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Deshi_basara's avatar

Is this what they mean by young and restless?

Asked by Deshi_basara (396 points ) November 28th, 2012

I think I have identified that source of my issues. Every day we see stories, whether fact or fiction, of people that had to fight. Fight for freedom, love, respect, or just because someone had to step up to face a challange. Having very few friends, a love life that has been nothing but painful, a degree I’m not using, and a job that came with an expiration date, I feel like I would be a great candidate for such an adventure. I mean, it’s not like anyone is really going to miss me if I screw up.

I’m not writing this to be dramatic or to fish for sympathy here. It’s just how I feel.

On to the question. What can I do to satisfy this? I have strength some people would love to have, both physically and mentally. I just don’t have anything to fight for. Am I really supposed to wait in a pergatory like state until something comes my way? And if waiting for things is what I must do, how can I fight this feeling of wasting away into nothing?

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15 Answers

Shippy's avatar

I’m scared to answer this question in case I misunderstood it. But no, we don’t have to fight. For love or jobs or to be loved. These just make good stories so they hit headlines news. I am wondering what you mean by “It’s not like anyone is going to miss me?”

marinelife's avatar

What you need is to get out of your own head. Try volunteering in your community or somewhere farther away. You can put your muscles and your mind to work for those who are worse off than you are. It will right your perspective.

Hurricane Sandy victims still need lots of help.

wundayatta's avatar

What is your purpose? Yes. That is something you will have to struggle, and perhaps even fight to figure out. It depends on how you understand the metaphor. I don’t think you have to engage in life-endangering fighting or violent fighting, but you may have to fight pretty hard to figure it out.

When I graduated from a pretty nice college with a degree, I didn’t have a job. I struggled for months and months, trying to get one in publishing, but I was unsuccessful. Eventually I moved to NYC, and I saw an ad looking for activists who wanted to fight for social change. I did want to. And although it was the lowest paying job of any of my friends, it was the only opportunity I could find, so I took it.

But it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. We had to essentially break into apartment buildings—somehow sneak past the door men, and then go door to door, avoiding the doormen who would come after us when they found out about us, and talk people into giving us money to help fight for equal rights for women. We wanted to raise money to help pass the ERA.

Well, I sucked. When I was trained, it seemed to me that my trainer was cute, and that’s why people gave her money. I was far from cute. But try telling your boss that the reason you trainer was good was because she was cute. Especially try telling a feminist that!

Now, as it happens, I eventually did learn how to project cuteness, or at least non-threateningness, and when I did that, I got a lot better. But I also had to learn a lot of other things. I had to learn how to express the issue clearly and succinctly. I had to learn to project confidence. I had to learn to listen and not respond by rote. And so many other things.

It was a fight, for me, and a short deadline. It was my fourth day, and I still hadn’t made quota, and if I didn’t make quota that day, I’d lose the job.

The things we have to fight for are the things that make our lives meaningful. We get to choose what we want to fight for, and there are an infinite number of things we could choose from. That makes it hard. I don’t know what you need to fight for. I don’t know what you really care about. I don’t know what you get meaning from. But the harder it is, the more it will mean.

In some way, you can choose any challenge. But it’s better if you choose a challenge that is closer to your heart. And then you refuse to fail. You just keep on going until you get somewhere.

So no, don’t wait. Seek out your future. Joseph Campbell always said, “follow your bliss.” I used to have a t-shirt with that slogan on it, but I wore it to the point where even I couldn’t see wearing it any more. You don’t know what your bliss is, yet, but you have some ideas about what is important to you. Get involved in that any way you can, and when you get started, don’t stop. Keep on following your bliss.

flutherother's avatar

“I fight therefore I am?” I’ve never heard that and God forbid it should be true. There are many ways to be, you don’t have to fight to show you exist. Being is enough in itself, or you could create.

Deshi_basara's avatar

@Shippy I don’t know if your fear is an issue around here, but if you ever find yourself talking to me, never do anything but speak your mind as best you can. You won’t offend me, and if I don’t understand I will ask questions to clarify. Speak your piece, it’s what I came here for =p
As for no one missing me. My parents will be out the son they neglected and abused, my brother will miss his jealousy, my “friends” will miss their auxiliary bank account, and my ex’es will miss their punching bag. No one will miss me. No one would miss working out, watching anime, going to concerts, working on cars/bikes, or anything else with me. That is all stuff I have always done alone, and not by choice.

