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ucme's avatar

Venting hostile nonsense in a thread to a user you don't like, keep it to yourself or take it to PM?

Asked by ucme (38646 points ) January 14th, 2013

Either suits me fine, but it seems some feel the need to promote their own pathetic agenda. I’m not talking about folks who need “calling out” when a clear lie or error has been passed off as fact, just the few who seem to actively seek confrontation.
It adds nothing to a thread, indeed, the petty ramblings serve only to distract from the original theme.
If you can’t put up then shut up!

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79 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

Is this about my previous question? Doesn’t really rattle me. But I do wonder if you have ever helped solve a problem.

JLeslie's avatar

Depends.

Some heated conversations on Q’s I get a kick out of, as long as there is no name calling or very abusive words being used. As long as both users who are arguing seem to be able to carry their own weight and emotionally handle the debate I don’t mind it, as long as it is relavant at least somewhat to the original question. If one of the jellies seems upset or overwhelmed, then I think it should stop.

I have vented on Q’s when PMing multiple times with a particular jellie to stop their behavior towards me didn’t work, and they just continued to upset me on many Q’s. Actually, there is only one jelly I have ever felt the need to tell them to back off. In the end, ironically, a PM ended my frustration on the matter. Now I could care less about it.

ucme's avatar

@himupthere Nowt like talking about yourself…again, don’t flatter yourself man, you are but a small cog in a big wheel…who rattled your cage then?
As for not solving any problems, wasn’t aware that was fluther’s one & only purpose, but still.

filmfann's avatar

I have banged heads with another jelly. We would be rough on each other on the questions, so much so that we were asked to take it somewhere else by the mods even though we both said we were affectionately kidding (we weren’t).
He/she has left fluther (the he/she is really more question of his manhood than an attempt to be vague at his identity), so we are both happier.

dabbler's avatar

I go to PM for the opposite, usually to cheer on a fellow jelly who is battling some nitwit.
If I had a real issue I’d probably try to enlist a moderator for assistance.

I love a good respectful argument. Nothing personal, here’s the facts and what they seem to mean and with opinions stated as opinions, without insulting insinuation to the other side.
“Venting hostile nonsense” is probably only useful with like minded folks who understand you’re just getting it off your chest, i.e. it’s not part of constructive dialogue, and it doesn’t mean anything but emotional expression.

I have little patience for blather that is negative, vague, insulting… it’s lazy and uninformative. Folks who spout like that think way too much of their opinions and won’t be swayed. Attempting dialogue with them is a waste of time, I think, and I often just go to some other question when I see it.
I’m long past the time when I felt it necessary to prove I can out-bitch someone else or browbeat them. That’s just too easy and the results are unsatisfying except to the reptile brain.

And if you don’t agree with me you have the brains of a turtle, not a smart turtle either, one of those turtles that…

glacial's avatar

I really don’t like getting PMs from people who have an issue with something I’ve said in a question (no, this does not happen often). Just say it in the question! I have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither should they. Sending someone a PM to rant about what they’ve posted is rude. I should be able to bow out of a discussion without having someone follow me home to complain at me.

Of course, I have also been extremely weirded out by exactly the opposite behaviour. I once had a heated debate with someone on a question, only to have that person send me sickly-sweet PMs concurrently. When I asked the person to stop sending me the PMs, insults were hurled. Baffling.

PMs are great for certain things, but I wish people would not try to “take it outside” if they’re already having a discussion in one place. In my experience, it leads nowhere good.

Coloma's avatar

I never PM anyone to continue some dead end discussion or to get the last word in.
I express my passion or sentiments in the thread and then abandon it when things go too far south. I could care less about convincing anyone of my POV, I just toss out my .02 and there you have it. I agree with @dabbler long gone are the days where I feel some need for validation.

The only topic that can get me fired up is when people rationalize lying and deceptive practices to save their own ass, especially in relationships. I have zero tolerance for duplicity and cowardly lions.

ucme's avatar

I’ve never sent or received a negative PM, simply haven’t got it in me, all friendly banter…except for that one time, but I was provoked miss, honest!
What I was getting at was, if you must be a miserable, argumentitive fucker, then take it away from an otherwise constructive, pleasant thread.
Ideally of course, as I say, keep that shit to yourselves…easy really, or so you’d imagine.

tranquilsea's avatar

If it’s a Jelly you don’t like then you should stay away from them. Why seek them out and cause problems? I don’t understand that kind of behaviour. There may be some value to starting a back and forth via PMs but I think that when someone dislikes someone else it’s their own problem.

