General Question

sarentrinity's avatar

How do I make myself more physically, and emotionally affectionate?

Asked by sarentrinity (10 points ) January 7th, 2013

I have a struggle not only giving, but accepting all demonstrations of any touching or kissing. Not because I have mental issues, or feel insecure at all! But because I’ve never had a chance to get use to it, or learn to do it. I need to know how to relax and enjoy it, and not tense up, and reject it. I want to feel it, and give it. Just don’t know how.

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13 Answers

SABOTEUR's avatar

Welcome to Fluther!

Great question, though I’m certain I don’t have the answer. I’m not even sure there’s a “how” involved…perhaps affection is a feeling developed as relationships evolve.

I’m sure you’ll get many more informed responses, so don’t fret.

I look forward to seeing you throughout the community.

ninjacolin's avatar

uh.. ever played an RPG before? You seem to have described a lack of experience so how about we try something like this:

Each hug from someone you trust is worth 5 experience points.

By the end of the day. Get yourself up to 30 points and you win.

mattbrowne's avatar

Do you agree with the following statements: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.” ?

If yes, maybe this article might give you some insights: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

If no, I suggest that you think of touching like “taking your vitamins”, because touching releases oxytocin and a lack of oxytocin, like a lack of vitamins, can be unhealthy.

In order to relax before touching you could listen to slow and romantic music while observing your breathing in and out.

snowberry's avatar

A doctor suggested this for me: After a bath take a dry loofah sponge link and rub yourself all over your body. It will not only stimulate your immune system, but give you the benefits of being touched without having to deal with people. It also helps to integrate your nervous system, and get it used to new sensations. I was told to do this every day.

dabbler's avatar

Take it slowly, and let whomever you’re touching and who is touching you that you want to go slowly.
Abandon the idea that there is a way to do it ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ – except for pain, most people don’t want any pain in their affection, and if they do that’s a special case.
Try some long slow hugs with someone you trust.
@snowberry‘s suggestion with the loofah sounds great, a good way to get to know your own skin, so to speak.

snowberry's avatar

You could also give yourself “hugs”. Wrap a large bath towel around your shoulders, grab the ends, and squeeze. Do repetitively throughout the day. You need the stimulation. It won’t help with interpersonal stuff, but it’s one more thing to help integrate your nervous system.

Oh, and regarding the loofah, doc specified a natural fiber- not a man-made one, so don’t bother with a plastic bristle hair brush. She said it does make a difference.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Welcome to fluther. How old are you? Experience does play a part in this. It’s also a lot about trust with the person your trying this with. When you learn to trust your partner, it becomes a lot easier to really get into touching and feeling each other.

Response moderated
marinelife's avatar

Practice, practice, practice.

burntbonez's avatar

Is there anyone you have an intimate relationship with? It helps to get these kinds of touches from someone you trust. Also there are probably hugging workshops at various places around the world, like Hug Therapy Workshops © in Western Pennsylvania and WeLoveHugging in London.

LostInParadise's avatar

Just out of curiosity, do you have the same problem with non-humans? Can you comfortably rub a dog’s back or scratch its head?

Sunny2's avatar

Is your family affectionate with each other? If not, you may well have problems with giving and receiving affection. Don’t rush it. Wait until you know the affection seeking person well enough to touch shoulder to shoulder. Then holding hands. You should be able to talk to the person about your lack of experience before experiencing more.

wundayatta's avatar

Practice makes perfect. You have to practice and practice and practice and eventually you will do it more naturally. Just make yourself do it.

Or stop worrying about it.

I love to be touched. I love intimate touch most of all. I grew up in a family where we got no touch at all. The only people who touched were my parents. I guess that’s where I learned that if you want touch, it had better be intimate touch. But guess what? My wife and I hug all the time. Intimacy? Not so much.

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