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brown_eyed_blonde's avatar

Could my ex boyfriend still have feelings for me?

Asked by brown_eyed_blonde (86 points ) October 28th, 2012

We broke up nearly three months ago. I ended it because of compatibility issues. (He didn’t meet my needs as he wasn’t very attentive. He’d often go days without contacting me and this made me feel neglected). After two months of no contact, he got back in touch with me and asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee to catch up. So we did, and the attraction was still there in a big way. We ended up sleeping together.

The last time we communicated was Thursday when we sent a few texts to each other. I sent the last text but he didn’t reply. Now, exactly three days later, he has texted me saying ‘Hey you! Why so quiet!?’ This is ironic really considering I was the one having the problem of him not contacting enough when we were together.

I thought he should be the one to initiate the communication considering I was the one who sent the last text… And anyway… we’re not a couple anymore so why is he being so accusing? Could he still have feelings? I admit that I have feelings for him, and he knows I do. I’ve told him. But he also knows I’m unsure about getting back together because of our compatibility issues.

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21 Answers

skfinkel's avatar

Sounds like communication not compatibility problems. If you still like him, and it seems he likes you, why not have a real conversation about the situation. This sounds like you are both playing games. If you are sleeping with him, you should be able to talk to him.

Seaofclouds's avatar

He might, but does it really matter? You broke up for a reason. You slept with him, so now he may see it as a friends with benefits situation and he could only be talking to you because of that. The only one that knows is him and the only way you will know is to ask him.

If he does still have feelings for you, will it change anything?

Unbroken's avatar

This may seem harsh but I only ask as a possible consideration. Is he using you, like a booty call except he is playing with your emotions?

I agree with @skfinkel if you want to pursue this you must both be willing to sit down and draw boundaries and open up on where you stand, the fact that you still have feelings for him means fwb or booty call status isn’t healthy esp when he’s jerking you around a bit.

Personally I have a rule I never go back to an ex, it’s a waste of time and if there are emotions involved, unnecessarily painful. I haven’t regretted it.

Buttonstc's avatar

“Could he still have feelings?” you ask.

Yes, specifically sexual feelings. After three days he wants another booty call.

I hate to be so blunt but as it appears he learned nothing from your breakup regarding how you expect to be treated, that’s the most logical conclusion.

And now that you’ve obliged him with a commitment-free booty call, expect the same treatment for as long as you’re willing to be used by him.

If he would have the kind of feelings that you’re hoping for (rather than just plain garden variety lust) he would be wanting to talk with you and would care about what’s going on with you outside of the bedroom.

But it appears that he’s not THAT eager for any extraneous contact with you which won’t help him get his rocks off.

We teach people how to treat us. If you continue allowing him to use you for sex, he will continue to do just that. It’s up to you.

You can’t force him to make you more important in his life, dare I say a priority. He either wants to be with you apart from just sex or he doesn’t. That’s just the plain unvarnished truth of the matter. You care far more about him than he does about you. Period. And that makes you vulnerable. And he knows it.

I guess he can pretend for awhile if he’s really hard up for a sex partner but eventually his true colors will show again.

Don’t you deserve better? I’ll just give you a little piece of advice from the author of a book about how men think.

His advice to women in your situation was “Don’t waste the pretty.”

In other words, don’t keep wasting time on a guy who clearly doesn’t make you a priority in his life. You’ll be getting older while he’ll be sexually satisfied and that’s all it will ever be. And when he meets the woman he wants to commit to that’s where he will be spending his time and energy and you’ll be a distant memory.

And in the meantime you are not available to meet the man for whom you are the Sun moon and stars put together. That’s what you deserve. But as long as you’re wrapped up emotionally with someone who does not value you (for anything other than sex) the vibe you give off subconsciously to every other guy you meet is that you’re not available.

Go find a guy who truly values you. They are out there. Don’t waste the pretty.

When a guy finds the one woman for him out of all the others, he does whatever he has to do to let her know that. He doesn’t want to run the risk of another guy scooping her up. He spends as much time with her as possible either in person or on the phone.

That’s what a guy in love does. That’s quite different from a guy in lust.