The moderators do a good job of jumping on abusive behaviour. We should let the moderators do their jobs.

ucme's avatar

@tranquilsea No, no, i’m speaking in general terms. To be more specific, far from seeking out anyone, it’s a case of answering a question & certain individuals feel the need to have a dig, often without foundation. It happens fairly frequently, very rarely to me & even then I think it’s funny more than anything else.
It is what it is anyway, nothing new about it, just a by-product of sites like these, unfortunate, but there you go.

Coloma's avatar

@tranquilsea Well…yes and no. We are all free to choose our responses but sometimes someone is unlikeable because they ARE unlikeable. Nasty, assumptive, childish with an ego the size of a small country. What’s to like about that?

tranquilsea's avatar

@ucme I’ve seen that and I don’t like that either. No one likes to be ganged up on. Reading some posts I’ve wondered who died and made them king/queen.

@Coloma I understand that some people are unlikable. I have people I don’t particularly like on this site too. But I think most Jellies would be hard pressed to know who because I don’t let myself rip into someone. If someone stepped over a line and I felt I needed to say something I’d do so via a PM and not on the thread. That petty “did not, did too” can kill a site pretty fast because no one wants to hear it/read it. And it tends to embolden more people to do the same. When I’ve been on sites where members have had free reign to discipline other members where they see fit I’ve often wondered when my time was going to come up. This world could use a lot more compassion.

ucme's avatar

@tranquilsea Yeah, i’ll most likely be accused of moaning, nowt like flipping the point!
Not in the least bit moaning, like I say, I just laugh it off, but it’s a discrepancy worth mentioning anyway.

Coloma's avatar

@tranquilsea I agree, just say’in that once I identify someone to be difficult, not a one time thing, or occasional moment that we can all be prone to having, but a pattern of how they continually show up, I avoid them.
Bottom line, there are lots of really dysfunctional people out there and compassion, like charity, begins at home. I will certainly remove myself from harms way as an act of compassion towards myself first and foremost of all.
So sorry you have issues, but I’m not going to be target of your dysfunction.

tranquilsea's avatar

@Coloma I understand that in life I’m not going to like everyone. Nor will everyone like me. C’est la vie. I happen to like you :)

Seek's avatar

I’ve had it out with people publicly before. It’s the worst when they are friends. In fact, I had a public break-up with a couple of long-time online friends right here on Fluther. That was a long time ago, though. Over two years.

Coloma's avatar

@tranquilsea Touche! I like everyone on this page too!
There are only a very few citizens in this multi-horse town that I would happily pull the big horse out of the pasture and get a rope for. lol

ucme's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr Not a pleasant experience, but I’m guessing you more than held your own…right?

Seek's avatar

Oh yeah. If there’s one thing I don’t stand for, it’s hypocrisy.

zensky's avatar

@ucme You miss me doncha?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

<spews hostile nonsense all over @ucme but does it nekkid, covered in chocolate, to soften the blow>

zensky's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate I’ll work for some chocolate…

ucme's avatar

@zensky As I think I touched on the other day, I did enjoy our early “exchanges” on here…highly amusing.

ucme's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate Soften? Blow? You just made me hard…yeah baby yeah!! ;-}

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Oh God. I totally just heard that in Austin Powers’ voice, thought of his giant chest forest, and lost my ladyboner. :(

ucme's avatar

Desired effect achieved…result!

zensky's avatar

@ucme Can’t touch this.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Come to me, Sir Patrick. I’ve had the hots for you since I was 12. It doesn’t hurt that you’re still sexy at age 72…

ucme's avatar

@zensky No “hammer time” for you trekkie, I bat for the other team…you follow?

Yeahright's avatar

The definition of hostile in this site is not clear to me at all. So I don’t really know how to answer this question. Any direct address to another member asking them for clarification of a point or commenting on their comment is taken by mods as if you are looking for a hostile confrontation and then they feel the urge to mod your comments. No matter how carefully you choose the words. It is beyond annoying. I already left once, and I am about to leave again. I can’t just be a passive participant of threads and just read stuff and not feel free to comment on it. On the other hand, some people do confront you and you are pushed to put up with it and never defend yourself, just be passive, be a victim, so that you don’t get modded. It is so against my assertive personality.
I got modded today because I dared to ask a member directly what he meant by a statement he made. No matter the tone was civil.No matter I used facts and try to explain matters in the easiest calmest possible way. So you would think it’d be better to PM the person directly asking them for clarification or whatever, but then you risk the other member to think you are stalking them or that you are very angry with them, or that it is personal, or whatever, when what you really want is just to understand and clarify stuff.

