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desiree333's avatar

NSFW, Virginity in young adulthood: endearing or a deal-breaker?

Asked by desiree333 (3195 points ) January 21st, 2013

Just watched a YouTube video on prude shaming. It got me thinking; if you were a young adult (let’s say age 18–25) and found out your new significant other was a virgin, how would you react? Please give your opinion from the viewpoint of both a male and a female, or just your own sex if you want.

I think society teaches us to question and deviate those who aren’t “experienced” sexually. But on an individual basis I would think people wouldn’t be bothered by it. Every time you have sex with someone for the first time, it is new regardless of how many partners you have had previously. So why would it be any different if they just hadn’t had sex at all?

Sorry, try not to let my opinion sway yours!

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42 Answers

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Heterosexual male. I lost my virginity at 13 to a 21 year old female.

Nothing is sexier to healthy minded people who want sex than people who have waited to have sex. Think about it- When you finally decide to have sex with someone, you are instantly telling people that they are awesome.

Unbroken's avatar

I have had a few guys try that line on me. How did I feel about it?

Well we weren’t dating and I didn’t know them really well maybe a flirtation or a date or two.

I didn’t know whether to believe one of them the others it was just incredibly awkward.

I prefer experience over inexperience. And any reasons to place significance on an untested or new relationship sends me into quick retreat.

I had thought a coworker I flirted was gay and just flirty it was a shock when he turned out to be interested and laid it on thick with the virgin thing.

Another one of reeked with deseperation. It was a palpable thing and I am pretty sure he tried this line on any female.

Another was religious which I liked him but not enough and I hated religion with a passion at the time.

I think those are the three basic categories.

glacial's avatar

At this stage in my life, yeah, it would be a dealbreaker. It’s inconceivable that I would meet someone my own age who had never had sex… unless there was something seriously wrong with him.

Sorry, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought, I suspect that would be more “eating the paste” special than “awesome” special.

desiree333's avatar

@glacial How old are you?

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@glacial I am a little tipsy but I give people a lot of lee way. When do you cut off waiting for somebody good and waiting too long?

wundayatta's avatar

I lost my virginity with someone who was also a virgin. It was not an experience I would ever want to repeat. I would say that virgins should be with virgins or with people who get off on virgins or with people who love them. I later had a request by a friend to take her virginity. She was just a friend, and I didn’t feel like being her first sexual experience when I didn’t love her. It woiuld be a chore. Not fun for me, nor, I imagine, for her. If it wasn’t going to be fun and caring, I didn’t want to do it.

I have this thing about love. I think love and sex are inextricably linked. I know it’s not popular and a lot of people think you can just have sex for fun and it doesn’t mean anything, but I’m not like that. I don’t have a problem with being with a virgin if I love her. But at my age, if I were single, I don’t think I would fall for a virgin, unless she was forty years old, at least.

Well, that’s an arbitrary age, but the principle is that a woman probably needs a fair amount of life experience to be someone I could fall in love with. I imagine I could fall in love with someone younger if she had the kinds of experiences that dealing with abuse or disease or a hard life might bring her. Rarely, I have met young women with this kind of experience. So I suppose it would be possible for her to be a virgin.

Mostly, though, I just have a hard time imagining ever being in that position again, so it won’t be happening. That’s fine with me. I’ll be lucky to manage to keep my marriage going. All this hypothetical stuff is pretty unrealistic for me.

glacial's avatar

@desiree333 & @Imadethisupwithnoforethought I just realized that the question specified 18–25. Then no, I wouldn’t care.

zensky's avatar

18–25 is a young adult???

This be 2013.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@desiree333 If it helps, understand that any guy under 35 is barely a match for most women anyways. This sexual experience thing is a myth that porn has put out there. Trust me experience is no plus to emotional involvement.

burntbonez's avatar

Your argument makes sense assuming that people have a relationship that is caring and deep. But there is so much sex that is about hooking up and friends with benefits, and in those kinds of relationships, virginity is a decided disadvantage. People just want to have sex. They don’t want to have to deal with feelings.

