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romysingh's avatar

Relationship trouble?

Asked by romysingh (19 points ) December 28th, 2012

I joined a new college . Few days into the college and there was this guy who used to help a lot with studies and all since i with one more girl had joined late. Soon we started chatting a lot on social sites for long long hours , sometimes we ended up chatting for the whole night.

He is a nice guy , then we started chatting on phone and one fine day he asked me out.Though I really liked him but at first I said no , but he convinced me and we started going out. He took me out on first date and it was really awesome , not the date but the way he behaved throughout the date. I had started falling for him .
One month into all this and I was sure that yes I really love being with guy and it is possible that I may be in love.H e said the three magical words and I replied with I Love You too.He was caring , loving , supporting and everything I had ever dreamt in a guy.I am not a very good looking girl but somehow he found me beautifull , I used to get compliments on a daily basis. May be that was the reason I was so hooked into him because I was not used to being complimented so much from a guy except for my friends who shower me with praises and compliments all the time.Neverthless the fact was I was in love with this person.Soon our conversation started getting intimate , we started hand holding , hugging tight and touching each other and yes we always ended our conversations with kisses on phone. Wake up calls and good night kisses were routine as it should be in a relationship. I was very happy with him.
One fine day we were on video chat when he said that he wanted to tell me something and the thing was that he will never be able to marry me , he has some issues with his family and he has to marry someone they choose.I instantly started crying and he was really sorry.We were at our homes at that time , vacations were going on.I thought a lot and somehow tried to accept this . Holidays ended and we came back to our college and we kissed and crossed level 1.But he still wanted to discuss that marriage thing. He made me sit one day and told me that he can not marry me because he is waiting for someone to come around and say yes to marry him. And that someone is his ex. His family knows the girl and girl’s family also knows him and that’s why now he has to marry the girl if she says yes and he is waiting for that.And once the college is over so are we. I was literally devastated but I dint react immediately , I tried to understand all this , but I could not.H e said he does not love the girl but the talks between he and her family had moved to such levels that he can say no to them now , other than that he said our religions were different and so we will face problems marrying.H e said had it been not so he would not have any problem marrying me.I immediately cleared this confusion of him , my name is of different religion but not me.Ofcourse he was not going to say anything now.

That night I stopped myself the whole night from crying but that was the only thing I did. My eyes had swelled.I dint know what to do now , whether to shout at him or try to understand his situation.All this while I had not thought of marriage , we were just 2 and a half months in a relationship and this was too less a time.But I was devastated with this whole stuff.I tried being with him like I used to but I was not able to , it was very painfull. I tried maintaining distance but he dint let me.Even after all this he tried convincing me that he really loves me and please don’t go away from him.He said that if I will cry god will never forgive him so please stop and stuff. Somehow he dint let me move out of the things.I dint know what to do so I started behaving normally but somehow our everyday conversations ended up at that girl.I was not able to concentrate on anything , I was getting depressed I don’t know why.Exam time came and I had noticed he had started maintaining distance , all those good night kisses and wake up calls had stopped.I was feeling even more horrible.But he used to spend some time with me daily , if I ever look upset he calls me and asks me what happened and tries to make me feel good. These things continue till date. He cares for me but somehow he has moved on . Bu he insists on dropping me home sometimes and helping me with other stuffs. I f he sees me alone he comes and joins me. I f he sees me in mess having breakfast/lunch/dinner he comes and sits next to me and talks and I pretend everything is fine .After the exams get over he comes running after me to ask me how did it go and advises me about how to study for the next paper and stuff.

We are friends but I don’t like this whole thing. It hurts a lot. Infact it hurts like hell , I am not able to study at all , I usually spend some 2, 3 hours crying everyday and wasting my time while he is doing brilliant.Iam happy for him but I am not able to get over him neither do I know how to handle this whole situation.Soon our exams will end and we will be siting together in classes . I am dreading that situation.Its easy pretending that you are okay if you see someone twice or thrice in a day but when you see someone in front of you all the time it is impossible to hold back your feelings.

I still love him and I know there is no chance we can be back together but I want it to happen. I miss him and miss him a lot.Tell me if its possible to get back together or else tell me what do I do to move on……Please help….

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6 Answers

Shippy's avatar

I am so sorry you are in this predicament. I just feel though that he shouldn’t have courted you and made advances to you if he knew his situation already? Do you feel that too? If he knew he was going to be told to marry someone else, why seek another girls company. I do question though why she is an ex? Did it not work out the first time? If so what are the chances are it will a second time. Some cultures are very strict regarding chosen partners and in that case there really is nothing one can do.