So, the problem here is that you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

augustlan's avatar

@Yeahright Your comments were modded for being off-topic in the General Section, along with the other off-topic comments in that thread. Not for being hostile.

ucme's avatar

@Yeahright It can seem like walking on eggshells at times & I concede your point, but hey, don’t leave, I may even sulk a little if you do.

Yeahright's avatar

@augustlan I was not off-topic and I explained in detail why I wasn’t off-topic, but my explanation was also modded.

@ucme I know…and you know it is the laughs that make me stay :)

ucme's avatar

@Yeahright As good a reason as any in my book :-)

augustlan's avatar

@Yeahright Asking for clarification is one thing, but your continual side conversation (including your response to the mod asking everyone to get back on topic) was really derailing the thread. It seems obvious to the mod team that it was off-topic. You are, of course, free to disagree.

You can see that your post asking for clarification was not removed. My point is that you weren’t modded for disputing another member’s answer (aka “being hostile”, in your book). You (and others) were modded because you kept talking about the disagreement, rather than the actual question.

Yeahright's avatar

@augustlan I never asked anyone to get back on topic. Please don’t put words in my mouth. I said that if the mod were to mod all the people that had gotten off-topic she would end up with only 2–3 answers and proceeded to list the turn that the answers to the question had gotten. And yes, I disagree. A lot of things seem obvious to the mod team anyway. I’m not surprised.

augustlan's avatar

I wasn’t saying you asked people to get back on topic, I was saying you responded to the mod who asked people to get back on topic.

Yeahright's avatar

@augustlan In other words, do not respond to the mods when they intervene or else…OK point taken.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

OMFGSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!

Okay, I feel better.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Now I truly understand how thankless the mods job is. @augustlan Thanks so so much for all your work on here.

augustlan's avatar

@Yeahright Sigh. If a moderator says “Let’s get back on topic”, you replying to that in the thread is clearly off-topic. If you want to discuss something with a mod, do it in an appropriate thread or via PM. Don’t continue to derail the conversation the mod is trying to get back on track.

Yeahright's avatar

@augustlan Rolls eyes. OK point taken again. Wish I had the time to PM mods for stuff like that.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

<bangs head on desk>

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Yeahright Why don’t you explain your line of thought. Believe me, that wasn’t my first thought but go ahead and explain your thinking.

Brian1946's avatar

When I vent my hostile nonsense, I like to do it discreetly: a few questions in all caps, some billboards, and a few TV ads are all I need to get my bluntly rounded point across. ;-)

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Brian1946 I prefer to do it over the loudspeaker at the grocery store.

rooeytoo's avatar

I hate it when people insult me but stay on the right side of the “fine line” between insults which are allowed and personal attacks which are not. This has happened a couple of times and I get tired of it. If you are not capable of disagreeing with someone without insults then you really should grow up!

(Last time I said this I received a PM saying it is not “cool” to carry a grudge in public. So there is another facet of the fine line, insults are okay but pointing them out is carrying a public grudge and not “cool.” Maybe I’ll get another PM for this!)

zensky's avatar

FaceHomerPalm.

wundayatta's avatar

To get back on topic for a second, I have learned that it is a bad idea to take things to PM. In PM, you think no one is watching, so if someone is harassing you, you might really tear into them. Unfortunately, if that person complain, your PMs can be reviewed and then you get a warning.

It’s far better to tear into people in public. You might get modded. You might not. But it’s part of the public record and everyone can see and judge for themselves whether you are being dealt with fairly or not.

It’s better for us to know what @Yeahright is going through, than to let him or her be alone in private. You can facepalm all you want, but it’s not convincing. Everyone knows you aren’t really banging your head against the wall. That would hurt! So bear up, dear jellies. Think of it as a form of cod liver oil. It’ll keep you from getting mental scurvy.

Ok. Back to your silliness.

rooeytoo's avatar

What’s a facehomerpalm???? Is that the way Homer Simpson face palms? And I am thrilled to know he wasn’t doing it because of me! I would hate to be the cause of self flagellation!

ucme's avatar

How very dare any fucker derail my thread, I know now why it’s named so, because it’s like watching a train wreck!!
I believe it’s customary at this point to insert food into ones orifice…sorry, into a thread, i’ll begin with a generous serving of steaming hot ravioli, otherwise known as irish teabags…

CWOTUS's avatar

I haven’t read through the entire thread yet. I can’t wait, really! But I’m going to dip my toes in from time to time as seems appropriate.

