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poisonedantidote's avatar

(NSFW) what is the most offensive joke you know?

Asked by poisonedantidote (21549 points ) January 10th, 2013

Out of all the jokes you know, what is the most offensive one?

EDIT: This has not been asked in a while, and we have new users now.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

102 Answers

Sunny2's avatar

How many men does it take to tile a kitchen floor?
Only one, but you have to slice him very thin.

jonsblond's avatar

The Aristocrats joke. Told by Gilbert Gottfried

(you did ask for most offensive. I have a feeling some won’t make it past the first 3 minutes of the joke)

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

Right off the top of my head.

What’s better than fucking a three year old boy in the ass?
(You must answer this with a vacant, non-blinking experession-like a cat licking it’s ass and getting that far away stare on it’s face, mixed with no verbal emotion whatsoever)
“Absolutely nothing.”

or

What’s the best part of fucking a two year old girl?
Hearing her pelvic bone crack.

Hey man, you asked

bob_'s avatar

What’s so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she’ll swallow.

deni's avatar

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.

DominicX's avatar

The one I think of is: What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven. That’s pretty bad. Next to the whole “I’m not racist because I have a black guy in my family tree—been hanging there for three days.”

And a more funny one just for S&G: What’s the difference between your mom and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t follow me around after I drop a load in it.

deni's avatar

@DominicX I love the mom one!!!

bob_'s avatar

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can’t peanut butter my dick in your ass.

zensky's avatar

GQ

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal You seemed to enjoy telling that one a little too much. I am keeping my eye on you and my kids far away.

I am a Jew – as some of you may know. Well, I am a G-d fearing Atheist, left leaning Conservative – America loving Jew. So I guess I am Jew-ish.

One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea. The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, “Please God, don’t let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!” Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said,“He had a hat!”

Harold's avatar

US gun laws. The most offensive joke I know.

Symbeline's avatar

How can you save a baby from drowning?

Get your foot off his head.

AshLeigh's avatar

What happens if you’re black and Jewish?
You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Baboom cha.

El_Cadejo's avatar

What’s the worst part about having sex with your grandmother?
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Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Symbeline's avatar

@uberbatman That’s not really offending but…it’s pretty fucking gross. XD

mazingerz88's avatar

The White House after Obama moved in should have been called the Black House. Chakchakaah-!

Symbeline's avatar

@mazingerz88 When he moved in there, he replaced the tennis court with a basketball court.

ragingloli's avatar

They say that Princess Diana would have survived if she had worn a seat belt.
Absolute nonsense. You try snorting cocaine off a cock while wearing a seat belt.

What did the people in the second tower think when the plane hit the first tower?
“Glad that I am not in that tower. Lucky!”

amujinx's avatar

Did you hear about the black man who was found dead in Alabama, hanging from a tree? He had been dragged by a car, wrapped in barbed wire, his eyes were gouged out and he had been raped. Cops said it was the worst case of suicide they ever saw.

What does 80 year old pussy taste like?
Depends.

What’s black and white and red all over?
An interracial couple in a car crash.

If an area loses electricity, what are the two things that are most important to get power back first?
Refrigerators and hospitals. If either doesn’t have electricity, you know you are going to lose a lot of vegetables.

From Frankie Boyle when he was on Mock the Week:
Category: Lines you wouldn’t hear in a superhero film
“Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it’s heading right for the World Trade Center.”

rooeytoo's avatar

I don’t have a disgusting joke but I just have to say I love @zensky‘s description of himself. Except for the Jewish part, I think that describes me also! I am going to use it, unless you have it patented?

GloriaEstefan's avatar

What’s the difference between an elementary school janitor and a gay guy? The janitor gets paid to look at little boys.

bkcunningham's avatar

@jonsblond, you are right. I couldn’t make it through the first three minutes of the joke. I can’t stand Gwyneth Paltrow.

livelaughlove21's avatar

They say there’s safety in numbers.

Tell that to 6 million Jews.

jonsblond's avatar

@bkcunningham haha. I really needed that laugh this morning. :)

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What are three things you can’t give a black man?

A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Why did Hitler cry when he arrived at heaven’s gates?

God handed him his gas bill.

GloriaEstefan's avatar

How come there aren’t any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because Puerto Ricans don’t work in the future either.

ragingloli's avatar

What was the ‘red matter’ in Star Trek XI, that created black holes, made of?
American blood.

livelaughlove21's avatar

From the same comedian, Jimmy Carr…

“On the subject of abortion a lot of people support a woman’s right to choose. Well, I think, if I’m paying…

…I’m joking, I never pay. It doesn’t cost anything to fall down the stairs, does it? I swear, some of these girls think I’m made of coat hangers.”

DrBill's avatar

World’s oldest survivor of Auschwitz dies aged 108.
He said that the Nazi’s treated him terribly. ‘4 years in that gun tower and not one promotion’.
.
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Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have…..

Fred and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Fred suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse/Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Fred hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry…

How soon can I go home?”

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My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend
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I have a moral objection to the idea of incest, . . . . . which is why I choose to adopt.
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Despite all my efforts to help, my Paki neighbour burned to death Theres a limit to how much saliva i can spit
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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife’s body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her face. “I can’t be certain,” I told them.