Aside from him pleading his case. Did you ever meet his parents?

I personally feel if it were me, and a guy knew his future, I would be very let down that he put me through all this for nothing. That alone would help me understand that he didn’t have my best intentions at heart. The pain will go in time. You will love again, every one does no matter what they look like, or think they look like. He really is not the only person that can love and cherish you.

romysingh's avatar

Yes i do feel that if he knew this all along he should not have started this.That ex is her good friend right now though she is heartbroken because of someone else but she cheated on him once and left him for another guy.He forgave her and is now waiting that once she gets fine she may say yes to marry him though he makes it clear that he does not love her and its me who he loves , but he has to marry her , family and all.No i did not meet his parents. But please suggest me what should i do as of now if i want him , and if you see no chance then also suggest what should i do because we share same set of friends , same class , same hostel .And yes one more thing i got to know through a mutual friend that he has told this between his friends that we broke up because i got very serious , that i should have cleared this in beginning itself if i wanted a long term or short term , he has not told anyone about his problem which is making me seem like a loser among my friends , shall i confront him about this?? Please help seems like my life has stopped and i dont know what to do :(

Shippy's avatar

I know you are hurting and it comes through quite clear on your post. So let’s first look at the facts, he asked you out, lavished you with praise and you responded in a normal way, by liking him back. Then he tells you later on, that a girl friend who cheated on him, is back and furthermore his family want him to marry her.

I don’t want to judge his family, but I have a grown son, and I certainly would not encourage him to be with a person who had let him down before.

Unless there is more to the marriage, like money or namesake so on. Or families making promises to other families.

I know men who fight for their country, they fight for their family and also some fight for their love. The correct thing to do then if he wanted to fight for you, would have been to ask his parents respectfully to meet with you, before making a final decision. This way, you are not an unknown entity to them. It seems he did not do this?

Perhaps he did say you got too serious too fast. Which made him back away, or perhaps he just does what he is told by his family. Do you feel you got too serious too fast?

In lot’s of ways in life, we are judged, talked about, by other people, not only for love lost, or for being hurt but many things. That type of thing we need to overcome. How? By holding our head up high, making sure we continue to be the best person we can be. Continue to see our friends and maintain our studies. Because this too passes and people move onto other gossip. Surround yourself at this time with people who love you, people who care and friends. That alone chases away this feeling of despair and loneliness

I can’t advise whether to confront him or not. But if it were me, I would. But in a nice way. I would invite him for coffee in a neutral place. I would say that I do understand his predicament and if he so wishes I set him free. Plus I wish him the very best in his life. Then I would walk away. Because I would walk away gaining closure and also knowing that I am a better person. Somehow letting go of people makes them want you more. But really do you really want him? Or is it more an issue of pride. If people ask you, tell them. He is promised to another and smile. Or just say I don’t kiss and tell.

TheProfoundPorcupine's avatar

I think Shippy has given you some very sound advice.

I would sit and write down the different questions you would like to ask him but I would start by asking about this other girl, the role his family plays such as how much are they forcing him to marry this girl, and then after he has answered those kind of questions I would then move on to asking him about his feelings towards you.

It appears to me that there is a lot of confusion as to what is actually going on and even as a friend he should be able to explain it to you in an adult way so that you both know where you stand with one another. I certainly would not surprise him with this kind of conversation as this could make him close up and just not discuss it and you would then feel worse due to not getting anywhere.

romysingh's avatar

Thanx a lot Shippy for the wonderfull advice.It actually cleared many of my insecurities and confusions… But i did not get very serious very early , it was only when he told me about that other girl did i react and that ex was always there in his life even when he asked me out , when he was courting me , only thing is i dint know that her existence is so important , i took her only as a good friend.And his family is not at all asking or forcing him to marry her , he has not even told them that she cheated on him and stuff , its he who wants to wait for her to say yes.As for people talking , only our common friends know that we have broken up nobody else knows because he never leaves my side , and that does not leave any scope for anyone to guess about our relationship and i behave perfectly cordial , but the thing is everynight when i go back to my room and shut my door , all my daylong frustration and pain comes out . I literally feel pity for myself at that time.But yes i have decided today i will talk to him about this very calmly , once the exams end and yes i really dont kiss and tell :-) Lets see what happens…. wish me luck , wish that he comes back…..

romysingh's avatar

thanx @TheProfoundPorcupine i will ask about his feelings for me which he always says are pue and only love. But he has stopped expressing any of these feelings , he ends up kissing me , hugging me , touching me but i love u has stopped coming out of his mouth….But yes i will start by asking for his feelings for me if you guys say so , because i really am clueless as what to do….

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