General Question

Cerrie's avatar

Is this widower ready to date?

Asked by Cerrie (22 points ) December 6th, 2012
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

19 Answers

Coloma's avatar

2 years is about the bare minimum of time to go through the mourning process, but, everyone is different. There are tons of factors involved, whether the death was sudden and accidental, or a long term illness, the state of the marriage before the spouses death, was it happy or troubled, on & on. Is this person interested in you, or, is it you that has designs on them?
If he seems interested I would say to take things slowly, if he is unaware of your interest then you should have a candid discussion and ASK him how he feels about dating or starting a new relationship.

There is no one size fits all in these situations.
You also need to be very honest with yourself. Can you accept that his children do come first and that he will, most likely, continue to be involved with keeping their mothers memory alive?
Are you free of unhealthy jealousies in this arena?

Lots to consider. Good Luck.

Sunny2's avatar

Yes, if you’re interested in more than friendship. It’s never too early to be a friend.

lloydbird's avatar

If you are going to look after him and help him to try and deal with his mis-fortune.., then
great,

blueknight73's avatar

I truely believe the ball is in his court. If he feels he is ready to date, I say go for it! Have fun!

wundayatta's avatar

Are you asking him to date? If he is asking you, then I would not say it is too early. If you want to ask him, I say fine. In either case, the mourning process is unpredictable. The things you mention aren’t necessarily warning signs, but they could be. Really, all you can do is try, be sensitive, and see what happens. If you don’t express your interest, he may end up with someone else who does.

A good friend of mine, a woman, has been going on jdate and the other sites now for a few months. Her husband passed away a couple of years ago. She clearly wants company, and to have fun. But just as clearly, she is nowhere ready for another relationship. She may never be.

I don’t think men are all that different from women in terms of mourning and dating. Also, at this age, they don’t necessarily have the same goals in mind. They’ve had kids. They have houses. They’ve had careers. They don’t need to do it again.

I suspect that dating can be more like friendship at this age. Whatever age this is, lol. I’m not saying. People don’t play games as much, unless, I suppose, they have traditional ideas about sex. But sex just isn’t that big a deal when you don’t plan on or can’t have children. It’s about comfort more than ownership.

hearkat's avatar

It is up to him to determine whether he is ready to date. His honoring the mother of his children with them is admirable, and is something you should not feel threatened by.

burntbonez's avatar

What is dating, anyway? Having coffee? Going to a poetry workshop? Seeing a movie? Dinner? All these things are appropriate for friends as well as dates. I would not worry about the terminology. I would just pursue the relationship you are interested in.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

He would be the one to ask, not us. Good luck in your relationship, however it turns out.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Why is that even a problem? You can’t possibly be jealous of a dead woman. She passed away, they didn’t divorce, so it’s understandable that he still loves and certainly misses her. Luckily for you, she’s no direct threat.

If you’re concerned that he may not be ready to move on with someone new yet, that’s something only he knows. Open communication could provide you will the answer to that question.

marinelife's avatar

Two years is time to rebound from a spouse’s death for some people; not for others.

My big problem here is your problem with him devoting time on those dates to his children who are, and should be, his first priority.

I can’t see you in the stepmother role.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@marinelife You can tell she’s not fit to be a good step-mother from reading less than 50 words she wrote? :)

hearkat's avatar

@marinelife – I got the impression that the kids are grown, but I guess we don’t know that for sure.

Rarebear's avatar

Heck no. My dad died, and my mom, at 72 shacked up with her old high school boyfriend within 6 months. He’s great.

marinelife's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Because she begrudges the time he feels the need to spend with the kids already.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@marinelife I got the impression she was begrudging the occasions in which he spent time with his children – to celebrate his wife. She never said she disliked him being with his kids. Now that the question has been changed, sans details, I forget exactly how it was phrased.

marinelife's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I don’t think that makes any difference. it was still time with the kiuds celebrating their mother. Of course he would honor that.

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Cerrie's avatar

There’s a difference between honouring the mother of his children and continuing to mourn his/their loss. They are in their 20’s and married. He’s in a new relationship which incidentally he kept hidden from his children initially out of respect for them. I think I deserve some respect too. It feels like I’m waiting in the background while they all meet up on her birthday,wedding anniversary,date of her death,mother’s day etc.

hearkat's avatar

@Cerrie – Since the details of the question were deleted, I don’t recall the amount of time that has passed since the death of the mother (I seem to recall that this detail was left out). Even though the kids are grown, they will still grieve, and I still think it’s admirable for him to be with them to honor her memory.

However, if it has been a couple years since her death, I would think it would be OK for him to let them know that he’s dating again – which is a different issue than his commemorating specific dates with his children. He might first tell them that he is considering dating again, and let them get used to the idea, rather than just showing up with his new partner.

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