@marinelife Blame the unions for Sandy victims still needing help. I was wish a group of people that went up to help with deconstruction and clean up. We were turned away because we were not apart of their labor union. As for where I’m from, the volunteer community is scarce because the meth-heads around here just wait at aid sites and jump people for their wallets. It’s not pretty.

@wundayatta You fell into something to fight for, or so your story portrays. Then you say seek my future. Then use a quote telling me to follow my passion. Was the contradiction in views planned? I’m not getting it. As for a passion, I don’t have one, so unfortunately I don’t have much to go on there either. I appriciate the time you took, and the story you shared, don’t get me wrong. I guess I just don’t see the correlation.

This spawns another question as well. Why do people immeadately assume physical violence when the term fight is used? Women fought for the right to vote, and not a single punch was thrown. Ghandi fought for his country, his people, and did not lift a fist.

I suppose my question could be altured a little. How does one find what they are passionate about? How does one find what they would fight for?

wundayatta's avatar

@Deshi_basara It is not a contradiction to me. I didn’t exactly fall into that line of work. I chose it because it was making political change and I wanted to do that. It was the particular form that was an accident. Although not much of one.

Seek your future. Follow your passion. Yes. Same thing.

As to not having a passion—I guess I don’t fully believe that. You have things you like. Either that, or you are completely depressed and suicidal. Is that the case? But even depressed and suicidal people have passions. It’s hard to unearth them, but they are there, and they are related to things we do all our lives.

Now in many people, their passions are stuffed deep inside. They have been told to do this and that by teachers and parents and bosses and they don’t even remember what they love. But it is in there. It may be a process to get it back out to a conscious level.

And you question is very apt: how do you find what you are passionate about? There are actually a number of workshops about this around the world. That’s one way. But I think it is fairly simple. Get yourself interviewed but someone who is smart and who knows you and can draw you out. They’ll get you to figure out what you love to do.

hearkat's avatar

My 21-year-old son is in a similar situation, where he doesn’t have a sense of purpose and is just going through the day-to-day motions to pay the bills. I wish I had an answer for you both about how to find your passion and sense of purpose.

When I was a young adult, I had a similar lack of direction. I had dropped out of school for a couple years, realized that I wanted a career and not just a job, so I went back and just kept trying different classes in school until I found a major and vocation that clicked with me – I was just shy of 23 at that point. My son was born 2 years later, just after my first year of grad school. Having a career gave me a sense of worth and being responsible for a child gave me a purpose—but please don’t go having a kid for that reason! ;-P

I do generally suggest volunteering, since helping others is definitely a win-win situation.
As for that Sandy recovery attempt, I thank you for trying. From what I’ve seen, it wasn’t an issue of Union vs. non-union, but of having the correct documentation to show that people were indeed qualified for the type of work they volunteered for. This past month has been a very chaotic time in this area – and especially in those first few days, it was difficult to know who was what and trying to get people help while trying to ensure the safety of the residents and volunteers. Some communities are just now being allowed access to their properties. There will be jobs and volunteer opportunities arising from this, you can probably find out more by going to the State Websites of NJ and NY – I’d bet there’s links to organizations that are coordinating people with opportunities.

You haven’t mentioned what your degree is in… could you proceed with an advanced degree in that or a related field that could help improve your job prospects?

If your exes have manipulated you, spend some time contemplating what makes you so able to be manipulated. A part of that is likely to stem from the childhood issues you mention, and as a survivor of childhood abuse, I can relate. However, you did not deserve to be mistreated as a child, but you didn’t have much control over what was going on. Now you are an adult, and you do have control over what yo say and do, and what behaviors you will tolerate from others. It is up to you to stand up for yourself, respect yourself, and thus expect respectful treatment from others.

As for finding a social outlet, I suggest Meetup.com, which is a website where people organize groups based around common interests. You could find car groups, anime groups, fitness groups, and more.

Coloma's avatar

I agree, why the need to “fight”? Why not volunteer somewhere and use your skills. Coach kids in sports, volunteer your mental strengths to an organization you find interesting. .
You don’t wait, you CREATE!