Now, I suppose a lot of people just want to get rid of virginity. I just saw a movie where the hero wouldn’t sleep with the heroine because she was a virgin. She was 19 and he was 35. It freaked him out, and by the end of the movie he found what he considered to be a more age appropriate relationship.

So I think issues of agism fit in here. Also the issue of experience. And with that, you almost always prefer someone with experience because they do a better job. With someone inexperienced, you have to teach them. Not everyone is into that.

Personally, if the feelings were there, I would not mind if someone was a virgin. It’s been so long for me, I feel like a virgin now, too. Like, as if your hymen could regrow if enough time goes by. I don’t know if I remember what to do, any more. And no. I would never pay for it.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@burntbonez I think you have made an intelligent thesis. Virginity matters, unless the person is not a virgin, then age matters. If the person is a virgin, you want it because you are young and you want that validation, but it may be a turn off to older people who don’t want the responsibility.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

I assume this question is sexually speaking, as nothing is more desirable (or should be more desirable) than a virgin when seeking a long term mate.

However sexually speaking,I lost my virginity at 18 to a non virgin 20 something and it felt natural because of her experience therefore I am only sexually interested in women who are non Virgins… The inexperience and the physicality involved with a virgin have never been appealing to me therefore it would be a dealbreaker

But if it was a girlfriend or prospective relationship partner… Then it is a very revered quality to me (strange sounding but yes)

desiree333's avatar

@burntbonez I think it is a stereotype that any person engaging in sex with a virgin will have to deal with exhausting, relationship-y feelings afterwards. At a certain point, the person just wants to have sex like anyone else does, virgins are humans with desire too (sorry about the sarcasm).
I haven’t had sex, and am 19 years old. I’m not religious, or saving myself at all. It’s just that honestly no one has ever showed romantic/sexual interest in me. I’m not abnormal in any sense, and I know plenty of other normal looking people my age who just haven’t met anyone yet either. I’m not even waiting “for the right person”. I grew up with pretty much only girl friends, I don’t drink often. I’m a full-time student. So it’s just that I’ve sort of been forgotten and overlooked by people. I’ve just slipped through the cracks without anyone ever providing the opportunity for sex I suppose.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@desiree333 what @burntbonez and I to a lesser degree are saying, is you are going to tell this person he is the first or not.

If he knows he is the first, he is going to feel super cool, because you rejected everyone else before him.

If he is a little lower on the list it is fine, if you tell him you liked the other guy, but you made a mistake.

The difference between guys your age is not enough to matter, unless you work in the porn industry.

DrBill's avatar

Being virgin would be a huge plus in my opinion.

Nially_Bob's avatar

If they’re not bothered by it then neither am I. If I were to have sex with them the first time would be admittedly rather awkward and clunky, but I would make every effort to ensure they’re comfortable. The only major issue I can foresee is the potential for pressure to be placed on the relationship working afterwards, so we would have to discuss that frankly beforehand.

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tedd's avatar

Once getting to be my age (27) or in my age group I may be interested in why the person had remained a virgin. Was it a personal choice, lack of opportunity, some social issues that stopped them, etc, etc? You don’t see it very often outside of the early 20’s, so I would be “on alert” for some larger issue that helped cause the lasting virginity (though I would hold them in no less esteem/regard until such an issue showed itself). But the actual fact that they are a virgin is a plus if anything to me.

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think it is definitely a deal breaker to be a virgin at those ages, but I think it can be a deal breaker depending on why. Waiting for marriage? Deal breaker. Just haven’t dated anyone seriously while in high school, not a deal breaker.

mattbrowne's avatar

Virginity isn’t a key factor in Western societies anymore. When it comes to relationships, other factors are far more important. The most important attitudes are summarized by John Gottman like this:

- I’m interested in you.
– I hear you.
– I understand you (or would like to).
– I’m on your side.
– I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
– I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).
– I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).

