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Introverted_Leo's avatar

How long should I wait before contacting a guy I've been corresponding with on OkCupid?

Asked by Introverted_Leo (1836 points ) January 9th, 2013

Ok, so FYI: I’m preeeetty new to using online dating sites. I’m a 24-year old chick who’s decided to dip her toes into these new waters, so to speak.

So I signed up on OkCupid not long ago, and a few weeks in the Quiver matched me with this one particular guy (also 24) who caught my interest. So I shot him a creative message. Well, he took the bait and we went back and forth conversing for about three days.

I figured then would be a good time to ask if he’d like to meet; I gave him my number.

I didn’t hear anything for a couple of days, so I shot him a friendly message saying hey, how are you…nothing intrusive. He got back to me that night apologizing for things being “a little hectic lately”; apparently his best friend’s mother had passed away only a few days before. :/

To try and make a long story short, he told me he’d like to meet me soon (b/c I seem “cool” and similar to him and he thinks he’d feel comfortable around me “almost instantly”), but there were a few things I should know about him first: (1) he has trust issues, which are of no fault of my own; (2) he’s slow when it comes to relationships and prefers a “friends first” policy in these matters; and (3) he thinks it’s likely he’ll have to move out of state to secure a job once he graduates from college in May. Yes, so he told me all this up front and said that if I didn’t mind any of this and would be okay with keeping things low-pressure/without expectations…well, just to let him know what I think.

So I gave him my condolences on his friend’s mother and that situation. Told him I understood, having had three deaths in my family/friend circle over the past year and a half. I told him I don’t mind being friends first because I’ve never gotten romantically involved with a guy I wasn’t already familiar with anyway. So yeah, I said, I’d still like to meet.

I reminded him that he has my number and said to take his time.

Now, this was on the 5th, and I wasn’t planning on contacting him again for at least another 2 weeks if I don’t hear back from him before then, but I’m just wondering…is 2 weeks a fair-ish amount of time? I’m also wondering what people’s thoughts are about everything he laid out on the table for me—slow to relationships, trust issues, friends first, etc. (Oh, and for those who care…I’m a Leo and he’s a Pisces, lol.)

Sorry, that wasn’t so short, haha. Anyhow, just looking for a few opinions here. :)

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14 Answers

tranquilsea's avatar

I don’t think there are any predetermined times for contacting someone you’re interested in. You could keep going with the e-mails back and forth and just wait to see if he does call. If he doesn’t then he probably isn’t that interested and you may want to move on. The thing is some one who is interested would be calling you to set up a date.

Coloma's avatar

You’ve been keeping up the end of the communications, so let him take the next step, if there is going to be one. You have already initiated all of the current communications it seems. Step back, let it unfold.
Also, what his disclosures mean is that he may not be available emotionally OR geographically available, now or later.

Friends first is a wise choice, but then there is the possible moving away IF you two were to really connect.
If you think you can handle what he’s offering then go for it, but if you are looking for the potential of a more serious blending the guy is a -10 on the risk of failure to launch and stay in orbit. lol

janbb's avatar

It sounds like he is throwing up a lot of obstacles and may not be that interested.

zenvelo's avatar

In my experience on-line dating, you have to be a bit brutal sometimes.

I would give him until this Friday afternoon. If you haven’t heard from him by then, send him a note saying you were hoping he’d have called by then, and to call you if he is still interested, but that you won;t be writing him again. Then you need to not initiate anything unless he calls you. And don’t expect a call.

If he calls bewildered why you are not breathlessly awaiting him, remind him there are a lot of guys on OK Cupid and you were looking to date, not sit at home waiting.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

And remind him that in all honesty you are not trying to be a bitch about it.

There’s a fine line between being a complete bitch about it, and being brutal. Be careful which side of that line you decide to stay on.

tedd's avatar

I have done online dating on and off for the past 5–6 years. It’s how I met my current g/f of two years.

