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sweetheart504's avatar

What should I do now? I feel bad...

Asked by sweetheart504 (23 points ) December 25th, 2012

I dated my brother’s friend for a month. We are both in our early 20s. He was an ass but so was I. I could never figure him out. One minute he wanted to be with me and said he saw a future with us, another he seemed like he was pulling away. Maybe I did things to make him pull away but he always seemed unsure with me even from the beginning. One of the reasons was that he wanted a sexual relationship but I didn’t until I was ready (since I am a virgin). I tried to get comfortable but I never could- I felt pressured some of the time, especially when he said he was thinking of doing it in 6 months. I told him this. Then I got overwhelmed with this and some other things and said some stupid things I wish I could take back, for example, I was having some doubt. Then he wanted to break up. I felt like I owed him an explanation so I told him why I was acting the way I was but he didn’t want to listen. When I tried to fix things, he said I was digging the hole deeper and that there were other girls out there. When I apologized for hurting him, he said I needed to figure things out and that if he was still single, he would like to try again. This kind of pissed me off so I told him that even when I had things figured out, I don’t want to try again. Then a few weeks later, his friend texted me saying he was thinking of me. I tried to be as nice as possible but I couldn’t stop myself from telling her what I really felt (I was a little pissed off). I told her if he wanted closure or to be friends, he was welcome to talk to me. He texted me and said he was sorry I was bitter and that he was sorry the break up didn’t go more smoothly. He mentioned that maybe his past relationships screwed him up so that when a good relationship came along he couldn’t make the right decisions.I met with him and he was not really apologetic for any of the hurtful things he said. Although I saw his kindness, he continued to talk about himself and what he wanted. It’s like none of the things happened. He asked to be friends and then in time when he earned my trust again, we could have a relationship again. I was reluctant but I said I would think about it. The next day I sent him a text saying that even if we got back together it wouldn’t last long because our relationship lacked respect (which I think is very important). I also mentioned that I felt bad when we were breaking up and I shouldn’t be because they were my feelings and as messed up as they were I had a right to express them and not feel stupid or be made to feel that way. The same applied to him. I said maybe the reason we couldn’t make it work was because of our messed up pasts but maybe because we wanted and needed different things. I continued saying that a good relationship to me was compromise. If I wasn’t ready in 6 months, would he wait to sleep with me? I finished off giving him two choices- be friends or move on. I wrote the text hoping he would discuss this with me like a mature adult but I never heard back from him.

I let go of the anger and I moved on but I can’t stop thinking from time to time I was really rude to him, even though I was just trying to be honest. I let my anger do the talking. Despite how he acted with me, he is a nice guy and I think I did hurt him somewhat.

What should I do? It’s been weeks so I’m pretty sure he’s moved on. I don’t think an apology is good right now (both of us want to let go of the past) but should I try to contact him to see if he would still talk to me?

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7 Answers

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Okay? Really. Welcome to Fluther. I mean that. And I’m trying to convince you of that, because my advice to you is going to seem like a flip, mean, brush-off, and it’s not. Really.

The advice is: Grow up.

You’re both immature, he was unfair to attempt to pressure you into sex when you were (it seemed) pretty clear that you didn’t want that yet, and you both responded to disagreement with immaturity. Well, that’s not so bad, since you really are immature. (And that’s okay. We all were at one time, and some still are. At least you have an excuse for that, if you’re as young as you seem.)

So just grow up, and have a good life with a partner who respects you.

marinelife's avatar

Leave it alone. Chalk it up to a learning experience. Think through your feelings (like anger) before you express them next time.

The relationship was not right, because you wanted different things (he wanted sex’ you didn’t).

Really move on now—stop thinking about it and focus on your future.

Sunny2's avatar

I agree with the above answers. You both wanted things to be different, but they weren’t. Don’t waste time mourning for what was not to be. (Maybe in a few years, but don’t count on it.) Wait for something that clicks with both of you. You’ll know the difference when you find it. There won’t be any doubts that you can’t discuss.
Welcome to Fluther.

ETpro's avatar

@sweetheart504 I second @CWOTUS in welcoming you to Fluther, and in the advice above as well. Seems to me the young man wanted to get into your pants, and if that wasn’t in the cards, he had no interest in a relationship for relationship’s sake. If you want to remain virgin for now, you’re right to take your time finding the person you want to share sex with. That’s your call to make, and anyone trying to pressure you into going against your own grain is doing so for their own selfish reasons. It’s pretty obvious they don’t care about your feelings except in so far as they need to understand them in order to manipulate you into giving them what they want.

There’s plenty of time and the day will come when you’ll find someone who is able and willing to talk things through with you and who allows you to be who you are. Shop around. Wait for that day.

Shippy's avatar

You acting like an ‘ass’ because this person was not respecting what you wanted. You felt pressure and under pressure I would certainly be annoyed. Particularly if it were regards my body. Or my self.

A guy that loves you, does not even talk about having sex, when or where. He waits just as you do for when that moment is right. It’s not a deal maker, its not a list of things to do, it is not a swap. (I’ll love you when you give me sex).

If it were me, I delete him off my phone, off my twitter, off my Facebook, off my mind and hopefully off the face of the earth.

Welcome to Fluther.

burntbonez's avatar

I don’t understand. You spend a lot of space telling us all the things that aren’t working in this relationships—all the miscommunications, the pressure for sex, and whatever else is up there, and then, at the end, you ask if you should apologize.

What?

Hell no!

What do you have to apologize for? You say you were an ass. I don’t see it. Look. This is just a relationship between two people that didn’t work out. Let it go. Stop spending energy on it. There is no reason it should have worked out. You didn’t get very far in. You don’t mention feelings of love or anything like that. So what is there? I didn’t get the sense there was anything to this relationship other than an idea in your head. Unless you can convince me that it was an amazing love, like nothing the world has ever seen, I think it makes most sense to let it go. For get him.

Buttonstc's avatar

Don’t ever think that you need to apologize to anyone for not giving in to his sexual demands. you have every right to wait for however long it seems right to you and he was being a total ass for pressuring you.

.Just move on until you find a guy who understands what respect is.

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