If all attitudes are present, that’s endearing.
If several are missing, that’s a deal-breaker.

In other societies female virginity still is extremely important, e.g. traditional Islam. Of course reality is different and people found ways around it, such as spilling the blood of dead chicken on bed sheets or asking doctors to fix the broken hymen.

livelaughlove21's avatar

My husband and I met at 17; I was a virgin and he was not. I found nothing endearing about his “experience” since the age of 14. My virginity never played a huge role. There was no “unconquered territory” notion or anything like that. The only difference it made was that he ended up waiting 6 months to get into my pants.

bookish1's avatar

I agree with @mattbrowne. Virginity isn’t of value. (Keep the eggs free from contamination!!!!~) Whether someone has made their sexual debut does matter to me. I would much rather be with someone who is roughly as driven and experienced as I am.

Virginity is not technically a dealbreaker, but given that I tend to go for folks older than me, someone between their late twenties and forties who is still a virgin, for whatever reason, is most likely not someone who should be involved with a gay trans guy.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

What’s the difference? I’m male. Do I love her or do I love the fact that she is or isn’t a virgin?

gottamakeart's avatar

I kept myself a virgin until age 27 for 2 very important reasons. 1) my physical health 2) I didn’t ever want physical intimacy to become something unfeeling that I did for recreation.

If I ever needed “releif” there was no sound reason to just USE another person. I personally do not separate sex from emotion (esp. love)

I still had an active social life & my decision to save what I could only give once was not influenced at all by religion.

I did however, really like one line from “Voltaire” : “Cheap goods have little value” while this might sound judgmetal- to me it made perfect sense. I didn’t want my body or passion de-valued by just letting a lot of other people have it on impulse.

JLeslie's avatar

@bookish1 Interesting. What if a gay man is a virgin because he does not desire a straight reationship, but also gay relationships have been diffcult also? What you are saying, if I understand correctly, is the more sexually experienced person is more likely to be open to new or different (I hesitate to write the word different) but is it possible someone who is sexually inexperienced because they are different themselves? I know several gay men who were fairly sexually inexperienced through high school, several of them had steady girlfriends, and were happy the girls wanted to protect their virginity. Some gay men I know love woman’s bodies, especially vocal about breasts, although I don’t know how comfortable they are actually dealing with breasts in a bedroom.

bookish1's avatar

@JLeslie : I guess it is accurate to say that I feel that someone who is more experienced is more likely to be open to difference. But it’s not always about bodies, and it’s impossible to predict how someone is going to react to me. I’ve been rejected by bisexual guys, who in theory should be open to all kinds of bodies, once they find out I’m transsexual.

burntbonez's avatar

@desiree333 When I was a virgin, I wanted a relationship, not just sex. Maybe you just want sex, and if that’s the case, I’m sure you could find someone to relieve you of your virginity. But I hope you want more. I hope you want a relationship. I believe that sex is better in the context of a relationship. I don’t think it makes much sense purely on its own. But I would not judge you for doing that. There’s a place for recreational sex, and if you think that’s what you want, then I doubt if you would have much trouble finding someone to accommodate you.

JLeslie's avatar

@bookish1 Not always about bodies. That makes perfect sense to me. I actually have a problem with how much people dwell on the sex part of romantic relationships, when there is so much more to a committed relationship with an SO.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

It’s nobody’s business except the virgin’s.

bookish1's avatar

@JLeslie : Right you are. In theory, my condition gives me an extra layer of filtering to determine which people are worth it. In practice, it can be pretty discouraging, however.