In my experience once you reach the talking phase on the website (I used OKcupid as well as plenty of fish and back in the day yahoo), if things are flowing and the conversation is going well… I would usually ask a girl if she wanted to meet up sometime after maybe a few days of back and forth talking. Rarely did I suggest exchanging phone numbers for the purpose of talking that way first, but that may have just been me. The friends mom thing may throw that off though.

Honestly I would just put out a communication and then keep looking for matches. Either he comes back or he doesn’t, but no need to halt your search on his account.

Introverted_Leo's avatar

Thanks, everyone, for the responses so far. :)

While I try not to be rude or too forward with guys (I hate being mean), I’ve also dumped one in the past for taking his sweet time getting back to me on impotant matters, lol. (Honestly, nothing pisses me off more than leaving me hanging like that.) I just wanted to make sure I’ve been fair up to this point with this OKC guy, especially since he’s trying to be there for his mourning friend.

I’ll give him a couple more day, as @zenvelo suggested, then send my final message and see what happens.

marinelife's avatar

I don’t see why you are interested in this guy. If he’s not responsive now how is he going to be once you start going out?

Move on.

Coloma's avatar

I don’t see the need for any “final message.” Let it be. If he doesn’t actually take some definitive ACTION to set up a meeting in the next few weeks, let him go.
Actions do speak louder than words. If someone is really interested in you they are going to pounce quickly, not drag their feet for weeks on end.

burntbonez's avatar

How interested are you? You don’t sound that interested, so I’d say let it go. But if you are, then pursue your own interest. You can always email. If he isn’t interested, he won’t reply. Or if he is interested but is overwhelmed, he won’t reply. But then it becomes (or is) a matter of bad timing. I hope you are pursuing other leads and not waiting for him. There is no point in waiting for anyone. The old, you snooze, you lose, thing.

Introverted_Leo's avatar

@marinelife: I’m interested in him because we share very similar outlooks on life as well as favorite pastimes.

@burntbonez: I am actually pretty interested; if I wasn’t I wouldn’t even be spending time deliberating on whether I’m handling this situation fairly, lol. And though I’ve been keeping an eye out for other prospects in the meantime, there isn’t anyone else I’ve got in my sights at the moment. As such, I don’t have a line of prospective guys I’m just waiting to check off a list.

I get the feeling he’s more fearful than not interested; after all, he did return my reply promptly and tell me up front he was hesitant about meeting someone from OkCupid before admitting he’d still like to meet “soon.” Though, like you said, perhaps it’s just bad timing. :/ If that’s the case, then there’s nothing more I can do, I guess.

@Coloma: you are right in that I have been pretty much responsible for keeping up communications so far.

Tbh, I seem to be helplessly drawn to shyer guys and I’ve been the Initiator in the past; didn’t exactly work for me, heh. I don’t mind being the first to express interest, but it would be nice for the guy to step up and show a little initiative!

I mean just set a time and date already, right? Even if it is a week or so out. Not that hard, really…

* sighs *

Anyway, considering my tendencies…it would probably be best to just let it be. (Problem is I can become kinda anxious/impatient when I’m really interested in someone, lol. Hard to just step back, as you say…)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My instinct is to let him call you. He needs to want to do that. I know it can be hard to wait and to not take matters into your own hands (boy, am i guilty of this over and over) but if he has your number, he needs to want to get in touch, rather than respond to you. If he doesn’t, forget him, not worth it.

Paradox25's avatar

I’m a slow starter friends first type of guy myself. I also know that I wouldn’t be on a dating site looking for a serious relationship if I had too much baggage to hinder me from dating to begin with. The ball is in his court to take this further here, so I’m going to tell you the same thing I would tell a guy in this scenerio: don’t pursue him/her because initial interest in someone should be enough if they’re interested in you back. Move on.

Introverted_Leo's avatar

Thanks for all of your answers, everyone. I waited to see if he’d contact me and he hasn’t, so I’ve moved on.

Currently on to a different guy—who actually took the time to pursue ME. We’ll see how that goes…lol.

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