Social Question

jm5225's avatar

In a relationship but wants to sleep around. Whats your thoughts?

Asked by jm5225 (253 points ) November 26th, 2012

So I met this guy that I have been dating for only a short time but we have a blast together and we spend just about every day together, sleep together(in both ways) etc. etc. Things were great until he realized he jumped into things to fast and has been in relationship after relationship. Never had time to play the fields I guess.

He won’t let me go…and I don’t want to go. To be honest…i’ve fallen pretty hard but find myself disappointed often. Nothing major just little things. We broke up and he slept with his ex.

Of course I was angry and tried to say I was done but I somehow got sucked back in and now we are just kind of hanging out. I know he realizes he didn’t play his cards right there but I also know that he is not ready for what I am. What does one do in a situation like this? Wait around until he is ready? Walk away?

Truthfully I am not okay with him having sex with others but I also feel so strongly for him that I can’t seem to just turn away and call it quits especially when we are together every day. He isn’t a whore or some kind of slut but he has temptation and I know this. I’ve been there I just know I am very ready for something legit with him. Any advice?

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22 Answers

Katachan's avatar

Well, if he says he isn’t ready, you should totally go by that and you should in no way push it, because it will only end badly down the line.

If you like him so much and understand his situation, I say just put up with it for as long as you can and see how it goes, because you like him and he is fun to be around. Don’t invest yourself emotionally into it too heavily, though, until he expresses he wants more, or until you just can’t take it anymore! :)

You should probably play the field a bit yourself, and maybe engage in a threesome if you’re that way inclined?

Basically, it takes two to tango, and when the time is right… Yadda yadda, good luck!

NOTE: Typical guy’s opinion! ;)

jm5225's avatar

Makes some sense…Im not down for sharing or participating in three ways. Really when I’m with him…I don’t feel like I want anyone else. If anything I want to make other people jealous of us haha. I know that I am not okay for him to be sleeping around. It will only ruin things for me in the end. I guess it’s best to walk away and maybe down the line or if he cares enough he will change his priorities.

Katachan's avatar

Hmm, this is a tough situation to be in for sure. The fact you guys seem close makes it even tougher. Your lack of bisexuality is also a hindrance ;)

In all seriousness though, I’d LJBF him before things get too deep for you. Retain your dignity and maybe down the line, after he’s sown his wild oats, he’ll come knocking :)

jm5225's avatar

LJBF? and we are gay haha theres no bisexuality in this haha. We are super close…pay for each other places…spend every day together…talk everyday…say good morning and good night…its almost legit….but kind of bullshit all at the same time.

Unbroken's avatar

I was able to play the game it’s ok for you to sleep around once.

He was rebounding and I held out for a month, we spent a lot of time together, everything a knee brush a hand tracing up the arm, it was all very erotic.

I had to be ok with seeing hickies on his neck and after a while they faded and didn’t come back, no I never mentioned them. Well we said we were seeing other people but I wasn’t and he probably didn’t have much time after a couple of months someone asked about us while we were together he looked at me and I said he was my boyfriend. He smiled and kissed me.

Very rare and I was in emotional pieces and acting my ass off when he wasn’t around.
I would say that it is a very fine dance that needs confidence desire and patience. And even if you play a perfect game it really all is dependent on him.

That being said, will you regret it if you don’t try it. Are you walking away because you know how this will end or do you just want to protect yourself? Will he be the Guy fantasy in your future dreams of the past? Can you live with that?

No one can tell you but you. But we spend all this time figuring out how to avoid risks so we never end up in pain and lead such boring lives.

Katachan's avatar

LJBF = let’s just be friends

augustlan's avatar

My current husband was the first guy I’d dated after separating from a marriage of 17 years. I was in no way interested in a relationship when I went out with him, but was quite smitten with him immediately and knew I’d like to continue seeing him. I asked if he’d be able to handle having a non-exclusive relationship with me, and he was honest and said “no way”. If I wanted him, I couldn’t have anyone else. I thought about it, and I opted for him. Obviously, it could have gone another way.

My point here is that you need to be clear in your own mind about your limits, and convey them to this guy. If you’re okay with him seeing other people, that’s fine. If you’re just pretending to be okay with it, hoping he’s going to ‘come around’, that’s a recipe for disaster. If the latter is the case, tell him it’s you and nobody else, or not you at all. He may not make the same choice I did, of course, so be prepared for it to end.

The secret to happiness in relationships is to never expect more from one another than each is happy to give.

deni's avatar

You feel like you don’t want anyone else, which is good, but he does not feel that way. I see both sides of the card and I have been in both situations. If you stay with him, at least for the time being, you will end up getting hurt. If you are willing to accept that and not treat yourself the way you deserve and find someone who is satisfied with simply you, then yeah stay with him. But just realize what you’re setting yourself up for. It might sound harsh but at least he’s been honest.

jm5225's avatar

I was thinking about giving it my all for another week or so…we have this joke about making a hut like when we were kids…so i was thinking tomorrow night finally doing it(making a hut) in front of the fireplace which we have yet to use. We really have just been super casual…nothing to romantic overall. Maybe I need to show him that side to make him realize what he has…and if that doesn’t work then I need to go…and if it was anything worth keeping to him he will follow when he’s ready I guess. I’m not in love…but I probably could be.

deni's avatar

Well hanging out with him and not knowing how he feels or what your status is, especially since you know what you WANT it to be, is not going to help. If this were me, next time I see him, I would say “Look, I like you. I want to be with you. Either give me a chance to be what you need, or it’s done. I can’t keep questioning things and putting myself out there only for you to go sleep with someone else. I don’t deserve that.”