Shippy's avatar

@Deshi_basara Thanks for the clarification. I thought, to be honest, that your post sounded very depressed and suicidal. So needed further clarification. You question is slightly ambivalent. In that you sound overall apathetic yet say you have the strength of mind and form, that most would envy. If you really had that strength you would be fighting already, fighting back at lost friends, or no friends, and all the other things you speak of. You would also fight back and maybe find a love life that was nothing but pleasure.

Depression is a horrible thing, it enslaves us, renders us weak tired and fools us into believing we don’t care, and we cant change things.

I have no answers about what to fight for , in your case, except the obvious which is the things I mentioned earlier.

There is a lot to be said though, in helping others. I find even posting my crappy useless answers on Fluther helps me, because sometimes, I can fool myself into believing I have helped someone.

Deshi_basara's avatar

@Coloma 4th and 5th paragraph of my response please.

@Shippy I take L-sats on Saturday. I’m not worried about them at all. I bench almost 300lbs and squat 350. I have a sound mind and body, just feel no reason to put everything I have into anything. There was a sword made, folded 1000 times. It was the lives work of one man centuries ago. It could cut through any man at any time, a million times, and wouldn’t lose its edge. It now sits in a museum. I’m much like this sword. My potential for use is amazing, there just isn’t a will.

God I hope this isn’t depression. Last time was bad enough…
I’ve enjoyed your “crappy useless answers” thus far. They have brought about things to question further, and as I have never been one to look for someone to solve my issues for me, I feel this is a great service. So thank you for that if nothing else.

@wundayatta If I were suicidal this conversation would not be taking place I’m afraid. But no I do not believe I am either. I have fun, it’s not that I am devoid of that ability. I just never excelled at anything, or found something I could not live without doing. (I have severe attachment issues). But I do think you have hit the nail on the head of why I am how I am. I guess I just need help figuring out were I’ve hidden these things.

I also fear the only one who knew the real me is gone, and I know she is never coming back.

@hearkat When we went they wanted us to by the union books, yet we would never get access to them or be included in the union itself. So basically they just wanted a couple hundred bucks a head from our group. Unfortunately I don’t live very close to the area so it’s not like I can just ship out and keep my job (I’m full time hourly, so if I can’t get time cleared and am not around to do my job, I’ll just be replaced). But if another opportunity exists, I’ll be there.

As for why I am manipulated easily. That’s simple. There are always going to be people looking to take advantage of those with a kind heart. I try to help when I can. I was actually chastised just yesterday by a friend because I refused to write a paper for him. I had helped him with an assignments before, then wrote a paper for him preciously when he lied and said he was too busy to do it himself. When I found out he lied to me about what he had to do I stopped helping him and now he is mad. Stuff like that happens to me constantly. Yet people wonder why I don’t have friends…. Funny no?

I do what to thank each of you for taking the time to help me with this. It is appreciated.

Coloma's avatar

@Deshi_basara Yes, I meant “fight” as in struggle,not actually physical.

hearkat's avatar

Yes, there will always be people who will take advantage of others. But that doesn’t answer why you are willing to be taken advantage of – or at least you have in the past. Having a kind heart doesn’t automatically mean being a sucker. I was manipulated and abused for the first 3 decades of my life, and played the martyr oh so well, but it became tiresome to wallow in self-pity and keep repeating the same pathetic patterns over and over again. I learned that oftentimes the kindest thing to do is to let others be accountable for their own choices, and to stop looking for others to blame for the choices I have made.

Those people who have used you in the past were not your friends, they were selfish clowns not worthy of loyalty. There are good people out there, but it sounds like you are trapped in a victimized mindset if you keep attracting people who take advantage of you. You may be physically strong and intellectually sound, but you seem to be a needy child on an emotional level, with your history of abuse and severe attachment issues.. No matter how great your accomplishments are in school or at the gym, you will continue to be your own worst enemy if you don’t put as much effort in to developing your psychological integrity.

I see a lot of my former self in you, and I suspect that some of the others commenting here do, as well. Your defenses are quite thick, but you’re reaching out for help… don’t give up on yourself, and stay open to what we say, because the things that you are quick to shoot down are often the ones that are closest on point.

Coloma's avatar

@hearkat Beautiful! Yes, as “they” say, there are no victims, only volunteers.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, I know you came to us for advice, but sometimes, after a little thought, you can give yourself the best advice. So I will pose the question: how do you think you can figure out what your passions are?

Deshi_basara's avatar

@wundayatta I honestly couldn’t tell you…....

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