The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. “Sorry, but I’m still not sure.”

They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. “That’s definitely not her, Officer. My wife’s not black.”
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ....And she’s always sound asleep.”
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I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur’an on DVD…
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
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The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO’s office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, “B&Q nails: they get the job done.” The CEO is irritated and says, “That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!”

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, “B&Q nails: they hold anything!” The CEO is furious and yells, “JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!”

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, “We should have used B&Q nails!”

Blackberry's avatar

How do you pick up chicks in Auschwitz?

With a dustpan.

I am so sorry. Lol.

Coloma's avatar

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal OMG! Yep, those are BAD, baaaad, baaad, evil bad! lol

I like this little ditty

What did Jeffrey Dalhmer sing on the way to his refrigerator?

My baloney has a first name…..

AshLeigh's avatar

Oscar Myer has a way with B O L O G N A!

flutherother's avatar

What goes green green green green red green red green red red red red?
A frog in a blender.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

Do you know what’s better than having sex with a 70 year old woman?
Turning her on her stomache and pretending she’s a 70 year olf man.

What’s red, slimy and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@Coloma Yes, they are quite offensive and that’s why I like them.

zensky's avatar

Gene Roddenbery was asked by a prominent Arab why there weren’t any of his race in Star Trek to which he replied that it is set in the future.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

A priest and a Jew are sitting on a park bench talking all of the sudden a little boy goes by on his bicycle. The priest says, “Let’s fuck him,” to which the Jew responds, “out of what?”

Do you know what’s better than nailing a baby to a tree?
Ripping it off of one!

Do you know what’s the worst part about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.

zensky's avatar

Somehow I envision you actually attempting these things – am I wrong?

jonsblond's avatar

Some lovely jokes from Gilbert Gottfried. Japan tsunami jokes that Aflac didn’t appreciate:

I fucked a girl in Japan. She screamed “I feel the earth move and I’m getting wet”.

What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “There will be another one floating by any minute now.”

Coloma's avatar

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal Man kid, I’m outta the loop of depravity, clearly. lol

Coloma contributes bad “ass” humor.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears but, every once in awhile you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye. :-p

El_Cadejo's avatar

Ya know, I’m pretty offended by all these Nazi/Jew jokes. My great grandfather died at Auschwitz. He fell out of a guard tower.

I don’t know if its considered offensive or not, but I love me some Helen Keller jokes. My favorite being, “have you ever seen a picture of Helen Keller’s father?” (to which everyone responds no) “Yea, neither has she.”

amujinx's avatar

@uberbatman Here’s a thread from 4chan’s /b/ board that took that joke even further.

@jonsblond Gottfried also did one then that said something along the lines of, “The Japanese are so advanced. They no longer go to the beach, they have the beach come to them”.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@amujinx you dont talk about /b/ :P

ragingloli's avatar

@uberbatman
That rule only applies to raids.

DrBill's avatar

What’s the difference between a normal everyday piece of ass and the best pussy you ever had?
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about 1½”

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@zensky Yes you are wrong. I have a warped sense of humor. But the key phrase is “sense of humor.”

I see a few 9/11 and Holocaust jokes on here, but yet you don’t seem disturbed by these. Do you really think the people making those jokes participates in mass murder as well?

zensky's avatar

Hey. I’m kidding. Kind of.

bob_'s avatar

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive?
Because she was a woman.

rooeytoo's avatar

Guess I am just an old fuddy duddy but I simply don’t find humor in sexism, or sexist jokes that depict females as pieces of flesh instead of equal human beings, that is my tender spot. I find it surprising that fluther is so intolerant of and will mod words (the 3 forbidden, nigger, faggot and retard) that are designed to offend but will allow jokes about these subjects. Doesn’t seem kosher to me (word borrowed from my jewish mates). But I guess jokes about the 3 forbidden words somehow manage to stay on the right side of the fine line.

Blackberry's avatar

After hurricane sandy hit the northeast, I saw a joke that said “I guess New York decided to dress up as New Orleans for halloween.”

DeanV's avatar

I wish the holocaust happened.

It’s antisemitism and holocaust denial all wrapped up in a single sentence.

bob_'s avatar

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

Blondesjon's avatar

How many blacks does it take to tar a roof?

Two if you slice them real thin.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@zensky I thought and hoped so.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@Coloma It’s ok. There’s plenty more where that came from.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@rooeytoo My tender spot would be the jokes having to do with dead babies or child molestation. I just can’t find any humor in them at all. I can tolerate the rest.

DrBill's avatar

Have you tried the new bar drink, the Sandy ?
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it’s not really new, it’s just a watered down Manhattan.

zensky's avatar

Ohhhhhh @DrBill – too soooooooon.

DrBill's avatar

@zensky , sorry, but the question was “most offensive” and it is.

deni's avatar

@DrBill ooo i love it.

zensky's avatar

@Drbill It was great!

What did the US drop on the children of Afghanistan?