ZEPHYRA's avatar

You are simply wasting your time!

filmfann's avatar

Walk away.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

Get out of it. You want him, he wants the field, let him go play in his time not yours. It’s not an open relationship, the arrangement isn’t there where both of you can get what you want and eat cake (or anything other than cake but that’s beside the point) – it’s a one sided agreement you’ve decided to stick to even though you’re clearly uncertain about it. Do yourself a favor and get out of it.

marinelife's avatar

You are ready for something he is not.

He is not going to change.

He will continue to sleep around.

What is there to hang around for? He is not the man you thought he was.

Don’t cheanpen yourself any further. Walk away.

DrBill's avatar

It sounds like he may prefer a poly relationship, they can work out good, but only if everyone involved is in favor. Mono is good, Poly is good, mixing the two never works.

Judi's avatar

Respect yourself. You will regret it if you say you are ok with this if you’re not. Walk away. If its meant to be it will be.
By the way, I was faced with this same choice when I started dating my husband. I respected myself enough to risk losing him by setting my personal boundaries. He decided on his own that he wanted an exclusive relationship.
20 + years and people are always commenting about how they have never seen a man so in love as he is with me. We adore each other. I don’t think we would be here if I had compromised my self esteem and self worth to accept the unacceptable.

bolwerk's avatar

There is nothing wrong with an open relationship if you both don’t feel ready for a “monogamous” relationship. You should just agree to the terms. If you can’t agree, then you should walk away.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Walk.

I mean, how long are you willing to wait for him to sew his wild oats? You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. So, he’ll be happy because he can have his cake and eat it too, but don’t you deserve to be happy? I say let him go and he might just come back, but don’t count on it.

I hear a lot of excuses being made for him. He may not be a slut, but playing the field is not the prerequisite of a serious relationship.

Open relationships can work, but only if both partners are okay with it. You’re quite obviously not. It hurts you that he sleeps around, but you like him too much to let him go. Don’t fall into a codependent relationship. You clearly feel stronger for him than he does for you. Don’t put your life on hold and sit around and wait on some guy to want to commit to you. This is how you miss out on something great.

desiree333's avatar

Maybe try to make the open relationship work until you get to know each other better. Once you feel that both parties are equally committed emotionally, then it’s time to discuss monogamy. Open relationships can work. If you don’t want to casually see other people also, then you really aren’t looking to share him. If you feel jealous, then I’d take a break or tell him how you feel. Down the road if you two are commited, he may sacrifice his temptations to be exclusive with you. I think what’s due here is a talk about where the relationship is going. Although, not to be blunt, but it seems you might just end up dissapointed.

wundayatta's avatar

He’s slept with you. He’s slept with his ex. Is there anyone else? He spends all day with you. When does he have time to fuck other guys? Does he have a Tardis at his disposal?

I’m being a tad harsh because I’ve found that there’s the fears in our head and then there’s what is possible in reality. I encourage you to look at what is really going on. Try to imagine when he is going to meet some other guy and develop a relationship?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s like the seventies and guys are going to the Mineshaft and fucking whoever happens to be there, but my understanding is that AIDS has kind of put an end to that. You say he isn’t a slut, so he probably isn’t interested in that, even if it were safe. He wants relationships if he isn’t a whore. Well, when can he have a relationship if he is spending all his time with you? In reality, there is only one relationship he can have.

Maybe two. Depends what is going on with his ex.

Why do people sleep with exes? Most of the time, I think it is to see if it is really over. This is not a conscious thing. It just happens. It’s only after that you realize that it really is over but you wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t slept together one more time. Rarely is it a booty call, either. There’s too much emotional baggage for it to be a successful booty call.

If I were you, I would try to calm myself about this. Have faith that the relationship is real, and if it is real, that means he really wont want anyone else, unless, of course, there are other issues going on that we don’t know about. Are there? Does he have relationship issues? Is he afraid to trust? Commit?

On the face of it, one instance of infidelity is not enough to ruin what could be a great relationship. These things happen. That does not mean he is not into you.

On the other hand, if he does have relationship issues and doesn’t want to get deeply involved, that’s a problem. That would suggest that you are asking for trouble if you stay with him.

So are you making this up? I mean, are you making up your fear of his infidelity? Is this coming from your fears and your relationship issues? Or is it coming from him? If it is your shit, then it isn’t real, and you need to learn to let it go. If it is his shit, then watch out.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Tell him to find you when he’s ready for you are ready for. You may still be available. Honestly, as long as he’s hanging out with you daily he isn’t getting that “playing the field” out of his system.

lemergirl's avatar

When and if he is ready for more i hate to break it but it will not be with you. And you hanging around trying to change him is not giving him the break from a relationship he said he wanted. Yes he will stil sleep with you cuz you are there but it does not mean anything. Have some respect for yourself, look at the big picture if you really truly had a chance with this guy he would be doing all he can to hold on to you….the “break” is just a way of hoping you go away without hurting your feelings. Trust me the sooner you go away the sooner he starts to miss you and maybe realize he does want you. Play hard to get not hard to want

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