Social Question

Ela's avatar

Do you believe that in a divorce situation where both parents are equally capable to care for the child, it would be more beneficial for the child to live with the same sex parent?

Asked by Ela (6203 points ) January 18th, 2013

Why or why not?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

26 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

It doesn’t matter, and why would it?

laineybug's avatar

My parents have been divorced for a long time and my sisters and I mostly live with our dad. We see our mom often too. We turned out okay.

hopeful5141's avatar

I think that the like gendered parent needs to maintain a shared role in the raising of the child. If possible, I think it is best for both parents to participate equally. Obviously, there are instances when one parent regardless of gender should not or cannot be with the child, but barring a legitimate situation, I think all children do best when they have balanced relationships, time wise with both parents. At the end of the day, most kids do not want their parents to split up, and that in itself is enough trauma, so maintaining balanced and equal connections with both parents softens the blow of not being able to be with both parents all the time. It worked in my situation, and I am so grateful that me and my ex had the ability to not drag children into our mess anymore than needed.

Ela's avatar

@laineybug were you given a choice as to which parent you lived with when you were a teenager?

laineybug's avatar

@Ela Not really, but I like living with my dad. It would be a lot harder on everyone if we lived at our mom’s house most of the time.

Ela's avatar

@laineybug so in some why it was an unbalanced situation then?
Do you think if it had been balanced you (being female) may have benefited more if you were able to live with your mother?

blueiiznh's avatar

All things being equal I believe in Joint legal and Joint physical custody.

Most forward thinking States make this as their goal.

laineybug's avatar

@Ela I don’t think so. My dad learned to do hair and nails and makeup for us, and after my parent’s divorce my dad was in a better off position money-wise to take care of us. I see my mom at least once a week and it used to be almost everyday when I was younger. My dad has always worked hard to be able to give us the support of a mother amd a father in cases when my mom couldn’t be there.

josie's avatar

The children should live with the parent they feel most comfortable with

Ela's avatar

@josie do you believe the child should be given a choice and if so at what age?

blueiiznh's avatar

Again, all thing being normal, most courts wait until the child is at least 13 before their voice is heard.

And one should not assume that based on mother or father if a boy or girl is better off with one versus the other. Remeber the saying “daddy’s girl, mommy’s boy”.
My daughter would come home and still does telling me stories of how Mothers would make comments about her nails and braids and tell her, “Oh, your Mom does a great job on braiding and nails”. She would glow and say proudly, My Dad does them!

josie's avatar

@Ela At whatever age they can thoughtfully answer the question “whom do you feel the most comfortable with”. It is the elitist conceit of the political State that they believe that they can fabricate a better solution.

Ela's avatar

I wasn’t able to edit this into the original question but I’m wondering if it would be in my sons best interests to at least offer them a choice. I don’t know if I’m being selfish and unfair to them by not doing so.

blueiiznh's avatar

@Ela I guess if his desires are to do that, then it is a consideration. However if he is adjusted well and is seeing him without issue, only you can ponder if it is best. I am all for the thought, “if it isn’t broken, leave it alone.

SavoirFaire's avatar

If it would be more beneficial for the child to live with one parent or the other, then the parents cannot be equally capable. If they are equally capable, it cannot be more beneficial for the child to live with one parent or the other.

DigitalBlue's avatar

No, I believe the default situation should always be 50/50 shared parenting. I think that should only change if one parent (or both) is unfit, or if one parent actively chooses otherwise and petitions to grant the other parent custody.
I think it is important to take into consideration what children want, but also to remember how children’s feelings can be manipulated by their environment. A child who tells mommy that they don’t want to spend more time with daddy may just not want to hurt their mother’s feelings, quite plain and simple.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

My wife was a completely incompetent person as a wife. She is, however, an amazing mother. I think the person who has better capacity to display positive emotions should care for the person regardless of their gender. I know I am by default, introverted, my ex, extroverted. I think it works very well them with her the bulk of the time. When they are with me, I can really focus on being expressive.

I don’t think the gender matters as much as the ability to express positive emotions.

augustlan's avatar

All things being equal, I think 50/50 custody (or as near to that as possible) is probably the best.

In our situation (@laineybug is my daughter), it was best for our girls that their father have primary physical custody (we have joint legal custody). That way, they could stay in the only home they’d ever known (a very nice house), with a good parent who was also able to afford that home. If they’d lived with me, it would have been in a tiny apartment in a not-so-good neighborhood. We made sure I was still a huge part of their lives…for many years after their father and I divorced, I picked them up from school every day, and stayed with them in their house until their dad got home from work in the evenings. (Luckily, we are very effective co-parents.) Now that they’re older, I still go over there once a week to hang out with them, and of course they come stay at my house often, too.

Long story short, I don’t think it matters so much who the kids live with, but it does matter that the non-custodial parent be a regular presence in their lives.

Bellatrix's avatar

If possible, and both parents are equally able to look after the children, shared parenting would be the ideal for the children in my opinion. I believe this can take some getting used to for all parties but if the parents are able to manage their relationship and the distances between the parent’s homes and school aren’t too grea, that gives the children equal access to both of their parents.

If all is not equal and one parent is emotionally, financially or time disadvantaged, the parent best able to provide a secure, stable home is the best place and ideally the other parent will have good access.

Sadly in many break-ups the parents are not able to manage either of these options well. I have great respect for those who can.

tups's avatar

To the people who say that shared parenting/custody would be the ideal case, I’d like to disagree a little. My parents have been divorced all my life and I’ve always traveled back and forth, back and forth all the time. Both of my parents were great parents, but it wasn’t the ideal situation for me. My whole life I’ve been dreaming of trying to live only one place, and not moving around all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve packed a bag and unpacked, and packed again. It wasn’t always fun. But then again, I’m also grateful for having a relationship with both of my parents.

To answer the question, I believe that it’s best for the children to live with the best parent, man or woman. But of course there might be some situations where a girl/boy might need to talk to a grown up of their own gender.

bookish1's avatar

Genitals do not determine how compatible humans are.

cookieman's avatar

No. The best solution is not to get divorced. Barring that, I really like what a friend of mine did:

When they decided to divorce, they chose to keep their house and let the children stay put. Then they rented a two bedroom apartment that they shared. They had joint custody with alternating weeks. So, when it was the mother’s week for physical custody, she stayed at the house with the children while the dad was at the appartment. The following week, they swapped. And so on and so on. The children never budged, continuing to grow up in the home they always knew.

Bellatrix's avatar

^^ That’s a great idea @cookieman and a wonderful example of emotionally mature people who could put their children first.

burntbonez's avatar

There’s another model I’ve read about that addresses @tups’ problem. In places where both parents live in the same town, they can have one house where the kids live all the time, but the parents trade off being the parent in the house—one week at a time or whatever schedule they decide. This way the kids never have to move and they have that stability. The parents do the moving, since they are the adults.

I don’t think this could work if the parents lived in different towns. Or especially if they lived really far apart.

But I do think it is important that both parents play a big role in their children’s lives, if possible.

cookieman's avatar

@burntbonez: Now that sounds like a hell of an idea. :^)

@Bellatrix: Absolutely. As opposed to the bitter, immature ones who end up using their children as weapons throughout the divorce – which is sadly all too common.

I am glad @burntbonez mentioned it too. Gives me hope I’m not the only one who’s ever heard of this arrangement.

tups's avatar

@burntbonez I like the idea, but there’s a few things that comes to mind. What about when the parents get new partners? I wonder how that’ll work. And as you said, not all parents live in the same city.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther