amount of time.

Many people are unaware of all this. You cannot afford to be unaware. If he falls back into addiction, it wrecks up your life in countless ways.

Please do yourself a favor and get some advice from others with experience. You have nothing to lose. You have little reason to take the word of strangers on the Internet like us here. But someone who has logged in 10 years or more in AA has something no one else does (including your boyfriend) namely LONGTERM EXPERIENCE with both sobriety and it’s opposite.

That is very valuable experience for someone who is a neophyte. Please do yourself a favor and seek out those with that experience. It could benefit your life enormously.

Young people have the idea that love conquers all. That’s not the case with addiction. Love alone is usually not enough. Wisdom is also necessary. Please, for your own sake, go get some wisdom from those who’ve been there. You’d be amazed at how willing AA people are to help a perfect stranger (especially one who could be their own daughter). They really are a great bunch.

If you are determined to be involved with this guy, please be smart and educate yourself about his disease.

Buttonstc's avatar

@livelaugh

But not all STDs are alike nor as benign as you like to think.

Yes, Chlamidya is basically curable and relatively short lived.

Bit I’m willing to bet they didn’t test him for HPV since it doesnt really affect males that much.

But it can very well be an eventual death sentence for women because of it’s high percentage link to reproductive cancers. Do your own research on that.

In some ways HPV can kill quicker than HIV because these types of women’s cancers are so difficult to detect in the early stages. By the time they’re found it’s basically too late.

Not all STDs are only temporary or benign.

Buttonstc's avatar

BTW

Does he have a sponsor? Ask him.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Buttonstc I’m very aware of that. If you look at my first answer to this question, I warned the OP about Pretty much the same exact thing. But telling her “please please please never have sex with him” is still extreme. If it turns out that it was just chlamydia, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t have sex with him if she chooses to.

Buttonstc's avatar

You’re right. Sorry I overlooked the earlier post which was yours. On long threads, I frequently forget who wrote what in the earlier parts :) need more brain food. Or brains :)

I’m not in the “don’t ever have sex with him ” camp either since she’s pretty much made up her mind about that and as long as she’s had the HPV vaccine, I’m a whole lot more concerned about his alcohol history. There is no “cure” for that either. Just lifelong sobriety management and vigilance.

Relapse is extremely common among young addicts and there’s a lot she needs to learn about so it doesn’t derail her life as well.

I don’t mean in terms of her becoming addicted to booze or drugs, but more about her becoming addicted to him and being unable to pull the plug when necessary.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21

You stated, “But if people refused to have sex with anyone who’s ever had an STD…”

Let me finish this sentence for you, ”...Then their risk of getting an STD is greatly reduced!”

I understand what you mean. You’re in the corner of, “Give STD’s a Chance” (ok this is me just playing along the lyrics of John Lennon’s, “Give Peace a Chance.” But unlike peace, obtaining an STD at this point is far more realistic. Not to mention, Ah-hem, Chlamydia isn’t something that should be taken lightly.

It’s easy to say, “Oh yeah, go ahead and have sex with a guy who has Chlamydia, just use protection.” It’s hard to say, “Fuck no don’t have sex with that guy, catching Chlamydia can cause you from ever having your own children.”

livelaughlove21's avatar

@_Whitetigress No one is telling her to just have sex with him while he’s infected, are they? Nope. But once he’s treated, he’s treated, and he’ll no longer be contagious. But saying NEVER have sex with ANYONE who’s ever had an STD is ridiculous and unrealistic.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21

“But saying NEVER have sex with ANYONE who’s ever had an STD is ridiculous and unrealistic.”

Not in my opinion. Actually I believe in quite the opposite. I believe avoid that person and move on. Not worth it in my book.

I’m curious though, you have strong feelings towards this situation. Do you know what Chlamydia is, and how it is treated? Do you believe it goes away and that he is then cured?

Shippy's avatar

@_Whitetigress One would never know really would they? If they are having intercourse with a person who is currently infected or has been infected in the past. Some people are unlucky and get something from one encounter, and not from multiple partners. As it takes one person to infect you. I just think that honesty regards this, counts a lot. It shows that this person for e.g. in this case is not afraid to face the consequences of their actions, and takes full responsibility. How can one be judged for that.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@_Whitetigress Yes, I know what Chlamydia is. It’s a treatable, curable bacterial infection that can be killed with antibiotics. If someone is treated, and preferably retested to be sure, they are no longer contagious. Chlamydia is one of the most common STDs out there.

One does not get a red C placed onto their genitals if they are ever infected to ward off future sex partners. Unless told, you’d never know they ever had it.

And no, my “strong feelings” toward this don’t have personal roots. I’ve never had an STD and neither has my one sex partner, aka my husband. I just know it’s incredibly naive to think that you could ever really know for sure if someone has had an STD that was diagnosed and treated in the past. And I think it’s really narcissistic to label those who have as people to stay far away from.

