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15barcam's avatar

The guy I like is with another girl. Should I stay away from him?

Asked by 15barcam (724 points ) February 2nd, 2013

The guy I like is sweet, funny, really smart, and really attractive. Last year, he had a really difficult time and was drinking and smoking quite a bit, but I helped him turn it around and he is doing really well this year! In the process of all that, we became good friends and I began to really like him. We had quite a few “moments” and on New Year’s Eve he kissed me. Later, he didn’t bring it up, so I didn’t either, but I figured he had some sort of feelings for me. Unfortunately, this other girl in my school was really into him and asked him out. He said yes and they are now dating, although they aren’t officially together. I can’t help being jealous. Is it wrong of me to still spend time with him just as friends? I would never make a move when he’s together with someone else, but I really can’t help flirting a little. Should I just stay away from him right now? Should I give up on him?

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13 Answers

ucme's avatar

Follow your instincts, they’re usually a reliable source/indicator.

lookingglassx3's avatar

Talk to him about the kiss, and ask him how he feels about you. It doesn’t have to be a totally serious and scary conversation, but it’s one you should have before things get serious with this other girl.

zenvelo's avatar

Stay away until he is single again. Sorry to say, but you kinda missed your chance, and as some say, you are now in the friend zone.

If he breaks up and is available, don’t wait but call him, ask him out, and when you say good night let him know you’d like to move to the next level with him. (That doesn’t mean have sex right away, it means that the two of you start dating each other).

Hang in there! In the meantime, if another guy comes along, maybe it’s time to completely move on.

Sunny2's avatar

Stay friends. You never know what’s going to happen to relationships and you know o have a solid friendship. On the other hand, if it hurts you to be around him, stay loose and develop other friends too.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

I don’t think it’s wrong of you to be friends and hang out with him, but trying to get with him while he’s with someone else is wrong IMO. Not to mention, if he’s willing to leave who he’s with to be with someone else (you for example) can you really believe that he may not be willing to do the same to you?

Just be his friend and spend time with him. Maybe him and this other girl will end their relationship soon but maybe they won’t. Don’t wait around for him. Keep yourself open to other people.

This actually happened to me. There was this girl and when I met her I was involved with somebody and so I didn’t make a move and neither did she. But one night we both got really intoxicated and next thing I know we’re rolling around on the floor and her bra is off and her shirt is wide open.

That is the only time I have ever cheated in my life and I felt like such a piece of shit afterwords.

Anyway the point I’m trying to make is for 10 years we liked each other and (besides that one night) we never did anything. It always seemed like that just as one of us was ending a relationship the other was beginning one. Finally after a decade we were both single and we started dating, but nothing really came of it.

Right after me and her ended things I got together with my wife, who I’ve been with for 8 years now and I couldn’t be happier.

The moral of the story is, don’t go after something that isn’t “for sale” and don’t wait for it to go “on sale” either. If something comes along, go with the flow, but don’t force it. If the time comes and neither of you are involved, see how things go, but don’t wait around for something that may or may not happen.

And for goodness sakes don’t break up a relationship, because if you do, you’ll always have to wonder if he will leave you too.

Good luck.

wundayatta's avatar

Did this other girl ask your permission to date your friend? Did she send out any announcement saying he was hers and hands off? Is they’re a role nite that says you can only date one girl at a time? What play book are you reading from?

This girl stepped in on your man, and you’re going to suit there and let it happen? This is war; which is to say, love. All is fair. If you like the guy and you like him now, then let him know. The only reason not to is if you like the girl. But why would you like a girl who stole your man?

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
wundayatta's avatar

I think @selfconsumingcannibal’s concern about whether someone will leave you just because they left someone else is overstated. You know when someone is into you or not, regardless of past behavior. Relationships are about individuals more than they are about patterns.

If this is an individual you are attracted to, then you owe it to yourself to find out what could happen. If you wait, the feelings will be different. You may as well move on.

To try to be friends will mean torturing yourself. You’ll be flirting and so on. You might as well just go for it. All or nothing.

Love is not something you play with. It is a serious game. If your going to play, you have to go for it. Otherwise, you are just an also ran.

marinelife's avatar

Could you live with yourself if you broke them up? On the other hand, if he has feelings for you and is only “making do” with her, that would be too bad.

So, tell him how you feel. That you have feelings for him and would like to try dating. See how he responds.

Shippy's avatar

Perhaps in a way you had a counselor/ counselee relationship with him? It is quite common to feel this in this type of relationship. I would move away from him for now, if it were me.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

I recommend maintaining both your dignity and your distance.

Mariah's avatar

You don’t have to stop being friends with someone of the opposite sex just because they become unavailable. But you have every right to do so if you want to because it hurts to be around him.

ebasboy's avatar

These things depend on how you define the things you cherish. Not boys or girls but what calls us together. At the end it is Love we say we are after. Look here young girl, before you can go any further, try to established on things you want in a relation. Would it be Physical appearance associated with charming or Inner Qualities that defines the real ‘somebody’. If you could combine the two (inner qualities & physical app) surely those would give you a true relationship.
Now lets look into your experience. The guy was heavy drinker and you helped him somehow and he showed appreciation of your kindness. That was so kind of you. Now what was the motive behind your helping? I think it’s because you liked him and you were trying to win him emotionally. Winning people emotionally is one the best things you should do before we can go any further. But there has to be persistence all along. We should not expose our loneliness either sexually, or show desperation of any sort related to our friends.
You are doing good by fighting greed/selfishness. Try to be there for him always with discussions and advices there and there, but not in pursuit to seduce him. Love relationship comes from just friendship. Here is the truth, he is just using that girl in pursuit of satisfaction of his feelings, and the same he can do to you. he is giving the girl what she wanted. the same applies to you, he can give you what you want if you desperately run after him. You better show him you just care for him. Being loose girl will cost you, be firm and slow. i realy care and love you in spirit.

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