Mariah's avatar

I don’t believe in judging people either way, but it was nice for my boyfriend and I (both age 20) to be each other’s firsts. We didn’t have to worry about STDs (I am paranoid enough about health that I may have asked him to take an STD test before doing anything with him if he were not a virgin), and I felt more comfortable knowing that he wasn’t expecting stellar performance out of me from the get-go.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I would not like to be with a male virgin, even though I appreciate the sentiment. I prefer experienced lovers.

gondwanalon's avatar

When I was in my late 20’s a woman friend of mine that I knew for about two months was mad at me I think because I said that “We should wait at least 3 months before we consider marriage”. She began telling me all of my faults finishing in the worst thing that she could think about me which was “You were a virgin before before you met me”. That sort of shocked me. Wow such a low blow (no pun intended) I thought. It actually had been a few years since I had sex so it felt like I was a virgin. I found out later that she was an alcoholic. No wonder she wanted to rush into marriage. She just could not maintain her facade that long.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@KNOWITALL Unfortunately experienced doesn’t always mean good. Screwing a lot of people does not automatically make a person a good lover.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Oh, don’t I know it, but once you’ve had an experienced lover who knows what to do and how to do it, a virgin won’t stand a chance even with the learning curve…lol

tranquilsea's avatar

It would have not bothered me if a partner was a virgin when I was a young adult. You are so relatively new to sex by that point that you are still mostly learning anyways.

burntbonez's avatar

I’m a pretty creative lover, but I don’t see anywhere on my resume to put that little piece of information. It’s not something you can go around mentioning to your dates. If things work out, they will find out. Otherwise, not. But in my experience, being a good lover is not a sufficient condition for keeping a relationship going. You need to be able to trust, for example.

desiree333's avatar

@burntbonez Of course I want a relationship! At 19 years old and never having anyone ask me out or show interest in me has turned me into a pretty lonely person. At this point I would most likely have sex even if it was not based on love. I’d like to just get it over with. I don’t want to be a 20-something woman who makes any SO wait 6 months to become intimate.. At this age I just want to feel comfortable with sex. I don’t want my first boyfriend (who will likely be 20 or older) to have to walk on eggshells when it comes to anything physical. Also, not knowing exactly what sex feels like at my age has made it seem really big..put on a pedestal that it doesn’t need to be on.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@desiree333 I didn’t have my first boyfriend (or kiss, for that matter) until I was 17 and didn’t lose my virginity until 18. My shyness prevented me from getting much attention from guys. It’s not as if you’re 50. Being a virgin at 19 isn’t anything to be ashamed of and it’s probably more common than you think. I went to high school with a girl that is still a virgin at 22 and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her.

If you ask me, the “just getting it over with” thing won’t only take sex off of a pedestal, but it will make sex meaningless. And it certainly won’t get you any closer to a relationship.

Patience is a virtue. Don’t throw your cat at the first willing guy, because you might just regret it afterwards.

wundayatta's avatar

I was a virgin at the age of 20, so you aren’t as pathetic as me….. yet. ;-)

Not that there is any clock ticking. The sex isn’t in the way or not in the way. It just is. You need a relationship, not to lose your virginity. If you find the right guy, the virginity won’t be a problem. It shouldn’t be on your mind. Which doesn’t help, I know. It is on your mind, but hopefully if you redirect your attention it will become less of an issue.

desiree333's avatar

@livelaughlove21 It’s all in the shyness, that’s probably a main thing that has prevented me from attracting someone. I am seriously the most introverted person I know. Also, my neutral facial expression can come across as depressed/disinterested/bitchy because of my social anxiety. I think my first impression repels people, but if they would just get to know me….things would be different.

@wundayatta That makes me feel better :) I honestly wouldn’t say that I have a really active sex-drive, but that might just be because I have no past sexual feelings to crave. If I could just experience it once to finally understand what sex is all about, then I’d be fine. Some aspects of relationships I don’t like. I don’t want to constantly be checked on by a SO. I like being independent.

Paradox25's avatar

No, because I prefer to grow sexually with someone. I would prefer a virgin, or someone at least a bit more conservative in the sleeping around department.

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