Social Question

jca's avatar

In your romantic relationships, what do you need (you, personally) in order to feel like things are going well?

Asked by jca (28486 points ) November 15th, 2012

Regarding contact: phone calls daily, more than once a day, often, less than once a day is fine?

Texting and emails: often, rarely, what?

Seeing each other: daily, once a week, more than once a week, every few weeks is fine?

NSFW: multiple times per day, once a week, less than once a week?

I ask because everyone has different needs and desires as far as what kind of contact and communication they have, and I am curious what others like.

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14 Answers

Shippy's avatar

I would imagine it would be determined by the length of time together. If it were early days, once a day, text, or phone whatever is fine. If it’s more than that, personally I want to run away.

But after a time, as you get closer it’s more like a dialogue really. He asks, you answer, I ask he answers. I’ve always been weary of a person that I have just met, or even a few weeks into the relationship, contacts me too much. Besides I am a busy person, I have other things to do also.

poisonedantidote's avatar

First I will answer assuming this is an already established relationship, and not something new or someone you just met.

Phone calls when necessary, once a day, week, month or year. The phone calls do not matter as you would be spending at least 3 or 4 hours a day together. You would only use phone calls for convenience. E.g. “I’m at the store and they are out of skimmed milk, shall I get regular?” or something along those lines.

Texting never, even if you are trapped under a beam in a burning building and only have credit to send 1 text, send it to someone else, as I would never read it. If there is something to be said, that is what phone calls and meetings are for.

Emails, skype, or other such things are fine when apart for an extended period of time.

NSFW at least once a day.

On the other hand, if it is a new relationship. Then meeting at least twice a week, phone calls limited to arranging face to face meetings only, no chat, no skype, no facebook messages, and a text message gets you dumped (jk). No NSFW allowed for at least two weeks to a month so to prove interest in personality over physical interest.

DJoy83's avatar

I would need some sort of communication on a regular (daily) basis. When you say “romantic relationship,” I’m under the assumption that you’ve already been intimate with this person, and for that reason, there’s another layer to the relationship. We don’t need to speak on the phone everyday and have conversations for hours at length, but some sort of show of concern to let me know that I matter in this person’s life, and my partner is thinking about me sure does help me know that we are going well.

JLeslie's avatar

It depends…are we just starting? Do we live together, do we live in the same city? Are we married?

Generally, if we live together I like a call or text every day, no rule about who calls who, hopefully it varies back and forth, and then I get to see my SO in the evening. However, if a day or two is missed it is not a big deal. If we don’t live together less expectations of a text or call during the day, although I like it to happen at least a few times a week, but then would want contact after working hours daily whether it be a phone call, text, date, etc.

My husband lived out of the country for 9 months at one point, and at other times worked in jobs that he had international travel. There were some times where I did not hear from him for an entire day or two. This was before I had email, forget having a cell phone, so maybe it would be different if it happened now.

jca's avatar

@DJoy83: It’s a hypothetical question, so not related to anything in my real life. Just a question for the sake of a question.

marinelife's avatar

I really like being with my husband so I see him every day and much of our free time is spent together.

I need to hear him say he loves me or something else romantic. I need his touch and kisses.

We usually talk 2–3 times a day while he is at work.

TheProfoundPorcupine's avatar

I do like daily contact but I also know that somedays this will result in more contact than others although I do like just having the knowledge that I am in their thoughts at some point during the day. It just gives a good feeling inside, but I do know I am in their heart even when there is no communication going on.

Bellatrix's avatar

We text each other and speak to each other each day (usually a minimum of once) after we both go to work. How often depends on the level of busyness either one of us is dealing with. We might also send emails occasionally with information, questions, reminders. We like to be in contact. I usually call him as I leave the work carpark to drive home so he knows I’m on my way. If I work late and don’t do this he gets worried. Especially while we are away from home together but he is working, he will call me to touch base and let me know how his day is going.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, of course communication depends on physical availability. If I’m living with someone, than I usually get what I need just by being around them when we are home together. Extra contact during the day when we are not physically together is ok, usually, although sometimes it feels like it is not important enough to interrupt work for. I don’t like my work time being wasted on things that are not interesting to me, like when the repairman comes. We can talk about that when we are together.

However, if we are not together, then I like several contacts a day, if possible. They can be a combination of email, phone, or text. But I like several “touches,” as I think of it, each day. I do feel like texting and email is a kind of grooming behavior. Like when we are physically present, we need to touch each other in various ways. When we can not be together in meatspace, we touch each other virtually, sometimes with substantive information, but often with purely emotional content—like saying, “I love you.”

In a way, I feel like this is beyond my conscious control. I need this. I need to be touched and loved and connected. I don’t feel safe or whole without this. And if people withhold it, either on purpose or because of unforeseen circumstances, I get jittery and start to worry, and quickly start to interpret this as meaning I am no longer loved. Cognitively, I know this isn’t true, but my body tells me something different. It makes me feel insecure, often when it seems like there is no objective reason to feel that way. But there it is. I don’t think this is a matter that is under my control.

jordym84's avatar

All I ask for is consistency, and by consistency I mean being the same person you are during the courtship as you know you will be once the honeymoon phase is over. I can’t stand it when a guy puts forth a ton of effort to get a girl interested and then, when things have taken off and the guy starts getting too comfortable, he drops the ball. I know it goes both ways, that there are women who do the same thing, but more often than not, in my experience, men are guiltier of this. I’m not a high maintenance kind of girl and I don’t expect the guy to be the only one making all the effort, but if you get me used to a certain standard, you better be able to keep it up. Otherwise, I’ll start getting suspicious…but then again, it all depends on how long we’ve been dating and on our level of commitment to each other and the relationship.

laurenkem's avatar

I agree with @jordym84 for the most part. Basically, I want to feel “safe” in a relationship, not like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

snapdragon24's avatar

It really depends on your character. The people around me know that Im highly communicative, social and I seem to make people feel comfortable, so I’ve had guy friends and relationships where we’d skype all the time and text etc almost everyday. Hahaha the person Im seeing now…we’ve communicated through six different forms…(new record) – skype, whatapp, sms, viber, office number, email etc. I know it looks pretty intense, but hey if two people like eachother, have mutual understanding and feel the need to talk to one another then they shouldn’t hold back.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I like someone playing with my hair.

Dsg's avatar

I like to be in contact with my SO thru text, phone or email every day. It makes me feel special and important, when i hear from my SO several times a day. I try and stay in contact with my SO thru out the day by texting. In the beginning, we shared special songs that were meaningful to each other. I have saved the songs, so i can listen to them anytime i want, which is usually daily. We talk on the phone about 1x a week, wouldn’t mind it being more but i don’t want to push. We have dated for close to 5 months, which isn’t a long time. I wish i could say i get to see my SO every day but it isn’t possible. We live in different states and have our own crazy lives. If we were able to see each other weekly, i would be in heaven! I miss the hugs, kisses and touches. Also miss the romantic time of holding hands and gazing in each others eyes. I miss the fact that we aren’t able to create a lot of memories. @TheProfoundPorcupine I like how you put it about knowing your still in your SO’s heart even if you haven’t received any communication. So true! We have a strong bond, which is helping thru this difficult time of not seeing each other. @wundayatta I like your wording about the several “touches” through out the day. That’s a nice way to express it without sounding needy. I miss my SO. I’ve been wishing upon a star in hope we will get to spend some more time together, in person.

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