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Sweet, sweet vengeance.

ragingloli's avatar

Who was the happiest when Osama Bin Laden was assassinated?
The real perpetrators of 9/11, George Bush and Dick Cheney.

glacial's avatar

@rooeytoo Whoa, I think we just agreed on something.

amujinx's avatar

One I was just told today: What’s the difference between Hitler and Micheal Phelps?

Micheal Phelps can actually finish a race.

ragingloli's avatar

The real difference is that Phelps used the right chemicals to finish the race.

rooeytoo's avatar

@glacial – don’t we usually agree??? I thought we were best buds!!! :-)

glacial's avatar

@rooeytoo lol, sure – I’m best buds with lots of people I disagree with!

livelaughlove21's avatar

I’m watching Anthony Jeselnik’s stand-up right now and, while I’m not too impressed, he just said something I thought was worth posting here.

“My girlfriend has a great story about why she’s not religious anymore. She said that, when she was a kid, over parents took a 20 pound crucifix and hung it over her bed. Two weeks later, the crucifix fell off of the wall and left a two inch gash on the back of her father’s head.”

rojo's avatar

Q: What is a redneck virgin?

A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

rojo's avatar

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

ragingloli's avatar

How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews found a penny.

rojo's avatar

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, “I’d like to come in.”

St Peter: “Not likely!”

Hitler: I’ve repented and I’ve given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I’m really sorry.”

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what’s going on.

St Peter: “It’s Hitler here, he wants to come in.”

Jesus: “Bugger off!”

Hitler: “No, it’s true! To prove it, I’ve got a six foot solid gold cross I can’t find the owner of. I could give that to you.”

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.

Jesus: “Hey Dad, I’ve got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he’s repented.”

God: “Tell him to get lost!”

Jesus: “But Dad, he’s given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews – except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can’t find the owner for. He says I can have it.”

God: “And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn’t even carry a fuckin’ wooden one!”

zensky's avatar

A Rabbi and a Priest are discussing donations… the Priest says everything he collects goes to charity in the name of the Lord. The Rabbi says, “I just put it all in a hat – toss it in the air – and say Keep what you want!.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@ragingloli lol thanks for postin that. Love QI and Stephen Fry.

rojo's avatar

Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

rojo's avatar

Jesus is on one of his regular rounds through purgatory making judgement calls when he comes across Adolf Hitler and sits down to talk to him;

Jesus: So Adolf, if you had your life to live over again what would you do different?

Hitler: I would kill six million Jews and two clowns.

Jesus: Why two clowns?

Hitler: See! See! NOBODY give a fuck about the Jews!

zensky's avatar

Gives.

ragingloli's avatar

@rojo
You think that is offensive?
Watch this

rojo's avatar

@zensky , @ragingloli I stand corrected.

rojo's avatar

I have one about SandyHook but I think it is too soon.
And anyway, its a recycled one updated to current events.

ragingloli's avatar

@rojo
Spill it.
There is no such thing as “too soon”.

RareDenver's avatar

What’s the best thing about fucking 23 year olds?

There’s 20 of them.

You should see the look my wife gives me when I tell this joke… I don’t tell this joke anymore

rojo's avatar

@RareDenver Yeah, I got the same reaction at the gang rape joke.

Blondesjon's avatar

@RareDenver . . . you’re really making me want to move to leeds

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@ragingloli That link with the Jesus cartoon was one of the most offensive, disgusting, things I have ever seen. Keep up the good work! lol

Kayak8's avatar

There was an elderly man at the retirement home named Harold. After some time at the home, Harold became sweet on Edna. They would take walks together after dinner and Harold would proclaim his love for her. One evening he asked her if she could just hold his member in her hand. Edna agreed and Harold unzipped his trousers to allow her access. This went on for a number of weeks until one day Edna went to look for Harold after dinner and found him sitting on a park bench with Helen holding his member. Edna was very angry and later confronted Harold, “What’s Helen got that I haven’t got?” she asked. “Parkinsons,” he replied.

ragingloli's avatar

I heard that the teachers that graduate at the top of their class go on to teach special needs children, and I was thinking; is that not a bit of a waste?

rojo's avatar

George Carlin: “Why is it that all the women who are against abortion are the ones you wouldn’t want to fuck anyway?”

rojo's avatar

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. “You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain,” said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional “he will get over it,” and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump – Thump – squish – Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams “What the hell are you doing?” The boy replies, “It’s not so funny when its your mom, is it?”

Symbeline's avatar

@rojo LOL that was awesome. XD

rojo's avatar

Not really obscene, I just like it.

Q: What is the difference between Pussy and Parsley?

A: Nobody ever eats Parsley.

DrBill's avatar

Q: Whats the difference between just a normal piece of ass and the best pussy you have ever had?
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A: about 1½”

rojo's avatar

Q: Why does a penis have a knob at the end of the shaft?

A: To keep your hand from flying off and hitting you in the face.

Symbeline's avatar

Not offending or nothing, but;

A dick has a miserable life. His hair’s a mess, his family’s nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole and his best friend’s a pussy.

rojo's avatar

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

ragingloli's avatar

“Jesus will come after 2000 years,” the priest told me.
“When will you come?” I asked, “my knees can’t take it any longer.”

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