Speaking for myself, I can certainly drum up hostility. I feel it plenty of times, and let that dog run once in awhile. Not too often, I hope. Most of what people see from me here is just my common, garden-variety, day-to-day abrasiveness.

And I can certainly gin up nonsense from time to time. But nothing to match the scale of the OP’s string. I’m not even on the list of challengers.

But hostile nonsense just ain’t in me. I got nothing.

Paradox25's avatar

I’ve only ever received one PM that I could have considered to be directly ‘hostile’. Generally many PM’s I’ve received over the years on here were attempts to bait me more than anything. I consider them, then I ignore them. I actually have more respect for the person behind sending me the former type of PM I’d mentioned above than for the person who sends the latter type of PM.

FutureMemory's avatar

@Yeahright I already left once, and I am about to leave again.

Take care.

Shippy's avatar

What are you talking about? I’m genuinely confused

jonsblond's avatar

@FutureMemory. I thought we were trying to keep users here, not encourage them to leave.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

…...Wow
There’s not enough Preparation H in the world to cure the butthurt in this thread. I can only recommend a fiber enriched diet and 6–8 glasses of water to ease your rectal pain!

tom_g's avatar

Obama

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Michael_Huntington I was trying to think how to word that response, but you knocked it out of the park. GA

Leanne1986's avatar

I can’t recall ever receiving a hostile PM and I hope I have never sent one. If I disagree with someone’s opinion/answer in a thread I will say it there in front of everyone, not take it to PM. I try not to be hostile about it even if I don’t like the person I am disagreeing with (I don’t think I really dislike anyone on Fluther anyway, there are a few people that I always find myself disagreeing with but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them.)

ucme's avatar

@Michael_Huntington The anal warriors come out of the gutter from time to time, you just gotta know how to laugh at….I mean treat them, pinch of fucking salt.
Having said that, I enjoyed most of the thread, even those who didn’t answer the question & yes, flowerboy’s made me smile too, or maybe it was a smug grin.

Coloma's avatar

Well….I may be prone to going off topic but I certainly would not ever have a public argument with a mod, nor a private one either. It is what it is.
Hey…bonus for me, nice to know that on a scale of 1–10 my problem child moments are about a -5 on the fluther richter scale of earth shaking obnoxiousness. lol

Symbeline's avatar

@ucme All I gotta say bout all this man…I fuckin’ love me some ravioli.

ucme's avatar

@Symbeline “Mama mia, pasta de sauce!” kisses both her cheeks in an exaggerated manner like what the mafia guys do in movies ;¬}

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Symbeline I do, too, but I be a fancy bitch, and I want lobster in mah ravioli!

Symbeline's avatar

@ucme The only downside to ravioli is when two of them are stuck together like crazy ass Siamese twins. I hate it when that happens.

@WillWorkForChocolate Actually, that sounds pretty damn good…or lobster stuffed ravioli would be pretty cool.

ucme's avatar

Why the fuck are you guys whispering?? This is my thread & it’s at the arse end now so speak up…I LOVE NEOPOLITAN ICE-CREAM!!!

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I LOVE DICK DONUTS! Sorry, I kinda got carried away there for a minute…

Symbeline's avatar

lol

I mean…LOL

ucme's avatar

@CWOTUS Yeah, I considered wording the question differently, but figured “hostile nonsense” would be more polite than “aggressive cunt” for instance.

ucme's avatar

Hey @Symbeline get yourself over to my question on school memories, I wanna know if that scene in The Sixth Sense when the kid sees dead folks swinging from the rafters is pretty close to what you saw…maybe!

tranquilsea's avatar

It’s amazing to me how people think that websites such as these are democracies. When, in fact, they are, at best, benevolent dictatorships.

Please stop talking about food! I can’t taste anything right now and I miss it.

Pachy's avatar

One thing I’ve learned through psychically bruising experience in both my work and private life is that email, IMs, forums like this and other forms of digital media communication, as convenient as they are, are not very good place for fisticuffing. Call me chicken, but I back out of online battles after the first round.

ucme's avatar

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room Yup, far better things to be doing, like calling you a chicken ;¬}
By the way, I love the word fisticuffs, harks back to a bygone age when men would settle their differences with a good old punch-up…cool beans!

Pachy's avatar

cluck cluck

rooeytoo's avatar

@tranquilsea – I like that, benevolent dictatorships!

ucme's avatar

…lay a little egg for me…

blueiiznh's avatar

open ranting is a requirement.

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