Is it possible that I really do not know a thing about myself?

When people meet me they think I am nice and polite, and I am for the most part, but I see myself a shy and awkward and a bit of a loud-mouth when it comes to addressing people’s ridiculous ideas and beliefs. I am no good at small talk, but people say I am friendly.

When people know me for awhile, they think I am generous, helpful and funny. I’ve even been called “Sunshine” by a past co-worker. Sunshine? Really? I see myself as dark, twisted and brutally honest. (This nickname prompted me to buy a button that says Little Miss Fucking Sunshine.

Everyone I meet thinks I’m funny, but I am hardly ever trying to be funny. My dark and absurd comments about the world, people and existence in general seem funny to people.

Is it possible that I have become so adept at hiding who I really am that no one can see through that barrier or do I totally lack self-awareness? How can others see me as something I cannot even fathom?

I find this confusing and unsettling. I don’t want people to see me as something I am not.