Lucky you if it’s never happened to you, but all it takes is ONE mistake. Treating it like it somehow makes them less of a person speaks poorly of you, not them.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Ok?

“Treating it like it somehow makes them less of a person speaks poorly of you, not them.”

This is your own opinion. I’ve never said anything of this sort.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Don’t be naive about this situation. The guy is obviously trying to get “some.”

Tell me. What is the point of having sex with someone who has Chlamydia again? What are the pros and cons? Don’t tell me there aren’t serious consequences with this very situation pertaining to the OP. I understand what you’re trying to do here on this thread. You’re trying to paint me as some asshole who isn’t looking for the OP’ers best interest. Their relationship seems young. I gave my opinion and stick to my guns. It seems like he is just going about his “ways.” This is all my opinion from what I’ve gathered on the OP’s other previous question. If this doesn’t raise your eyebrow, then I bow down to you, oh martyr of Pro-STD’s. If you can’t see where I’m coming from then this conversation is over. I’ve stepped into your side, and agree not everyone should be stamped with a C T-Shirt. It’s not about treating them less like a person. It’s about self-respect! Self-respect because Chlamydia is more devastating to females than it is to males. It can screw up a woman’s reproductive system. If that doesn’t phase you, then you’re just arguing for either lusts sake, or for arguments sake.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@nailpolishfanatic Best of luck to you. Think this one out with your head and not with your desires.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@_Whitetigress I’m not trying to paint you as anything. And you’re entitled to your own opinion; I just think refusing to have a sexual relationship with someone because they were unfortunate enough to have contracted an STD in the past has little to do with self respect and, once again, it’s very naive to think you’ll always know. I was not only referring to the OPs situation, but people in general. Men aren’t always only out to get laid and it’s not my place to determine thus guy’s intentions when I know next to nothing about him. I don’t believe in judging people by their past. There’s no way you or anyone else can know what this guy us after just from what we’ve read. This particular thread is asking about the chlamydia, and that’s the question I sought to answer. Whether I think he’s a pig or not has little to do with it, hence the request not to judge.

KNOWITALL's avatar

All I’m going to say is that he sounds like he comes with a lot of baggage (from your previous question) and it’s not just STD’s and drinking, it sounds like womanizing/ casual sex. Only you can decide what you want in a man but as a virgin, you may not have a lot of experience and limited exposure, I have no way of knowing. But don’t settle for less than love, whether it involves sex or not. It sounds exausting to me tbh.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I get what you are saying in the general sense of people with STD’s. Now, let’s localize it and focus only on the OP.

“What is your opinion on this relationship?”

This relationship seems young. And sure, there is no way of knowing if he’s a “pig” or not. Btw, you stated the word, “pig”. I’ve never judged the cat. I’m stating the black and white of this situation and for me, it’s as clear as day. It seems like he’s looking to stay active in the sex department.

This guy could be world class for all I know. He could be the gentlemen of gentlemen it doesn’t change the fact that he’s got an STD. She is two weeks into the relationship. From the information I gather in chronological order in the details, the sex talk came after they became boyfriend and girlfriend. Seems to me, she just found out he has an STD. SURPRISE! This is normal behavior of those who are extremely promiscuis. NOTE I’m not saying the guy is a bad guy. I’m saying his actions reveal he’s promiscuis. He baited her in, SHE then asked if he could get tested. He didn’t openly go in for one, she asked for one and he tested positive.

Oh and the psychology behind asking strangers on a thread not to judge is so the OP’er doesn’t get hurt when hearing the truth. I think I did a pretty damn good job at doing that and not being offensive.

I’ve gathered my conclusions from the info she has listed

Also you say Chlamydia is curable. It’s curable but it’s also known to have episodes of turning on and off, coming back. Those then new strands sometimes can withstand the applied anti-biotics. Why? Because Chlamydia doesn’t have feelings and sympathy for a lovey dubby relationship. And it wants to spread.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@_Whitetigress I just went back and re-read the last question and I’m still not getting that vibe. I mean, I think 2 weeks is kind of fast but, like I said, I made mine wait 6 months. I know people generally move quicker than that. I’m not saying he’s a saint, but he did admit to being promiscuous in the past. I’m not denying that, but young men are known for that these days. There’s a reason they say young, dumb, and full of….well, you get it. I commend him for being honest, even though the things he told her weren’t positive; he could have lied or kept those things to himself to make him look better. I agree that he’s got some baggage, but for all we know, he could be maturing and looking for more. Maybe he just wants to get laid. Either way, I don’t think it’s “clear as day” either way based on the limited info we’ve gotten.

Then again, as a wise man once said to me, “I don’t trust men, and neither should you.” :)

_Whitetigress's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Well I’m sure one thing we can both agree on is that @nailpolishfanatic and her partner are safe and wish them the best. :D

Ashleyxx1's avatar

Make sure you guys use protection and him to follow up with his doctor just to make sure hes fine

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