You can’t force him to love you. Move on.

Vincentt's avatar

Isn’t ‘Hey you! Why so quiet!?’ him initiating communication?

chyna's avatar

“Hey you, why so quiet” isn’t accusing. It’s his way of keeping in as little contact as possible to keep you hanging on so he can have sex. I think you need to cut it off totally and find someone that really appreciates you, unless you just want to be his booty call.

SuperMouse's avatar

Yep, he still has feelings for you – he feels like he enjoys having you on the line for when he is interested in a piece of tail. Stop responding to him, move on, and find someone who will give you the respect you deserve.

jca's avatar

@Vincentt: She initiated the conversation when she texted him, and regardless, he waited 3 days. 3 days?

elbanditoroso's avatar

He might still like you, that’s possible, or he might just be horny, which is more likely.

Or maybe his new girlfriend was out of town and he is bored. Or maybe she dumped him.

The fundamental question: there was some reason that you broke up. Does that reason still exist? If it does, then this time around will fail too. What has changed?

dabbler's avatar

Without more input from him it’s hard to tell whether he wants more ‘relationship’ or more booty call. If he does want more relationship consider that he doesn’t know how to do that very well and you will have to communicate what you need clearly.

Regarding “Hey you, why so quiet” don’t keep score of who texted who last. If you want to reach him just do so. It’s not unusual for women to be more active on the communication front than men. Again he may just not be very good at communicating the way you’d like.
you may be able to ‘train’ him, or maybe that’s just the way he is. Don’t write him off for that if you can otherwise get what you want from the relationship.

jca's avatar

I think it’s good to be honest with people, but when you told him you have still have feelings for him, he appears to be taking advantage of those feelings by contacting you when it’s convenient for him, regardless of your texting him 3 days prior.

marinelife's avatar

Why do you care? The compatibility issues are still there. He is still not communicating as you want him to.

All the reasons that you broke up with him are still there.

Shippy's avatar

Ugh no! I’m sorry but a guy takes three days to answer my text, he is chopped liver. I wouldn’t even tell him that he’d find out the hard way. No contact and deathly silence. I would have moved on to more exotic loving fish in the big sea.

I know you are hurting, I am sorry for that, but you are worth more than that, no?

jca's avatar

I am curious – when you broke up, and (I assume) told him why you were breaking up, did he seem to comprehend what you were bothered about? I ask because it does not seem like he understands (or cares).

I think when issues go unresolved, such as this issue in this relationship, you may meet up, have great “makeup” sex, have a fun time, etc., and the issues may subside, but then in time, they will return, and your feelings of upsetness will return as well. They’re not going to be resolved without a thorough discussion, and if you had that discussion when you broke up the first time, I would hope the boyfriend would be willing to accomodate you if he would like the relationship to start back up again. If not, then he obviously does not care about your feelings, and is just looking to string you along for some sex.

Vincentt's avatar

@jca When there are three days in between, I’d interpret as the previous conversation having ended.

jca's avatar

@Vincentt: They broke up the first time because of communication issues. She texts him and he does not respond for 3 days. That’s not a communication issue?

Vincentt's avatar

Could be. However, conversations also have to end somewhere. Maybe there just wasn’t really something to say. It’s like the phone conversations that end up in “No, you hang up!” “No, you hang up!” etc. It just ends somewhere.

jca's avatar

@Vincentt: OK but so then why does she have to initiate the next contact? And if he’s initiating it, why a 3 day wait?

Vincentt's avatar

@jca She doesn’t, it could just have been a playful comment. It could just have been three days before he felt like contacting her, or perhaps he felt shy to initiate the next conversation. Not saying that’s what it is, just that it could be and that it would be a shame to be rude or something if that is the case.

jca's avatar

@Vincentt: I hear you, but they break up due to communication issues, no contact for two months, he asks her to meet up with him and they sleep together. Now it’s three days “before he felt like contacting her?” It sounds like he’s not that into her.

Carinaponcho's avatar

He may still have feelings for you. You two actually have a bigger communication problem than anything. That can be fixed with some discussion. Talk to him instead of the Internet. You’ll get better results.

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